The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 60

Yung man, don't grind yure scythe all on one side!

I don't know ov a more lamentable sight than an old rake--even repentance looks like a weakness in him.

Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a good and a cheap mistake tew make. Our very best thoughts often c.u.m tew us sudden, but seldum perfekt. They require polishing up tew make them komplete.

Do a good turn, yung man, whenever yu kan, even if yu hav tew _turn_ a grindstun to do it.

Repentance iz generally konsidered a weakness, but i kno ov nothing more indikative ov strength.

Human knowledge iz not very komprehensiv after all, for i hav seen men who could kalkulate an eklips to a dot, who couldn't harness a hoss tew save their lives.

I don't kno ov a more diffikult karacter tew fill, nor a more butiful one when filled, than the command in the Bible--"Be ye az wize az a sarpent, but harmless az a dove."

Every boddy in this world wants watching, but none more than ourselves.

Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turned the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind.

A weak const.i.tushun kan be strengthened, but a weak set ov branes kan't.

Vanity iz a strange pashun--rather than be out ov a job it will brag ov its vices.

All phools are poor listeners.

About all it takes tew make a wize man iz tew giv other people's opinyuns az mutch weight as we do our own.

Flattery iz like ice-kream--to relish good we want it a little at a time, and often.

The more yu praze a man who don't deserve it, the more yu abuze him.

Yu kan't flatter a truly wize man--he knows just how mutch praze iz due him; that he takes, and charges over all the ballance tew the proffit and loss ackount.

Once in a grate while Fortune will acktualy hunt for a man, but generally thoze who are favoured with her smiles hav tew woo them.

Thare seems tew be a degree of excentricity attending all, and yu will notiss this, that while the excentricitys ov a clown are quite often pleasant, the excentricitys ov a grate man are most always disagreeable.

I don't beleave in fatalism, only so far az phools and raskals are concerned.

It iz very diffikult for me tew tell whi the lion should be so strong and the ant so weak, when one iz nothing but a grate loafer and the other the very pattern ov industry and thrift.

How kan we ever expekt tew find a perfekt person in this world when we kan't even find one who iz haff az good az he kan be.

Nu beginners in literature are alwus bothered tew find a subjekt tew write on; as they progress they are more troubled tew find what tew write on a subjekt.

Men are seldum underrated; the merkury in a man finds its true level in the eyes ov the world just az certainly az it duz in the gla.s.s ov a thermometer.

I hav no doubt but that the human hart kontains all the pure attributes that the angels possess, but no single human hart kontains even a moity ov them.

Sosiety iz made up ov the good, bad, and indifferent; and what makes so mutch trouble iz, the _indifferents_ are in the majority.

A man who iz neither good nor bad iz like an old musket laid away, without any lock, but a heavy charge in it.

When a man haz dun a charitable thing without letting the world kno it, he haz dun all that an angel kould do in the premises.

Too mutch ov the religion in this world konsists in konfessing our sins to ourselfs and to each other.

I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a single virtew. Even Judas Iskariot "went and hanged himself."

The old saying haz it, "it iz a wize child that knows hiz own father,"

but in theze daze ov progreshun it iz a wize father that knows hiz own child.

The vanity ov most men iz so mutch more than a match for their experience that they seldum learn enny thing bi experience.

The pashuns are like the wick ov a lighted kandle--they don't die out untill they are burnt out.

Thare iz lots ov folks who are in sich a grate hurry tew git religion that they confess sins they aint gilty ov, and overlook thoze that they am.

A man with a hed phull ov branes kan afford tew be kareless once in a while, for even hiz blunders are brilliant.

Experience inkreases our wizdum, but don't reduse our phollys.

Buty iz power; but the most treacherous one i kno ov.

The man who haz got into the habit ov never making enny blunders, iz altogether too good to liv in this world.

Wimmin bi natur are all coquets, and men bi natur are all braggarts.

I will say this for man--i don't kno ov enny enterprize he haz ever undertaken yet which had for its desighn the general interest ov humanity, but what haz succeeded.

If i am charitable, if i am komplasent, if i am grateful, if i am honest, if i am virtewous--what ov it?--i hav simply dun mi duty.

I am satisfied that thare aint no sich thing az _eloquent words_.

Eloquence lays in manner, and i hav even seen an eloquent necktie.

Style iz everything for a sinner, and a leetle ov it won't hurt even a saint.

Gravity, az a general thing, iz either the wizdum ov a phool or the cunning ov a raskall.

Humility iz a good thing tew hav, provided a man iz sure he haz got the right kind. Thare never iz a time in a kat's life when she iz so humble az just before she makes up her mind tew pownce onto a chicken, or just after she haz caught and et it.

PLUM PITS.

A man with a few brains iz like a dorg with one flea on him, dredful oneazy.

I have alwus notised when an individual haint got the ability tew criticise judiciously, he dams indiskriminately.