A Humorous History of England Part 4

Ship Money Charles raises the ship money tax; 1636 He thought he only had to 'ax'; When Hampden strenuously objected, The King was very much affected.

Strafford Earl Strafford ('Thorough') in his pride 1641 'The King shall rule the Commons' cried; The Commons would not brook such stuff And cut his head off. 'Quantum Suff.'

The 'Grand Remonstrance' is put forth By the Commons who are wrath With the King's despotic ways Quite unsuited to these days.

The King tries hard to put in jail Five Members but without avail; Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and Pym And Hampden (we must mention him); They're guarded from the Royal hands By Watermen and City Bands.

The 'die is cast' and Civil War For seven long years the Nation tore.

Civil Wars Cromwell greatest of the foemen 1642-1648 With his faithful English Yeomen; These 'Roundheads' sober, grim, religious To 'Cavaliers' gave blows prodigious.

Their character's seen in the cry 'Trust G.o.d and keep your powder dry.'

Naseby The Cavaliers and Roundheads fought 1645 In many a field, 'till Naseby brought To Generals Cromwell and Fairfax A crowning victory, though not 'pax.'

The King's beheaded, but the State Experiences no headless fate; A commonwealth's forthwith proclaimed And Cromwell's soon Protector named.

Dunbar In sixteen-fifty Dunbar sees 1650 The Royal Scots brought to their knees; Worcester And in the second Worcester fight 1651 Cromwell for good a.s.serts his might.

And there are those who love to tell About that day at Boscobel When Charles the Second's Majestye Found itself doubly 'up a tree.'

And now we meet that quiet man Known as the early Puritan; Mild and placid in his talk, Calm and measured in his walk.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "PAINT ME WARTS AND ALL"

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

Commonwealth Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold, 1649-1660 Was cast in Nature's sternest mould, Lacking maybe the courtly grace And proud of warts upon his face.

He fought the Irish and the Scotch And with his navy beat the Dutch Let all his faults condoned be, He kept us up on land and sea.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "TAKE AWAY THAT BAUBLE"

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

Commonwealth He seemed to like bold argument (continued) And wordy wars with Parliament; He made things lively we infer Frequently at Westminster.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

With M.P.s he had many a bout And one day cleared the whole lot out; Locked the door and took the key; Those not the days of 'Wait and See.'

Charles II. Cromwell's death brings Restoration 1660-1685 And Charles Two lands 'mid acclamation.

After his leaps from twig to twig He now has 'Otium c.u.m Dig.'

In merry Charles the Second's age Woman first acted on the stage; The King encouraged much this vogue He was a pleasure seeking rogue.

'He never said a foolish thing, Nor did a wise one'; this the King Countered with 'My words my own My acts my ministers' alone'; 1662 In sixteen-six-two year of grace, Charles taxed every fire-place; And citizens who couldn't pay Shivered and grumbled as to-day.

These were the times of Musketeers And proud and dashing Cavaliers; When words were few and tempers hot And duels fought out on the spot.

John Bunyan The tinker preacher Bunyan wrote The 'Pilgrim's Progress' we still quote, The prison bars no barrier wrought To lowly Bunyan's lofty thought.

Milton In stately language Milton's muse 1678 The Bible story doth diffuse; From 'Paradise Lost' we get our view Of Adam and Eve and Satan too.

The Reverend t.i.tus Oates, a scamp, Egregious Popish plots did vamp, Lied roundly for dishonest gains, Got Cat-o'-nine-tails for his pains.

Habeas Corpus The 'Habeas Corpus' best of laws 1679 Shields us from prison without cause; 'Twas pa.s.sed in sixteen-seventy-nine, And means 'Produce him here,' in fine.

Van Tromp Admiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold, With broom at masthead, so 'tis told, The Channel sailed, suggesting he's Swept all the English from the seas.

Blake But Blake laughed loud and spread his sails Nought the Dutchman now avails; For he got an awful shocker Right to Davy Jones' locker.

But though the Dutch failed to invade, They were not disinclined to trade; So we get 'Hollands,' cheese and hams Fresh from the land of d.y.k.es and Dams.

Peace of Breda For fifteen years these Navies fought, 1667 'Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought; The Peace of Breda then succeeded; New York to England was conceded.

