How to Write Clearly Part 11

71. "Upon Richard's leaving the (_c_) stage, the Commonwealth was again set up; and the Parliament which Cromwell had (_a_) _broken_ was brought together; but the army and they fell into new disputes: so they were again (_a_) _broken_ by the army: and upon that the nation was like to fall into (_b_) (11) _great_ convulsions."

(_a_) Modern Eng., "broken up." (_b_) "violently convulsed."

(_c_) It is a question whether this metaphor is in good taste.

The meaning is that Richard "retired from public life." It might be a.s.serted that Richard, the Commonwealth, the Parliament are regarded as so many puppets on a "stage." But this is extremely doubtful. Make _Parliament_ the princ.i.p.al subject: "When Richard retired ... and when the Commonwealth &c.... the Parliament was ... but, falling into a dispute with &c., it was...." See (18) and (43).

72. "What a revolution in the military profession! He began with (_a_) (11) _unnecessary formality_, and (_b_) (11) _inefficient weapons_, and ended with (_c_) (_b_) (11) _greatly improved fire-arms_."

(_a_) "pig-tail and pipe-clay." (_b_) "Six-pounders and flint-locks" are now inefficient compared with "twenty-four-pounders and breech-loaders." (_c_) Something is wanted ant.i.thetical to (_a_), perhaps "loose drill" or "open order."

73. "Children fear to go in the dark. Men fear death in the same way.

The fear of children is increased by tales. So is the fear of death.

The contemplation of death, as the 'wages of sin,' and pa.s.sage to another world, is holy and religious. The fear of it, as a tribute due unto nature, is weak. In religious meditations on death there is sometimes mixture of vanity and of superst.i.tion."

Insert connecting adverbs or conjunctions. See (44).

74. "I have often heard him _reiterate_ (54) _repeatedly_ that he would never again, if a _safe_ (54) _and secure path_ was open to him, prefer the _perilous_ (54) _road of danger_, however _alluring_ (54) _and attractive_ the latter might be."

75. "I thought in my dream that when my friend asked me whether I did not observe anything curious in the conduct of the pigeons, I (_a_) (4 _a_) _remarked_ that if any one of the birds was so bold as to take an atom from a heap of grain in the midst of them, (31) (which (_b_) a detachment guarded, and which, being continually increased and never eaten, seemed useless), all the rest turned against him and pecked him to death for the (_c_) (50) _action_."

(_a_) Point out the ambiguity. (_b_) This should come earlier in the sentence, and not as a parenthesis. "I noticed a heap of grain in the midst of them, guarded by ... Being continually ..., to all appearance, useless: yet." (_c_) "theft."

76. "If this low view of the royal office becomes generally adopted, then sovereigns _who_ (8) have always. .h.i.therto commanded the respect of Englishmen will by degrees fall into disrespect."

Point out the ambiguity. Show how it might be removed (_a_) by punctuation, (_b_) by altering "who."

77. "I struck the man in self-defence. I explained this to the magistrate. He would not believe me. Witnesses were called to support my statements. He committed me to prison. He had the right to do this.

It is a right that is rarely exercised in such circ.u.mstances. I remonstrated."

See (44). Insert conjunctions or connecting adverbs.

78. "He attained a very distinguished position by mere (15) perseverance and common sense, which (52) (10 _a_) qualities are perhaps mostly underrated, (30) though he was deficient in tact and not remarkable for general ability."

79. "_Vindictiveness, which_ (_a_) (50) _is a fault_, (_b_) _and_ which may be defined as _anger_ (10 _a_) _which is caused_ not by sin nor by crime but by personal injury, ought to be carefully distinguished from _resentment, which_ (_a_) (50) _is a virtue_, (_b_) _and_ which is _anger_ (49) _which is natural and_ (_c_) _right_ caused by an act (_d_) which is unjust, because it is unjust, (30 _a_) not because it is inconvenient."

(_a_) "The fault of vindictiveness;" "the virtue of resentment."

(_b_) Omit _(c_) "Right" cannot be used as an adjective, but "righteous" can. (_d_) "an act of injustice."

