The Etiquette of Engagement and Marriage Part 6

The above letter would imply that the mother knew a good deal about the girl her son was going to marry, and of course she would try to write in a cordial strain, even though she was taking her future daughter-in-law upon the son's recommendation.

The girl's answer might be on these lines:--

"My dear Mrs. Stanley,--You cannot think how glad I was to receive your most kind letter. It is such a relief to feel that you do not disapprove of Frank's choice. I only hope that you may still approve when you know me better. I am delighted to accept your kind invitation, and can come on the 14th if that will suit you. I can hardly yet realise my great happiness, and feel that I can never do enough for Frank.--With many thanks for your kindness, believe me, with love, yours affectionately, Sybil Carlton."

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CHAPTER IX

_His Visits to her Home--The Engaged Couple in Public--In Society--Visiting at the same House--Going about together--The Question of Expenses._

His Visits to her Home.

If distance parts the loving couple he will only be able to spend his leave, or annual holidays, with her, and will make a point of consulting her movements before he lays any plans for his leisure time. If he could meet her abroad, or at the seaside, he would not go off yachting without her, nor postpone his holiday till the shooting had begun rather than spend the month of June with her in the suburbs.

If he lives in the same neighbourhood as his beloved he will have many opportunities of being with her. He ought never to neglect his work for his courtship, and a girl should be very careful not to propose such a thing. It is a poor lookout for their future if they put pleasure first. He will probably be expected or permitted to spend two or three evenings a week at her home, dine there on Sundays, and, if he is busy all the week, devote Sat.u.r.day afternoons to her entirely. A man of leisure can make his own arrangements; the business or professional man must do his love-making when he can.

The Engaged Couple in Public.

"Some men like to advertise their kissing rights," said an engaged man to me the other day; "but for my part I don't think there should be anything in the bearing of an engaged couple in public to indicate that they are more than friends." Here, I think, we have the etiquette of the matter in a nutsh.e.l.l. Wherever the lovers are they will be supremely conscious of each other's presence, but it need not be writ {57} large over their actions. It is sometimes debated whether lovers should kiss in public. As the sweetest kisses must ever be those exchanged "under four eyes," as the Germans put it, there seems little advantage in a mere conventional "peck" in the public gaze. A close clasp of the hand, a silent greeting of the eyes, will be truer to the love that is held too sacred for exhibition.

The man's attentions should never merge into questionable hilarity. He ought to respect as well as love the woman he hopes to marry. She should equally avoid gushing and tyrannising over him. To see a girl ordering her _fiance_ about, making him fetch and carry like a black boy, and taking his submission as her due, is enough to justify the hope that the worm will turn to some purpose when she least expects it. There should be nothing abject in love on either side. It hurts to see the dog-like look of entreaty in human eyes. Things should be more on a level; the hearts of man and woman should give and take gladly of their best, with love that is pure, brave, and unashamed.

In Society.

Mutual friends will be sure to invite the engaged couple to various social functions. Where it is possible and convenient they will arrive and leave together. He will naturally be eager to escort her about as much as he can; they must, however, be prepared to sacrifice themselves on such occasions. He will see that she has all she wants at a garden party or At Home, but he will not glare at another man for handing her an ice or a cup of tea; nor will he neglect his duties to sit in his sweetheart's pocket, or stand behind her chair to warn off intruders. On the other hand he will not attract attention by devoting himself to any one particular lady, or play into the hands of the wanton flirt.

A well-bred woman or girl will not give herself away by allowing awkward pauses to break the conversation because her thoughts and eyes are hungrily trying to follow her lover, who is manfully a.s.sisting the hostess. She will not make herself conspicuous in her behaviour with any other admirer, but be perfectly at ease with any man to whom she may have occasion to speak.

If any of the lady's friends wish to make her _fiance's_ acquaintance they will send him an invitation to a dance or party through her, not an informal message, but a card such as they send to their other guests, which she will pa.s.s on to him.

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Visiting at the same House.

The engaged couple are not considered good company by outsiders, so when they are included in a house-party they should exercise a little healthful self-control. The cosy corners, shady walks, and secluded nooks are not their monopoly. The two who are beginning to make love ought to have a chance. Others may have business to discuss, arrangements to make, or letters to write for which they desire privacy, and the pervading presence of the betrothed pair is apt to become irritating. When etiquette requires that they should be parted, it is their duty to fall in courteously with any arrangement their hostess may make.

Going about Together.

The amount of _tete-a-tete_ intercourse will differ in almost every case. It seems most natural that lovers should go about together as much as possible, seeing that they are learning to pa.s.s their lives together. The girl who has taken little expeditions with her _fiance_ will be spared much of the embarra.s.sment that might mar the opening of the honeymoon if she felt shy and strange, cut off from all her old moorings. They will spend long days on the river, take rambles into the country, see the sights of the town, and do a hundred other things that will be doubly delightful just because they are alone together.

The Question of Expenses.

It is sometimes taken for granted that the _fiance_ must pay all expenses when he takes his sweetheart about. This, I think, should depend upon circ.u.mstances. The rich lover does well to lavish his money upon his future wife, and will {59} take a pride in so doing. The man of moderate means who has to work for his income will do well to put by all he can for future emergencies, and if the girl to whom he is engaged has her own money or an ample allowance, it is much better that they should come to an understanding to share the cost of their pleasures, in view of possible necessities.

