The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 113

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Remove far from me, O gentle Fortune! all pride and vain ostentashun, but grant that mi name amung wimmin may ever be spoken in acksents of gladness.

Make my heart tew glisten with charity, but teach mi taylor and shumaker how tew wait for their munny and be happy.

Let mi heart feast on the truth, but smile thou upon mi kork leg and periwig n.o.bby.

Remove far from me all gluttony, but preserve mi appetight for toast with a quail on it in all its original buty.

Teach me tew shun all decepshun, but help me tew marry a big pile at last, making sum maiden or yung widdo happy.

Take away from my heart all envy, but grant, kind Fortune, that mi hat kant be beat, nor the lavender tint ov mi gloves be exceeded.

Fill me with courage true and reddy, but if enny man offers tew smote me, giv tew mi feet the fleetness ov venson and mi legs the speed ov the roebuck.

Remove all affektashun far from me, but enable me tew keep up appearances, if i hav tew cheat a little tew do it.

Abuv all things with modesty shower me. Yea! make me all dripping wet, but don't let me looze a good chance mi nu koat tew spread before the eyes ov men filled with envy.

Make me at all times ov the poor heathen thoughtful, at church not forgetting the platter tew annoint with a 10 cent plaster.

Remove from me all gra hares, and pimples, all bunyons, and korns pestiverous, and grant that mi calfs may still fatten on saw durst, and mi cheeks feed upon plumpers, and mi harte ever buble and bile over with mersy.

Teach me mi kane tew whirl so pekuliar, and my mustash tew twist into such long draun out sweetness that all the people shall kall me "_Yung Purity_."

Smile thou! upon all hatters and barbers, all shirt-makers and gloviers, all perfumers and dentists, all wash-wimmin and shu blaks, and forgiv them the dets i may owe them, and kauze me tew weep over man and hiz menny misfortins.

Bless all maids ov estate, all widdo's with munny, all mothers ov fashion with dauters tew marry, all good matches laying around loose, but chiefly giv me a conshience full ov aroma.

Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days ov mi unkle, but should he slip away sudden, bow me down with sorrow bek.u.ming.

Listen! dear Fortune, listen!--giv me the style ov heart breaking Adonis, let the virtews all seek mi acquaintanse, and feed with nu fires exquisit the soltaire that burns on mi buzzum.

I will raize thee an alter, kind Fortune, an alter az hi az a lamp post, if theze mi prayers are answered--farewell for the present--don't go back on Beau Bennett, the butiful!!

A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.

Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and i suppose thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing for the last time tew.

It is hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what natur haz ramified yu for.

Now Skriptur will tell yu, that men don't gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye.

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Kauze and aff.e.c.k iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's d.i.c.ktionary.

Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning, yu will c.u.m tew the konklusion whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth.

Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee noshuns at auction, both ov them respektuous, if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis.

The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin.

Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly.

Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with dreams.

Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil.

If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate friends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy elekshun, and then sell yure principles tew git even; if yu kant go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, "What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!" i sa, if yu kant go all this without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an honest living bi cheatin on the square.

Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wiggling ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from c.u.ming the gove nor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.

FEMALE REMARKS.

Dear Girls, are yu in sarch ov a husband?

This is a pumper, and y u are not required tew say "Yes" out loud, but are expekted tew throw yure eyes down onto the earth, az tho yu waz looking for a pin, and reply tew the interrogatory, with a kind ov draud-in sigh, az tho yu waz eating an oyster, juice and all, off from the half sh.e.l.l.

Not tew press so tender a theme untill it bek.u.ms a thorn in the flesh, we will presume (tew avoid argument) that yu are on the look-out for sumthing in the male line tew boost yu in the up-hill ov life, and tew keep hiz eye on the britching when yu begin tew go down the other side of the mountain. Let me give yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot yure fewter hussband:

1. The man who iz jellous ov every little attenshun which yu git from sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu are married tu him, luvs himself more than he duz yu, and what yu mistook for solissitude, yu will diskover, has changed into indifference. Jellousy isn't a heart-diseaze; it is a liver-komplaint.

2. A mustash is not indispensible; it iz only a little more hair, and iz a good deal like moss and other excressences--often duz the best on sile that won't raize ennything else. Don't forgit that thoze things which yu admire in a ph.e.l.low before marriage, yu will probably hav tew admire in a hussband after, and a mustash will git tew be very weak diet after a long time.

3. If hussbands could be took on trial, az irish-cooks are, two-thirds ov them would probably be returned; but thare don't seem tew be enny law for this. Tharefore, girls, yu will see that after yu git a man, yu hav got tew keep him, even if yu loose on him. Consequently, if yu hav got enny kold vitles in the house, try him on them, once in a while, during courting season, and if he swallers them well, and sez he will take sum more, he is a man who, when blue Monday c.u.ms will wash well.

4. Don't marry a ph.e.l.ler who iz alwus a-telling how hiz mother duz things. It iz az hard tew suit these men as it iz tew wean a yung one.

5. If a yung man kan beat yu playing on a pianner, and kant hear a fish-horn playing in the street without turning a back summersett on account ov the musick that iz in him, i say, skip him; he might answer tew tend babe, but if yu sett him tew hoeing out the garden, yu will find that yu hav got tew do it yureself. A man whoze whole heft lies in musick (and not very hefty at that), ain't no better for a husband than a seedlitz powder; but if he luvs tew listen while yu sing sum gentle ballad, yu will find him mellow, and not soft. But don't marry enny boddy for jist one virtew enny quicker than yu would flop a man for jist one fault.

6. It iz one of the most tuffest things for a female tew be an old maid successfully. A great menny haz tried it, and made a bad job ov it.

Evryboddy seems tew look upon old maids jist az they do upon dried harbs--in the garret, handy for sickness--and, tharefore, girls, it aint a mistake that yu should be willing tew swop yurself oph, with some true ph.e.l.low, for a hussband. The swop iz a good one; but don't swop for enny man who iz respektabel jist bekause his father iz. You had better be an old maid for 4 thousand years, and then join the Shakers, than tew buy repentance at this price. No woman ever made this trade who didn't git either a phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a hussband.

7. In digging down into his subject, i find the digging grows harder the further i git. It iz mutch easier tew inform yu who not tew marry, than who tew, for the reason thare iz more ov them.

I don't think yu will foller mi advise, if i giv it; and, tharefore, i will keep it; for i look upon advise as i do upon castor ile--a mean dose tew giv, and a mean dose tew take.

But i must say one thing, girls, or spile. If you kan find a bright-eyed, healthy, and well-ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty az sa.s.sy az a child looks upon wealth--who had rather sit down on the curb-stun, in front ov the 5th avenue hotel, and eat a ham sandwitch, than tew go inside, and run in debt for hiz dinner and toothpick--one who iz armed with that kind ov pluck, that mistakes a defeat for a victory, mi advise is tew take him boddy and soul--snare him at onst, for he iz a stray trout, or a breed very skase in our waters.