Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 18

_No Doubt of it_

The lesson was from the "Prodigal Son," and the Sunday-school teacher was dwelling on the character of the elder brother. "But amidst all the rejoicing," he said, "there was one to whom the preparation of the feast brought no joy, to whom the prodigal's return gave no pleasure, but only bitterness; one who did not approve of the feast being held, and had no wish to attend it. Now can any of you tell who this was?" There was a short silence, followed by a vigorous cracking of thumbs, and then from a dozen little mouths came the chorus: "Please, sir, it was the fatted calf."

_The Lesson Stopped_

The teacher was taking a cla.s.s in the infant Sabbath-school room and was making her pupils finish each sentence to show that they understood her.

"The idol had eyes," the teacher said, "but it could not----"

"See," cried the children.

"It had ears, but it could not----"

"Hear," was the answer.

"It had lips," she said, "but it could not----"

"Speak," once more replied the children.

"It had a nose, but it could not----"

"Wipe it," shouted the children; and the lesson had to stop a moment.

_The Wrong One_

A young man had been calling now and then on a young lady, when one night, as he sat in the parlor waiting for her to come down, her mother entered the room instead, and asked him in a very grave, stern way what his intentions were.

He turned very red, and was about to stammer some incoherent reply, when suddenly the young lady called down from the head of the stairs:

"Mamma, mamma, that is not the one."

_A Good Pair of Boots_

"You know," said a "smart" young man to a girl, "some one has said that 'if you would make a lasting pair of boots take for the sole the tongue of a woman.'"

"Yes," replied the girl, "and for the uppers you ought to take the cheek of the man who said it."

_Not Just the Right Place_

A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered a crowded street car.

"Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully at her blushing face.

"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?" was the low, embarra.s.sed reply.

_What Else Could He Be_?

There is a man who is the head of a large family, nearly every member of which is a performer on some kind of musical instrument.

A friend who was visiting the house of this man referred to the fact, remarking that it must be a source of great pleasure to the family, but to this observation the father made no reply.

"Really," continued the friend, "it is remarkable. Your younger son is a cornetist, both your daughters are pianists, your wife is a violinist, and, I understand, the others are also musicians. Now what are you, the father of such a musical combination ?"

"I," replied the old man sadly--"I am a pessimist."

_He Had to Stand Up_

An American doctor built an elegant home, says the "San Francisco Chronicle"; his bathroom was exceptionally beautiful, being of white marble with silver hardware; a music-box was concealed in the room.

After completion of the home an Englishman came to visit the doctor.

Now the English always show great respect for their sovereign and their country, and this one was no exception.

After showing his home to the Englishman the doctor remembered the fondness English people have for the bath, and escorted his guest to the bathroom, and while there turned on the music-box, wishing to give his guest a pleasant surprise as he bathed. Then he left his friend in the bathroom.

About an hour later the Englishman joined his host in the drawing-room. The doctor immediately asked what his guest thought of the bathroom. The Englishman replied: "It is beautiful, beautiful."

"Well," said the doctor, "how did you like my music-box?"

Said his guest with great disgust in his tones:

"Bah! That music-box! The old thing played 'G.o.d Save the King,' and I had to stand up the whole time I was trying to bathe."

_His Heartbreaking Task_

"Darling," said the bride, "I had a terrible feeling of sadness come over me this afternoon--a sort of feeling that you were doing something that would break my heart if I knew of it. Think, sweet, what were you doing, now, this afternoon at four o'clock?"

"Dearest," replied the husband tenderly and rea.s.suringly, "at that hour I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes."

_Easily Accounted For_

An Irishman, upon arriving in America, was asked his name at Ellis Island. He gave it.

"Speak louder," said the officer.