First. Part 18

"You're too young. That is a bar, Emily."

"Oh, come on, Monica. You can't tell me that you can't get me in?" she stood, crossing her arms over her chest, chewing on one side of her lip. Finally nodding, as if she had come to some sort of decision.

"Okay. We'll go to Campy's." I smiled. This should be interesting.

As I dressed I thought of where we were going. It had occurred to me what kind of place that bar had been, later. I wasn't sure why it hadn't that day. I had heard of places like that before when I had been in school, but it had never really registered, and I had never paid any attention. I felt a surge of energy, and curiosity, and figured what the h.e.l.l. I was out of Pueblo soon anyway.

I decided to dress conservatively in lose-fitting blue jeans and a T-shirt. I wore my hair back in a ponytail. I looked into the mirror, and realized I looked like I was twelve. With a sigh, I pulled the band out of my hair, and combed it all down around my shoulders. It helped a bit. I looked fifteen instead. I sat on my bed to put my shoes on, and my mind drifted to Beth. I wondered if she had ever been to Campy's. Wouldn't surprise me. Part of me, a large part, actually, wished that she were going with us. Or with me. I missed her so much. After seeing her twice in the last couple weeks, after not seeing her at all for seven months, I was craving that which only she could fill. I knew that it was crazy of me to wish for something that was just not going to happen. I was far too logical for that. But all the same. I wondered if she was still with that pretty redhead from the theater. Had she been another actress? I didn't recall seeing her in the play. Maybe just a fan. Like me.

"Okay. You're sure about this?" Monica asked as we sat in her Cherokee outside of the bustling Campy's. I stared at the building at the end of the parking lot, and listened as the heavy beat of music pounded out of the open door. I nodded. "Okay. Let's go."

My eyes took in everything as we walked through the door, Monica having to do some pretty smooth talking to the bouncer so I could get in. It certainly looked different than it had with all the lights on. The air was filled with a smoky glow as all the thousands of twinkling lights caught cigarette smoke. It also seemed to vibrate with the beat from the music which was Motley Crue, the heavy guitar and vocals almost deafening. Faces were hard to make out in the red hue of the place, but I could see tables jam-packed with crowds of talking, drinking, laughing people. Mostly women, but men were wondering around, too.

"Do you want something to drink?" Monica asked, leaning in close so I could hear above the noise. "Non-alcoholic." She said pointedly. I shrugged innocently.

"A c.o.ke?" she smiled, and headed toward the bar. I started to follow, and nearly ran smack into someone, or did they nearly run smack into me? I looked up, startled, to see short, curly blonde hair, and half-lidded brown eyes.

"In a hurry?" she asked.

"Sorry." I said. She shrugged bare shoulders, and looked over to Monica who stood at the bar.

"What're you two doing here?" Lee asked.

"I'm leaving tomorrow, so I wanted to check the place out. When it's open." I explained, though I don't know why I was bothering. She nodded, and walked away. I stared after her, shaking my head. What a strange woman.

"What?" I turned to see Monica standing next to me, her brows drawn as she looked to see what had caught my attention, and had me frowning. I nodded with my head toward the table where the blonde sat with a large group of women. "Oh. I'm not surprised. She's here all the time. That was part of the problem." She muttered. I turned to her, curious.

"Part of the problem?" then it dawned on me, making me want to whack myself in the forehead. "You two were together?" I asked, my voice a whisper. She grinned with a nod. "Oh." I looked back to the blonde, new understanding. I felt so thick. "So you are, well, into....this?" I asked, my hand out to include the whole room.

"Have been for almost ten years, now." She smiled. I nodded dumbly. "Come on." She chuckled, walking toward an empty table in a corner. We sat, me with my c.o.ke, Monica with her beer, which I eyed. "You like beer?" she asked, taking a sip. I scrunched up my face, shaking my head.

"Tastes like carbonated horse p.i.s.s." She set the bottle down, and threw her head back in a howl of laughter.

"Something you've tried recently?" she asked as she calmed, an amused smile planted on her face. I stuck my tongue out at her.

"Good evening, ladies." My head snapped up as a woman with a tray walked up to our table. "For you." She set another beer on a small, round cardboard coaster in front of Monica.