Plague In sixty-five the Plague appears Fire of London And then the Fire; two awful years 1665-1666 For London--And if more you'd know Consult the Pages of Defoe.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_QUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH._]

James II. When Charles Two died his brother James 1685-1688 Soon put the country into flames; Papistry he would advance, And for that purpose leagued with France.

In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zeal Religious Test Act would repeal; Seven bold Bishops who defied To the Tower were sent and tried.

The country raised a hue and cry So off to France the King doth fly.

William III. His place is filled by William Three 1689-1702 His son-in-law from Dutch countree.

This Orange sprig most brave of men With Mary reigns and all things then Went well with us. Macaulay's page Hails him as Hero of the age.

In this reign of William Three, Laws were harsh 'gainst burglary; For they'd a very drastic way And hanged the 'Bill Sykes' of that day.

National Debt In sixteen-nine-four we have heard 1694 The National Debt was first incurred; To careful folk who would invest 'Twas not devoid of interest.

Another National Debt we owe To Iron Jelloids which the foe Depression's worries keep at bay And drive our nervous fears away.

Bill of Rights The 'Bill of Rights,' a Charter grand, 1689 In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land From all encroachments of the Crown Hoi Polloi are no longer down.

Queen Anne Good Queen Anne we know is dead; 1702-1714 She reigned twelve years but it is said 'Mrs. Morley,' Marlborough's wife Ruled her more than half her life.

Marlborough This was the Duke of Marlborough's day, Who beat the French in every fray; Known for his famous victories At Blenheim and at Ramillies.

In seventeen-seven by statute pa.s.sed English and Scotch unite at last; 'One coinage and one Parliament'

Both Nations ever since content.

About this time, so runs the story, Much is heard of 'Whig and Tory'; And shortly after there was rife Many a sign of party strife.

Dr. Watts Good Dr. Watts' moral lays 1674-1748 Were much reputed in these days; And still we lisp at Mother's knee 'How doth the little Busy Bee.'

Pope Pope, letter-writer and great poet, 1688-1744 Most quotable of all (ye know it), At Twickenham penned his caustic verse Epigrammatic, smooth and terse.

George I. The House of Stuart being ended, 1714-1727 George of Hanover (descended From daughter of King Jamie One) Comes over to ascend our throne.

Of English George knew not a word, Most awkward, not to say absurd, At Cabinet Councils to preside; So from this time the practice died.

George II. His son George Two succeeding then 1727-1760 In person fought at Dettingen.

Both these Kings had various fights In Scotland with the Jacobites.

William Tull brings in Post Chaises; Now the people ride like 'blazes.'; Many can't for they're in trouble, Ruined by the South Sea Bubble.

Wesleys John and Charles Wesley, men of mind, 1703-1791 Revive Religion in Mankind.

Founding a Church both broad and low, One-seven-three-nought A. Domini.

Beginning as an office clerk, Clive As soldier Clive soon made his mark, 1746 And conquered India for this Nation; Self 'stounded at his moderation.

Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, three Great Engineers this Centurie, Ca.n.a.ls Useful ca.n.a.ls in England made, The flowing arteries of trade.

Quebec General Wolfe seventeen-five-nine 1759 Captures Quebec--a victory fine, And Canada's the splendid prize For old 'John Bull' to colonise.

George III. And now of Georgey number Three: 1760-1820 Ut mulus obstinatus he Had full sixty years of reign And a big family to train.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_GEORGIAN TIMES._]

Georgian We will but very lightly scan Times The customs known as 'Georgian'; The times of powdered Belles and Beaux; Patches, paint and furbelows; Of beauteous maids and gallants gay And merry routs at Ranelagh; Gaming parties, cards or pool And 'Fops' of the Beau Brummel School.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ODDS FAITH THEY SAY THERE'S IRON IN IT"

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

When rank and fashion History tells All took their cures among the Wells; And sipped in manner hesitating Daily doses nauseating.

But we know better how to act Our cures we purchase more compact For in the Chemists' you can see 'Iron Jelloids' priced at 'One and Three.'

Lord 'Periwig' and gay 'Fallal'

In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall.

'Taxis' and 'Tubes' we beg to state Came in at a much later date.

When Brummel, the historic Beau, Made laws for dress and outward show; Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreams Of gorgeous beauty, so it seems; Who figured in the public gaze A 'Star turn' with his courtly ways; Who fixed the style of a cravat, Lord of Appeal anent a hat.