How to Write Clearly Part 10

48. "_To be suddenly_ (_a_) (47 _a_) _brought into contact_ with a system (8) _which_ forces one to submit to wholesale imposture, and _to being_ (40 _a_) _barbarously ill-treated_, naturally repels (_a_) (15 _a_) _one_."

(_a_) Write, either (1) "Collision ... causes a natural repulsion," or (2) "When brought into contact ... one is naturally repelled," or (if "ill-treatment" is emphatic), (3) "One is naturally repelled by collision with &c."

49. "We annex a letter recently addressed by Mr. ----'s direction to the Editor of the ----, in contradiction of statements, equally untrue, which appeared in that periodical, _and_ (_a_) (9) _which_ the editor has undertaken to insert in the next number.... I am sure that all must regret that statements _so_ (_b_) (51) _utterly_ erroneous should have (_c_) (23) _first_ appeared in a publication of such high character."

(_a_) What the writer intended to express was that the editor had undertaken to insert, not the "statements," but the "contradiction." (_b_) Omit either "so" or "utterly." (_c_) "appeared first," or, "for the first time."

50. "This is a book _which_ (10 _a_) _is_ short and amusing, _which_ (10 _a_) _can be easily_ (_a_) _understood, which_ (10 _a_) is admirably adapted for _the purpose for which it_ (_b_) _was_ (54) _written_; and (10 _e_) _which_ ought to be more popular than the last work _which_ (10 _a_) _was_ published by the same author."

(_a_) Express "which can be understood" in one adjective. (_b_) "Its purpose."

51. "When thousands are _left_ (19) without (40) _pity_ and without (40) _attention_ (19) _on_ a field of battle, amid (40) the insults of an enraged foe and (40) the trampling of horses, while the blood from their wounds, freezing as it flows, binds them to the earth, and (40) they are exposed to the piercing air, _it_ (15 _a_) _must be indeed a painful scene_."

The whole sentence must be remedied by (40).

52. "(_a_) The youth was naturally thoughtful, and disposed (19) besides by his early training--(31) which had been conducted with great care, the object of his parents being to _pave_ (14) _his way_ as far as possible over the _stormy_ (14) _sea of temptation_ and to _lead_ him into the _harbour_ of virtue--to a sincere (_b_) (1) _remorse_ (19) for the (_b_) (1) _crimes_ that he had committed in the sight of heaven, and also for his recent (_b_) (1) _sin_ in breaking the laws of his country."

(_a_) First state the reasons for his being "disposed." "The youth was naturally thoughtful; moreover, his early training had been conducted with great care by his parents, whose &c. .... He was therefore disposed &c." (_b_) What is the difference between "remorse" and "repentance," between "sin" and "crime"?

53. "(_a_) _One day_ (54) _early in the morning_, the general was approached by a messenger, (30) in the midst of the _entanglements and perplexities_ which had _unexpectedly surprised_ him, when the _perilous hour of_ (54) _danger_ was at hand, and (37), in spite of their promises, even the tribes that were _well disposed_ (54) _and friendly_, were threatening to _desert him, and_ (54) _leave him to face the enemy_ (_b_) (23) _alone_."

Condense the sentence by omitting some of the italicized words, _e.g._ (_a_) "Early one morning." (_b_) Though there is no real ambiguity (unless a wrong emphasis is placed on "enemy"), yet, in strictness, "alone" ought to qualify "enemy." Write therefore, "alone in the face of the enemy."

54. "_A man_ (_a_) (10 _d_) _who_ neglected the ordinary duties *of*

life, and, immersed in study, devoted himself to grand plans for the benefit of mankind, (_b_) (44) _and_ refused to provide for the wants of those dependent on him, and suffered his aged relatives to become paupers because he would not help them, (_c_) would, in my opinion, (34) be a bad man, and not altogether (_d_) (40 _a_) without hypocrisy."

(_a_) "If a man." (_b_) "if he refused," or "while he refused."

(_c_) "such a man" or "he." (_d_) "to some extent a hypocrite."

