What a Young Husband Ought to Know Part 2

Be devoted. Keep up your courtship. Remember and repeat the little attentions which gave you pleasure months and years ago simply because you knew that they were a source of pleasure to the one whom you coveted as your bride and companion for life. How can your wife love and respect you if you neglect and forsake her? During your courtship, the club, the lodge and the society of others had to accept second place. You preferred her company to that of all others. If you are to her and she to you what each should be, this preference of the one for the society and companionship of the other will continue throughout life. Your home will be your clubhouse, and no society, or gilded hall, or corner grocery with its lounging company, will be able to attract you from her and from your home.

Most men who frequent these places are attracted there; but some go there because repelled from their homes. There are women whose inconsiderate treatment of their husbands repels them from their families and their homes, and the husbands simply resort to the club or other place of a.s.semblage in their natural search for a place of refuge and fellowship. But such instances are the exception. In the majority of cases the fault is largely, if not wholly, with the husband.

Oftentimes his conduct is due to his thoughtlessness, but more frequently to pure selfishness.

Recently the writer called at the home of a mechanic to secure his services in a job of work. It was between eight and nine o'clock in the evening, and quite dark. For some time no one answered our knock.

Finally a young wife, looking pale, weary and lonely, bearing a large lamp in one hand and a small child on the other arm, opened the door of the desolate home. We had a right to expect to find the husband and father at home, but no; to our inquiry we were told that we would likely find him at the toll-gate, the harness-maker's, or the grocery. Unless indications were deceptive, here was a case of cold indifference and selfish neglect. Would that this were a rare instance; but there are thousands of such in all circles of society in our cities and towns, and in the country as well.

We clip the following suggestive incident, and submit it as pertinent at this place:

"'My home shall be my clubhouse' said a young, unmarried, traveling-man, when returning from a visit to a former friend who had married and lived in a pleasant home. Almost the first words the latter spoke, as his visitor seated himself in the parlor, was: 'I want you to go over with me and see our nice, new clubrooms.'"

"But I did not come to see them," was the reply; "I came to see you and your family."

"That you can do anyhow," was the response, "so please get ready and we will go over and spend the evening there with a nice lot of friends."

"Further protest seemed ungracious, so the visitor yielded. Hour after hour pa.s.sed by, and it was midnight before the visitor could induce his host, who was beginning to feel the effects of a night's drinking and revelry, to accompany him to his home.

"In the morning the host, who evidently felt that nothing had transpired at the clubrooms that could be objected to, asked his friend, 'Well, what is your opinion of our clubroom accommodations?'"

"The rooms are very nicely furnished," was the rather evasive reply.

"But what I want to know is, how did you enjoy yourself in them?"

"As further evasion was useless, the guest said: 'You are asking me a plain question, and I will answer it frankly. I am a single man, and expect soon to get married. If I continue to prosper, I intend to settle down in a comfortable home, and spend my evenings with my wife and my children. As for your clubrooms, if I wanted to neglect my family and my business, and perhaps go to ruin, I think I could soon bring about that result by spending my evenings in your clubrooms; and I am more resolved than ever that when I am once married my home shall be my clubhouse.'"

Now, we would not seem to indicate that the only proper place for the husband is in the house--that he should not go out in the evening for diversion, social fellowship, or recreation. Not at all. These things are often necessary for his health, his happiness and his well-being.

But are they not as essential to the health, the happiness and well-being of the wife as of the husband? If he seeks diversion in the evenings, let it be where his wife may accompany him, and share whatever benefits he enjoys. If family duties or the care of children render it impossible for both to leave home at the same time, then manifestly it is the duty of the husband to divide the advantages and disadvantages with the wife; and if the husband has the true father-spirit, the privilege of frequently remaining at home to spend the evening with his children will afford more pleasure and more profit than could be secured elsewhere.

The husband should plan and arrange to give his wife a proper amount of relaxation and diversion. The limitations of her restricted life make recreation and relaxation essential to the maintenance of good health and a cheerful disposition. But, in all your planning and arrangements, remember that relaxation and diversion may be secured within the home as well as without, and can be there enjoyed by the children also, and by others who may chance to share the home with you. If you and your wife have true father-love and mother-love, you will prefer home and the companionship of your children to any other place, and to the company of any other person or persons. Faithful husbands and wives and well-poised parents will need no specific directions in these matters.

