The Etiquette of Engagement and Marriage Part 14

as in France, the civil marriage must precede the religious ceremony.

A widow or a woman separated from her {112} husband may not marry again till at least ten months have elapsed since the death or deed of separation. At a peasant's wedding there is often a mistress of the ceremonies, who distributes red and blue handkerchiefs among the guests, in return for which she receives money for the bride. The sum thus collected is not given to her till she has been married for forty-eight hours. They marry young, and life is too hard to leave them much leisure for love-making. The Swiss are not an emotional people on the whole, and the head, generally dominates the heart with them. Customs vary according to the locality and the canton in which the marriage takes place.

In Denmark

the same plain gold ring does duty both for betrothal and marriage, the bridegroom changing it from the third finger of the left hand to the third finger of the right at the marriage ceremony.

In France

women of the upper and middle cla.s.ses often wear no wedding-ring. They seem to regard it as a badge of servitude, and leave it to their humbler sisters. In a Roman Catholic French church the bride is attended by one bridesmaid and a groomsman, who after the service make a collection from the guests and hand it over to the priest. The two perform this act very gracefully. The gentleman turns one hand palm upwards and the lady lets her fingertips rest upon his with her palm downwards, while, as they pa.s.s down the aisle together, each holds an alms-bag to the company with the other hand.

At one point in the service both bride and bridegroom are, given lighted candles to hold. Rather risky for the wedding dress! thinks the careful woman. The bride wears a costume similar to that worn in England, but the bridesmaid is in more ordinary afternoon dress, and the same may be said of the guests, who do not a.s.sume a distinctively bridal appearance. Sometimes the civil marriage takes place immediately before the religious one, or it may be performed on the preceding day. The Protestant service is of course very simple. Most married men in France wear a wedding-ring.

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CHAPTER XX

_Runaway Matches--Remarriage of Widows and Widowers--The Children--The Home--Dress--Comparisons._

Runaway Matches.

The old glamour and romance that idealised the runaway match in the days of post-chaises and wayside hostelries have been destroyed by the express train and the telegraph wire. In spite of the change that has come over our social life, the clandestine marriage does still take place; in fact it has been rather boomed in high circles of late; but it might rather be called a "walkaway" than a runaway match. It can all be done in such a quiet, business-like manner that no notice need be drawn to what is going on. The man who urges a young girl into a secret marriage lays himself open to some ugly charges, for parental tyranny is out of date, and that alone provided sufficient excuse for such a grave step.

The man who is mean enough to bind a girl to himself by marriage before he has a home to give her, and then sends her back to her parents as if nothing had happened, is not calculated to make a good husband, unless his offence has the excuse of extreme youth. Let him work his hardest and trust the girl to wait for him. If she will not do that, it is certainly not worth while to commit a dishonourable action for her sake.

The couple who marry and keep the fact a secret because they are afraid of losing some one's money if they tell the truth, would have done better to wait, or to tell each other that love was not good enough without the wherewithal to gild it. In England no one can be forced into a marriage, and all are free to choose whom they like {114} as soon as they are of age; so why stain the start of their wedded life by deception and falsehood? The seeds of distrust and contempt may thus be sown in hearts where there should be mutual love and trust, and then bitter fruits will spring up when once the novelty is over.

Given patience, honesty, and fidelity, there need be no secret marriages in this empire.

A private marriage celebrated in the presence of only a few chosen friends is what many may prefer and desire; but considering the inevitable slur contained in the words: "_Why_ did they do it?" the woman, at least, would do well to refrain from the sweets of stolen waters.

Second Marriages.

Dr. Johnson p.r.o.nounced a second marriage to be "The triumph of Hope over Experience." Others who are less epigrammatic affirm that to take a second partner is the highest compliment that can be paid to the departed first. In some cases the real romance of marriage only awakes with the second wooing. It by no means follows that it must be a dull, prosaic, practical transaction.

The Children.

The great question in the remarriage of parents with children under age is the welfare of those children, and the choice of husband or wife, especially the latter, should be largely influenced by this consideration. The step-father is not held in such disfavour as the step-mother, probably because his relations with the young people are not so intimate.

The Widow.

A genial student of womankind says: "A little widow is a dangerous thing! She knows not only her own s.e.x but the other too, and knowledge is power. She is experienced, accessible, and free, and withal fatally fascinating. There is a great charm in loving a woman who is versed in the lore of love, and is practised in all the sleight-of-heart tricks of it." Her courtship is more untrammelled than that of a {115} single woman. Her position is all in her favour. If she is very young, she will probably have a companion, or live with some relative. If she has small children they can afford a very convenient element of propriety when a lover comes to woo.

