How to Write Clearly Part 13

These exercises can be used in two ways. The pupil may either have his book open and be questioned on the reasons for each alteration, or, after studying the two versions, he may have the original version dictated to him, and then he may reproduce the parallel version, or something like it, on paper.

LORD CLARENDON.

The princ.i.p.al faults in this style are, long heterogeneous sentences (43), use of phrases for words (47 _a_), ambiguous use of p.r.o.nouns (5), excessive separation of words grammatically connected together (19).

ORIGINAL VERSION. PARALLEL VERSION.

(44) It will not be impertinent And now, in order to explain, as nor _unnatural to this_ (50) far as possible, how so prodigious _present discourse_, to set down an alteration could take place in in this place the present temper so short a time, and how the[19]

and const.i.tution of both Houses royal power could fall so low as of Parliament, and (34) of the to be unable to support itself, court itself, (30) that (5) _it_ its dignity, or its faithful may be the less wondered at, that servants, it will be of use to set so prodigious an alteration should down here, where it comes most be made in so short a time, and naturally, some account of the[20]

(37) the crown fallen so low, that present temper and composition, it could neither support itself not only of both Houses of nor its own majesty, nor _those Parliament, but also of the court who would_ (47 _a_) _appear itself.

faithful to it_.

(Here follows a description of the House of Lords.)

In the House of Commons were many In the House of Commons persons of wisdom and gravity, who there were many men of wisdom (7) _being possessed_ of great and and judgment whose high plentiful fortunes, though they position and great wealth disposed were undevoted enough to the them, in spite of their indifference court, (19) had all imaginable to the court, to feel duty for the king, and affection a most loyal respect for the to the government _established_(47 king, and a great affection for _a_) _by law_ or ancient custom; the ancient const.i.tutional (43) and without doubt, the _major government of the country. Indeed, part of that_ (54) _body_ it cannot be doubted that consisted of men who had no mind the majority had no intention to to break the peace of the kingdom, break the peace of the kingdom or to make any considerable or to make any considerable alteration in the government of alteration in Church or State.

Church or State: (43) and Consequently, from the very therefore (18) _all_ inventions outset, it was necessary to resort were set on _foot from the_ (15) to every conceivable device _beginning_ to work upon (5) for the purpose of perverting _them_, and (11) corrupt (5) this honest majority into rebellion.

_them_, (43) (45) by suggestions "of the dangers (8) _which_ With some, the appeal was threatened all that was precious addressed to their patriotism.

to the subject (19) in their They were warned "of the liberty and their property, by dangers that threatened [all _overthrowing_ (47 _a_) _or that was precious in] the liberty overmastering_ the law, _and_ (47 and property of the subject, _a_) _subjecting_ it to _an if the laws were to be made arbitrary_ (47_a_) _power_, and by subservient to despotism, and countenancing Popery to the if Popery was to be encouraged subversion of the Protestant to the subversion of the Protestant religion," and then, by religion."

infusing terrible apprehensions into some, and so working upon The fears of others were appealed their fears, (6 _b_) "of (11 _a_) to. "There was danger," so[21] it being called in question for was said, "that they might be somewhat they had done," by which called to account for something (5) _they_ would stand in need of they had done, and they would then (5) _their_ protection; and (43) stand in need of the help of those (45) raising the hopes of others, who were now giving them this "that, by _concurring_ (47 _a_) timely warning." In others, hopes _with_ (5) _them_ (5) _they_ were excited, and offices, should be sure to obtain offices honours, and preferments were held and honours and any kind of out as the reward of adhesion.

preferment." Though there were too Too many were led away by one or many corrupted and misled by these other of these temptations, and several temptations, and (19) indeed some needed no other others (40 _a_) who needed no temptation than their innate other temptations than from the fierceness and barbarity and the fierceness and barbarity _of malice they had contracted against their_ (47 _a_) _own natures_, and the Church and the court. But the the malice they had contracted leaders of the conspiracy were not against the Church and against the many. The flock was large and court; (43) yet the number was not submissive, but the shepherds were great _of those in whom the very few.

government of the rest_ (47 _a_) _was vested_, nor were there many who had the absolute authority (13) to lead, though there were a mult.i.tude (13) that was disposed to follow.