80. "(_a_) He told his friend that (_a_) _his_ brother was surprised that (_a_) _he_ had given so small a contribution, for (_a_) _he_ was (_b_) (12) _a very rich man_, in spite of (_a_) _his_ recent losses and the bad state of trade, (19) (30) compared with himself."

(_a_) Use (6). (_b_) What Asian king was proverbial for wealth?

81. "(_a_) (15 _b_) It must be indeed wrong to (_a_) _crucify_ a Roman citizen if to (_b_) (32) _slay_ one is almost parricide, to (_b_) _scourge_ him is a monstrous crime, and to (_b_) _bind_ him is an outrage."

(_a_) "What must it be...?"

(_b_) See (40).

82. "The _universal_ (54) _opinion of all the_ citizens was that the citadel _had been_ (15) _betrayed_, (30) having been captured in broad daylight by a very small number of the enemy, and those unprovided with scaling ladders, and admitted by a postern gate, (15 _a_) and much wearied by a long march."

In any case "betrayed" must come at the end of a sentence. The sentence may be converted into two sentences: "The citadel had been captured.... Naturally therefore ...;" or, "The opinion ...

for it had been captured...." Else, if one sentence be used, write "As the citadel had been captured &c."

83. "This author surpa.s.sed all _those who were living_ (_a_) _at the same time with him_ in the _forcible_ (_b_) _manner in_ which he could _address_ (_c_) _an_ appeal to the popular sympathy, and in the ease with which he could _draw towards_ (_a_) _himself_ the hearts of his readers."

(_a_) Express in one word. (_b_) "force with." (_c_) Omit.

84. "This great statesman was indeed a pillar of commerce, and a star in the financial world. He guided or impelled the people from the quicksands of Protection and false political economy to the safe harbour of Free Trade; and (_a_) (14 _a_) saved the country several millions."

(_a_) It would be well to literalize the preceding metaphors.

Else the literal statement must be changed into a metaphor.

85. "The ministers were most unwilling to meet the Houses, (_a_) (43) (51) _because_ even the boldest of them (though their counsels were _lawless_ (15) _and desperate_) had too much value for his (_b_) (11) _personal safety_ to think of resorting to the (_c_) (12) unlawful modes of extortion that had been familiar to the preceding age."

(_a_) Begin a new sentence with "Lawless and desperate though their counsels had been &c." (_b_) "neck." (_c_) Insert some of these unlawful modes, "benevolences, ship-money, and the other &c."

86. "_We will not_ (_a_) (15) _pretend to guess what_ our grandchildren may think of the character of Lord Byron, as exhibited _in_ (15 _a_) _his poetry_." No writer ever had the whole eloquence of scorn, misanthropy, _and_ (_a_) (15) _despair_ (15 _a_) _so completely at his command_. That _fountain_ (_b_) (12) _of bitterness_ was never dry."

(_a_) "We will not pretend to guess" and "despair" are intended by the author to be emphatic. (_b_) "Marah."

87. "The captain asked to be allowed fifty men, a supply of food, and one hundred and fifty breech-loaders. (44) The general replied coldly that he could not let his subordinate have (_a_) (4) _anything_ that he wanted. (44) The captain was forced to set out (34) with an insufficient force, spite of the superabundance of soldiers doing nothing in the camp (34), and with every obstacle put in his way by a general who from the first had resolved not even to give him ordinary a.s.sistance, (_b_) (10 _a'_) _which_ the captain had for some time antic.i.p.ated."

(_a_) Point out and remove the ambiguity. (_b_) Write, according to the meaning, " ... a.s.sistance that" or " ... a resolution that."

88. "I am a practical man, and disbelieve in everything (8) _which_ is not practical; theories (_a_) _which_ amuse philosophers and pedants have no attractions for me, (30) _for this reason_."

(_a_) What difference in the meaning would be caused by the use of "that" for the second "which"?

89. "Yet, when that discovery drew no other severity but the (11 _a_) _turning_ (_a_) _him out of office_, and _the_ (11 _a_) _pa.s.sing a sentence_ (_b_) _condemning him to die for it_ (31) (which was presently pardoned, and he was after a short confinement restored to his liberty), all men _believed_ that the king knew of the letter, (_c_) (43) and that (6 _b_) the pretended confession of the secretary was only collusion to lay the jealousies of the king's (_d_) (11 _a_) _favouring_ popery, (_e_) (43) which still hung upon him, (30) notwithstanding his (_e_) _writing_ on the Revelation, and his (_e_) _affecting_ to enter on all occasions into controversy, (_e_) a.s.serting in particular that the Pope was Antichrist."