They will know how to care for their children, and at the same time not sacrifice health and cheeriness.

These are important subjects for the thoughtful consideration of young husbands, and older ones also; and while upon this matter, it may be well for those of us who are too apt to delegate to the wife the whole duty of making the home cheery and happy, to read and think upon the following from the pen of Dr. Isaac Farrar:

"How do you go home to your wife after business hours? Do you not frequently find a tired woman, who has been so hard at work all day with the care of three or four babies, and an incompetent hired girl, that she has found no time to make an afternoon toilet, to meet you as you would like to have her on your return? Try and be a sympathizing husband now; embrace your faithful wife and say to her: 'Never mind, my dear, I'm home early to-night. Come now, go and rest yourself, while I put little Clarence and Addie to bed, and if Frank comes in for his supper I will tell Bridget what to get for him.'

"Are you mindful of draughts and slamming doors while she takes her rest for an hour or so, and can you not induce her to take that rest every day? Remember her days are long, just as busy, and more full of petty cares than yours. A woman is required to be everything, from a reception committee to receive calls in the parlor, to a nurse in the nursery and a chief executive in the kitchen; while a business man devotes himself to a single trade or profession.

"When you undertake to entertain your wife the evenings you are at home, do not have too much to say about the 'scarcity of money;' for perhaps, in her particular case, she knows as much about that as you do; and if the wood and coal bills are larger every year, remember that your family is larger as well; and do not tell her the general dislike you have for children unless they are angels, for they cannot quite be angels during their stay here on earth.

"When the children are in bed and the house quiet, do not seat yourself in the easy chair and read the newspaper to yourself, from editorials to market reports, as if it contained nothing that would interest an intelligent woman. Newspapers read in selfish solitude by thoughtless husbands have made the 'rift within the lute' in more than one happy home.

"How many anecdotes and stories do you tell your wife to provoke a smile or a laugh? How many roses or pinks do you pin on your coat, and how many do you bring home to her? Are you careful of your own appearance in the long evenings when there is no other woman but her to be captivated by your manly charms? I am inclined to believe there is more excuse for her, if her dress has not been changed, her hair made tidy, than there is for you, most n.o.ble husband! Perhaps you never gave it a thought; but do not excuse your indifference and neglect of fond attentions, for they are just as dear to that careworn wife of yours at forty-five, or even fifty, years as at twenty-two, when you promised her that you would be true and faithful to her through life's journey. Have you honorably kept your word?

"Your answer may be: 'My wife knows I love her, and that's enough.' She may know it, but it is a pleasant thing to be a.s.sured of now and then, and if there were more everyday a.s.surances there would be fewer careless, heart-starved wives."

It is the nature of all women to love to be wooed and won, and after marriage the same nature craves attention, tenderness, and the expression of appreciation, affection and love. No man, even if he were so sordid and selfish as to be moved by no less base or no more worthy motive than the satisfaction of his own sensual nature and consideration for his own personal comfort, could afford to withhold the expression of at least some measure of thoughtful consideration and attention. But any home in which such feelings have to be feigned, because they cannot truly be felt, is one in which commiseration and pity need to have a large place.

Should you ever note upon the part of your own wife the slightest manifestation of indifference and estrangement, put away from your lips, and even from your heart, all words of reproof and reproach, and try again the methods that enabled you to win the affections of your wife months and years ago. We grant you that there are some women who are regular Xantippes, whom no philosopher can manage, of whom we have given ill.u.s.trious examples in the lives of some eminent men in the preceding volume, but let us hope that they are not numerous.

There are men, and not a few of them, we fear, who are doomed to disappointment in marriage. It does not take them long to discover the discrepancy between what they thought marriage to be and what it really is. They soon regard this union a mistake, and in a few years, and some even in a few months, denounce marriage as a failure. The truth is that the sole and only failure is found in the mistaken and unworthy views held, concerning marriage, by one or both parties to the contract.

