The Art of Politicks Part 4

When Factious Leaders boast increasing strength, Go not too far, nor follow ev'ry Length: Leave room for Change, turn with a grace about, And swear you left 'em, when you found 'em out,

[16] With Art and Modesty your Part maintain: And talk like _Col'nel t.i.tus_, not like _Lane_; The Trading-Knight with Rants his Speech begins, Sun, Moon, and Stars, and Dragons, Saints, and Kings: But _t.i.tus_ said, with his uncommon Sense, When the _Exclusion-Bill_ was in suspense, I hear a Lyon in the Lobby roar; Say, Mr. Speaker, shall we shut the door And keep him there, or shall we let him in To try if we can turn him out again?

[17] Some mighty Bl.u.s.terers _Impeach_ with noise, And call their Private Cry, the Nation's Voice;

[18] From Folio's of Accounts they take their handles, And the whole Ballance proves a pound of Candles; As if _Paul_'s Cupola were brought to bed, After hard Labour, of a small Pin's Head.

[19] Some _Rufus_, some the _Conqueror_ bring in, And some from _Julius Caesar_'s days begin.

A cunning Speaker can command his chaps, And when the _House_ is not in humour, stops; In Falsehood Probability imploys, Nor his old Lies with newer Lies destroys.

[20] If when you speak, you'd hear a Needle fall, And make the frequent _hear-hims_ rend the wall, In matters suited to your Taste engage, Remembring still your Quality and Age.

Thy task be this, young Knight, and hear my Song What Politicks to ev'ry Age belong.

[21] When _Babes_ can speak, _Babes_ should be taught to say, _King George the Second_'s Health, Huzza, Huzza!

_Boys_ should learn _Latin_ for _Prince William_'s sake, And Girls _Louisa_ their Example make.

[22] More loves the _Youth_, just come to his Estate, To range the fields, than in the _House_ debate; More he delights in fav'rite Jowler's Tongue, Than in _Will Shippen_, or _Sir William Yong_: If in one Chase he can two Horses kill, He cares not twopence for the Land-Tax Bill: Loud in his Wine, in Women not o'er nice, He d.a.m.ns his Uncles if they give advice; Votes as his Father did, when there's a _Call_, But had much rather, never Vote at all.

[23] We take a diff'rent Turn at _Twenty-six_, And lofty thoughts on some Lord's Daughter fix; With Men in Pow'r strict Friendship we persue, With some considerable Post in view.

A Man of _Forty_ fears to change his Note, One way to Speak, and t'other way to Vote; Careful his Tongue in Pa.s.sion to command, Avoids the Bar, and Speaker's Reprimand.

[24] In Bags the _Old Man_ lets his Treasure rust, Afraid to use it, or the Funds to trust; When Stocks are low, he wants the heart to buy, And through much caution sees 'em rise too high; Thinks nothing rightly done since _Seventy-eight_, Swears present _Members_ do not talk, but prate: In _Charles the Second_'s days, says he, ye Prigs, _Torys_ were _Torys_ then, and _Whigs_ were _Whigs_.

Alas! this is a lamentable Truth, We lose in age, as we advance in youth: I laugh, when twenty will like eighty talk, And old _Sir John_ with _Polly Peachum_ walk.

[25] Now as to _Double_, or to _False Returns_, When pockets suffer, and when anger burns, O Thing surpa.s.sing faith! Knight strives with Knight, When both have brib'd, and neither's in the right.

The Bayliff's self is sent for in that case, And all the Witnesses had face to face.

Selected _Members_ soon the fraud unfold, In full Committee of the _House_ 'tis told; Th' incredible Corruption is destroy'd, The Chairman's angry, and th' Election void.

[26] Those who would captivate the well-bred throng, Should not too often speak, nor speak too long: Church, nor Church Matters ever turn to Sport, Nor make _St. Stephen's Chappel_, _Dover-Court_.

[27] The _Speaker_, when the Commons are a.s.sembl'd, May to the _Graecian Chorus_ be resembl'd; 'Tis his the Young and Modest to espouse, And see none draw, or challenge in the _House_: 'Tis his Old Hospitality to use, And three good Printers for the _House_ to chuse; To let each Representative be heard, And take due care the _Chaplain_ be preferr'd, To hear no _Motion_ made that's out of joint, And where he spies his _Member_, make his point.

