First. Part 17

"Uh, yeah." I said, still in a daze. Once she had it wrapped around the hose-stand, she turned back to, her hands wringing the water out of her shirt tail.

"Sorry, Emily." She grinned. "We've both been working so hard, and I figured we could use a break." I grinned back and began to wring my own clothes out.

"That was fun." She nodded with a smile.

I took the keys from the ignition, and opened my door, mindful of any oncoming traffic. The walk up to the large, green house was done in flagstone with bits of colored pebbles thrown into the mix of mortar. I smiled at the porch swing that swung slightly from the light breeze. I glanced up at the increasingly darkening sky. It was beginning to get cold again. I hoped a storm wasn't going to come in. Finally reaching the porch, I mounted the couple of stairs, and took a deep breath as I reached out to press the doorbell. Far off in the house I could hear chimes, and then the barking of a dog. Footsteps on hardwood floors, then the door was pulled open.

It was a hot day. Not just regular, want some ice cold lemonade hot, but let's run and hide in the air-conditioner hot. Monica and I walked down the street, doing some window shopping on Main on our way to our favorite little outside cafe to eat lunch. She was dragging me from window to window as she gawked at the different types of candles. Monica was wanting to re-decorate her house, and I was to help her.

"Oh!" I stopped, my gaze riveted on one of the most beautiful candles I'd ever seen. It was a large wolf, standing at the edge of a cliff, howling at a full moon. It was carved from ivory wax, and the detail was exquisite, down to the wolf's fur, and tail tucked between its legs. "Look at that." I breathed. I got no answer, and turned to see my friend's attention had completely gone somewhere else. Annoyed, I grabbed her sleeve. Then my eyes wondered out to the street to see what had caught her eye. My own eyes bulged in surprise. A woman was walking down the sidewalk in our direction, though she was still a good fifteen, twenty feet away. She was tall, long legs in loose-fitting worn blue jeans with matching holes in each knee. She wore a tight, ribbed black tank that showed off tanned skin, and an incredible physique. She had dark, nearly black hair, cut short, but with long bangs that flaked either side of her forehead. As she got closer, I stared into her blue eyes that seemed to glow against the reflection of the sun, and when those blue eyes crinkled in recognition, my stomach fell.

"Beth." I breathed. Monica turned to me, broken from her strange daze. "And she cut her hair." I added dumbly.

"You know her?" she asked. I nodded, sticking my hands in my pockets to stop them from fidgeting with the sudden attack of nerves I felt. As Beth got closer, I noticed that her eyes darted back and forth between me and Monica, a question in her lop-sided grin. G.o.d, she was so beautiful.

"Fancy seeing you here, Em." She said as she walked up to us, and stopped. I said nothing, but watched her as she began to watch Monica. "Hi." She said to my boss.

"h.e.l.lo." Monica said with a sweet smile. "Friend of Emily's?" I was curious to see how Beth would answer that. She glanced at me for a moment, then looked at Monica.

"We know each other." She finally said. "You're Monica from across the street." Beth said, c.o.c.king her head to the side to take in all of Monica, and her cream-colored, light-weight suit. Her eyes gazed down at her legs, and the fitted skirt to the silk, sleeveless blouse, finally to smile with a raised brow. "Right?" I watched, torn between the two, not sure I believed what I was seeing. If I didn't know better, I would have said that Beth was flirting with Monica. Was, was she flirting back? I was baffled, and felt another strange feeling wash over me. Jealousy. I was taken aback by that. No. Couldn't be.

My attention turned back to the two women standing before me, talking. "Yeah, I'm Beth Sayers. Lived next door to Em, here." Recognition seemed to dawn on Monica, and she nodded.

"Of course." She looked back at me with a smile of wonder on her face. "My G.o.d. You have definitely grown up." She said, her voice lowering just a bit.

"Well, it does tend to happen. And so have you, by the way."