Marriage is no failure, but these men are themselves the failures. They belong to a cla.s.s who hold most degraded views concerning woman and her relation to her husband in marriage. They regard woman as having been created solely to gratify the unbridled l.u.s.t of man. They married with the idea that in such a union the grossest l.u.s.t would have the sanction of law, and that in the marriage ceremony the wife relinquished all right to her own body, and for the satisfaction of wearing the white veil and carrying a bouquet of flowers consented to surrender to him not only her rights, but her sense of decency as well. These men who stare decency out of countenance upon the street, who lay traps for the ruin of innocent and unsuspecting girls, who invade the sanct.i.ty of home, and whose course through life is like the slimy trail of a venomous serpent, are unfit for marriage--they are unfit to be regarded even as men. No man, it matters not how full his bank account or how fine his clothes, if he holds these low views of woman and of the wife's place in the marriage relation, is worthy of a wife, for he dishonors his own mother and sisters, dishonors every right-thinking man, and his Maker as well.

Any man who has in him the seeds of such unworthy sentiments may be sure that even though they may be hidden during the earlier years, they will soon grow, and hasten to a harvest of terrible fruitage.

The happiness of many homes is wrecked in the early struggle to determine whether the will of the wife or the will of the husband shall have pre-eminence. We have even heard brides boasting that in trivial matters they contended with their husbands in order to teach them from the very beginning that they did not propose to recognize any superior right in the husband to direct, or, as they said, "to boss it over them." Brides often object to the word "obey" in the marriage service, and instead of using the words "Love, honor and obey," the subst.i.tution is often made of "Love, honor and cherish," or "reverence." If the word "obey" is understood by the husband to mean imperious domination, then it had better be universally expunged. Yet, nevertheless, there is a great deal of truth in the declaration of Napoleon that he would rather have his army in command of one poor general than of two good ones. The careful execution of an ordinary plan is much better than that which comes as the result of divergent views and conflicting opinions.

In an address delivered before the First National Congress of Mothers held in Washington, Hamilton Cushing, the chief of the Ethnological Department of the Government, gave a very interesting account of the custom among the Zuni Indians, who recognize the pre-eminence of the female in everything. The men are not even allowed to hold or to have any right in property, other than through their wives, mothers or sisters. In many marriage unions the wife is easily the intellectual superior of her husband, but the universal custom among civilized nations is to recognize the husband as the head of the house. This is the Christian idea, and the plain teaching of Scripture; not, however, in that mistaken sense which is so often intended when the words are quoted: "The husband is the head of the wife." The Scriptures nowhere justify a husband in a.s.suming imperious domination over his wife. He is "the head of the wife," but in that loving, considerate sense "even as Christ is the head of the Church." The Scriptural teaching is so important and so beautiful that we insert here, in their entirety, two of the princ.i.p.al selections upon this subject. That which relates to the wife we have printed in italics, and that which relates to the husband we have printed in small capitals. But to understand the relation of these two co-ordinate truths, it is necessary that the reader should note carefully the entire context. Paul, in the fifth chapter of his letter to the Ephesians, from the twenty-second to the thirty-third verse, writes as follows:

"_Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything._ HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES, EVEN AS CHRIST ALSO LOVED THE CHURCH, AND GAVE HIMSELF FOR IT; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. SO OUGHT MEN TO LOVE THEIR WIVES AS THEIR OWN BODIES. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular SO LOVE HIS WIFE EVEN AS HIMSELF; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

Here is clearly and beautifully set forth the correct relative pre-eminence in the home. It is the wife recognizing the headship of her husband, as the Church recognizes the headship, leadership and authority of Christ. Upon the part of the husband, his headship is to be exercised in the spirit of that abounding love which led the Son of G.o.d to the sacrifice of Himself, both during His life and in His atoning death, for the salvation and blessing of that body of believers who const.i.tute the Christian Church.

