The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 114

Take him i say, and bild onto him, az hornets bild on to a tree.

PRIVATE OPINYUNS.

Mi private opinyun iz--that politeness iz about the only profeshion ov humans that i endorse without looking into.

Mi private opinyun iz--that the man who cheats me, iz a good deal mi inferior.

Mi private opinyun of _Fame_ iz--that it konsists in being praized wrongfully while yu liv, and being damd inkorektly when yu are ded, and the very best it kan do for enny man, iz tew make him respektably forgotten.

Mi private opinyun iz--that a bad joke, iz like a bad eg, all the wuss for being cracked.

Mi private opinyun iz--that manufaktring phun for other pholks amus.e.m.e.nt, iz like hatching out egs, a sober, stiddy bizzness.

Mi private opinyun iz--that originality in writing waz played out long ago, and the very best that enny man kan do, iz tew steal with good judgement, and then own it like a man.

Mi private opinyun iz--that the most that learning kan do for us, iz tew teach us how little we kno.

Mi private opinyun ov civilashun iz--that it alwus ends in luxury, and luxury alwus ends in destruckshun. The barbarians hav alwus outlasted the Christians, i am dredful sorry for this, but i kant help it.

Mi private opinyun ov dandys iz--that they are moraly hybrid, and i guess they are other ways too.

Mi private opinyun iz--that when a man haint got enny thing tew say, then iz the best time not tew say it.

My private opinyun iz--that sum men did aktually spring from the monkey, and didn't hav fur tew spring neither.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Mi private opinyun ov _Rum_ iz--that the man who sells it to hiz fello man iz wuss than a hiwayman--the hiwayman demands yure munny or yure life--the rumseller demands both.

Mi private opinyun ov "_Wimmin's Rites_" iz--that natur haz fixt them jist about _rite_, and natur never underlets a kontrakt, nor baks out ov a posishun.

Mi private opinyun iz--that humorous lektures kan never be a suckcess, for two reasons--one iz, bekauze most people look upon the men who makes them laff az vastly inferior to them, and the other iz, bekauze a writer in the _Atlantik Monthly_ sez so.

My private opinyun ov sektarian religion iz--that it iz like sider drawn from a musty kask, it alwus tastes ov the kask. Thoze who at last enter Heaven may find the outer walls plakarded with kreeds, but they wont find enny on the inside.

Mi private opinyun iz--that virtew iz better than gold, but i also hav bin told that 10 dollars in gold will go farther towards bilding a church, or a hoss ralerode, than all the piety ov Moses.

Mi private opinyun ov human natur iz--that it is like a setting hen, just as krazy tew set whare thare aint no egs as whare thare iz.

Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz--that without enny experience at all, in running the machine, he dun jist as well as the man ov to-day would do, let him step into Paradise to-morrow.

Mi private opinyun ov sparking iz--that az a rekreashun, it iz delightful, but when it settles down into a stiddy bizzness, it iz like hash 3 times a day, rather mixt phood.

Mi private opinyun iz--that the man who mistakes a surly temper for superior intelligence, iz like a toothless kur, who got whipt in hiz last fite, and iz a going tew git lickt in his next one.

Mi private opinyun iz--that a young man oftner neglekts hiz genius for sawing wood than he does for writing poetry.

Mi private opinyun iz--that adversity and temtashun are the very best kind ov tests ov virtew.

Mi private opinyun ov all bores iz--that the gimblet kind iz the most sarching.

Mi private opinyun ov human happiness iz--that it iz like Joner's gourd, it often looses in a nite all that it gru in a day.

Mi private opinyun ov angels on arth, az far az I hav sarched iz--from fair to midling.

Mi private opinyun ov a braggart iz--that he iz a sheep in wolf's clothing.

Mi private opinyun ov a prude iz, that their gratest anxiety iz tew have their propriety tempted.

My private opinyun ov a coquet iz, that if they suckceed in dieing an old maid, they don't deserve all the punishment they receive.

Mi private opinyun ov woman iz, that she iz a natral brick, and she iz a phool just in proporshun that she don't kno it.

Mi private opinyun ov mothers-in-law iz, that they seldum stop short ov their mishun, but are fully equal tew the ockashun.

Mi private opinynn ov boys iz, if i hadn't been one once miself, and a tuff one at that, i should feel like sending the whole ov them, for life, to Botany Bay.

Mi private opinyun ov girls iz, the same az it waz 40 years ago, when i fust ph.e.l.l in luv with one ov them.

Mi private opinyun ov the ma.s.s ov mankind iz, that they hav got more branes in their hearts than they hav in their heds, and i ain't sorry for it neither.

Mi private opinyun iz, that politeness haz won more sudden viktorys than logick haz.

Mi private opinyun ov mola.s.sis iz, that while it iz dreadful sweet, it iz dreadful sticky too.

Mi private opinyun ov dogs iz, that their aff.e.c.kshun ought almost tew make them immortal.

Mi private opinyun ov cats iz, that Judas Iskarriot ought tew hav owned the fust one, and the last one too.

My private opinyun ov a mule iz, that he never waz known tew hit enny thing he kouldn't reach, but iz alwus reddy tew try it.

Mi private opinyun ov miself iz that while i keep both eyes on mi nabor I hope they wont fail tew keep one eye on me.

My private opinyun iz that here iz a good place tew halt, and i am a big phool if i don't halt.

A SUGGESTSHUN.

The morning paper iz just az necessary for an Amerikan az dew iz to the gra.s.s.

Hot kakes and kaughphy, kodphish bawls, and hash are useful, but the morning paper iz vittles and drink.

An Amerikan who haz not red the morning nuze iz not more than haff edukated for that day; he goes tew hiz bizzness haff-doubtful and haff-ashamed ov himself; he iz afrade tew look hiz nabor in the face, and ackts az ignorant az a man in a strange land who don't understand the language.

Every man he meets thru the day tells him sumthing nu, and when he goze home at nite he iz az silent and misterious tew the wife ov hiz buzzum az tho he had lost sumthing.