"Who?" my friend asked, glancing around the bar. The waitress pointed to a table three tables down, and walked away. Monica strained her neck to look behind her at the table, seeing a woman raise her gla.s.s in salute. Monica smiled, and raised her beer. I watched, fascinated. The woman was attractive with long, brown hair. The bar was too dark to see any of her features very clearly. "I'll be right back, Emily." Monica said, turning back to me. "You be okay for a sec?" I nodded.

"Yeah, go ahead." She chugged her beer, taking the new one with her. I sat back in my chair, watching as couples stood from their tables and headed toward the dance floor that was already filled with a steady throng of dancers. It was such a new experience for me to see a woman leading another woman to the dance floor, or back to their seats, talking close, leading to a kiss. It was almost an overload of images, and my body was thrumming with the new knowledge opening to me. How had it happened so suddenly to me? Like a brick falling out of the sky, thumping me on the back of the head? I suppose I just wasn't ready before. Everything happens in its own time.

"You look lost." My head snapped up to see Lee standing at the table, an amused grin on her face. G.o.d knows I certainly felt lost in a way at that moment, but I did not want the blonde to know that. I shook my head.

"Just thinking." She pulled out a chair, and plopped down in it, sipping from her water.

"Penny for your thoughts?" she said, leaning back in the chair, bringing her booted foot up to rest on the chair next to her. I studied her for a moment, wondering what she wanted. Seeing nothing but genuine curiosity, I decided what the h.e.l.l.

"I've never been to a place like this before." I said, my voice almost shy. I felt really young at that moment. She nodded.

"Kind of interesting, isn't it? Whole new world, kid." I nodded, she smiled. "Monica teaching you the ropes?" she wiggled her brows, and glared, catching her obvious meaning.

"She's my boss."

"All the better."

I rolled my eyes, and looked out toward the dance floor. She chuckled.

"I'm just kidding, Emily. Hey, just a joke." I glance back at her, annoyed. "Come on. Let's dance." Fear gripped me immediately, and I shook my head. "Come on, I won't bite. Let's go." She stood, scooting her chair back under the table. I glanced over to see Monica talking to the woman who had bought her a drink, then looked up to see Lee patiently waiting for me. On shaky legs, I stood, and slowly followed the blonde to the dance floor. The song was fast paced, and bodies were thrashing about. I tried to be careful not to get smacked in the face by a weaving hand or arm. Lee found us a place near the edge of the floor, and began to move. I watched her for a moment, then began to dance myself. I loved to dance, and so decided to just let go. The blonde smiled, and I smiled back Maybe this wasn't so bad.

The song ended, and another began, Cyndi Lauper, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". I giggled as Lee joined in to help Cyndi along, her voice often getting lost in the loud volume of the music, her movement wild and silly to match the song. I was having a ball when I turned around and noticed Monica sitting at our table. She was watching us, an unreadable look on her face. Lee noticed where my attention had gone, and turned back to me.

"She tell you we used to date?" she asked, moving a bit closer to be heard above the beat. I nodded. "What did she tell you?"

"Not much." I answered with a shrug. Part of me wanted to ask questions, but then I thought better of it. Any questions I asked should be to Monica, not her ex.

"We lived together." She continued. I just watched on, quietly hoping she'd tell me more. "For just over a year." She turned, grinding with a friend of hers who danced next to us. I watched them as they laughed, and hugged each other. That had been interesting. I had a feeling the new world I had become a part of would bring forth many new discoveries. Lee turned back to me and inched her way to me until next thing I knew, she was behind me, her hands on the sides of my thighs as she hunched down, taking me with her, her front grinding into my rear-end. I wasn't sure what to do, but realized that just underlying the uncomfortable surface was a complete sense of being turned on. Just a bit disconcerted, I scooted away from her, and turned to find her grinning at me.

"Why'd you break up?" I asked, just this side of sarcastic.

"I like to have too much fun." She said with a shrug. I couldn't believe she was so nonchalant about it. I glanced back over in my boss' direction to find her still staring at us, the slightest pained expression on her face. "But," I turned my attention back to her. She had dropped the careless smile, was looking at Monica. "I do have my regrets." I was surprised at the wistful tone in her voice. The blonde seemed to shake herself out of her reverie, and smiled at me. "Come outside and have a smoke with me."

