Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 19

He repeated it.

"Louder," again said the officer; "why, man, your voice is as soft as a woman's!"

"Well," said Pat, "that might be. Me mother was a woman."

_The Retort Courteous_!

A merry party being gathered in a city flat made such a racket that the occupant of a neighboring apartment sent his servant down with a polite message asking if it would be possible for the party to make less noise, since, as the servant announced, "Mr. Smith says that he cannot read."

"I am very sorry for Mr. Smith," replied the host. "Please present my compliments to your master, say that I am sorry he cannot read, and tell him I could when I was four years old!"

_When He Left_

A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"

"Nearly every night," was the reply.

_A Popular Store_

The salesman in a large department store wore a troubled look. "You must be severely tried," said a man standing by. "There are all sorts and conditions of people in the world,"

"Yes, there are," said the salesman, "and they're all here, too!"

_He Couldn't Bend_

A young man engaged board and lodging in a private family who were extremely devout. Before each meal a long grace was said. To their dismay and horror the new boarder sat bolt upright while the others at table reverently bowed their heads. When the second day pa.s.sed and the young man evinced no disposition to unbend, the good lady of the house could endure the situation no longer.

"Atheism?" asked she sharply.

"No, madam," humbly responded the new boarder; "boil."

_Really, All the Same_

As the railroad train was stopping an old lady, not accustomed to traveling, hailed the pa.s.sing conductor and asked:

"Conductor, what door shall I get out by?"

"Either door, ma'am," graciously answered the conductor. "The car stops at both ends."

_He Had a Good Excuse_

"Good-morning, Mrs. Stubbins," said the parson; "is your husband at home?"

"'E's 'ome, sir, but 'e's abed," replied Mrs. Stubbins, who had just finished hanging a pair of recently-patched trousers on the clothesline.

"How is it he didn't come to church on Sunday? You know we must have our hearts in the right place."

"Lor', sir," retorted the faithful wife,"'is 'eart's all right. It's 'is trouziz!"

_One of Lincoln's Little Notes_

President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latter was in command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known, conducted a waiting campaign, being so careful not to make any mistakes that he made very little headway. President Lincoln sent this brief but exceedingly pertinent letter:

"_My Dear McClellan_: If you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while."

"Yours respectfully, A. LINCOLN."

_Fair Play_

A group of drummers were trading yarns on the subject of hospitality, says "Lippincott's Magazine," when one of them took up his parable thus:

"I was down in Louisiana last month travelin' cross country when we kinder got lost in a lonesome sort of road just about dark, and when we saw a light ahead I tell you it looked first rate. We drove up to the light, findin' 'twas a house, and when I hollered the man came out and we asked him to take us in for the night. He looked at us mighty hard, then said, 'Wall, I reckon I kin stand it if you kin.'

"So we unhitched, went in, and found 'twas only a two-room shanty and just swarmin' with children. He had six from four to 'leven years old, and as there didn't seem to be but one bed, me an' Stony was wonderin' what in thunder would become of us.

"They gave us supper, and then the old woman put the two youngest kids to bed. They went straight to sleep. Then she took those out, laid them over in the corner, put the next two to bed, and so on.

After all the children were asleep on the floor the old folks went in the other room and told us we could go to bed if we wanted to, and, bein' powerful tired out, we did.

"Well, sir, the next morning when we woke up we was lying over in the corner with the kids, and the old man and the old woman had the bedl"

_Cold Comfort That_

A country minister who lived quite a distance from his church was overtaken on the way over one Sunday morning by a heavy shower. The rain poured in torrents, and by the time he arrived at the church he was almost drenched. Shaking the water from his hat and coat he remarked:

"Really, friends, I am almost too wet to preach."

"Oh, never mind," replied one of his congregation; "you'll be dry enough in the pulpit!"

_A "Billet-Doux"_