The Etiquette of Engagement and Marriage Part 7

A Justifiable Case.

It would seem, then, that where parental consent is refused on the ground of advisability, not of vital principle, the girl is justified in holding herself bound till such time as she is free to give her hand in marriage. She will use this bond as a defence against other suitors who may be urged upon her. She will not flaunt her decision in the parental face, nor cause ructions by tactlessly obtruding the bone of contention; but she will be firm and loyal, true to herself and to him she loves.

Where the Mother Shares the Secret.

Where the father is somewhat of a Spartan there is not unfrequently a gentle, sympathetic mother, who will dare much to make her child happy. The daughter is well advised to make such a mother her confidante. A woman who schemes to entangle a young man of wealth or high rank into a secret engagement with her daughter, who she knows is no suitable wife for him, is neither honest to him nor kind to her child. Such unequal marriages seldom answer in real life. There must be sympathy, and a certain community of interests to make marriage a success.

Friends who act as Go-Between.

There is a spice of romance in helping distressed and persecuted lovers; but young people should be very careful not to mix themselves up in such matters. Their own experience is too limited to qualify them for the task. Older friends must take the consequences of such interference. Sometimes their help is most ill-advised; still, for a time at least, the lovers will be intensely grateful to them. There is one thing that seems quite unjustifiable, and that is for a secretly engaged pair to make a friend's house their rendezvous without telling the friend exactly how matters stand. It is an abuse of hospitality, for it is pretty sure to bring unpleasantness to the friend, who will inevitably be blamed by the parents when the secret leaks out, or an elopement takes {64} place. Trains, telephones, and telegraphs have robbed the latter episode of all its old-world reckless charm, and it really seems hardly worth the doing.

In some cases a married friend may intervene to prevent any scandal from touching the wilful bride. If the young folks will not listen to reason, it is as well for their folly to be carried out as respectably as possible; but all such sympathy should be tempered by judgment, for the making or marring of two lives is in the balance, and the happiness of many hearts may be at stake.

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CHAPTER XI

_Foreign Etiquette of Engagements--Betrothal a much more Serious Matter than in England._

In no other country is an engagement so informal as in England. We find all sorts of ceremonies connected with the plighting of a troth which seems but little less important than the tying of the marriage knot itself. There is less spontaneity and exercise of private judgment on the part of the young people; in fact, there are several countries in which they are allowed no voice in the matter.

In Italy

girls are kept quite in the background, and have a very dull time.

This makes them ready to accept any suitor their parents may choose. A meeting is arranged between the young people, and after that he pays stiff visits to her home, generally in the evening, but they are never left alone together, and he is not allowed to pay her any marked attention even before others. They may exchange photographs, and she may work him a little present; but it is all lifeless, pa.s.sionless, and business-like. Among the peasantry there is more of the picturesque, and many quaint customs still survive. Marriage-brokers do a good trade, and get a percentage on each pair that they see through the ordeal of a wedding. In Frascati, parents with marriageable sons and daughters a.s.semble on Sunday afternoons in the chief piazza. The men sit on one side and the women on the other. In the intervening s.p.a.ce the candidates for matrimony walk about--the girls near their mothers, the youths under their fathers' eyes. By some mysterious process of selection they sort themselves into couples, or, rather, the parents make mutual advances on behalf of their children and they are betrothed.

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In France

similar restrictions are placed upon lovers, and no one under the age of twenty-five can contract a legal marriage without the consent of his or her parents. If three appeals have been made in vain for parental sanction, there may be an appeal to the law. The proposed marriage must also be publicly announced beforehand, or it is invalid.

In _Brittany_ there is a strange mixture of the romantic and the practical. The village tailor is the usual negotiator who interviews both the lovers and their parents. When he has smoothed the way, the intending bridegroom pays his first visit, which is accompanied by many pretty customs. He is allowed to take his sweetheart aside, and no one dares to interrupt this, their first, _tete-a-tete_. Meanwhile the elders discuss business, and when the lovers come back to the family circle a feast is enjoyed, at which the parents bless the food, and the lovers are only allowed one knife and plate between them. The signing of the wedding contract later on is another festivity, and the presents are mostly of a useful nature.

German Betrothals

are more or less formal, though the young couple are allowed to choose for themselves. The suitor has not much chance of seeing the lady alone before he has made up his mind; he must be circ.u.mspect, or his intentions will be promptly inquired into. He puts on his Sunday clothes with lavender kids when he comes to ask the important question, and as soon as a satisfactory answer has been obtained the happy pair are congratulated by the family, and the table is decorated for the festive meal. They go out arm-in-arm to call upon their friends in a day or two, and a formal announcement is not only sent round to all their acquaintance, but is also inserted in the daily papers. Great attention must be paid to the exact t.i.tle possessed by every one connected with the happy pair, as t.i.tles count for much in Germany. The engaged girl is called a bride, and her lover a bridegroom, before marriage. She shows her prowess in the culinary line by preparing the meals to which he is invited. They are not supposed to travel alone; even if they are going to stay with his relations, some lady must {67} accompany them. In many cases the parents have qualms about allowing too much _tete-a-tete_ intercourse to the engaged couple, but greater liberty is gradually being given.

