A Humorous History of England Part 3

Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh.

Blamed by some; by others praised; He fell; but still the pile he raised Most n.o.bly graces Hampton Court.

Give Wolsey then a tender thought.

His main ambition that the King Should be supreme in everything; Thomas And Thomas Cromwell followed suit Cromwell To make his master absolute Head of the Church within his realm.

These two most able at the helm; But not with skill enough endued To 'scape their King's ingrat.i.tude.

Despotical the King's power grew.

He's England's Pope by Act of Su- Premacy; as, to gain divorce, The foreign Pope is banned perforce.

1537 Now Bluff King Harry gives the Monks A series of most awful funks; Three thousand odd of their domains He 'collars' for his Courtiers' gains.

Edward VI. Edward Six to the throne succeeds 1547-1553 A pious youth of goodly deeds; One, well known in the Capital, The Blue Coat School (Christ's Hospital).

Mary Queen Mary One, in Smithfield Square, 1553-1558 At Oxford, Gloucester and elsewhere, Burned poor Martyrs by the score; The Romish faith she would restore.

Elizabeth Hail now to thee our good Queen Bess, 1558-1603 Garbed in the puffed and padded dress, Farthingale and starched up frills, Meaning heavy laundry bills.

Od's Bodikins; what monstrous ruffs, What gowns of rich embroidered stuffs Piped and scolloped, trimmed with furs, And shaped like huge gasometers.

Now we've warfare of the Creeds, For their thoughts all Europe bleeds; Each party seeks by force to make The other side its faith forsake.

Spain the Great Power of those days In these contentions first part plays.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

PLYMOUTH HOE BOWLING CLUB]

Drake Drake at bowls on Plymouth Hoe Left his game to meet this foe And came home laden we are told With seachests full of Spanish gold.

Armada In fifteen-eight-eight Armada strong 1588 From Spain to squash us comes along; Which Howard, Frobisher and Drake And stormy weather overtake.

[Ill.u.s.tration: GLOBE THEATRE TONYGHTE Ye TRAGEDYE OFFE HAMLETTE BY WILLIAM SHAKSPERE.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

Shakespeare And in these epoch making days 1564-1616 Shakespeare wrote and staged his plays; Weaving a thread whose magic strands Entwine all English-speaking lands.

Fifteen-eight-seven Scots' Queen Mary Lost her head through fate contrary.

When Henry Eight had robbed the Church 'Twas found the poor were in the lurch; Poor Law A law was pa.s.sed about this date To place the poor upon the rate.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

Sir Walter Sir Walter Raleigh, best of Knights, Raleigh The first to taste the keen delights 1552-1618 Of the enchantress so serene, The Ryghte Goode Ladye Nicotine.

No information's yet to hand Concerning Raleigh's favourite brand; Tobacco Was it coa.r.s.e-cut s.h.a.g which burns The tongue, or birdseye or returns?

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Queen Good Queen Bess we understand Elizabeth Had crowds of suitors for her hand; And here we beg to give a view Of suitors waiting in a queue.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

Queen As time rolled on this Good Queen Bess Elizabeth Lost somewhat of her sprightliness; (continued) She got into a nervous state Was mopish and disconsolate.

Now, as everyone will own, Had 'Iron Jelloids' been but known In Bess's time; why, it's conceded 'Twas just the Tonic that she needed.

East India The great 'John Comp'ny' now began Company Its fine career without a plan.

1600 Great! The Elizabethan Age.

In History's book a glorious page.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Somewhere or other we've heard snuff Came in the days of frill and ruff; And here's a n.o.ble ill at ease Giving the first recorded sneeze.

James I. James Six of Scotland, miscalled a 'fule'

1603-1625 As James One of England comes to rule.

Gramercy! 'tis a canny thing To be a 'double-barrelled' King.

The son of Mary Queen of Scots Of learning he had lots and lots, Writing sundry ponderous books 'Gainst 'bacca, witches and their spooks.

James thought his kingly power divine And, loathing Puritanic 'whine,'

He vowed to make them all comply Or else he'd 'know the reason why.'

Pilgrim Fathers His persecution to escape 1620 Some Zealots in the 'Mayflower' shape Their course for an uncharted world Where Freedom's Flag could be unfurled.

These 'Pilgrim Fathers' found a state 'New England,' blessed with happy fate.

Folks have called the first King James Most uncomplimentary names; To wit 'a sloven' and 'a glutton'; Perhaps his weakness was Scotch Mutton.

And as to gluttony, 'Gadzooks'!

If what we read in History books Is true, they all were trenchermen; There were no diet faddists then.

It startles us, one must declare, To read their breakfast bill of fare; All 'Kynes' of ale, some highly spiced And divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced.

In James' reign a man could get For money down a coronet And t.i.tles with the greatest ease Like folks to-day buy soap and cheese.

Harvey Yet a learned time; for Harvey shows That blood's not stagnant, but it flows; Lord Bacon 'Experiment!' Lord Bacon cries 'There is no progress otherwise.'

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

MODEL OF THE NOTORIOUS GUY FAWKES WHICH HOWEVER IS NOT CONSIDERED HISTORICALLY ACCURATE]

5th November Of troubles James had quite a lot, 1605 For instance the Gunpowder Plot.

It fizzled out but left to-day A liking for Firework display.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

THE FIRST CRACKER]

So rockets with their sweeping curves, Crackers which upset the nerves And squibs with their infernal din To this date owe their origin.

Charles I. His son Charles One we understand 1625-1649 Ruled England with a grasping hand; For he was never loth to levy Taxes burdensome and heavy.

He moved in an expensive set, Was always heavily in debt; In fact this monarch with his frills Was snowed up to the neck with bills.

He was courtly, graceful, distingue, And when the scaffold came his way 'He nothing common did or mean Upon that memorable scene.'

He had a very taking way And made his taxed up subjects pay; And over taxing it is said This Monarch fairly lost his head.

Pet.i.tion of The 'Pet.i.tion of Right' a famous Act, Right--1628 The Commons from the King exact; Giving the subject on his own A remedy against the throne.

First In sixteen-hundred-twenty-one Newspaper Our first news-sheet began its run; 1621 For twenty years 'twas going strong Then the first Censor came along.

This journal cribbing from the Dutch Lacked the smart journalistic touch; And also photographic views, 'Sporting pars' and 'Stop-press News.'

[Ill.u.s.tration: The Great Struggle in Charles' Time.

King Trying to get Money from Taxpayer.

Creditor Trying to get Money from King]

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_THAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN._]

Cotton Cotton first came from India's sh.o.r.e 1630 In sixteen-thirty, less or more; Where for three thousand years it grew, Also in Egypt and Peru.

Grim reading is the note confessing Gangs went out for Navy pressing, Forcing many a timid knave To spend his life on ocean wave.