The Internet Is A Playground Part 13

Get f.u.c.ked f.a.g her family they died in a traffic accident. have some respect. Go put some more gel in your hair and dye it balck like a emo skinny f.a.g. And how can you see my facebook page pictures?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 3 September 2010 3:02 p.m. Friday 3 September 2010 3:02 p.m.

To: George Lewis George Lewis Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw, y'all Re: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw, y'all

Dear George,

Yes, I have heard those motorhomes can be a b.i.t.c.h to steer. Especially around tight corners during a police chase or moonshine run.

I will concede to 50 percent of your description of me as a "skinny f.a.g" being correct. If our bodies are temples, mine would be a heavily sh.e.l.led Iranian mosque express. To rectify this, I have instigated a fitness and weight training regimen. Once a week I carry two heavy garbage bags out to the sidewalk and jog back. As this week was my first session and I did not want to overexert myself, I took the car. Obviously with a few breaks in between to rehydrate and stretch.

Although hardly an emo, I understand their pain. If I looked in the mirror and saw an anorexic version of Pugsley Adams staring back at me, I would probably start cutting myself as well. I will admit to having dyed my hair once, though. The product, misrepresented as "Natural Black" instead of "Astro Boy Black," turned my hair as dark as an adequate simile describing just how black it actually was and stained my forehead and ears purple. In an attempt to blend the color, I rubbed the remainder of the mixture onto my face, figuring it might look like a tan. I spent the following two weeks telling people that I could not leave the house due to agoraphobia, an illness usually self-diagnosed by the unemployed as an excuse to stay home and m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e or play Wii.

I have access to your Facebook page due to the friend request you accepted from the Oscar Wilde profile I constructed yesterday.

I a.s.sumed the name would hold no relevance to you and, consistency being the last refuge of the unimaginative, I typed "Redneck wearing baseball cap" into Google images to locate a photo you would identify and feel comfortable with.

Regards, David From: George Lewis George Lewis Date: Friday 3 September 2010 4:48 p.m. Friday 3 September 2010 4:48 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw, y'all Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Yeehaw, y'all

Thats fraud. I will report you to the police and to facebook f.a.g. i would shoot you in the face with my .32 if you were here right now.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 3 September 2010 5:19 p.m. Friday 3 September 2010 5:19 p.m.

To: George Lewis George Lewis Subject: tarded tarded

Dear George,

Yes, I'm fairly certain there is a worldwide criminal investigation network dedicated solely to bringing those who construct fake Facebook profiles to justice. I believe the punishment is tar and feathering in most parts of the world except West Virginia, where you are stripped naked, oiled up, and chased around a paddock while wearing a pig mask.

Apparently, in West Virginia this is also known as a "date." Variations include subst.i.tuting the paddock with a motorhome or the person with an actual pig. Or in your case, both.

Also, as it is probably far more acceptable for men in West Virginia to hold guns than hands, I will a.s.sume the phrase "shooting me in the face with my .32" is not a euphemism.

Regards, David From: George Lewis George Lewis Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7:04 p.m. Friday 3 September 2010 7:04 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: tarded Re: tarded

Ive deleted you from my facebook and reported you. i hope you die of aids f.a.g. Dont bothering e-mailing me again becasue I wont read it.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7:12 p.m. Friday 3 September 2010 7:12 p.m.

To: George Lewis George Lewis Subject: dneck dneck

Yes you will.

From: George Lewis George Lewis Date: Friday 3 September 2010 7:16 p.m. Friday 3 September 2010 7:16 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: dneck Re: dneck

No I f.u.c.king wont f.a.g

Scientific Model showing Tom's head in relation to planetary ma.s.s showing Tom's head in relation to planetary ma.s.s

Tom in his car in his car

Tom's head badly photoshopped onto a lady with goiters badly photoshopped onto a lady with goiters

Breakthrough medical operation brings new hope for Thomas It was Champagne all round last night in celebration of the medical breakthrough that, despite previous diagnostics, may indeed cure Thomas of the rare condition that has caused his head to swell to unimagined proportions.