"I don't smoke." I said.

"Well I do. Come on."

I followed Lee off the dance floor, and out the front door of the club. She walked us over to a large Ford, and yanked the tailgate down, hopping up onto it. I did the same, our legs dangling back and forth. Lee took a pack of Marlboro's out of her shirt pocket, and stuck a slim, white cigarette into her mouth. She offered me the pack.

"You sure?" she asked when I shook my head. With a shrug, she stuck the pack back into her shirt, taking a lighter out, flicking the wheel to release the small, yellow flame. I stared out into the night as she took a deep drag, expelling the smoke from her nose and mouth with a sigh. "Gets so crowded in there." She said, putting her hands on the cool metal of the gate on either side of her legs.

"You come here a lot?" I asked, glancing at her. She nodded, taking another drag.

"Few times a week."

"Don't you work?" I asked, incredulous. She chuckled.

"Sure do. This is how I relax." She explained. To me it seemed far more stressful than relaxing, but to each her own. "So, you like working for Monica?" I nodded. That seemed safe enough territory. "She a good boss?" again, I nodded. "Good." She took another, long drag, staring off at the cars that drove by on the highway. "She seeing anyone?" I glanced over at her, not comfortable with the question at all.

"I really don't think that's any of our business, Lee." She nodded.

"Fair enough. I'm sorry. Don't mean to get you involved."

"S'okay." I said with a small smile. I understood. If I had run into that little redhead that had been with Beth at the theater, I would have picked her brain, too. Does she talk about me? Does she think about me? Does she miss me? All questions that I would probably never know. Never get to ask or find out.

My head drooped slightly as I thought about the ramifications of those thoughts.

"You okay, kid?" I glanced over to see Lee staring at me, her dark blonde brows drawn as she studied me. I nodded.

"Yeah."

"You're kind of new to this world, aren't you?" she asked, indicating the building to our left. I nodded again. Was it stamped on my forehead? I couldn't help but wonder, was there some sort of right of pa.s.sage I was supposed to take? What was this new world she spoke of? Was it like its own community, or could you just continue to be you? It was all very confusing for me then. I sighed.

"Yes."

"Thought so. Tell your folks, yet? I mean, I a.s.sume you still live with them?" I stared at her. Tell my folks? It had not even occurred to me. Suddenly I was mortified! What would they say? How would they react? Did I have to tell them? Maybe they didn't need to know. After all, I was no different then I had been all my life. I shook my head. "Yeah, it's tough to do." I just stared at her as she blew a puff of smoke up into the dark sky, watching as it got lost above the reach of the parking lot lights. "You know my mother kicked me out when I told her." She glanced down at me from the corner of her eye, grinned at my look of shock, a small dimple playing near her mouth. "Sorry. Guess that's not the kind of thing you need to hear." She dropped the cigarette on the ground, reaching her booted foot down to smash the b.u.t.t into the gravel. She stared up at the sky, so I did the same. A star fell across to our right. Lee pointed up. "See that?" she asked, glancing at me. I nodded. "Make a wish, kid. Hope it sticks."

I could not remember the wish that I had made that night while sitting on that tailgate with Lee. As I drove away from Monica and Connie's house. I glanced over at the envelope that laid on the pa.s.senger seat of the Camry. What did Beth have to say? I pulled up to a stop light, and stared out at the street, my hands on the wheel, thumbs caressing the leather. I looked over at the letter again, grabbing it, looking at it. Only my name. I ran my fingertip over the bold writing, a small smile playing across my lips. Just like Beth. Bold, but solid. The light turned green, so I laid the envelope down, and drove on.

"So what did Lee have to say?" I was pulled from thoughts of breaking the news to my parents when I heard Monica's voice. I blinked twice as what she had asked registered.

"Oh, ah, not much. Just talked about when she was younger, her mother. That sort of thing." She nodded, steering the Cherokee through town.

"Yeah. You know the way Beth and her mom used to fight?" she didn't wait for a response. "That was Lee and Ann all over again. G.o.d, night and day." She shook her head sadly.

"You remember Beth, then?" I asked, trying to hide my surprise with nonchalance. She nodded, and grinned over at me.