They continued to talk, and I blocked them out, my own feelings like a tempest inside my head. How could I be so glad to see Beth, yet wish that she'd go away? I never in my wildest dreams saw Beth as a threat of any kind, and then at that moment, standing on the sidewalk out front of that candle shop, I saw her as just that. Why? How could I have jealousy that was aimed at Beth, and aimed at Monica? It was obvious to the most dense person that something was flying through the air with those two, yet I was not yet ready at that time to put a name to it, or to even try and identify it.

I would sneak a peek at Beth every once in a while only to find my gaze meeting blue. As always, no matter what she did, I was still always in her sights. That was both comforting, and unsettling at the same time. Old habits die hard, I guess.

"Emily?" I looked up to meet the dark gaze of my old friend and boss. I smiled, and nodded. "Oh my G.o.d." She breathed, stepping forward onto the porch to wrap me in a tight hug. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" she said against my shoulder.

"I guess I wanted to surprise you." I explained as we parted. I looked into Monica's face, now that of a woman in her mid-forties. She was still beautiful, with her shiny black hair, just the tiniest bit of gray mixed in. It was longer than it had been last I'd seen her, but looked great on her. She wore a baggy sweatshirt and matching sweats, her feet in thick, wool socks. She held me at arm's length, and looked me over.

"You look wonderful." She beamed. "My G.o.d, you've grown up." She said, shaking her head in wonder. "Come in, come in."

Monica stepped aside to allow me to enter into a large entryway, a long, narrow hall leading out from it. I looked down when I felt something by my leg, and grinned at the little Beagle that looked up at me with great big brown eyes, brown, black and white tail about to wag off.

"This is Molly." She said.

"Hey, Molly." I cooed, bending down to give the excited dog some attention. Monica led me through the large house, showing me all of the antiques she had collected over the years, and her prized collection of candles of every kind and color. The house that she had always wanted.

"You have got to meet Connie." She said, tugging me by the arm up to the third floor of the old house. As we got further up the stairs, I could hear hammering. "Honey?" she called out, leading me through a maze of rooms and doors until we finally ended up in a well-lit room filled with windows. A woman was at the far end, up on a ladder, hammering away on the rafters there.

"Connie?" Monica said, though the woman did not acknowledge. "Connie!"

"What?!" the woman almost fell off the ladder as she jerked in surprise. She put her hand to her chest, and glared at Monica. "Are you trying to kill me?" she wheezed. Monica grinned.

"Sorry, babe. I want you to meet someone. Connie, this is Emily Thomas. Emily, my partner Connie." I smiled, so glad to meet the woman who had finally been able to give my old friend what she had always wanted; love, and a steady home.

"Emily. Hi." Connie said, stepping down the rungs of the ladder, wiping her hands on her paint-stained pants. "Sorry about the mess. We're remodeling." She smiled, extending her hand.

"Not a problem." I smiled, taking her hand into a warm handshake.

"I certainly wish we were meeting under better circ.u.mstances, but I'm glad to meet you all the same." She said, covering our joined hands with her other one.

"Same here." I said, looking into her deep, blue eyes. Kind eyes. Her hair, that was swept back into a messy ponytail, with specks of white paint in it, was a deep blonde color, almost b.u.t.terscotch. Very different. She was a simple looking woman, but beautiful in that simplicity, and her good heart shone through, exuding from her like an aura.

"So where's Rebecca?" Monica asked. I turned back to her.

"She stayed and is babysitting." I said sheepishly. "She just adores kids, and Billy and Nina jumped at the opportunity." They both smiled knowingly.

"Well, let's all go downstairs and you can tell us all about life in the Big Apple."

I stood from the stack of files on the floor, and walked over to the window, looking out at the dark street, the single streetlight illuminating part of the front yard. I crossed my arms over my chest, and leaned my shoulder against the wall.

"Emily?" I heard quietly from the room behind me.

"Hmm?" I asked absently, my mind faraway.

"You okay, hon?" I could hear the concern in Monica's voice. I nodded.

"Yeah. Just thinking."

"About?"

About what indeed. I watched as two boys raced down the street, lit for just a second beneath the orange glow of the streetlight, then disappearing, only their laughter to be heard in the night still. I tried to focus in on my thoughts, to get them in order so they'd make some sort of sense to my friend. They made absolutely no sense to me. I turned away from the window.

