A Humorous History of England Part 2

Leasing Leasing or Farming, we are taught, Was introduced 'bout twelve-nought-nought; The Feudal system's weakened and The Tenants 'usufruct' the land.

On various counts the serfs go free And work for wages (Edward Three).

The Black Death and the foreign wars In labour ranks commotion cause; Strikes and craftsmen's combination Then arise among the nation; These movements preached by one John Ball, Who, born too soon, was hanged withal.

Richard II. Now comes the Second Richard's reign.

1377-1399 It is recorded very plain That he was full of discontent Quarrelling with his Parliament.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "BY MY HALIDOM I'LL NOT PAY IT"]

Poll Tax With his taxes super-sated 1380 The peasants grew exasperated; They threw their spades and pitchforks down And marched as rebels into town.

Thirteen-eighty's Poll taxation Puts equal tax on all the nation; Lays seven thousand peasants dead; Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head.

Praemunire Praemunire Act is pa.s.sed To check the Papal Bulls at last.

Chaucer Chaucer the Poet this same year Makes Pilgrimage to Becket's bier.

[Ill.u.s.tration: FORTES FORTUNA JUVAT.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

Age of This was the age, aye verily, Chivalry Of ryghte goode n.o.ble chivalry, When Knights went forth through storm and stress To rescue beauty in distress.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic.]

Or sallied out in valiant way A monster dragon for to slay, Or with lance or trusty blade Defend from harm the hapless maid.

Henry IV. Henry Four, called 'Bolingbroke'

1399-1413 In Richard's wheel puts many a spoke; Compels him to resign the throne Which thereupon he makes his own.

Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed, His t.i.tle to the crown he claimed; The Parliament confirms his right And thus he's king without a fight.

In this reign persecution's turned Lollards Against the Lollards--Cobham's burned.

1401 Incredible! The records show A statute 'de Comburondo.'

Henry V. From fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five, 1413-1422 For many years with France did strive; His Widow founds the Tudor House By taking Owen for her spouse.

Henry VI. Henry Six, next in our rhymes, 1422-1461 For fifty years had troublous times; Wars of Roses, Wars with France, The poor man never had a chance.

Joan of Arc Joan of Arc the peasant Maid 1430 Inspired the French with Mystic aid; Disunited, we make peace, All France but Calais we release.

Constantinople Constantinople's seized by Turks 1453 Causing Greek Scholars (with their works) To fly to Italy; and thence Learning's reborn--'The Renaissance.'

Edward IV. In Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-one 1461-1483 The House of York obtains the Throne.

He wins at Towton's b.l.o.o.d.y fray, No quarter given on that day.

Guy, Earl of Warwick in these frays Was always turning different ways; Barnet On Barnet Field he met his doom 1471 The Rose of York's now well abloom.

The Barons, Church and Commons fall, The King emerges Boss of all.

Benevolences he exacts, An early form of Super Tax.

Earl of 'Kingmaker' was Earl Warwick styled Warwick With his manner scarcely mild He set Kings up and bowled them down Playing at ninepins with the Crown.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

Wars of Roses White and Red Rose warring madly 1485 Bled the country very sadly, Three-and-thirty years contending; At Bosworth Field we see the ending.

Printing First in fourteen-seventy-three 1473 We print from type in this Countree.

Now it is that time's first measured By monster watches greatly treasured.

Thomas Parr this centurie His hundred-fifty years did see; But Henry Jenkins, so 'tis said, In age was seventeen years ahead.

h.o.a.ry patriarchs were these Retaining p'raps their faculties; What a comfort 'tis to mention Neither drew the old age pension.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Ye Bookeworme Burninge ye Midnyghte Oile]

Printing started through the Nation A taste for higher education; Here is a citizen at home; Note his very brainy Dome.

Richard III. Richard (Crookback) in fateful hour 1483-1485 Smothered his nephews in the Tower, He murdered them the Crown to gain; A heavy price for three years' reign.

The Scutcheon's blotted terribly Of this King Richard number Three, For it seems his recreation Was ordering decapitation.

1485 On Bosworth Field when sorely pressed He made a bid th'uncommonest 'My kingdom for a horse' he cried; No offers coming, there he died.

Henry VII. Lancastrian Richmond wins the fight 1485-1509 And to make his t.i.tle right Elizabeth of York espouses, Thus uniting the two Houses.

This Henry Seven of Tudor line To misers' habits did incline; Twelve millions stated to possess, A tidy little fortune! Yes!

Star Chamber Much he managed to extort By means of a Star Chamber Court From the rich n.o.bles; A new wile For adding to the kingly pile.

With cash in hand he could attain His wish as Autocrat to reign; As sole possessor of the guns The King no risk from rebels runs.

[Ill.u.s.tration: SKYSc.r.a.pE FLATS TO BE ERECTED HERE

BUY HUSTLES CHEWING GUM

FIFTH AVENUE

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

Columbus Columbus, full of travellers' lore, 1498 By going West sought India's sh.o.r.e; But found America's wondrous land; His 'exes' paid by Ferdinand.

Of voyagers we've now a lot Vasco da Gama and Cabot, Who sailed from Bristol, whence it grew Bristolians claim this fine cuckoo.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Henry VIII Pops the Question]

Henry VIII. Now Henry Eight comes on the screen, 1509-1547 A stalwart youth, aetat. eighteen; With youthful hope the nation's buoyed; Only, alas! to be destroyed.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Henry ye eighth Thynkynge offe ye Past]

Henry VIII. This King Henry number Eight 1509-1547 Six times tried the married state; (continued) And certainly of all the Kings Spent the most on wedding rings.

But to search through old Archives For tales of Henry and his wives And all their little tiffs to trace We cannot spare the time or s.p.a.ce.

Yet there are some who fain would sing The praises of this rotund King; But as a husband we're afraid His category's lowest grade.

He wielded harsh the despot's power, And packed his wives off to the Tower; Consigned them to a fate most dreaded; Two, alas! he had beheaded.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_HAIL NOW TO THEE OUR GOOD QUEEN BESS!_]

Henry VIII.

(continued)

Reformation Martin Luther, fifteen-one-seven, 1517 Sows his Reformation leaven; It finds a culture medium here In the 'New Learning's' atmosphere.

Of this New Learning More's the chief, Utopia's Author, He's 'mid grief Beheaded, saying cool and calm, 'Cut not my beard, that's done no harm.'

His friend Erasmus, Logic's Master, Trimmed his sails and 'scaped disaster.

A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul's School London into being calls.

Wolsey In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great, 1530 A Cardinal and Man of State, From Butcher's son had risen high.