How to Write Clearly Part 12

(_a_) "news." (_b_) In a letter these words should remain is they are; but if a _period_ is desired, they must (30) come last, after "unpleasant." (_c_) Write "because of your ill-health ...

and the troubles ... and because of...."

95. "The general at once sent back word that the enemy had suddenly appeared on the other side of the river, and [(35) or (37)] then (_a_) retreated. (_b_) _It_ was thought that (_b_) _it_ would have shown more (_c_) (1) _fort.i.tude_ on his (3) _part_ if he had attacked the fortifications, (_d_) _which_ were not tenable for more than a week at all events. Such was the (54) _universal_ opinion, _at_ (23) _least, of_ (54) _all_ the soldiers."

(_a_) Point out the ambiguity. (_b_) "It was thought he would have shown &c." (_c_) Distinguish between "fort.i.tude" and "bravery." (_d_) What would be the meaning if "that" were subst.i.tuted for "which"? It will be perhaps better to subst.i.tute for "which," "since they."

96. "A notion has sprung up that the Premier, though he can legislate, cannot govern, and has attained an influence which renders it imperative, if this Ministry is to go on, that (_a_) _it_ should be dispersed."

(_a_) Who or what "has attained"? Write "and this notion has become so powerful that, unless it is dispersed...."

97. "Those who are _habitually silent_ (_a_) (3) _by disposition_ and morose are less liable to the fault of exaggerating than those who are _habitually_ (_a_) (3) _fond of talking_, and (40 _a_) _of_ (_a_) (3) _a pleasant disposition_."

(a) Each of these periphrases must be condensed into a single adjective.

98. "This author, (_a_) (31) though he is not (_b_) _altogether_ (_c_) _guiltless of_ (_b_) _occasional_ (_c_) _faults_ of exaggeration, which are to be found as plentifully in his latest works as in _those which he_ (_d_) _published when he was beginning his career as an author_, yet, _notwithstanding these_ (_e_) _defects_, surpa.s.sed all _those who were living_ _at the_ (_f_) _same time with him_ in the _clear_ (_g_) _manner in_ which he could, as it were, see into the feelings of the people at large, and in the power--_a power that indeed could not be_ (_f_) _resisted_--with which he _drew_ (_f_) _toward himself_ the sympathy of _those who_ (_f_) _perused his works_." See (54).

(_a_) Convert the parenthesis into a separate sentence. (_b_) One of these words is unnecessary. (_c_) One of these is unnecessary.

(_d_) Condense: "his earliest." (_e_) Omit these words as unnecessary. (_f_) Express all this in one word. (_g_) "clearness with."

99. "_Among the North_ (_a_) (23) _American Indians_ I had indeed heard of the perpetration of similar atrocities; but it seemed intolerable that such things should occur in a civilized land: and I rushed from the room at once, leaving the wretch where he stood, with his tale half told, (30) _horror-stricken at his crime_."

(_a_) Make it evident whether the speaker once _lived_ among the North American Indians, or not, and show who is "horror-stricken."

100. "His (1) _bravery_ under this painful operation and the (1) _fort.i.tude_ he had shown in heading the last charge in the recent action, (30) _though he was_ wounded at the time and had been unable to use his right arm, and was the only officer left in his regiment, out of twenty who were alive the day before, (19) inspired every one with admiration."

Begin, "Out of twenty officers &c.... Though wounded &c.... he had headed." "The bravery he had then shown and...."

101. "_Moral_ as well as (41) _other_ considerations must have weight when we are selecting an officer (_a_) _that_ (10 _b_) _will be placed in_ a position that will task his intelligence (_b_) (18) _and his fidelity_."

(_a_) The repet.i.tion of "that" is objectionable. Use "to fill."

(_b_) "and" can be replaced by some other conjunction to suit what precedes.

102. "It happened that at this time there were a few Radicals in the House _who_ (8) could not forgive the Prime Minister for being a Christian."

Point out the difference of meaning, according as we read "who"

or "that."

103. "_It cannot be doubted_ (15 _b_) _that_ the minds of a vast number of men would be left poor shrunken things, full of melancholy and indisposition, and unpleasing to themselves, if (32) there were taken out of men's minds vain opinions, false valuations, imaginations as one (_a_) would, and _the_ (15 _a_) _like_."

(_a_) The meaning (which cannot easily be more tersely expressed than in the original) is "castles in the air," "pleasant fancies."

104. "G.o.d never wrought a miracle to refute atheism, because His ordinary works refute it. (_a_) A little philosophy inclines man's mind to atheism: depth in philosophy brings men's minds back to religion. (44) While the mind of man looks upon second causes scattered, it may sometimes rest in them; (44) when it beholds the chain of them confederate and linked together, it must needs acknowledge a Providence. (44) That school which is most accused of atheism most clearly demonstrates the truth of religion."

(_a_) Insert a suspensive conjunction. See (34).

105. "The spirit of Liberty and the spirit of Nationality were once for all dead; (_a_) (5) _it_ might be for a time a pious duty, but it could not continue always _expedient or_ (_c_) (15) (18) _profitable to_ (_b_) (13) _mourn_ (_c_) (15 _a_) _for their loss_. Yet this is the (_b_) (13) _feeling_ of the age of Trajan."

