The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 115

There iz lots ov pholks who git all their larning out ov the morning papers, and when they hav 2 collums ov it laid in they are az phatt with usephull knowledge az the sekretary ov a sowing sosiety.

They go round az glib az a boy's windmill in a good breeze; they ain't afraid to b.u.t.ton-hole ennybody and talk incessintly tew the boy on the korner while he shines up hiz shuze.

The man who hain't red the morning paper, and the man who haz, are about alike uneazy tew encounter. The one who haint, iz az kross az a dog who haint got enny bone, and the other ph.e.l.low iz az stiff in the back az the dog who haz got two.

I luv miself tew read the morning paper, and i also luv tew go onst in a while away over on the other side ov the mountain, whare thare aint enny morning paper, and set down, and feel ignorant all day. It iz like turning an old hoss out tew gra.s.s, and gitting the oats all out ov him.

This ceaseless hankering after nuze iz a good way tew forgit life, but iz not the best way tew enjoy it. It iz often only a mania, and it iz quite az often the kase that what a man learns in this way to day, he phinds out tomorrow aint so.

But an Amerikan kant git along without hiz morning paper. Red hot nuze iz just as necessary tew him tew begin the day with az sider brandy fresh from the still iz to an old toper.

ON COURTING.

Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul.

The man who has never courted haz lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring ca.n.a.ls.

Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow.

I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs.

Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu git the flaver.

Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch.

If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square if yu don't sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it.

Don't court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.

Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court her as yu wud court a farm--for the strength ov the sile and the parf.e.c.kshun ov the t.i.tle; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a good wife and she don't git a good hustband, the falt won't be in the courting.

Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent.

LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS.

Ebenezer Smith haz sold out hiz tannrey at Pordunk hollow, and bout a house on 5th avenew.

The lovely Bridget McGuire (nee chambermaid) will be brought to the alter, sum time this seazon, by the brilliant Dennis O'Tool.

Proffessor Norris haz just returned from the north pole, and reports the size ov the pole to be one foot in diameter at the base, and 94 feet hi.

He also brought back with him a pair ov web footed duks.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

The Miss Simphonys, ov Providence, are on a visit tew the Miss Sinbads, ov Lexington avenew--lovely creatures all ov them.

Mocking birds' tongues on toast will be on the bills ov fare, this summer, at the Kontinental Hotel, Long Branch.

The Rev. Namby Pamby asked for a 4 thousand dollar hoist in his salary, or dismissal. The congregashun voted unanimus to let him went. (Bully for the kongregashun.)

Mrs. Ulrich Nikodemus haz changed the hour ov her resepshuns from haff past 2 o'klok P. M., on Wensdays, to a quarter of 3 on the same day, a change ov 15 minnits. Exchange papers will pleaze coppy.

Obadiah Bunk.u.m sold hiz hameltonian pup Jerry, last week, tew Richards, the jews harp solo, for 50 thousand dollars, reserving the collar. This iz spoken ov az so mutch ov a dekline in prices az tew shake the pup market tew its center.

It it sed (but not offishall) that Mr. and Mrs. Punchinello will not visit the White Mountains this summer. Their dauter, Betsy Punchinello, iz sed tew be affianced tew the Baron Von Chaulk, and the family will enter seklushun on this account.

d.i.c.k Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew pa.s.s a counterfit omnibus on a 50 cent driver ov the 23 street line ov stages.

Paul Burdok advertizes for a lost poodle ov the Sanco Panza breed, and offers 40 dollars "for hiz uncerimonious return." ("Uncerimonious return" iz kussid good.)

Rum and tanzy, a popular gargle a hundred years ago, is being revived among the hi toned cirkles. One man in Nu Jersey haz drove all the musketoze oph from a thousand akers ov land, and planted the whole ov the land with rum and tanzy, in antisipashun ov the sharp rally in bitters that may be looked for.

Jaw Bone Bill a selebrated brave ov the Nink.u.mp.o.o.p tribe ov injuns, on the June Bug river, Californy, waz lately bit apart bi a grizzly bear.

Jaw Bone died pretty soon after the occashun, but the bear lived in grate agony for 4 daze, when deth put an end tew hiz sufferings.

Miss Rosa Peachblow, ov Madison avenew sez she iz not affianced tew a prominent Wall street broker, and will giv 5 dollars or thareabouts tew find out who started the fancy sketch. (City papers pleaz copy.)

G. W. Carleton, the publisher, will soon issue a book for Josh Billings, ent.i.tled "Eggs ov Comfort Laid by the Hen Consolashun." (This iz a kussid no sich thing.--J. B.)

The cirkulashun ov the NEW YORK WEEKLY haz allready reached three hundred thousand, and still iz singing that same old tune, "_Excelsior_."

The lovely McFizzles (twins) ov "_sn.o.b place_," will hav a klam bake, sum time this seazon, at their sea side place, "_Goose Nook_," to whitch the Van Doodles are invited. (Doubtful.)

Mr. William Pierpont, ov Goshen, Orange County, haz a sucking colt, ov the Hambletonian breed, which lately followed the mare one mile around the trak, in 2 minnits and 23 seckonds, on a trot. This is sed tew be 8 seckonds the best mile made yet by enny sucker.

Report sez that the staunch widdow, Angeline Beeach nee Brown, nee Jones, nee Beckwith, nee Smith, nee McPherson, nee Miss Angeline Spraker--5 times a widder, will soon lead tew the alter Walter Roundout, Esq., (Good bye, Walter.)

On dit, that d.i.c.k Manchester haz quit the cork minstrel bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.

On _ditto_, that the peanut krop ov North Karolina iz a failure, and that starvashun must foller.

On dittimus, that George Washington Vinegar will spend sum time this year at the 5th avenew hotel.

New Jersey wants tew be admitted into the Union.

It iz stated that it kosts 13 hundred dollars tew civilize one injun, and then the injun aint worth but 250 dollars. Loss on each injun tew the government, in money, about 1 thousand dollars; _but_, the moral results are sed tew be heavy. (Let the good work go on.)

Mrs. William Hoboken haz had her clarence nuly painted. The nu color iz chestnut sorrel--the old color waz dapple grey.

We are authorized tew state that Mr. Alanthus haz just returned from the state ov Injunanny in full bloom, having resided thare one year, ackording tew law, and iz now reddy tew receive proposals.