(44) (30) Mr. Pym was looked upon Of these, Mr. Pym was thought as the man of greatest experience superior to all the rest in in parliaments, _where he had_ parliamentary experience. To this (50) _served very long_, and _was advantage he added habits of always_ (50) _a man of business_, business acquired from his (7) being an officer in the continuous service in the Exchequer, (43) and of a good Exchequer. He had also a good reputation generally, (30) though reputation generally; for, though known to be inclined to the known to be inclined to the Puritan party; yet not of those Puritan party, yet he was not so furious resolutions against the fanatically set against the Church Church as the other leading men as the other leaders. In this were, and (44) wholly devoted to respect he resembled the Earl of the Earl of Bedford, who had Bedford, to whom he was nothing of that spirit. thoroughly devoted.

(Here follow descriptions of Hampden and Saint John.)

It was generally believed that These three persons, with the these three persons, with the three peers mentioned before, were other three lords mentioned united in the closest confidence, before, were of the most intimate and formed the mainspring of the and entire trust with each other, party. Such at least was the and made _the engine which_ (47 general belief. But it was clear _a_) _moved_ all the rest; (30) that they also admitted to their yet it was visible, that (15) unreserved confidence two others, _Nathaniel Fiennes, the second son (45) whom I will now of the Lord Say, and Sir Harry describe,--Nathaniel Fiennes, Vane, eldest son to the Secretary, second son of Lord Say, and Sir and Treasurer of the House_, were Harry Vane, eldest son of the received by them with full Secretary, and Treasurer of the confidence and without reserve. House.

The former, being a man of good Nathaniel Fiennes, a man of good parts of learning, and after some parts, was educated at New years spent in New College in College, Oxford, where[22] his Oxford, (43) of which his father family claimed and enjoyed some had been formerly fellow, (43) privileges in virtue of their that family pretending[23] and kindred to the founder, and enjoying many privileges there, as where[22] his father had formerly of kin to the founder, (43) (19) been a fellow. He afterwards spent had spent his time abroad in some time in Geneva and in the Geneva and amongst the cantons of cantons of Switzerland, where[22]

Switzerland, (30) where he he increased that natural improved his disinclination to the antipathy to the Church which he Church, with which milk he had had imbibed almost with his been nursed. From his travels he mother's milk.[24] By a singular returned through Scotland (52) coincidence, he came home through (which[24] few travellers took in Scotland (not a very common route their way home) at the time when for returning travellers) just (5) _that_ rebellion was in bud: when the Scotch rebellion was in (30) (43) (44) and was very little bud. For some time he was scarcely known, except amongst (5) _that_ known beyond the narrow and people, _which conversed_ (47 _a_) exclusive circle of his sect, _wholly amongst themselves,_ until until at last he appeared in he was now (15) _found in Parliament. Then, indeed, it was Parliament_, (30) (43) (44) when quickly discovered that he was it was quickly discovered that, likely to fulfil even the fond as he was the darling of his hopes of his father and the high father, so (5) _he_ was like to promise of many years.

make good whatsoever _he_ had for many years promised.

(5) _The other_, Sir H. Vane, was Fiennes' coadjutor, Sir H. Vane, a man of great natural parts[25] was a man of great natural (45) and of very profound ability.[25] Quick in understanding dissimulation, of a quick and impenetrable in dissembling, conception, and of very ready, he could also speak with sharp, and weighty expression. He promptness, point, and weight. His had an (50) unusual aspect, which, singular appearance, though it though it might naturally proceed might naturally proceed from his from his father and mother, parents, who were not noted for neither of which were beautiful their beauty, yet impressed men persons, yet (19) made men think with the belief that he had in him there was somewhat in him of something extraordinary, an extraordinary: and (52) his whole impression that was confirmed by life made good that imagination. the whole of his life. His Within a very short time after he behaviour at Oxford, where he returned from his studies in studied at Magdalen College, was Magdalen College in Oxford, where, not characterized, in spite of the (43) though he was under the care supervision of a very worthy of a very worthy tutor, he lived tutor, by a severe morality. Soon not with great exactness, (43) he after leaving Oxford he spent some spent some little time in France, little time in France, and more in and more in Geneva, and, (43) Geneva. After returning to after his return into England, England, he conceived an intense (38) contracted a full prejudice hatred not only against the and bitterness against the Church, government of the Church, which both against the form of the was disliked by many, but also government and the Liturgy, (43) against the Liturgy, which was which was generally in great held in great and general reverence, (15 _a_) _even with reverence.

many of those who were not friends_ to (5) _the other_. In Incurring or seeming to incur, by his giddiness, which then much his giddiness, the displeasure of displeased, or seemed to his father, who at that time, displease, (30) (43) his father, beside strictly conforming to the who still appeared highly Church himself, was very bitter conformable, and exceedingly sharp against Nonconformists, the young against those who were not, Vane left his home for New (5) _he_ transported himself into England.