(_a_) Omit. (_b_) "To sit weeping by their grave;" "att.i.tude."

(_c_) Notice that "expedient or profitable" are emphatic, as is shown by "yet" in the next sentence. Make it evident therefore, by their position, that these words are more emphatic than "to mourn &c."

106. "(_a_) _If we ask_ (15 _b_) what was the nature of the force by which this change was effected, (_a_) _we find it to have been_ (_b_) the force that had seemed almost dead for many generations--(38) of theology."

(_a_) Omit these words. (_b_) Begin a new sentence: "It was a force &c."

107. "I remember Longinus highly recommends a description of a storm by Homer, because (_a_) (5) (_c_) _he_ has not amused himself with little fancies upon the occasion, as authors of an inferior genius, whom he mentions, (_b_) (15 _a_) have done, (30) _but_ (_c_) _because_ he has gathered together those (_d_) (1) _events_ which are the most apt to terrify the imagination, and (35) really happen in the raging of a tempest."

(_a_) "The poet." (_b_) Omit "have done" and write "like some authors." (_c_) Suspend the sentence by writing "the poet ...

instead of ... has." (_d_) What is the word for "that which happens _around_ one, or in connection with some central object?"

108. "To have pa.s.sed (_a_) (3) _in a self-satisfied manner_ through twenty years of office, letting things take their own course; to have (_b_) _sailed_ with consummate sagacity, never against the tide of popular (_c_) _judgement_; to have left on record as the sole t.i.tle to distinction among English ministers a peculiar art of (_d_) _sporting with_ the heavy, the awful responsibility of a nation's destiny with the jaunty grace of a juggler (11) (_e_) _playing with_ his golden ball; to have joked and intrigued, and bribed and (_f_) _deceived_, with the result of having done nothing (_g_), (_h_) _either_ for the poor, (_h_) _or_ for religion (for (_i_) which indeed he did worse than nothing), (_h_) _or_ for art and science, (_h_) _or_ for the honour or concord or even the financial prosperity of the nation, (38) is surely a miserable basis on which the reputation of a great (15) statesman _can be_ (_k_) (15 _a_) _founded_."

(_a_) "complacently." (_b_) "Sail" implies will and effort: use a word peculiar to a helpless ship, so as to contrast paradoxically with "sagacity." (_c_) Use a word implying less thought and deliberation. (_d_) _With_ is too often repeated; write "bearing"

so as to introduce the ill.u.s.tration abruptly. (_e_) "tossing."

(_f_) Use a word implying a particular kind of "deceit," not "lying," but the next thing to "lying." (_g_) Insert the word with a preceding and intensifying adverb, "absolutely nothing."

(_h_) Instead of "either," "or," repeat "nothing." (_i_) The parenthesis breaks the rhythm. Write "nothing, or worse than nothing." (_k_) "to found."

109. "A glance at the clock will make you (1) _conscious_ that it is nearly three in the morning, and I therefore ask you, gentlemen, instead of wasting more time, to put this question to yourselves, 'Are we, or are we not, here, for the purpose of (1) _eliminating_ the truth?'"

110. "The speech of the Right Honourable member, so far from _unravelling_ (14) _the obscurities of this knotty question_, is eminently calculated to mislead his supporters (_a_) (8 _a_) _who_ have not made a special study of it. It may be (_b_) (23) _almost_ a.s.serted of every statement (8) _which_ he has made that the very (1) _converse_ is the fact."

(_a_) The meaning appears to be, not "_all_ his supporters," but "_those of_ his supporters who:" the convenience of writing "his supporters _that_" is so great that I should be disposed to use "that." (_b_) "Every," not "a.s.serted," requires the juxtaposition of "almost."

111. "The provisions of the treaty _which_ (8) require the consent of the Parliament of Canada await its a.s.sembling."

Point out the meaning conveyed by _which_, and by _that_.

112. "Mrs. Smith demonstrated (26), in opposition to the general dictum of the press, that (_a_) _there had been_ a reaction against woman's suffrage, that there had really been a gain of one vote in the House of Commons."

(_a_) Subst.i.tute "instead of," and erase the second "that."

113. "The practice of smoking hangs like a gigantic (14 _a_) cloud of evil over the country."

FOOTNOTES:

[18] That which treats of the thirteenth century.

CONTINUOUS EXERCISES.

CLEARNESS.

The following exercises consist of extracts from Burnet, Butler, and Clarendon, modernized and altered with a view to remove obscurity and ambiguity. The modernized version will necessarily be inferior to the original in unity of style, and in some other respects. The charm of the author's individuality, and the pleasant ring of the old-fashioned English, are lost. It is highly necessary that the student should recognize this, and should bear in mind that the sole object is to show how the meaning in each case might have been more _clearly_ expressed.

Occasionally expressions have been altered, not as being in themselves obscure or objectionable, but as indicating a habit of which beginners should beware. For example, in the extract from Burnet, _he_ is often altered, not because, in the particular context, the p.r.o.noun presents any obscurity, but because Burnet's habit of repeating _he_ is faulty.