"Yeah. I do. I didn't pay much attention to you guys growing up, but once I saw her that day, I remembered her. Poor kid."

"Beth's not a kid." I pouted. "And neither am I." I glanced out the side window. At the bar I had hoped that Monica would have danced with me. She never asked. I had felt left out as most of her time had been with the woman who had bought her a drink. After Lee had finished her cigarette, she had wished me good night and good luck, and had headed home. Monica had been nowhere in sight when I went back to our table. I had felt young and vulnerable like a child who had lost her mother in a shopping mall, hungry pairs of eyes sizing me up. Monica said nothing to my childish retort, but I could feel her eyes on me.

"Okay, Emily. What's wrong? Are you mad because I talked to Arlene?"

"Who?" I asked, knowing full well who she meant. I was feeling difficult.

"The woman with the beer?" she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. I tried to hide a slight smile, but failed miserably. Monica was seeing right through my brooding, and refused to play along. I could never stay mad at her long, anyway.

"No. I just felt really alone." I muttered. Monica turned into her driveway, pulling the break, and shutting down the engine. I looked around, surprised to see she had taken us to her house. It was late, and I had wanted to get an early start the next morning. I turned to her, questioning.

"I want to give you your going away gift." She said with a smile. "Come on." She opened her door. "I'm sorry about that, Emily, really, I am. I saw you talking to Lee, so figured you didn't want me around. I mean, I got you in, the rest was up to you." She explained quietly as she searched for the right key to let us in the small house. I put my hand on her arm to stop her, and get her to look at me.

"Monica, why did you think that? I wanted to go there, yes, but I wanted to go with you." Her face brightened, but she said nothing. "You're such a good friend, and so much fun to be with." She smiled shyly, and turned back to the door, holding it open for me. I walked in ahead of her, running my hands through my hair as I made my way to the living room, hearing Monica not far behind. "You know, Lee brought up a really good point tonight; one that I had not thought of."

"What's that?" my friend and boss asked absently as she knelt in front of her stereo, finding Laura Branigan, 'Gloria'. "Oh, love this song." She said, sitting on the couch, taking off her shoes with a contented sigh, tossing them aside.

"My parents." I said, sitting in the chair across from her. Monica glanced at me under her bangs, her brows drawn in confusion. "Telling them? About me?" I said.

"Oh." She breathed, sitting back against the soft, green material. She stared at me for a moment, her eyes half-hooded in thought. "Well, you could not tell them, I suppose." She chuckled. "I'm sure that would go over well." I sighed.

"Don't you think maybe I should wait to tell them until I'm really sure?"

"Aren't you?"

"I don't know!" I exclaimed, plopping back in the chair, my face buried in my hands.

"Hey." I heard quietly spoken next to me. I peeked an eye out to see Monica kneeling next to the chair, her hands on the arm. She looked up at me with the softest smile.

"Believe me, Emily. You'll know. When the time is right, you'll know." She smiled encouragement, I tried to smile back, but only managed for a millisecond. Monica stood, offering her hand to me. "Come on. Let's dance."

"What, now? Here?" I asked, taken off guard by the sudden change of subject. She nodded.

"Yeah. I didn't get to dance with you at Campy's."

I didn't want to, but I took her hand, stood. I followed her to the middle of her living room, and she turned to face me, letting go of my hand. A fast one by Def Leppard played, and we began to dance, chuckling as one tried to outdo the other. She began to twist, her arms tucked into her sides, knees together as she got lower and lower, her body twisting in the strangest way. I stopped, my hands on my hips.

"How the h.e.l.l can you twist to this?" I asked, indicting the stereo with a nod of my head. She grinned.

"All's fair in love and rock and roll." She said, her voice breathy from the exertion.

"Um, isn't that love and war? Oomph-!" my head flew back as I was suddenly pulled to her, one of her hands on my lower back, the other holding mine. She began to hum along to the fast beat of the music as she led us around the limited s.p.a.ce of the room, twirling me under her arm, then leading us back the way we had just come. I could not stop giggling as she tried to dip me, only to nearly dip us both. She helped me up, and we both tried to get our breath back as we laughed, unable to stop. G.o.d, it felt so good to laugh. Monica could always make me.