In Russia

it is considered a disgrace for a woman to be unmarried, and if no suitor offers himself, she leaves her home and settles in a strange place as a widow. She may prefer to travel for a time, and return home with a pitiful tale of the husband she lost at sea, or who died at the beginning of the honeymoon. The priests often act as intermediaries, but sometimes a woman versed in dark lore makes the arrangements. At the betrothal feast the girl gives her lover a long lock of her hair, and he gives her a silver ring set with turquoise, bread and salt, and an almond cake. This interchange of gifts is equal to a marriage bond.

All the presents have a symbolical meaning; the rings are bought from and blessed by the clergy, and are treasured as heirlooms in the family.

In Spain

girls are most jealously guarded, and marriages are arranged by the parents. Still the romantic element is not wanting. The young man sees the lady who steals his heart, and begins to woo her from a distance with eyes and voice till he can gain an introduction to her family.

The main joy in a Spanish courtship is the clandestine prelude to the actual engagement. He may follow the lady about and serenade her, according to regulations, but he may not speak till he is introduced.

She appears to ignore his attentions, but she misses nothing. The courtship is often protracted, but the girl is given freedom of choice. The law can come to the a.s.sistance of lovers whose union is prevented by their parents, in the same way as in France.

The amount of liberty given to the engaged couple differs in various districts, but throughout Spain the love making may be said to end with marriage. In Murcia they may not meet or speak unless her mother is present, and the lover may neither touch the hand nor kiss the lips of his sweetheart till she is his wife.

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Sweden.

Unmarried girls in this country enjoy an unrivalled reputation for gaiety and merriment. Bread is considered a love charm, and the two who eat from the same loaf will fall in love with each other. The suitor often sends an amba.s.sador to a girl he has never seen, and if his proposal is accepted he calls the next Sunday. The lady is not supposed to take any notice of him, but continues her knitting in a stolid fashion. In some parts there is a religious betrothal ceremony, when plain gold rings are exchanged; but the more usual way of celebrating an engagement is by a social festivity. The lover must give a "Yes-Gift" to his future bride, which consists of a gold or silver cup--the size is not stipulated--filled with coins wrapped up in quite new white tissue-paper. He also gives her a prayer-book, while she offers in return some garment she has made for him herself.

If it is a shirt he wears it on his wedding-day, and then lays it aside to wear in his grave. These quaint customs are mostly found in the country districts. Town-dwellers merely send out cards with the names of the pair printed on each one, and further announcements appear in the papers.

In Switzerland

there is not much romance in either wooing or wedding. The Swiss may not marry till the youth is eighteen and the girl sixteen, and up to the age of twenty the consent of parents or guardians is necessary.

When the time draws near for the wedding, the pair must go together to a civil officer, and must each present him with a certificate of birth, and tell him their ages, names, professions, and where they and where their parents live. He then writes a deed containing their promise of marriage, which must be made public for at least a fortnight in the places where they were born, where they are living at the time, and where they wish to be married. If n.o.body makes an objection the ceremony can take place. May-Day is sacred to lovers in Lucerne. He plants a small decorated pine-tree before her house at dawn, and if he is accepted a right royal feast is prepared for him.

The little tree is {69} treasured till the first baby appears. A Swiss peasant girl is often compelled to take the lover who lives nearest to her home, as the introduction of an outsider is resented by the men of the place.

The Hungarian

likes to linger over his wooing, and he is a past master in the art.

The lovers have absolute freedom of intercourse, and secure privacy in the family circle by making a tent of his large, graceful cloak, under which they sit and make love undisturbed. All the actual formalities go through a third person, and much ceremony is observed in the negotiations. The first stage of courtship is marked by the "Loving Cup" feast, and the binding betrothal is known as the "Kissing Feast."

In Norway

courtship is of necessity a very long process among the peasant folk, for money is not easily earned, and no man may marry till he is a householder, while houses may only be built in certain places and under fixed regulations. Seven years is quite an average time for an engagement, during which they do their love-making in a simple, unaffected manner. No man ever jilts a woman, and broken engagements are almost unknown.

In _Greece_ parents pay a man to marry their daughter, and no man may marry till all his own sisters are provided with _trousseaux_ and dowers.

The girl who _accepts_ an offer of marriage in _Greenland_ is for ever disgraced. Her father may give her away or her husband may drag her by her hair to his own tent, and it is all right. She must be married by capture, against her own will, and the love comes afterwards, if at all.

A Thuringian girl gives her suitor sausage to eat as a sign that he is rejected. A Spanish maid presents her lover with a pumpkin as her way of saying "No." In the Russian district of the Ukraine the lady does the courting, and {70} besieges the man in his own house. Courtesy will not let him turn her out, so if he does not want her he has to seek other quarters for himself. On the Isthmus of Darien either man or woman can take the initiative, so every one gets a good chance all round.

It is not possible, here, to touch upon the elaborate betrothal and marriage customs of the East.