55. "I cannot believe in the guilt of (_a_) _one_ (_b_) (10 _e_) _who_, whatever may have been said to the contrary, can be shown, and has been shown by competent testimony proceeding from those who are said to have carefully examined the facts, _in spite_ (23) _of many obstacles_, to have resisted all attempts to (29) induce him to leave his situation, (_c_) (29) to consult his own interests and to (29) establish a business of his own."

(_a_) "his guilt;" (_b_) (1) "for, whatever &c.... it can be shown by &c.... that, in spite of &c., he resisted." Or (2) insert "in spite ... obstacles" between "have" and "carefully."

(_c_) (1) "for the purpose of consulting ... and establishing."

Or (2) write "and to consult his own interests by establishing &c."

56. "We must seek for the origin of our freedom, (_a_) (37) prosperity, and (_a_) (37) glory, in _that and only_ (_b_) _that_[18]

portion of our annals, (30) though _it_ (_c_) _is_ sterile and obscure. The great English people was (_d_) _then_ formed; the notional (_e_) _disposition_ began (_d_) _then_ to exhibit those peculiarities which it has ever since (_e_) _possessed_; and our fathers (_d_) _then_ became emphatically islanders, (_f_) in their politics, (_a_) feelings, and (_a_) manners, _and_ (30 _a_) _not merely in their geographical position_."

(_a_) Repeat the p.r.o.nominal Adjective, (_b_) Express the emphatic "only that" by beginning the sentence thus: "It is in that portion of our annals &c." (_c_) Omit. (_d_) "It was then that &c." (_e_) Use words implying something more _marked_ than "disposition," and more _forcible_ than "possessed;" in the latter case, "retained." (_f_) Repeat "islanders."

57. "(_a_) He was _the universal_ (54) _favourite of_ (54) _all_ (8) _who knew him_, and cemented many friendships at this period, (_a_) (33) (moving in the highest circle of society, and, _as he_ (_b_) (50) _had a_ (4 _a_) _certain property, being independent_ of the profits of literature), and soon completely extinguished the breath of slander which at the outset of his career had threatened to sap the foundations of his reputation."

(_a_) Begin "Moving in &c." (_b_) "rendered independent of ... by &c." Show that Rule (14) is violated by the metaphors.

58. "The outward and material form of that city which, during the brief period _which_ (10 _a_) _is_ comprised in our present book, reached the highest pitch of military, artistic, and literary glory, _was of this_ (_a_) (15) _nature_. The progress of _the_ (_b_) (5) _first_ has been already traced."

(_a_) Begin the sentence with "Such was." (_b_) By "the first" is meant "military glory."

59. "The detachment not only failed to take the fort, (30) spite of their numbers and the weakness of the garrison, but also to capture the small force that was encamped outside the town, and was, after some sharp fighting, driven back with inconsiderable loss."

Point out the ambiguity. Remedy it by inserting either "which,"

or "the a.s.sailants."

60. "(_a_) (_b_) _Believing_ that these reforms can _only_ (_c_) (21) be effected as public opinion is prepared for them, and that (5) _this_ will be more or less advanced in different localities, the Bill of the a.s.sociation, (_a_) (31) which has been for _a_ (3) _considerable period_ in draft, and will be introduced in the next Session of Parliament, provides for _placing_ (_d_) (3) _the control in regard to the points above-mentioned in the_ (3) _hands_ of the ratepayers of each locality; the power to be exercised through representative Licensing Boards to be periodically elected by them."

(_a_) Place the parenthesis first, as an independent sentence: "The Bill of the a.s.sociation has been ... Parliament." (_b_) What noun is qualified by "believing?" Write "In the belief." (_c_) "effected only so far as they are in accordance with public opinion, which &c." (_d_) "it, or, the Bill provides that the ratepayers ... shall receive control ... and shall exercise this control."

61. "I think they are very (1) _nice_ persons, for they kept me amused for a _long_ (_a_) (11) _time together_ yesterday by their (1) _nice_ stories all about _what they_ (_b_) _have experienced_ in j.a.pan, where they had been for (_a_) _ever so long_, and (_c_) (43) where they said that the natives ripped up _their_ (_d_) (5) stomachs."

(_a_) Mention some time. (_b_) "experiences" or "adventures."

