The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 9

DON AL. Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats, And Bishops in their shovel hats Were plentiful as tabby cats-- In point of fact, too many.

Amba.s.sadors cropped up like hay, Prime Ministers and such as they Grew like asparagus in May, And Dukes were three a penny.

On every side Field-Marshals gleamed, Small beer were Lords-Lieutenant deemed, With Admirals the ocean teemed All round his wide dominions.

MAR. and GIU. With Admirals all round his wide dominions.

DON AL. And Party Leaders you might meet In twos and threes in every street Maintaining, with no little heat, Their various opinions.

MAR. and GIU. Now that's a sight you couldn't beat-- Two Party Leaders in each street Maintaining, with no little heat, Their various opinions.

DON AL. That King, although no one denies His heart was of abnormal size, Yet he'd have acted otherwise If he had been acuter.

The end is easily foretold, When every blessed thing you hold Is made of silver, or of gold, You long for simple pewter.

When you have nothing else to wear But cloth of gold and satins rare, For cloth of gold you cease to care-- Up goes the price of shoddy.

MAR. and GIU. Of shoddy, up goes the price of shoddy.

DON AL. In short, whoever you may be, To this conclusion you'll agree, When every one is somebodee, Then no one's anybody!

MAR. and GIU. Now that's as plain as plain can be, To this conclusion we agree--

ALL. When every one is somebodee, Then no one's anybody!

(Gianetta and Tessa enter un.o.bserved. The two girls, impelled by curiosity, remain listening at the back of the stage.)

DON AL. And now I have some important news to communicate.

His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the d.u.c.h.ess, and their beautiful daughter Casilda--I say their beautiful daughter Casilda-- GIU. We heard you.

DON AL. Have arrived at Barataria, and may be here at any moment.

MAR. The Duke and d.u.c.h.ess are nothing to us.

DON AL. But the daughter--the beautiful daughter! Aha!

Oh, you're a lucky dog, one of you!

GIU. I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentleman.

DON AL. Not a bit--I'll explain. Many years ago when you (whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were married to a little girl who has grown up to be the most beautiful young lady in Spain. That beautiful young lady will be here to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and I congratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart.

MAR. Married when a baby!

GIU. But we were married three months ago!

DON AL. One of you--only one. The other (whichever it is) is an unintentional bigamist.

GIA. and TESS. (coming forward). Well, upon my word!

DON AL. Eh? Who are these young people?

TESS. Who are we? Why, their wives, of course. We've just arrived.

DON AL. Their wives! Oh dear, this is very unfortunate!

Oh dear, this complicates matters! Dear, dear, what will Her Majesty say?

GIA. And do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs was already married?

TESS. And that neither of us will be a Queen?

DON AL. That is the idea I intended to convey. (Tessa and Gianetta begin to cry.) GIU. (to Tessa). Tessa, my dear, dear child-- TESS. Get away! perhaps it's you!

MAR. (to Gia.). My poor, poor little woman!

GIA. Don't! Who knows whose husband you are?

TESS. And pray, why didn't you tell us all about it before they left Venice?

DON AL. Because, if I had, no earthly temptation would have induced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fascinating and utterly irresistible little ladies!

TESS. There's something in that.

DON AL. I may mention that you will not be kept long in suspense, as the old lady who nursed the Royal child is at present in the torture chamber, waiting for me to interview her.

GIU. Poor old girl. Hadn't you better go and put her out of her suspense?

DON AL. Oh no--there's no hurry--she's all right. She has all the ill.u.s.trated papers. However, I'll go and interrogate her, and, in the meantime, may I suggest the absolute propriety of your regarding yourselves as single young ladies. Good evening!

(Exit Don Alhambra.) GIA. Well, here's a pleasant state of things!

MAR. Delightful. One of us is married to two young ladies, and n.o.body knows which; and the other is married to one young lady whom n.o.body can identify!

GIA. And one of us is married to one of you, and the other is married to n.o.body.

TESS. But which of you is married to which of us, and what's to become of the other? (About to cry.) GIU. It's quite simple. Observe. Two husbands have managed to acquire three wives. Three wives--two husbands.

(Reckoning up.) That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife.

TESS. O Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic! My good sir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction!

GIU. You've no right to call me a vulgar fraction.

MAR. We are getting rather mixed. The situation is entangled. Let's try and comb it out.

QUARTET--MARCO, GIUSEPPE, GIANETTA, TESSA.

In a contemplative fashion, And a tranquil frame of mind, Free from every kind of pa.s.sion, Some solution let us find.

Let us grasp the situation, Solve the complicated plot-- Quiet, calm deliberation Disentangles every knot.

TESS.I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded-- THE OTHERS. In a contemplative That's, of course, a slice of luck fashion, etc.

He is rather dunder-headed.

Still distinctly, he's a duck.

GIA. I, a victim, too, of Cupid, THE OTHERS. Let us grasp the Marco married - that is clear. situation, etc.

He's particularly stupid, Still distinctly, he's a dear.

MAR. To Gianetta I was mated; THE OTHERS. In a contemplative I can prove it in a trice: fashion, etc.

Though her charms are overrated, Still I own she's rather nice.

GIU. I to Tessa, w.i.l.l.y-nilly, THE OTHERS. Let us grasp the All at once a victim fell. situation, etc.

She is what is called a silly, Still she answers pretty well.

MAR. Now when we were pretty babies Some one married us, that's clear--

GIA. And if I can catch her I'll pinch her and scratch her And send her away with a flea in her ear.

GIU. He whom that young lady married, To receive her can't refuse.

TESS. If I overtake her I'll warrant I'll make her To shake in her aristocratical shoes!

GIA. (to Tess.). If she married your Giuseppe You and he will have to part--

TESS. (to Gia.). If I have to do it I'll warrant she'll rue it-- I'll teach her to marry the man of my heart!

TESS. (to Gia.). If she married Messer Marco You're a spinster, that is plain--

GIA. (to Tess.). No matter--no matter.

If I can get at her I doubt if her mother will know her again!

ALL. Quiet, calm deliberation Disentangles every knot!

(Exeunt, pondering.)