The Man of the World (1792) Part 5

_Sir Per_. My dear lord, I beg ten millions of pardons for leaving town before you; but you ken that your lordship at dinner yesterday settled it that we should meet this morning at the levee.

_Lord Lum_. That I acknowledge, Mac.--I did promise to be there, I own.

_Sir Per_. You did, indeed.--And accordingly I was at the levee and waited there till every soul was gone, and, seeing you did not come, I concluded that your lordship was gone before.

_Lord Lum_. Why, to confess the truth, my dear Mac, those old sinners, Lord Freakish, General Jolly, Sir Antony Soaker, and two or three more of that set, laid hold of me last night at the opera,--and, as the General says, 'from the intelligence of my head this morning,' I believe we drank pretty deep ere we departed; ha, ha, ha!

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! nay, if you were with that party, my lord, I do not wonder at not seeing your lordship at the levee,

_Lord Lum_. The truth is, Sir Pertinax, my fellow let me sleep too long for the levee.--But I wish I had seen you before you left town--I wanted you dreadfully.

_Sir Per_. I am heartily sorry that I was not in the way:--but on what account did you want me?

_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! a cursed awkward affair.--And, ha, ha, ha! yet I cann't help laughing at it neither--tho' it vext me confoundedly.

_Sir Per_. Vext you, my lord! Zounds, I wish I had been with you:--but, for heaven's sake, my lord,--what was it, that could possibly vex your lordship?

_Lord Lum_. Why, that impudent, teasing, dunning rascal, Mahogany, my upholsterer.--You know the fellow?

_Sir Per_. Perfectly, my lord.

_Lord Lum_. The impudent scoundrel has sued me up to some d.a.m.ned kind of a--something or other in the law, that I think they call an execution.

_Sir Per_. The rascal!

_Lord Lum_. Upon which, sir, the fellow, by way of asking pardon--ha, ha, ha! had the modesty to wait on me two or three days ago, to inform my honour--ha, ha, ha! as he was pleased to dignify me,--that the execution was now ready to be put in force against my honour;--but that out of respect to my honour--as he had taken a great deal of my honour's money-- he would not suffer his lawyer to serve it, till he had first informed my honour, because he was not willing to affront my honour; ha, ha, ha! a son of a wh.o.r.e!

_SirPer_. I never heard of so impudent a dog.

_Lord Lum_. Now, my dear Mac,--ha, ha, ha! as the scoundrel's apology was so very satisfactory, and his information so very agreeable--I told him that, in honour, I thought that my honour cou'd not do less than to order his honour to be paid immediately.

_Sir Per_. Vary weel--vary weel,--you were as complaisant as the scoundrel till the full, I think, my lord.

_Lord Lum_. You shall hear,--you shall hear, Mac:--so, sir, with great composure, seeing a smart oaken cudgel that stood very handily in a corner of my dressing room, I ordered two of my fellows to hold the rascal, and another to take the cudgel and return the scoundrel's civility with a good drubbing as long as the stick lasted.

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha!--admirable!--as guid a stroke of humour as ever I heard of.--And did they drub him, my lord?

_Lord Lum_. Most liberally--most liberally, sir.--And there I thought the affair would have rested, till I should think proper to pay the soundrel,--but this morning, just as I was stepping into my chaise, my servants all about me, a fellow, called a tipstaff, slept up and begged the favour of my footman, who threshed the upholsterer, and of the two that held him, to go along with him upon a little business to my Lord Chief Justice.

_Sir Per_. The devil!

_Lord Lum_. And at the same instant, I, in my turn, was accosted by two other very civil scoundrels, who, with a most insolent politeness, begged my pardon, and informed me that I must not go into my own chaise.

_Sir Per_. How, my lord?--not into your ain carriage?

_Lord Lum_. No, sir: for that they, by order of the sheriff, must seize it, at the suit of a gentleman--one Mr. Mahogany, an upholsterer.

_Sir Per_. An impudent villain!

_Lord Lum_. It is all true, I a.s.sure you; so you see, my dear Mac, what a d.a.m.ned country this is to live in, where n.o.blemen are obliged to pay their debts, just like merchants, coblers, peasants, or mechanics--is not that a scandal, dear Mac. to the nation?

_Sir Per_. My lord, it is not only a scandal, but a national grievance.

_Lord Lum_. Sir, there is not another nation in the world has such a grievance to complain of. Now in other countries were a mechanic to dun, and tease, and behave as this Mahogany has done,--a n.o.bleman might extinguish the reptile in an instant; and that only at the expence of a few sequins, florins, or louis d'ors, according to the country where the affair happened.

_Sir Per_. Vary true, my lord, vary true--and it is monstrous that a mon of your lordship's condition is not ent.i.tled to run one of these mechanics through the body, when he is impertinent about his money; but our laws shamefully, on these occasions, make no distinction of persons amongst us.

_Lord Lum_. A vile policy indeed, Sir Pertinax.--But, sir, the scoundrel has seized upon the house too, that I furnished for the girl I took from the opera.

_Sir Per_. I never heard of sic an a scoundrel.

_Lord Lum_. Ay, but what concerns me most,--I am afraid, my dear Mac, that the villain will send down to Newmarket, and seize my string of horses.

_Sir Per_. Your string of horses? zounds! we must prevent that at all events:--that would be sic an a disgrace. I will dispatch an express to town directly to put a stop till the rascal's proceedings.

_LordLum._ Pr'ythee do, my dear Sir Pertinax.

_Sir Per._ O! it shall be done, my lord.

_Lord Lum._ Thou art an honest fellow, Sir Pertinax, upon honour.

_Sir Per._ O! my lord, it is my duty to oblige your lordship to the utmost stretch of my abeelity.

_Enter_ TOMLINS.

_Tom._ Colonel Toper presents his compliments to you, sir, and having no family down with him in the country, he and Captain Hardbottle, if not inconvenient, will do themselves the honour of taking a family dinner with you.

_Sir Per._ They are two of our militia officers--does your lordship know them?

_LordLum._ By sight only.

_Sir Per._ I am afraid, my lord, they will interrupt our business.

_Lord Lum._ Not at all: I should be glad to be acquainted with Toper; they say he's a d.a.m.ned jolly fellow.

_Sir Per._ O! devilish jolly--devilish jolly: he and the captain are the two hardest drinkers in the county.

_Lord Lum._ So I have heard; let us have them by all means, Mac: they will enliven the scene. How far are they from you?

_Sir Per._ Just across the meadows--not half a mile, my lord: a step, a step.

_LordLum._ O! let us have the jolly dogs, by all means.

_Sir Per._ My compliments--I shall be proud of their company.

[_Exit_ Tom.] Guif ye please, my lord, we will gang and chat a bit with the women: I have not seen Lady Rodolpha since she returned fra the Bath.

I long to have a little news from her about the company there.

_Lord Lum._ O! she'll give you an account of them, I warrant you.