Dr. Hermine Bergmann is thrilled with the results. "We have been able to reduce the swelling by 85 percent, bringing his head down to the size of a small family car or large hatchback, similar to the Renault my husband recently bought me," she said. "We have him wearing a two-person inflatable boat as a hat to avoid any further damage, but we hope to have his head down to a size where he will be able to drive his convertible with the roof up."

Thomas's family is extremely pleased at the breakthrough: "I thought his head was just going to get bigger and bigger till it exploded," said his father. "He'd come over and sit down in front of the telly, and no one could see a b.l.o.o.d.y thing past his great hairy weather balloon of a head. It was f.u.c.king incredible-you should have seen it. I would have taken photos but didn't have a wide-angle lens."

Medical staff first believed it may have been simply a large tumor with a face, but this was disproven when some movement resembling motor skills was observed. "The operation was touch-and-go there for a while," said Dr. Bergmann. "We simply did not have medical instruments designed to cut through that amount of ma.s.s; even the industrial laser brought in especially for the operation struggled to get through the eighteen meters of solid limestone, but the patient is doing well and looking forward to one day being able to wear his trucker hats again."

Physicists have expressed relief about the news, as it was widely considered fact among the scientific field that Thomas's head, if allowed to expand further, would develop its own gravitational field, affecting planetary rotation.

h.e.l.lo, my name is Scott, and I have a blog My blog contains the wittiest stuff on the Internet. I have had over five hits on my blog during the time it has been running, and not all of those have been people I asked to go there.

Because I am a professional blog writer, I recently upgraded my Amstrad CPC 464 to an appropriate system befitting my role. Using my wife's credit card, I purchased fifteen mainframe computer systems but have ordered an additional twenty-five computers, as no matter how full my hard drives become, people keep putting new p.o.r.n on the Internet. I have no idea how they expect me to keep up. I feel like Captain Picard commanding the Enterprise Enterprise when I work, and sometimes I wear my when I work, and sometimes I wear my Star Trek Star Trek uniform when my wife is out. My favorite character from uniform when my wife is out. My favorite character from Star Trek Star Trek is Wesley. Once during a freak storm, the electricity in our house went out and I was unable to access my hard drives for more than five hours. My t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es grew to the size of small watermelons, and I was rushed to the hospital. While I was recovering in Ward 7G, I made friends with a small boy named Ross in the bed next to me. He died from cancer the next day, so I took his Sony PSP. is Wesley. Once during a freak storm, the electricity in our house went out and I was unable to access my hard drives for more than five hours. My t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es grew to the size of small watermelons, and I was rushed to the hospital. While I was recovering in Ward 7G, I made friends with a small boy named Ross in the bed next to me. He died from cancer the next day, so I took his Sony PSP.

As a professional blog writer of the wittiest stuff on the Internet, I recently decided to quit my job as head a.s.sistant chef in charge of pickles at McDonald's and focus full time on my writing career. Due to my unique creative spark and rapier sharp wit, my blog has had unprecedented success, and just this week I had another hit. Being a professional blog writer is not all Moet and chicken nuggets, though. Due to server and hosting fees, I made minus four hundred and ninety dollars last financial year, but my wife works three jobs and has a credit card, so it all balances out.

If I had friends, they would often ask me, "Scott, what is the secret behind your Champagne-quality comedy?" and I would explain to them that it is just a gift and that some people are naturally born with an incredible creative spark while others just get to read it. Recently, I wrote about the time a bee flew in my car window and then flew back out. It was so funny, and when I posted a link to it on World of Warcraft, World of Warcraft, a level 54 dwarf wrote back saying, "Awesome man," which made my day. Once when I was online in my dwarf clan, I met a level 41 dwarf named Cindy, and we fell in love despite her being below my status. I would send her poetry about a level 54 dwarf wrote back saying, "Awesome man," which made my day. Once when I was online in my dwarf clan, I met a level 41 dwarf named Cindy, and we fell in love despite her being below my status. I would send her poetry about Warcraft Warcraft and she would edit it for me. As my wife works 180-hour weeks, this gave me plenty of opportunity to organize a liaison with Cindy in real life. After arranging to meet, I packed my dwarf costume and battle-ax and used my wife's credit card to buy a bus ticket to the town Cindy lived in. As it turned out, Cindy was actually a real dwarf. And a man. We still made love so as not to waste the money I had spent, but I left feeling deceived and only partly satisfied. Why can't people just be honest? and she would edit it for me. As my wife works 180-hour weeks, this gave me plenty of opportunity to organize a liaison with Cindy in real life. After arranging to meet, I packed my dwarf costume and battle-ax and used my wife's credit card to buy a bus ticket to the town Cindy lived in. As it turned out, Cindy was actually a real dwarf. And a man. We still made love so as not to waste the money I had spent, but I left feeling deceived and only partly satisfied. Why can't people just be honest?