The teachings of Peter in his first general letter, or epistle, in the third chapter, from the first to the seventh verse, is as follows:

"Likewise, ye _wives, be in subjection to your own husbands_; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning, let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of G.o.d of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in G.o.d, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

"LIKEWISE, YE HUSBANDS, DWELL WITH THEM ACCORDING TO KNOWLEDGE, GIVING HONOR UNTO THE WIFE, as unto the weaker vessel, and AS BEING HEIRS TOGETHER OF THE GRACE OF LIFE; that your prayers be not hindered."

Here the teaching is also very beautiful and impressive. The wife is to be in subjection to a considerate and loving Christian husband because it is her privilege and honor; but even though her husband be no Christian, one who "obeys not the Word," still she is to recognize and conform to this teaching, to the end that by her consistent Christian deportment, and that adorning of "the hidden man of the heart" which is to be exhibited in "a meek and quiet spirit" she may win him to a life with Christ.

The husband is to dwell with his wife "according to knowledge," not in ignorance of the peculiar organs and functions of her reproductive nature; for Peter here manifestly refers specially to this, for with wonderful beauty he lifts the marital relation into a holy and sacred light by calling attention to the fact that the husband and the wife are "_heirs together of the grace of life_." In other words, G.o.d has taken his power as the Creator of life--think of it! as Creator--and made the husband and the wife joint heirs together of this grace or gift of creative power, which power they call into exercise in the act of reproduction. Surely, intelligence and reverence are essential, both in the husband and in the wife, in order that they may dwell together "according to knowledge."

It would scarcely seem necessary to enjoin industry as an essential to happiness in married life; and yet the happiness of many homes is wrecked on the rocks of ease and idleness. An idle person is like the ship that simply floats upon the seas without a cargo, and without a destination. There are ten thousand directions to shipwreck, but only one course that will bring the mariner to any desired port in safety.

In making labor essential, G.o.d conferred a great blessing upon man. The idle man is an unhappy man, and the idle woman is an unhappy woman.

Industry is essential to the maintenance of good health, to the proper poise and manly mastery of the s.e.xual nature, to a contented mind, a cheerful disposition, to happiness in the home and spirituality in the life.

Whatever of incentive the past may have lacked, no young husband, unless he is without true manhood, can look into the face of his devoted wife and dependent children without being inspired by the obligation which rests upon him to make adequate provision for every present need and future emergency. His energy, his effort, his wisdom are largely to determine not only the present and future, but also the temporal and eternal destiny of those who gather in dependence about him. Let these be your inspiration. Not all men can ama.s.s wealth; nor is this essential. Remember there are many things secured by industry and effort which are more precious than gold. While a competence is desirable, large wealth is seldom a great blessing. There is a world of sound philosophy in the declaration of a very rich man who said: "I worked like a slave until I was forty to make my fortune, and I have been watching it like a detective ever since--for which I have received only my lodging, food and clothes." A n.o.ble purpose, seconded by manly endeavor, will secure for your heart and your home what wealth cannot purchase.

We would be alike untrue to your best interests and unfaithful to Him who has called us to the delicate and difficult task we have undertaken in the preparation of these pages did we not say something concerning that which is highest and best in you, and which the Creator designed should dominate over every other department of your nature--namely, the religious or moral nature.

If you want your wife to be happy, do not ask her to struggle onward and upward alone in the Christian life. She will be lonely if the dearest of earthly friends is unwilling to travel heavenward with her. You will double her difficulties if in your life and example you deny the correctness of her precepts and her life. Even if you propose to yourself a life of moral rect.i.tude, yet, to your children, you will become only a stationary guide-board, pointing to their feet the way in which G.o.d intended that you should be a living guide. You have not done your duty when you have simply permitted the Saviour to come into your home as the guest of your wife and the Saviour of your children. He comes to be a guest in your heart, as well as in your home. He comes not only to save your wife and your children, but to save you--to save the father, with the wife and the children.

It is not enough, my dear brother, that you give something now and then toward the support of the church, that you send your children to Sunday-school, that you attend divine service now and then. Your wife and children cannot go to heaven for you. Their lonely struggle is saddened by your absence, and the thought that after having dwelt together with you upon the earth you may be forever separated from them in eternity.

Let me appeal to you as an honest man. What is your duty in this matter?

