The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 61

What do yu bet Fame iz? I bet it iz climeing a greased pole tew win a puss ov 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov clothes worth fifteen.

New York iz a fast place. If a man pulls out on a phuneral procession, jist az likely az not the whole procession, led bi the hea.r.s.e hoss, will strike a 2-40 gait and leave him tew take their dust.

Ambishun iz like hunger--it obeys no law but its appetight.

There iz no medicine like a good joke; it iz a silver-coated pill that frolicks and phisicks on the run.

Beauty iz a morning dream which the breakfast bell puts an end to.

The man who never makes enny blunders will never rise in the esteem ov the world abuv the reputashun ov a good guide-board.

I dont want enny better proof ov a good hod-carrier than tew hear another hod-carrier say, "He iz a cussid phool and dont understand hiz bizzness."

[Ill.u.s.tration: WHAT TICKET DO YOU VOTE?]

Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The man who kan eat hiz bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat it unless it iz spred with b.u.t.ter.

"Vote early and vote often," is the Politishun's golden rule. Du unto others az yu would be dun by.

What ticket do you vote?

I never knew but one infidel in mi life, and he had no more courage than a haff drowned kitten jist pulled out ov a swill barrel, and waz az afraid tew die az the devil would be if he waz allowed tew visit this earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself.

Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then deliberately gits into.

Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man's boddy, are like two lawyers when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they compromise the matter by laying out the patient.

One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing a hole to fit the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole.

A lie iz like nitro-glycerine, the best ov judges kant tell when it iz going tew bust and skatter confushun.

A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail iz full, and seldum misses the mark; it iz jist so with sum men's blunders.

Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which the steel alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals tew us hidden gems which prosperity or negligence would forever hav hid.

About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.

Most people when they c.u.m tew yu for advice c.u.m tew hav their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted.

Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow Christians and wide awake sinners.

Thare iz lots ov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use tew themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others.

All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov stone to one ounce ov gold.

Hope and Debt are partners in trade--Hope hunts up the customers and Debt skins them.

Hunger iz a s.l.u.t hound on a fresh track.

Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over.

Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun skatters.

A man has got about done going down hill when he gits whar he brags on hiz lazyness; such a kritter is ov no more use tew himself nor others than a frozen-tew-death rooster in a barnyard.

He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly git his reward here and hereafter; but hiz reward here will be the poor-house.

Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and he will larn tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he kan spell a word ov two sillables.

A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the heats--"blood will tell."

Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav bin straining for years after a camel and finally had to swallow a nat.

We should awl aim at perf.e.c.kshun, but no one but a phool will expekt tew reach it.

Pride livs on itself, it iz like a racc.o.o.n in winter, keep fatt bi sucking its claws.

Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn't neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay.

GNATS.

I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew c.u.m down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the t.i.te spot c.u.ms in.

Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it duz tew confess our sins.

What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors misfortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven.

Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the dark, whistling tew shorten the distance.

"The G.o.ds help them who help themselfs." Upon the same principle mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs.

Falling in love iz like falling into molla.s.siss, sweet but dreadful dobby.

Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, a species ov game that kant be reproduced.

Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the same time making the company satisfied with you and pleazed with themselfs.

Tew be happy--take things az they c.u.m, and let them go jist az they c.u.m.

It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but it don't take but little virtew.

It iz the little things ov this life that plague us--

Muskeeters are plenty, elephants ska.r.s.e.