She does not always have a second engagement ring; she may prefer some other trinket. It is also a matter of taste whether she retain her first wedding-ring in its place or not. If she decides to banish it she should do so before going to be married.

Dress.

Grey is no longer the compulsory shade for a widow's wedding frock.

Any light, delicate colour may be worn; but a woman has only one _white_ wedding and one bridal veil in her life. The widow is not supposed to make a display over her wedding. An air of somewhat chastened joy is considered more suitable. Instead of bridesmaids she has one lady attendant who should be in her place in church before the bride arrives, and be ready to move to her side when required, to take the gloves and bouquet (which should not be composed of purely white flowers, nor is orange blossom permissible). There may be a second edition of the wedding cake and the presents, but favours and floral tributes are things of the past.

The Home.

If the widow has a nice home of her own she and her husband may decide to live in it; but he will need to exercise tact in taking up his position as master of a household that has. .h.i.therto gone on quite well without him. An entire change of servants would probably be advisable if not inevitable. The wife would be careful to give him his full dignity, and not to let it appear that he was to be regarded in the light of a pensioner on her bounty.

The Widower.

A man whose wife dies leaving him with young children, or even one baby, is in a most pathetic position, and the best thing he can do is to find some nice woman to console him and mother the little ones. It is a pity that the two {116} qualifications cannot always go together.

It is rather risky for a sister or a niece to regard the home offered her by a widowed brother or uncle as a permanency. Men who are apparently satisfied with existing arrangements have a way of springing surprises upon their devoted womenfolk, and when the new wife appears, the sister or niece who has tided him over the worst part of his life must find a home elsewhere. Of course the man is quite within his rights, but I would warn those who may be living in a fool's paradise.

The widower with a house or estate would, naturally, consult the future mistress of it about any alterations he proposed making before his marriage. On her visits of inspection she would either be chaperoned by her mother or some married relation; but, if more convenient, he would ask a lady friend to come and meet her. If he had a grown-up daughter she would continue to preside over his household till after his marriage. It is not fair for a man to take a second wife without giving any previous intimation to his adult sons and daughters who may still be making their home with him. The installation of a girl step-mother over youths of her own age places them all in rather a difficult position, and has the possible making of a tragedy in it. The widower who marries a spinster may go through all the glories of a smart wedding for a second or third time if he likes, seeing that it is the condition of the bride that decides such matters.

Comparison with the Predecessor.

Those who play the role of No. 2 must make up their minds to be compared, in thought if not in word, involuntarily if not intentionally, with No. 1, and the process need not necessarily be painful. Unless there has been some distressing or tragic element in the first marriage, why should the memory of the dead be banished, except by jealousy or inconstancy? It is not generous of No. 2 to try and sweep away all traces of the predecessor. The man or woman who will lightly abandon all the memories of the partner of youth, is not so calculated to make an ideal companion for middle age as the one who cherishes a tender regard for the dead side by side with an honest love for the living.

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CHAPTER XXI

_Marrying for Love; for Money; for a Home; for a Housekeeper--Concluding Remarks._

Marrying for Love.

In spite of all that the cynics and pessimists may say, Love should be the Lord of Marriage.

"How sweet the mutual yoke of Man and Wife When holy fires maintain Love's heavenly life!"

True happiness cannot exist without it, however great the wealth or exalted the position of the married pair may be, while the worst evils of life are lightened and made bearable by its presence. Marrying for love need not mean improvidence. Only an unreasoning pa.s.sion based on selfishness will plunge the beloved into privation and want. The highest, truest love has its substratum of common sense, self-restraint, and thought for others.

It is very hard to draw the line, for vices and virtues tread somewhat closely on each other's heels. The division between prudence and cowardice is often ill-defined. The love that rushes into poverty that it is not strong enough to endure, has in it an element of the selfishness that makes another sit still in comfort while the path is being made smooth for her soft tread.

There are those who laugh at love, and say that mutual respect and sufficient means are the only two reliable things with which to enter upon matrimony. Both these excellent possessions may, however, be quite compatible with love, in fact the former is bound to be included in the softer pa.s.sion or it will not wear very well. No one will deny that a marriage founded on mere mutual respect may one day be {118} crowned by true and lasting love; nor yet that pre-matrimonial love may die a speedy or even violent death soon after the lovers are united; but these possibilities do not alter the fact that taking things all round, Love is the best and most precious a.s.set with which to begin married life.