Your duty to your wife, to your children, to yourself, and to your G.o.d?

If we were to look upon this subject simply in the light of temporal good, all the arguments would be in favor of living a Christian life.

Even if you were to consider this subject on its very lowest plane, you should desire for your wife and your family those larger material blessings which are secured by a religious life. Christians have not only the promise of the life that is to come, but they have the promise also of the life that _now_ is. Paul says: "G.o.dliness is profitable unto all things, having the promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come." We grant you that not every Christian is enc.u.mbered with large wealth; neither is every irreligious man plunged into poverty. While there are here and there instances where unG.o.dly men are possessors of large wealth, these instances are exceptional, and the Scriptural reason not difficult to find. Their riches may be due to the fulfillment of the promise that G.o.d will visit blessings upon the children of the righteous from generation to generation. These people may have had praying and G.o.d-fearing parents, and on that account the children, in harmony with Scriptural promise, are now being crowned with the consequent blessings. Or, it may be, as the Scripture declares, that the wealth of the wicked is being laid up for the just, and the present wicked possessor may simply be holding this wealth in trust for the righteous descendants who are to come after him. Or, it may be, that G.o.d is seeking the salvation of this unG.o.dly individual, for He tells us that "the goodness of the Lord is designed to lead us to repentance."

The actual conditions are not to be determined by taking an exceptional example among the irreligious, but by dividing society as a whole into two cla.s.ses, and then the result is seen at a glance. In the one cla.s.s you have the profane, the vicious, the intemperate, the dishonest, the law-breakers, and the defiers of G.o.d and man. To this cla.s.s belongs every man who staggers, reels and falls into the gutter, every tramp who walks the road, and nine-tenths of all the persons who fill our almshouses. It includes, with scarcely an exception, every man and woman who fill our prisons and reformatory inst.i.tutions; those who crowd the great tenements and live in filth and squalor in the slums of our cities; those whose bodies reek with physical and moral rottenness--these, and many others, const.i.tute the cla.s.s of the unG.o.dly, and no attentive person can fail to observe that this is the character of that portion which the unG.o.dly have in this world.

Now, turn to the other cla.s.s. Walk up and down the streets where you find the most comfortable homes, the largest dwellings, the abodes of the most affluent and respectable in any city, and then answer the question, whether or no the wealth of the nation is not to-day largely in the hands of Christian men and Christian women? These are the people who have the best credit, who can draw checks for the largest amounts.

Among this cla.s.s you will find the most influential in business, the owners of our largest mercantile establishments. Men who direct and control the commerce of the world. Men who are at the head of our largest banking inst.i.tutions, railroad and other corporations. But not only so. These are the people who dwell in the best homes, who eat the best food, who have the largest amount of material comforts. They are the people who enjoy the best health, who have the brightest minds, who produce the best books, the most helpful literature. They have the brightest eyes and the strongest bodies, and when cholera and plague come and sweep away men and women by thousands, it scarcely ever crosses the line which separates these from the intemperate and the vicious, who go down before these scourges like gra.s.s before the sickle. Truly, my dear friend, if you are to look at it only from this lowest plane of present good and material comfort, G.o.dly living will bring to you the promise of the life that _now_ is, and in addition you will also have the promise of the life which is _to come_, a part in the first resurrection, a place at Christ's right hand, and the promise of sitting upon a throne judging the nations--you shall be among those who in triumph enter the eternal city, and receive crowns and robes and palms of victory and eternal rest at G.o.d's right hand.

You cannot afford to neglect the spiritual, which is the highest and best of your threefold nature. You should call your entire being into fullest exercise. A Christian is the highest type of manhood, and you owe it to your wife and to your children, as well as to yourself and to your Master, to be satisfied with nothing short of this. If troubled with doubt you will find the difficulty in your own heart. If infidels have filled your mind with misgiving, or suggested unbelief, read "Christianity's Challenge,"[A] "A Square Talk to Young Men,"[B] and various other volumes of the Anti-Infidel Library.[C]

[A] "Christianity's Challenge," by Rev. Dr. Herrick Johnson, American Tract Society, 269 pages, price $1.00.