(_c_) "among other things, they told us &c." (_d_) "their own."

62. "To contend for advantageous monopolies, which are regarded with a dislike and a suspicion (_a_) _which daily_ (10 _a_) _increases_, (30) _however natural it may be to be annoyed at the loss of that which one has once possessed_, (15 _a_) is _useless_."

(_a_) A compound adjective can be used, including "daily."

63. "Upon entering the rustic place of entertainment to partake of some refreshment, my nerves were horrified by lighting on a number of boisterous individuals who were singing some species of harvest song, and simultaneously imbibing that cup which, if it cheers, also inebriates; and when, banished from their society by the fumes of the fragrant weed, I wended my way to the apartment which adjoined the one in which I had hoped to rest my weary limbs, I found an interesting a.s.sortment of the fairer s.e.x, who were holding a separate confabulation apart from the revels of their rougher spouses."

Write "village inn," "next room," &c., for these absurd circ.u.mlocutions. See (3).

64. "When Burgoyne was born, in 1782, Napoleon and Wellington _were both boys_ (11)."

Napoleon studied at Brienne, Wellington at Eton. Mention this, and, in order to imply the _boyhood_, call Wellington "Arthur Wellesley."

65. "An honourable friend of mine, who is now, I believe, near me--(38) to whom I never can on any occasion refer without feelings of respect, and, on this subject, (36) feelings of the most grateful homage; (38) whose abilities upon this occasion, as upon some former ones, are not entrusted merely to the perishable eloquence of the (_a_) day, but will live to be the admiration of that (_a_) hour when all of us are mute and most of us forgotten: (_b_) (38) has told you that prudence _is_ (52) the first of virtues, _and_ (52) can never be used in the cause of vice."

(_a_) Though "of the day" is a recognized expression for "ephemeral" or "transitory," yet to use "day" for a short time, and "hour" for a longer, is objectionable. Write _moment_ for _day_. Else write _future_ for _hour_. (_b_) "--this gentleman has told &c."

66. "To see the British artisan and his wife on the Sabbath, neat and clean and cheerful, with their children by their sides, (_a_) (19) _disporting_ themselves under the open canopy of heaven, _is_ (15) _pleasant_."

(_a_) There is no reasonable ground for mistaking the sense here, as the context makes it clear; but since Lord Shaftesbury was questioned whether he meant _disporting_ to qualify "artisan and his wife" or "children," write "and, by their sides, their children disporting &c."

67. "Even if (_a_) _it were_ attended with extenuating circ.u.mstances, such conduct would deserve severe reprobation, (_b_) _and it_ is the more called for because _it_ would seem that (_c_) _it_ was the intention of _the author of the crime_, in perpetrating (_e_) _it_, to inflict all the misery that was possible, upon his victim." See (5).

(_a_) Omit "it were." (_b_) "which." (_c_) "to have been." (_d_) Express "author of the crime" in one word. (_e_) Use the noun.

68. "The (_a_) (1) _observance_ of the heavenly bodies must have been attended with great difficulties, (_b_) (30) before the telescope was (_a_) (1) _discovered_, and it is not to be wondered at if the investigations of astronomers were often unsatisfactory, and failed to produce complete (_a_) (1) _persuasion_, (30) (15, _a_) under these disadvantages."

(_a_) What is the difference between "observance" and "observation," "discover" and "invent," "persuasion" and "conviction"? (_b_) Begin "Before &c."

69. "He plunged into the sea once more, (30) not content with his previous exertions. After a long and dangerous struggle, he succeeded in reaching a poor woman that was crying piteously for help, and (_a_) (35) was at last hauled safely to sh.o.r.e."

(_a_) Point put and remedy the ambiguity by inserting "he" or by writing "who," according to the meaning.

70. "Sir John Burgoyne himself, face to face with Todleben, became (_a_) (1) _conscious_ of the difference between the fortifications of San Sebastian and of Sebastopol, (_b_) _which_ (10 _e_) was (_c_) (12) _very weak_ compared with Metz or Paris."

(_a_) What is the exact meaning of _conscious_? (_b_) Avoid the relative, by repeating the name, with a conjunction, (_c_) "weakness itself."