[28] To Knights new chosen in old time would come The _County Trumpet_, and perhaps a _Drum_; Now when a Burgess new Elect appears, Come Trainbands, Horseguards, Footguards, Grenadeers; When the majority the Town-clerk tells, His Honour pays the Fiddles, Waits, and Bells: Harangues the _Mob_, and is as wise and great, As the most Mystic Oracle of State.

[29] When the Duke's Grandson for the County stood, His Beef was fat, and his October good; His Lordship took each Ploughman by the fist, Drunk to their Sons, their Wives and Daughters kiss'd; But when strong Beer their Freeborn Hearts inflames, They sell him Bargains, and they call him Names.

Thus is it deem'd in _English_ n.o.bles wise To stoop for no one reason but to rise.

[30] Election matters shun with cautious awe, O all ye Judges Learned in the Law; A Judge by Bribes as much himself degrades, As Dutchess Dowager by Masquerades.

[31] Try not with Jests obscene to force a Smile, Nor lard your Speech with Mother _Needham_'s Stile: Let not your tongue to =oldphieldismus= run, And =Kibberismus= with abhorrence shun; Let not your looks affected words disgrace, Nor join with silver Tongue a brazen Face; Let not your hands, like Tallboys, be employ'd, And the mad rant of Tragedy avoid.

Just in your Thoughts, in your Expression clear, Neither too modest, nor too bold appear.

[32] Others in vain a like Success will boast, He speaks most easy, who has study'd most.

[33] A Peer's pert Heir has to the Commons spoke A vile Reflection, or a Bawdy Joke; Call'd to the House of Lords, of this beware, 'Tis what the _Bishops Bench_ will never bear.

Amongst the _Commons_ is such freedom shown, They lash each other, and attack the Throne: Yet so unskilful or so fearful some, For nine that speak there's nine-and-forty dumb.

[34] When _James_ the _first_, at great _Britannia_'s helm, Rul'd this word-clipping and word-coining Realm, No words to Royal favour made pretence, But what agreed in sound and clash'd in sense.

Thrice happy he! how great that Speaker's praise, Whose ev'ry Period look'd an hundred ways.

What then? we now with just abhorrence shun The trifling Quibble, and the School-boys Pun; Tho' no great Connoisseur, I make a shift Just to find out a _Durfey_ from a _Swift_; I can discern with half an eye, I hope, _Mist_ from _Jo Addison_, from _Eusden Pope_: I know a Farce from one of _Congreve_'s Plays, And _Cibber_'s Opera from _Johnny Gay_'s.

[35] When pert _Defoe_ his sawcy Papers writ, He from a Cart was Pillor'd for his Wit: By Mob was pelted half a Morning's s.p.a.ce, And rotten Eggs besmear'd his yellow face; The _Censor_ then improv'd the list'ning Isle, And held both Parties in an artful Smile.

A Scribbling Crew now pinching Winter brings,) That spare no earthly nor no heav'nly things,) Nor Church, nor State, nor Treasurers, nor Kings.) But Blasphemy displeases all the Town;) And for defying Scripture, Law, and Crown,) _Woolston_ should pay his Fine, and lose his Gown,)

[36] It must be own'd the _Journals_ try all ways To merit their respective Party's praise: They jar in every Article from _Spain_; A War these threaten, those a Peace maintain: Tho' Lye they will, to give 'em all their due, In Foreign matters, and Domestick too.

Whoe'er thou art that would'st a _Postman_ write, Enquire all day, and hearken all the night.

Sure, _Gazetteers_ and Writers of _Courants_ Might soon exceed th' Intelligence of _France_: To be out-done old _England_ should refuse, As in her Arms, so in her Publick News; But Truth is scarce, the Scene of Action large, And Correspondence an excessive Charge.

[37] There are who say, no Man can be a Wit Unless for _Newgate_ or for _Bedlam_ fit; Let Pamphleteers abusive Satyr write, To shew a Genius is to shew a Spite: That Author's Works will ne'er be reckon'd good Who has not been where _Curl_ the Printer stood.

[38] Ala.s.s Poor Me, you may my fortune guess: I write, and yet Humanity profess; (Tho' nothing can delight a modern Judge, Without ill-nature and a private Grudge) I love the King, the Queen, and Royal Race: I like the Government, but want no Place: Too low in Life to be a _Justice_ I, And for a Constable, thank G.o.d, too high; Was never in a Plot, my Brain's not hurt; I Politicks to Poetry convert.

