The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 111

PRET. That's all very well, but I can't throw myself into a part that has already lasted a twelvemonth, when I have to make love to my father. It interferes with my conception of the characters. It spoils the part.

SILL. Well, well. I'll see what can be done. [Exit Pretteia, L.U.E.) That's always the way with beginners, they've no imaginative power. A true artist ought to be superior to such considerations. [Nicemis comes down R.] Well, Nicemis, I should say, Diana, what's wrong with you? Don't you like your part?

NICE. Oh, immensely. It's great fun.

SILL. Don't you find it lonely out by yourself all night?

NICE. Oh, but I'm not alone all night.

SILL. But, I don't want to ask any injudicious questions, but who accompanies you?

NICE. Who? Why Sparkeion, of course.

SILL. Sparkeion? Well, but Sparkeion is Phoebus Apollo [enter Sparkeion] He's the sun, you know.

NICE. Of course he is. I should catch my death of cold, in the night air, if he didn't accompany me.

SPAR. My dear Sillimon, it would never do for a young lady to be out alone all night. It wouldn't be respectable.

SILL. There's a good deal of truth in that. But still--the sun-- at night--I don't like the idea. The original Diana always went out alone.

NICE. I hope the original Diana is no rule for me. After all, what does it matter?

SILL. To be sure--what does it matter?

SPAR. The sun at night, or in the daytime.

SILL. So that he shines. That's all that's necessary. [Exit Nicemis, R.U.E.] But poor Daphne, what will she say to this.

SPAR. Oh, Daphne can console herself; young ladies soon get over this sort of thing. Did you never hear of the young lady who was engaged to Cousin Robin?

SILL. Never.

SPAR. Then I'll sing it to you.

Little maid of Arcadee Sat on Cousin Robin's knee, Thought in form and face and limb, n.o.body could rival him.

He was brave and she was fair, Truth they made a pretty paid.

Happy little maiden she-- Happy maid of Arcadee.

Moments fled as moments will Happily enough, until After, say, a month or two, Robin did as Robins do.

Weary of his lover's play, Jilted her and went away, Wretched little maiden, she-- Wretched maid of Arcadee.

To her little home she crept, There she sat her down and wept, Maiden wept as maidens will-- Grew so thin and pale--until Cousin Richard came to woo.

Then again the roses grew.

Happy little maiden she-- Happy maid of Arcadee. [Exit Sparkeion]

SILL. Well Mercury, my boy, you've had a year's experience of us here. How do we do it? I think we're rather an improvement on the original G.o.ds--don't you?

MER. Well, you see, there's a good deal to be said on both sides of the question; you are certainly younger than the original G.o.ds, and, therefore, more active. On the other hand, they are certainly older than you, and have, therefore, more experience.

On the whole I prefer you, because your mistakes amuse me.

Olympus is now in a terrible muddle, The deputy deities all are at fault They splutter and splash like a pig in a puddle And d.i.c.kens a one of 'em's earning his salt.

For Thespis as Jove is a terrible blunder, Too nervous and timid--too easy and weak-- Whenever he's called on to lighten or thunder, The thought of it keeps him awake for a week.

Then mighty Mars hasn't the pluck of a parrot.

When left in the dark he will quiver and quail; And Vulcan has arms that would snap like a carrot, Before he could drive in a tenpenny nail.

Then Venus's freckles are very repelling, And Venus should not have a quint in her eyes; The learned Minerva is weak in her spelling, And scatters her h's all over the skies.

Then Pluto in kindhearted tenderness erring, Can't make up his mind to let anyone die-- The Times has a paragraph ever recurring, "Remarkable incidence of longevity."

On some it has some as a serious onus, to others it's quite an advantage--in short, While ev're life office declares a big bonus, The poor undertakers are all in the court.

Then Cupid, the rascal, forgetting his trade is To make men and women impartially smart, Will only shoot at pretty young ladies, And never takes aim at a bachelor's heart.

The results of this freak--or whatever you term it-- Should cover the wicked young scamp with disgrace, While ev'ry young man is as shy as a hermit, Young ladies are popping all over the place.

This wouldn't much matter--for bashful and shymen, When skillfully handled are certain to fall, But, alas, that determined young bachelor Hymen Refuses to wed anybody at all.

He swears that Love's flame is the vilest of arsons, And looks upon marriage as quite a mistake; Now what in the world's to become of the parsons, And what of the artist who sugars the cake?

In short, you will see from the facts that I'm showing, The state of the case is exceedingly sad; If Thespis's people go on as they're going, Olympus will certainly go to the bad.

From Jupiter downward there isn't a dab in it, All of 'em quibble and shuffle and shirk, A premier in Downing Street forming a cabinet, Couldn't find people less fit for their work.

[enter Thespis L.U.E.]

THES. Sillimon, you can retire.

SILL. Sir, I--

THES. Don't pretend you can't when I say you can. I've seen you do it--go. [exit Sillimon bowing extravagantly. Thespis imitates him]Well, Mercury, I've been in power one year today.

MER. One year today. How do you like ruling the world?

THES. Like it. Why it's as straightforward as possible. Why there hasn't been a hitch of any kind since we came up here. Lor'

the airs you G.o.ds and G.o.ddesses give yourselves are perfectly sickening. Why it's mere child's play.

MER. Very simple isn't it?

THES. Simple? Why I could do it on my head.

MER. Ah--I darsay you will do it on your head very soon.

THES. What do you mean by that, Mercury?

MER. I mean that when you've turned the world quite topsy-turvy you won't know whether you're standing on your head or your heels.

THES. Well, but Mercury, it's all right at present.

MER. Oh yes--as far as we know.

THES. Well, but, you know, we know as much as anybody knows; you know I believe the world's still going on.