The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 62

What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we could pump all the pride and selfishness out ov it! It would improve it az much az taking the fire and brimstun out ov the other world.

Don't mistake plezzure for happiness; it iz entirely a different breed ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt plezzure in happiness, but thare iz a grate deal ov plezzure that haz no happiness in it.

Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i like to see idleness in, and that iz, in molla.s.siss--i want mi molla.s.siss slo and eazy.

Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz on a goose, it makes them tuffer.

"_Sewing Sosietys_," are generally places whare the wimmin meet to rip and so--up the naberhood.

A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare; an industrious man iz one who haz more time to spare than he knows what to do with.

It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don't kno.

A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one--the hardest work i kno ov, iz to grunt--it iz harder tew set still, and fite flies, than it iz tew git up and escape from them.

KINDLING WOOD.

Young man, when yu hav tew sarch Webster's d.i.c.kshionary tew find words big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don't mean mutch.

We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire bravery in a man.

Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety.

About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how tew enjoy mizery.

It iz a grate art tew kno how tew "gather figs from thistles," but philosophy teaches it.

The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz bekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls.

We are poor not from what we need, but from what we want; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov pepmint essence--i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred yards belo, for this reazon, when I read a book it iz one written by an old author whoze thoughts the modern writer haz attempted tew improve bi diluting.

This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reason whi so menny ov them live unnoticed iz bekause they adorn every day life and not an ockashun.

All suckcessful flirts hav sharp eyes, one eye they keep on yu and one on the other ph.e.l.low.

Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew their virtew.

Man iz a hily eddikated animal.

Don't never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, n.o.boddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right n.o.boddy will remember it.

Tounge-tied wimmin are very ska.r.s.e and very valuable.

Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different.

Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they bust.

It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it.

Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant laff and devils won't.

Don't never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu.

I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own.

He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it.

When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale--run before the wind.

Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel.

I never had a man c.u.m tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine.

Edukashun that don't learn a man how tew think iz like knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards.

Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat--the rat iz quite az app tew c.u.m out at the other eend ov the hole.

Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule--it sets them tew kiking bak.

One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that n.o.boddy will phollow, and relating experiences that every boddy distrusts.

An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for amuzement!

Vice in the young fills us with horror--in the old, with disgust.

Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy.

Thare ain't a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan "shine em up" a leetle better than enny one else.

The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz--_death_.

The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it.

The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.

Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot dispense with.

Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting.

The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools endurable.

The sn.o.bs are all either half-breeds or dunghills.