This need not prevent the poorer man from spending a certain amount upon his love. Every now and then there will be special days when he will play the host, and they will be red-letter days to both. If she is going anywhere by his special invitation he would naturally defray her expenses; but on their weekly jaunts why should he be put to the double outlay when he wants to save all he can to start their home?

Why should he reduce his balance at the bank by first-cla.s.s fares, theatre tickets, and taxis two or three times a week, when he may have to borrow money to buy their furniture? No girl ought to expect or encourage this sort of thing. She is not afraid of being under an obligation to him, for love knows no such thing, but she has the wisdom to look ahead.

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CHAPTER X

_Love-Letters--Long or Short Engagements--Broken Engagements--Clandestine Engagements--When Justifiable--The Mother in the Secret--Friends who act as Go-Between._

Love-Letters.

There are, I believe, engaged couples who, after parting from each other at 7 P.M., write a long letter before going to bed that night, containing all that they had not time to say. If they have the time and energy to spare it concerns no one but themselves; but it seems a pity to make a rule of this sort, as it may become a tax, and the breaking of it on either side may cause pain if not friction.

There will be times without number when delightful little love-letters will have to be written. They will come as a joyful surprise and be twice as sweet as those that are expected.

When daily or even frequent meetings are impossible, then the love-letter has a most important part to play in the course of true love. Letters are a very valuable addition to personal intercourse. It is not safe to judge a person entirely from them, but taking them side by side with personal knowledge they throw a good deal of light on a character. The glamour of the beloved presence is not there to blind, the charm of manner or voice is not powerful to fascinate, so the words stand on their own merits. Sometimes they do not quite fit in with what we know of the writer. They show us another side of one we love. It may be endearing, it may be the reverse. In any case the letters that pa.s.s between an engaged couple should be kept absolutely private. We know the story of the man who wrote the same love-letters to two girls, who {61} discovered his treachery by comparing their respective treasures. Such a case is, I hope, purely fictional, but there ought to be some exceptionally good reason for divulging the sweet nothings that go to make up the typical love-letter. For the one to whom they are addressed they will be sublime, to the outsider they will probably be only ridiculous.

The Length of Engagements.

Considering what a vital change marriage is bound to bring into the lives of those who make the contract, it would seem the height of rashness to hurry into it with a person of whom one knows but little.

It may be contended that the mutual att.i.tude of lovers during their engagement is not calculated to enlarge their real knowledge of each other. Certainly not, if the marriage is to take place while they are at fever-heat, living in a whirl of emotional rapture. But let an engagement be long enough for their love to settle down into a more normal state, where their reasoning faculties will be able to work--then they will gain a clearer estimate of their mutual fitness, and may learn a good deal about each other.

It has been said that no man should make an offer of marriage till he is in a position to support a wife. This is a little hard. If a man is worth having, he is worth waiting for. He has no right to speak till he has some definite prospect in view, or unless he is fully determined to do his best to further his own interests. No girl or woman should be expected to waste her youth and wear out her heart as the promised wife of a man who is not trying to make their marriage possible. Above all, no man should be mean enough to take money from the one to whom he is engaged merely to indulge his own idleness.

A year or eighteen months may be taken as a fair time for the engagement of those who have known but little of each other beforehand. In the case of long intimacy six months will probably suffice. A girl exposes herself to much unpleasant criticism by urging on a hasty marriage. Even if she feels impatient, she should let that sort of thing come from the man. If he lets the time drag on with seeming {62} indifference or satisfaction, she should ask one of her parents to speak to him on the subject, and if she guesses that he has no real desire to marry her, she had far better give him up altogether than urge him to take the step unwillingly.

Broken Engagements.

It sometimes happens that during this period of courtship either the man or the woman realises that a mistake has been made; if so, let it be rectified before a still more serious one be committed. It is a delicate matter for a man to take the initiative. No woman should drive him to do so. Let her make him a present of his freedom before he has to ask for it. It is due to a man's self-respect to break with a woman who openly and wantonly disregards his wishes on any important point. In the same way if a man will not give up bad habits, such as gambling, intemperance, or whatever it may be, for the sake of the girl he is engaged to, she may be pretty sure that he will not do it when she is his wife. Let him choose between her and his vices.

Once the engagement is at an end the ring and other presents should be sent back, unless by special mutual arrangement to the contrary.

Letters are either burnt or returned to the writer. There is a good deal of sentiment about these written proofs of a love that has proved a failure, on one side at least. The two who have been so nearly one now become mere acquaintances again in the eyes of the world, and will probably not be anxious to meet for some time to come.

Clandestine Engagement.

The obstacle to true love in former days was parental authority, which often savoured of tyranny. In these days of liberty the young people have it more their own way. When parents object to a lover on the mere ground of his poverty, or some personal prejudice, a girl may be excused for making her own choice when she is of age. If she binds herself secretly to a man whose moral unfitness is objected to, she is courting certain misery and possible disgrace.

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