Dividing my time between writing professionally on my blog and online as Scott the Invincible is not my only creative outlet. I am also a professional cartoonist. I am much better than Carl Schultz; my ideas are more clever and creative. I would describe my art as cutting edge with my ears to the street, and if you don't get my cartoons then "Yo momma" to you, n.i.g.g.a. Here is one of my best cartoons, when I originally posted it my hits went up 400 percent, and all four people said that it was unlike any professional material they had ever seen before.

The cartoon above is funny on two levels, which makes it lateral. First, I was looking at p.o.r.n but said that I wasn't, so this is like British comedy and brilliant in itself without the rest. Second, I said, "Make it so," which is what Captain Picard says in Star Trek Star Trek-and I was wearing my Star Trek uniform when I said it. Do you get it? It is probably too clever for you.

If I could give one word of advice to anybody wanting to be a professional blog writer like me, it would be to realize that it does not matter what the subject is; the important thing is how I feel about it. Balance is also important, I find that the best ratio is to have 90 percent of the stories be about me and how I feel about things and the remaining 10 percent linking to stories about me and how I feel about things.

Lucius caught in Nigerian e-mail s.e.x scam Local captain of most teams, including the Lucius fan club, is safe after his "safari to riches" became a living nightmare. Replying to the e-mail was his first mistake. A mistake that would cost Lucius more than the amount he gave to Mr. Bandabaloobi.

"Mr. Bandabaloobi told me he was from the Nigerian Bank," said Lucius. "We first met when he wrote me an e-mail explaining he needed me to transfer three million dollars out of the country because a rich old guy had died and the government was going to keep the money unless I could help and for this I would receive a percentage.

"I gave them my account details and bought a plane ticket to Nigeria to meet Mr. Bandabaloobi and sign the transfer papers.

"Once I arrived I was beaten and taken to a small hotel room on the outskirts of town. I was stripped and kissed by dark and very hairy men. One of the men, named Carl, was very gentle and told me he loved me, but the others were rough. So very rough. I struggled and told them I was a friend of Mr. Bandabaloobi, but they tied me up and took turns kissing my

beautiful body, touching me, and making me do things I had sometimes thought about and imagined but had never expected to really happen, because I am straight. The fact that one of the men looked like a black version of my dad kind of freaked me out, and Carl turned out to be huge, but like I said, he was very gentle and we just took things really slow. He's cool; we have swapped e-mails since. Nothing gay, though, cause he knows I am straight.

"Having survived the ordeal and returned home, my only regret is that I missed my meeting with Mr. Bandabaloobi and didn't get to see any African animals like giraffes and lions and those little things that peek up really quick and look around and then pop back down really quick. They are really cool. They are like those little dogs that live on the prairie. I can't remember what those ones are called either, but they look a little bit like otters. They don't live in water like otters, though; they live on the prairies. No, I don't know what a prairie is."

Missing Missy I was up all night in tears I am not a big fan of cats. I do not hate them; I just have no interest in them whatsoever. If I visit your house, I do not want to pat your cat, sit on the couch where it has been, or have you make me a sandwich after patting it. I didn't want that sandwich, anyway. The Maxwell House coffee was bad enough, and when you smelled the milk to see if it was still OK, despite being a week past its use-by date, I saw your nose touch the carton. I actually rescued a cat once. I was walking across a bridge, over a river that was flooding, when I heard mewing and saw a frantic cat being pulled along. I picked up a fairly hefty branch and threw it over the rail to where the cat was. I did not see it after that, but I am pretty sure it would have climbed on and ridden the branch to safety.

From: Shannon Walkley Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9:15 a.m. Monday 21 June 2010 9:15 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Poster Poster

Hi. I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number. Thanks Shan.