"Oh. Oh, yeah. Now here is a song to dance to." She said with a wistful smile as the beginning chords to 'I Want To Know What Love Is' by Foreigner began. "Come here." She said with a gentle smile. I felt a bit strange, but walked to her anyway. She grabbed me, and we got much in the same position as before; her hand on my back, mine on her shoulder, our other hand joined. She set a slow pace, staying with the song, and began to talk. "This used to be our song. Lee and me." She said softly.

"We can stop if-"

"No." she smiled. "No. That's over now. I really thought we had something special, though. Lee just liked to have a bit too much fun."

"That's what she said." Monica looked at me for a moment, trying to read me.

"Did you two talk about me? About us?" she asked finally.

"A little. Nothing major. She just told me that. The too much fun thing." Monica nodded acknowledgment, and pulled me in a bit closer, surprising me as she laid her head on my shoulder. I glanced around the room, not sure what I was supposed to do. So I just kept us moving.

"I really wanted to dance with you tonight." I heard muttered near my ear. "I'm sorry."

"That's okay." I said, a small nervous laugh following. "I knew you were busy." I lied. Truth of the matter, that was one of the reasons why I had wanted to go in the first place. I wanted to dance, and dance with Monica. She had been such a good friend, and invaluable in helping me prepare for college, and what I would face later on in law school. I would truly miss her, and I told her so. She lifted her head from my shoulder, a smile across her lips.

"Really?" I nodded. "I'll miss you, too. After all, who will I get to file for me?" I gave her a dirty look, which earned me a chuckle. "Just kidding. Though I will miss you, Emily." Her voice softened just a bit, and she looked into my eyes. I studied those dark irises. I felt b.u.t.terflies attack my insides, feeling as if they might try and fly right out of my chest and be free. I saw her head incline just the barest inch, and then it hit me. She was going to kiss me. My heart began to pound, my stomach beginning a series of somersaults. I tried to steady my breathing, ready myself for it. Beth was the only woman I had ever kissed like that. My G.o.d. What should I do? Say? Then I was ripped out of my fantasy as Monica backed away, her eyes wide with surprise. "Uh." She stumbled. "It's getting late, and a," she took several steps back from me. "I need to get you your going away gifts." That said, she quickly disappeared in the back of the house near the bedrooms.

I stood where I was for a moment, stunned into silence, nailed to the spot. I could still feel her breath against my face, the urgency had washed off her in waves, flowing straight to me. I swallowed as I felt my body still thrumming, trying to get under control. My G.o.d. Was I ready for this?

"Okay." My head shot up as I heard Monica's voice coming down the hall. She held two wrapped packages in her hands. "Here ya go." I shook myself out of my daze, and put a smile upon my face as I walked over to her. I took the smaller package first, wanting to save the larger one for last. I took my prize over to the couch, and tore into the colorful paper that read Good Luck in silver letters all over it. I smiled at the hand-held tape recorder. "Trust me. You'll need that." She said with a smile, nodding at the small, silver machine. I smiled my thanks, and set it aside next to me on the couch. I grabbed the other one, knowing it was a book of some sort as I tore into the paper that matched the other. I drew my brows as I held the brown leather book in my hands. The pages were tooled in gold, and in gold lettering on the front it told me that it was the first volume in a set of law books.

"Um, thanks. Should I get the others in the set from the library?"

"No. I'm giving you the whole set. I just didn't feel like wrapping a million books, thank you." I smiled, truly astonished.

"Monica." I breathed, staring up at her in awe. I knew that a set of those books were ridiculously expensive. "Why, you shouldn't, wow." She chuckled.

"They're used. My mother gave these to me when I went to college. Some of it might be a little outdated, but you can always look up the new stuff."

"My G.o.d. Thank you." I smiled from ear to ear. I was speechless. I jumped off the couch, book still in hand, and ran over to her, wrapping my arms around her neck.

"Whoa!" she exclaimed as I nearly knocked her to the ground.

"Thank you." I said over and over again. She rubbed my back, hugging me tight.

"You're welcome. Just do me proud, okay?" she pulled back from me, holding me at arms length. She looked deep into my eyes. "I really am going to miss you, Emily."

"Me, too." I said, feeling the tears stinging at the back of my eyes. Why was it that the women I most cared about seemed to walk out of my life before I was ready?