New England, (43) a colony within few years before planted by a This colony had been planted a few mixture of all religions,[26] which years before by men of all sorts of disposed the professors to dislike religions, and their the government of the Church; who differences[26] disposed them to (30) (43) (44) were qualified by dislike the government of the the king's charter to choose their Church. Now, it happened that their own government and governors, privilege (accorded by the king's under the obligation, "that every charter) of choosing their own man should take the oaths of government and governors was allegiance and supremacy;" (30) subject to this obligation, "that (43) (5) _which_ all the first every man should take the oaths of planters did, when they received allegiance and supremacy." These their charter, before they oaths had been taken, not only by transported themselves from hence, all the original planters, on nor was there in many years after receiving their charter, before the least scruple amongst them of leaving England, but also for many complying with those obligations: years afterwards, without exciting so far men were, _in the infancy_ the slightest scruple. Indeed, (15) _of their schism_, from scruples against lawful oaths were refusing to take lawful oaths. unknown[27] in the infancy of the (45) He was no sooner landed English schism. But with the there, but his parts made him arrival of Vane all this was quickly taken notice of, (26) and changed. No sooner had he landed very probably his quality, being than his ability, and perhaps to the eldest son of a some extent his position, as eldest Privy-councillor, might give him son of a Privy-councillor, some advantage; _insomuch_ (51) recommended him to notice: and at _that_, when the next season came the next election he was chosen for the election of their Governor.

magistrates, he was chosen their governor: (30) (45) (43) in which In his new post, his restless and place he had so ill fortune (26) unquiet imagination found (his working and unquiet fancy opportunity for creating and raising and infusing a thousand diffusing a thousand conscientious scruples of conscience, which (5) scruples that had not been brought _they_ had not brought over with over, or ever even heard of, by the them, nor heard of before) (19) colonists. His government proved a that he unsatisfied with failure: and, mutually them and they with him, dissatisfied, (45) governed and he retransported himself governor parted. Vane returned into England; (30) (43) (44) to England, but not till he had having sowed such seed of accomplished his mischievous task, dissension there, as grew up too not till he had sown the seeds of prosperously, and miserably those miserable dissensions which divided the poor colony into afterwards grew only too several factions, and divisions prosperously, till they split the and persecutions of each (15 _a_) wretched colony into distinct, _other_, (30) (43) which still hostile, and mutually persecuting continue _to the great_ (54) factions. His handiwork still _prejudice of that plantation_: remains, and it is owing to (15) insomuch as some of (5) _them_, _him_ that some of the colonists, upon the ground of their first on the pretext of liberty of expedition, liberty of conscience, conscience, the original cause of have withdrawn themselves from (5) their emigration, have withdrawn _their_ jurisdiction, and obtained themselves from the old colonial other charters from the king, by jurisdiction and have obtained which, (30) (43) in other forms of fresh charters from the king.

government, they have enlarged These men have established new their plantations, within new forms of government, unduly limits adjacent to (5) (15 _a_) enlarged their boundaries, and set _the other_.their plantations, up rival settlements on the within new limits adjacent to (5) borders of the original colony.

(15 _a_) _the other_.

FOOTNOTES:

[19] The original metaphor uses the crown as a prop, which seems a confusion. Though the metaphor is so common as scarcely to be regarded as a metaphor, it is better to avoid the appearance of confusion.

[20] We sometimes say, briefly but not perhaps idiomatically, "the _then_ sovereign," "the _then_ temper," &c.

[21] The personality of the tempters and organizers of the conspiracy is purposely kept in the background.

[22] The relative is retained in the first two cases, because it conveys the _reason why_ Fiennes was educated at New College; and in the third case, because the increased "antipathy" is regarded as the natural _consequence_ of the residence in Calvinistic Geneva.