[39] A Politician must (as I have read) Be furnish'd, in the first place, with a _Head_: A _Head_ well fill'd with _Machiavelian_ Brains, And stuff'd with Precedents of former Reigns: Must Journals read, and _Magna Charta_ quote; But acts still wiser, if he speaks by _Note_: Learns well his Lesson, and ne'er fears mistakes: For Ready Money Ready Speakers makes; He must Instructions and Credentials draw, Pay well the Army, and protect the Law: Give to his Country what's his Country's due, But first help _Brothers_, _Sons_, and _Cousins_ too.

He must read _Grotius_ upon War and Peace, And the twelve Judges Salary encrease.

He must oblige old Friends and new Allies, And find out _Ways and Means_ for fresh _Supplies_.

He must the Weavers Grievances redress, And Merchants wants in Merchants words express.

[40] Dramatick Poets that expect the Bays, Should cull our Histories for Party Plays; _Wickfort's Emba.s.sador_ should fill their head, And the _State-Tryals_ carefully be read: For what is _Dryden_'s Muse and _Otway_'s Plots To th' _Earl of Ess.e.x_ or the _Queen of Scots_?

[41] 'Tis said that _Queen Elizabeth_ could speak, At twelve years old, right _Attick_ full-mouth'd _Greek_; Hence was the Student forc'd at _Greek_ to drudge, If he would be a Bishop, or a Judge.

Divines and Lawyers now don't think they thrive, 'Till promis'd places of men still alive: How old is such an one in such a Post?

The answer is, he's seventy-five almost: Th' Arch-Bishop, and the Master of the Rolls?

Neither is young, and one's as old as _Paul_'s.

Will Men, that ask such Questions, publish books Like learned _Hooker_'s or _Chief Justice Cook_'s?

[42] On Tender Subjects with discretion touch, And never say too little, or too much.

On Trivial Matters Flourishes are wrong, Motions for Candles never should be long: Or if you move, in case of sudden Rain, To shut the Windows, speak distinct and plain.

Unless you talk good _English_ downright Sense, Can you be understood by Serjeant _Spence_?

[43] New Stories always should with Truth agree Or Truth's half-Sister, Probability: Scarce could _Toft_'s Rabbits and pretended throws On half the Honourable _House_ impose.

[44] When _Cato_ speaks, young _Shallow_ runs away, And swears it is so dull he cannot stay: When Rakes begin on Blasphemy to border, _Bromley_ and _Hanmer_ cry aloud---- _To Order_.

The point is this, with manly Sense and ease T' inform the Judgment, and the Fancy please.

Praise it deserves, nor difficult the thing, At once to serve one's Countrey and one's King.

Such Speeches bring the wealthy _Tonson_'s gain,) From Age to Age they minuted remain,) As Precedents for George the twentieth's Reign.)

[45] Is there a Man on earth so perfect found, Who ne'er mistook a word in Sense or Sound?

Not Blund'ring, but persisting is the fault; No mortal Sin is _Lapsus Linguae_ thought: Clerks may mistake; consid'ring who 'tis from, I pardon little Slips in _Cler. Dom. Com._ But let me tell you I'll not take his part, If ev'ry _Thursday_ he date _Die Mart_.

Of Sputt'ring mortals 'tis the fatal curse, By mending Blunders still to make 'em worse.

Men sneer when---- gets a lucky Thought, And stare if _Wyndham_ should be nodding caught.

But sleeping's what the wisest men may do, Should the Committee chance to sit 'till Two.

[46] Not unlike Paintings, Principles appear, Some best at distance, some when we are near.

The love of Politicks so vulgar's grown, My Landlord's Party from his Sign is known: Mark of _French_ wine, see _Ormond_'s Head appear, While _Marlb'rough_'s Face directs to Beer and Beer: Some _Buchanan_'s, the _Pope_'s Head some like best, The _Devil Tavern_ is a standing jest.

[47] Whoe'er you are that have a Seat secure, Duly return'd, and from _Pet.i.tion_ sure, Stick to your Friends in whatsoe'er you say; With strong aversion shun the Middle way: The Middle way the best we sometimes call, But 'tis in Politicks no way at all.

A _Trimmer_'s what both Parties turn to sport, By Country hated, and despis'd at Court.

Who would in earnest to a Party come, Must give his Vote, not whimsical, but plumb.

There is no Medium: for the term in vogue On either side is, Honest Man, or Rogue.