Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 20

She was a winsome country la.s.s, So William on a brief vacation, The time more pleasantly to pa.s.s, Essayed flirtation.

And while they strolled in twilight dim, As near the time for parting drew, Asked if she would have from him A "billet-doux."

Now this simple maid of French knew naught, But doubting not 'twas something nice, Shyly she lifted her pretty head, Her rosy lips together drew, and coyly said, "Yes, Billy--do,"

And William--did.

_When Pat Laughed Last_

A short time ago two Englishmen on a visit to Ireland hired a boat for the purpose of having a sail.

One of the Britons, thinking he would have a good joke at Pat's expense, asked him if he knew anything about astrology.

"Be jabers, no," said Pat.

"Then that's the best part of your life just lost," answered the Englishman.

The second Englishman then asked Pat if he knew anything about theology.

"Be jabers, no," answered Pat.

"Well," the second said, "I must say that's the very best part of your life lost."

A few minutes later a sudden squall arose and the boat capsized. Pat began to swim. The Britons, however, could not swim, and both called loudly to Pat to help them.

"Do you know anything about swimology?" asked Pat.

"No," answered both Englishmen.

"Well, be jabers," replied Pat, "then both of your lives is lost!"

_Could Eat, but Couldn't See_

A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room at a hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours for dining.

"We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three, and supper from three to eight," explained the clerk.

"Wa-al, say," inquired the farmer in surprise, "what time air I goin'

ter git ter see the town?"

_How She Got It_

A little girl was sent by her mother to the grocery store with a jug for a quart of vinegar.

"But, mamma," said the little one, "I can't say that word."

"But you must try," said the mother, "for I must have vinegar and there's no one else to send."

So the little girl went with the jug, and as she reached the counter of the store she pulled the cork out of the jug with a pop, swung the jug on the counter with a thud, and said to the astonished clerk:

"There! Smell of that and give me a quart!"

_What the "Grip" Is_

Asked what made him look so ill, an Irishman replied, "Faith, I had the grip last winter." To draw him out the questioner asked, "What is the grip, Patrick?"

"The grip!" he says. "Don't you know what the grip is? It's a disease that makes you sick six months after you get well!"

_Wouldn't Have Been Strange_

Two women were strangers to each other at a reception. After a few moments' desultory talk the first said rather querulously:

"I don't know what's the matter with that tall, blond gentleman over there. He was so attentive a while ago, but he won't look at me now."

"Perhaps," said the other, "he saw me come in. He's my husband."

_A Place for Jeremiah_

A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on the prophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At last he finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. He took a long breath and continued: "Now I shall proceed to the major prophets."

After the major prophets had received more than ample attention the congregation gave another sigh of relief.

"Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the major prophets, what about Jeremiah? Where is Jeremiah's place?"

At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church. "Jeremiah can have my place," he said; "I'm going home."

_The One Thing He Wanted_

After waiting the usual five or ten minutes the new arrival was served with the first dinner course of soup. Hesitating a moment as he glanced at his plate, the guest said to the waiter:

"I can't eat this soup."

"I'll bring you another kind, sir," said the waiter as he took it away.

"Neither can I eat this soup!" said the guest a trifle more emphatically, when the second plate was served.

The waiter, angrily but silently, for the third time brought a plate of soup.