[23] Claiming.

[24] An insinuation of sedition seems intended.

[25] This sentence is a preliminary summary of what follows.

[26] If "which" is used here according to Rule (8), the meaning is, (_a_) "and their differences;" if it is used for "that," the meaning will be, (_b_) "all religions that were of a nature to dispose &c." I believe (_a_) is the meaning; but I have found difference of opinion on the question.

[27] The following words appear to be emphatic, bringing out the difference between the _infancy_ and the development of schism.

BURNET.

The princ.i.p.al faults in Burnet's style are (_a_) the use of heterogeneous sentences (see 43); (_b_) the want of suspense (see 30); (_c_) the ambiguous use of p.r.o.nouns (see 5); (_d_) the omission of connecting adverbs and conjunctions, and an excessive use of _and_ (see 44); and (_e_) an abruptness in pa.s.sing from one topic to another (see 45). The correction of these faults necessarily lengthens the altered version.

ORIGINAL VERSION. PARALLEL VERSION.

And his maintaining the honour of He also gratified the English the nation in all foreign feeling of self-respect by countries gratified the (1) maintaining the honour of the _vanity which is very natural_ nation in all foreign countries.

(50) _to Englishmen_; (30) (43) of So jealous was he on this point which he was _so_ (15) (17 _a_) that, though he was not a crowned _careful_ that, though he was not head, he yet secured for his a crowned head, yet his (40 _a_) amba.s.sadors all the respect that amba.s.sadors had all the respects had been paid to the amba.s.sadors paid them which our (15) _kings'_ of our kings. The king, he said, amba.s.sadors ever had: he said (6 received respect simply as the _b_) the dignity of the crown nation's representative head, was upon the account of the and, since the nation was the nation, _of which the king was_ same, the same respect should (50) _only the representative be paid to the[28] nation's head_; so, the nation being the ministers.

same, he would have the same regards paid to (41) his ministers.

Another[29] instance of (5) _this_ The following instance of jealousy pleased _him_ much. Blake with the for the national honour pleased fleet _happened_ (50) _to be_ at him much. When Blake was at Malaga Malaga before he made war upon with his fleet, before his war Spain: (44) _and_ some of his with Spain, it happened that some seamen went ash.o.r.e, _and_ met the of his sailors going ash.o.r.e and Host carried about; (44) _and_ not meeting the procession of the only paid no respect to it, but Host, not only paid no respect to laughed at those who did; (43) it, but even laughed at those who (30) (51) so one of the priests did. Incited by one of the priests put the people upon resenting this to resent the indignity, the indignity; _and_ they fell upon people fell on the scoffers and (5) _them and_ beat them severely. beat them severely. On their When they returned to their ship return to the ship the seamen (5) _they_ complained of (5) complained of this ill-usage, _this_ usage; and upon that Blake whereupon Blake sent a messenger sent a trumpet to the viceroy to to the viceroy to demand the demand the priest who was the priest who was the instigator of chief (1) _instrument_ in that the outrage. The viceroy answered ill-usage. The viceroy answered that he could not touch him, as he _he_ had no authority over the had no authority over the priests.

(15) _priests_, and so could not To this Blake replied, that he did dispose of him. Blake upon that not intend to inquire to whom the sent him word that _he_ would not authority belonged, but, if the inquire who had the (1) power to priest were not sent within three send the priest to him, but if hours, he would burn the town. The _he_ were not sent within three townspeople being in no condition hours, _he_ would burn their town; to resist, the priest was at once (43) and (5) _they_, being in no sent. On his arrival, he defended condition to resist _him_, sent himself, alleging the insolence of the priest to _him_, (43) (44) who the sailors. But the English (50) justified himself upon the Admiral replied that a complaint petulant behaviour of the seamen. should have been forwarded to him, and then he would have punished (44) Blake answered that, if (5) them severely, for none of his _he_ had sent a complaint to (5) sailors should be allowed to _him of_(5) _it_, (5) _he_ would affront the established religion have punished them severely, since of any place where they touched.

