The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 10

(March. Enter procession of Retainers, heralding approach of Duke, d.u.c.h.ess, and Casilda. All three are now dressed with the utmost magnificence.)

CHORUS OF MEN, with DUKE and d.u.c.h.eSS.

With ducal pomp and ducal pride (Announce these comers, O ye kettle-drummers!) Comes Barataria's high-born bride.

(Ye sounding cymbals clang!) She comes to claim the Royal hand-- (Proclaim their Graces, O ye double ba.s.ses!) Of the King who rules this goodly land.

(Ye brazen bra.s.ses bang!)

DUKE and This polite attention touches DUCH. Heart of Duke and heart of d.u.c.h.ess Who resign their pet With profound regret.

She of beauty was a model When a tiny tiddle-toddle, And at twenty-one She's excelled by none!

CHORUS. With ducal pomp and ducal pride, etc.

DUKE (to his attendants). Be good enough to inform His Majesty that His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, has arrived, and begs-- CAS. Desires-- DUCH. Demands-- DUKE. And demands an audience. (Exeunt attendants.) And now, my child, prepare to receive the husband to whom you were united under such interesting and romantic circ.u.mstances.

CAS. But which is it? There are two of them!

DUKE. It is true that at present His Majesty is a double gentleman; but as soon as the circ.u.mstances of his marriage are ascertained, he will, ipso facto, boil down to a single gentleman--thus presenting a unique example of an individual who becomes a single man and a married man by the same operation.

DUCH. (severely). I have known instances in which the characteristics of both conditions existed concurrently in the same individual.

DUKE. Ah, he couldn't have been a Plaza-Toro.

DUCH. Oh! couldn't he, though!

CAS. Well, whatever happens, I shall, of course, be a dutiful wife, but I can never love my husband.

DUKE. I don't know. It's extraordinary what unprepossessing people one can love if one gives one's mind to it.

DUCH. I loved your father.

DUKE. My love--that remark is a little hard, I think?

Rather cruel, perhaps? Somewhat uncalled-for, I venture to believe?

DUCH. It was very difficult, my dear; but I said to myself, "That man is a Duke, and I will love him." Several of my relations bet me I couldn't, but I did--desperately!

SONG--d.u.c.h.eSS.

On the day when I was wedded To your admirable sire, I acknowledge that I dreaded An explosion of his ire.

I was overcome with panic-- For his temper was volcanic, And I didn't dare revolt, For I feared a thunderbolt!

I was always very wary, For his fury was ecstatic-- His refined vocabulary Most unpleasantly emphatic.

To the thunder Of this Tartar I knocked under Like a martyr; When intently He was fuming, I was gently Una.s.suming-- When reviling Me completely, I was smiling Very sweetly: Giving him the very best, and getting back the very worst-- That is how I tried to tame your great progenitor--at first!

But I found that a reliance On my threatening appearance, And a resolute defiance Of marital interference, And a gentle intimation Of my firm determination To see what I could do To be wife and husband too Was the only thing required For to make his temper supple, And you couldn't have desired A more reciprocating couple.

Ever willing To be wooing, We were billing-- We were cooing; When I merely From him parted, We were nearly Broken-hearted-- When in sequel Reunited, We were equal- Ly delighted.

So with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast, I tamed your insignificant progenitor--at last!

CAS. My only hope is that when my husband sees what a shady family he has married into he will repudiate the contract altogether.

DUKE. Shady? A n.o.bleman shady, who is blazing in the l.u.s.tre of unaccustomed pocket-money? A n.o.bleman shady, who can look back upon ninety-five quarterings? It is not every n.o.bleman who is ninety-five quarters in arrear--I mean, who can look back upon ninety-five of them! And this, just as I have been floated at a premium! Oh fie!

DUCH. Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over and over again.

DUKE. My dear, Her Majesty's father was in the habit of being applied for over and over again--and very urgently applied for, too--long before he was registered under the Limited Liability Act.

RECITATIVE--DUKE.

To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment, Affords a man of n.o.ble rank congenial employment; Of our attempts we offer you examples ill.u.s.trative: The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative.

DUET--DUKE and d.u.c.h.eSS.

DUKE. Small t.i.tles and orders For Mayors and Recorders I get--and they're highly delighted--

DUCH. They're highly delighted!

DUKE. M.P.'s baronetted, Sham Colonels gazetted, And second-rate Aldermen knighted--

DUCH. Yes, Aldermen knighted.

DUKE. Foundation-stone laying I find very paying: It adds a large sum to my makings--

DUCH. Large sums to his makings.

DUKE. At charity dinners The best of speech-spinners, I get ten per cent on the takings--

DUCH. One-tenth of the takings.

DUCH. I present any lady Whose conduct is shady Or smacking of doubtful propriety--

DUKE. Doubtful propriety.

DUCH. When Virtue would quash her, I take and whitewash her, And launch her in first-rate society--

DUKE. First-rate society!

DUCH. I recommend acres Of clumsy dressmakers-- Their fit and their finishing touches--

DUKE. Their finishing touches.

DUCH. A sum in addition They pay for permission To say that they make for the d.u.c.h.ess--

DUKE. They make for the d.u.c.h.ess!

DUKE. Those pressing prevailers, The ready-made tailors, Quote me as their great double-barrel--

DUCH. Their great double-barrel--

DUKE. I allow them to do so, Though Robinson Crusoe Would jib at their wearing apparel--

DUCH. Such wearing apparel!

DUKE. I sit, by selection, Upon the direction Of several Companies bubble--

DUCH. All Companies bubble!

DUKE. As soon as they're floated I'm freely bank-noted-- I'm pretty well paid for my trouble--

DUCH. He's paid for his trouble!

DUCH. At middle-cla.s.s party I play at ecarte-- And I'm by no means a beginner--

DUKE (significantly). She's not a beginner.