(_a_) "expulsion from." (_b_) "a pretended sentence to death--a pretence that was soon manifested by his pardon and liberation."

(_c_) Begin a new sentence: "'The secretary's pretended confession,' it was said, 'was &c.'" (_d_) "the suspicion that the king favoured Popery." (_e_) The juxtaposition of the two verbal nouns, "writing" and "affecting," with the participle "a.s.serting," is harsh. Write, "For, notwithstanding that he affected controversy, and attacked the Pope as Antichrist in his treatise on the Book of Revelation, the king was still suspected."

90. "The opinion that the sun is fixed was once too (_a_) (1) _universal_ to be easily shaken, and a similar prejudice has often (_b_) _rendered_ the progress of new inventions (15 _a_) _very slow_, (19) arising from the numbers of the believers, and not (36) the reasonableness of the belief."

(_a_) Write "general." Show the absurdity of appending "too" to "universal." (_b_) What single word can be subst.i.tuted for "rendered slow"?

91. "The rest of the generals were willing to surrender unconditionally, (30) _depressed by this unforeseen calamity_; (4) _only_ the young colonel, who retained his presence of mind, represented to them that they were increasing the difficulties of a position in itself very difficult (19) (15, _a_) _by their conduct_."

92. "To (_a_) (31) _an author who_ is, in his expression of any sentiment, wavering between _the_ (_b_) _demands of_ perspicuity and energy (of which _the_ (_c_) (40 _a_) _former of course_ requires the first care, lest (40 _a_) he should fail of both), and (37) doubting whether the (_d_) phrase _which_ (8) _has_ (_e_) _the_ most force and brevity will be (_f_) readily _taken_ (_g_) _in, it may_ (_h_) (3) _be recommended to use_ both (_d_) expressions; first, (_h_) _to expound_ the sense sufficiently to be clearly understood, and then (_i_) _to_ contract it into the most compendious and striking form."

(_a_) Write "When an author &c." (_b_) Can be omitted. (_c_) a.s.similate the constructions: "Of which the former must, of course, be aimed at first, lest both be missed." (_d_) Use "expression" or else "phrase" in _both_ places. (_e_) a.s.similate the construction to what follows; write "that is most forcible and brief." (_f_) Insert "also." (_g_) "understood." (_h_) "let him use ...; first let him expound." (_i_) Omit.

93. "When I say 'a great man,' I _not_ (22) _only_ mean a man intellectually great but also morally, (38) _who_ (8) has no preference for diplomacy (_a_) (23) _at all events which_ (10 _a_) _is_ mean, petty, and underhanded to secure ends _which_ (8) can be secured by an honest policy _equally_ (20) _well_, (38) _who_ (8) does not resemble Polonius, (_b_) who prefers to get at truth by untruthful tricks, and (_b_) who considers truth a carp _which_ (10 _g_) _is_ to be caught by the bait falsehood. We cannot call a petty intriguer great (_c_), (30) though we may be forced to call an unscrupulous _man by that_ (15 _a_) _name_."

(_a_) "at all events no preference." (_b_) Why is _who_ right here? If you like, you can write, "does not, like Polonius, prefer ... and consider." (_c_) End with "we cannot give the name to a petty intriguer."

94. "I regret that I have some (_a_) (3) _intelligence which_ (10 _a_) _is of a most_ (3) _painful nature_, and which I must tell you at once, though (_b_) _I should like to defer it_ on (_c_) (40 _a_) account of your ill-health, and _because_ (_c_) (40 _a_) _you have already had_ many troubles, and (40 _a_) _owing to_ the natural dislike _which_ (8) a friend must always feel to say _that_ (10 _f_) _which_ is unpleasant. Many old friends in this district have turned against you: I scarcely like to write the words: _only_ (21) I remain faithful to you, and I am sure you will believe that I am doing _that_ (10 _f_) _which_ is best for your interests."