(5) _he_ would not suffer _his_ "But," he added, "I take it ill men to affront the established that you should set on your religion of any place at which (5) countrymen to do my work; for I _he_ touched; but (5) (6) _he_ will have all the world know that took it ill, that _he_ set on the an Englishman is only to be Spaniards to do (5) _it_; for _he_ punished, by an Englishman." Then, would have all the world to know satisfied with having had the (50) that an Englishman was only to be offender at his mercy, Blake punished by an Englishman; (43) entertained him civilly and sent (44) and so he treated the priest him back.

civilly, and sent him back (30), being satisfied that he had him at his mercy.

Cromwell was much delighted with Cromwell was much delighted with (5) _this_, (43) and read the Blake's conduct. Reading the letters in council with great letters in council with great satisfaction; _and_ said he (6) satisfaction, he said, "I hope I hoped he should make the name of shall make the name of an an Englishman as great as ever Englishman as much respected as that of a Roman (15 _a_) _had ever was the name of Roman."

been_. (44) The States of Holland Among other countries the States were in such dread of (5) him that of Holland were in such dread of they took care to give him no sort Cromwell that they took care to of umbrage; (43) (44) _and_ when give him no sort of umbrage.

at any time the king or his Accordingly, whenever the king or brothers came to see their sister his brothers came to see the the Princess Royal, (23) within a Princess Royal their sister, they day or two after, (5) _they_ used were always warned in a day or two to send a deputation to let _them_ by a deputation that Cromwell had know that Cromwell had required of required of the States to give the States that (5) _they_ should them no harbourage.

give _them_ no harbour.

Cromwell's favourite alliance was The free kingdom of Sweden was Sweden.[30] (44) Carolus Gustavus Cromwell's favourite ally; not and he lived in great conjunction only under Charles Gustavus, with of counsels. (44) Even Algernon whom he was on most confidential Sydney, (10 _a_) _who_ was not terms, but also under Christina.

inclined to think or speak well of Both these sovereigns had just kings, commended _him_ (5) to me; notions of public liberty; at and said _he_ (5) had just least, Algernon Sydney, a man notions of public liberty; (44) certainly not prejudiced in favour (43) _and_ added, that Queen of royalty, a.s.sured me this was Christina seemed to have _them_ true of Gustavus. He also held the likewise. But (44) she was same opinion of Queen Christina; much changed from that, when but, if so, she was much changed I waited on her at Rome; for when I waited on her at Rome; for she complained of us as a factious she then complained of the factious nation, _that did not readily and unruly spirit of our nation.

comply with the commands_ (47 _a_) _of our princes_. (44) All Italy All Italy, no less than trembled at the name of Cromwell, Holland,[31] trembled at the name and seemed under a (1) _panic_ as of Cromwell, and dreaded him till long as he lived; (43) his fleet he died. Nor durst the Turks scoured the Mediterranean; and the offend the great (50) Protector Turks durst not offend him; but whose fleet scoured the delivered up Hyde, who kept up the Mediterranean; and they even gave character of an amba.s.sador from up Hyde, who, for keeping up in the king there (23) (43), and was Turkey the character of amba.s.sador brought over and executed for (5) from the king, was brought to _it_. England and executed.

(44) (11 _a_) The _putting_ the In another instance of severity brother of the king of Portugal's towards foreigners--the execution amba.s.sador to death for murder, of the brother of the Portuguese was (11 _a_) _carrying_ justice amba.s.sador for murder--Cromwell very far; (43) since, though in carried justice very far. For, the strictness of the law of though in strictness the law of nations, it is only the nations exempts from foreign amba.s.sador's own person that is jurisdiction the amba.s.sador alone, exempted from (4) _any authority_ yet in practice the exemption has (47 _a_) _but his master's that extended to the whole of the sends him_, yet the practice has amba.s.sador's suite.

gone in favour of _all that the amba.s.sador owned_ (47 _a_) _to Successful abroad, Cromwell was no belong to him_. (41) (44) Cromwell less successful at home in showed his good (11) selecting able and worthy men for _understanding_ in nothing more public duties, especially for the than in seeking[32] out capable courts of law. In nothing did he and worthy men for all employments, show more clearly his great but most particularly for the natural insight, and nothing courts of law, (43) (30 _a_) contributed more to his popularity.

(10 _a_) which gave a general satisfaction.

FOOTNOTES:

[28] The meaning is "_his_, and therefore _the nation's_, ministers."

There is a kind of ant.i.thesis between "the nation" and "the nation's ministers."