"I'm so confused, Monica." I said quietly, my gaze locked on the coffee table.

"About." She asked again, her voice soft, encouraging.

"Remember last week, when we ran into Beth?" I asked, she nodded. I turned back to the window, not wanting to see her face as I told my story, staring at my reflection in the gla.s.s, the night turning it into a mirror. My eyes were drawn to the west as a large bolt of lightning lit the night sky, turning night into day, and making my reflection disappear for just a moment, then there I was again. "How can," I stopped, trying to find the words. "How can you miss something you never had?" I stared into the eyes in the reflection, my eyes, eyes that were transparent, the darkness just on the other side, and I wondered if the whole time had I been just as transparent? Had I known what I had wanted, but wasn't strong enough to grab it?

"What do you mean?" I heard the soft question, but did I understand the words? What did I mean?

"Beth." Was spoken almost like a prayer. "When you two were talking that day on the street, I was jealous. Not the first time the two have been in the same sentence before. Beth and jealousy." I said. "And as I watched her talk to you, I realized that the word Monica had to be added to that sentence, too." I didn't dare look at her, terrified of what implications that admission could bring up. "I was scared."

"Of what, Emily?" I heard asked, not far behind me. I still did not turn around, able to make out the hazy reflection of Monica's face behind me. I had gotten myself in that deep, might as well finish it. I would be leaving for school soon, anyway.

"Of losing either one of you. To each other." I smiled ruefully. "Silly, huh?" I finally garnered the courage to turn and face my friend. She had a look of understanding on her face, her hands buried deep into her pockets. "I don't understand this, Monica." I shrugged, showing my defeat. She smiled.

"You're so young, Emily. You have no idea how much you remind me of myself ten years ago. So ambitious, intelligent, yet utterly confused and blind. I once asked myself, how can I be so smart, yet so dumb at the same time?" she smiled in remembrance, and took a step toward me. "Emily, go to Beth. She is where your heart really lies. You look up to me, see what you want to be. Don't confuse that with something that it isn't." I could feel the sting of confused emotions behind my eyes.

"What if it's too late?" I asked. She reached out her hand, and placed it upon my cheek.

"You'll never know until you try. You've managed to get yourself this far, figure out this much. Don't quit now."

I laid in bed, staring up at the dark ceiling once more, distant thunder continued to rumble deep in the night sky. I held my trusty teddy, Ruffles to me, holding on to something that was a reminder of who I really was, of who I thought I was, and who I pretended to be. Ruffles had been through it all, had seen all the changes. He's seen all of my wishes and dreams, disappointments. Probably knew me better than I knew myself. I released my hold and turned the bear to sit up on my stomach, and stared up into his familiar, worn face.

"What do I do, Ruffles?" I asked, running a finger over the tiny line of st.i.tching where he had ripped once, and had been sewn back together for a teary-eyed five year old. "I wish you could talk, fella." With a sigh, I pulled him back to me and looked over at my closet doors where Bonnie Tyler and Olivia Newton-John smiled at me. My eyes gazed over their features, as familiar as my own, but yet somehow more beautiful that night. Olivia's big, blue eyes, and innocent smile. I could hear her voice inside my head singing 'Hopelessly Devoted To You." I chuckled low in my throat. Ironic. "What do I do, girls? Should I go after her?"

I looked to the ceiling again as my thoughts roamed to Beth. Why was I seeing it then, rather then when we had been kids? I knew deep in my gut Beth had always known what I was purposely blind to. Her heart had always been in it, and I realized at that moment just how bad I had hurt her so many times. Why had she always come back? Why hadn't she run away from me? Then I realized she had. I had kept trying to draw her back. She had been happy with Casey, spreading her wings, learning about who and what she was from someone who would accept her for what she was. Just Beth. No pressures, no expectations. Just Beth. Thus the calling of the theater. That didn't care who you were, or who you loved. All it wanted was its own due attention, and Beth could give that freely, give of herself. She knew no other way to do it. And I loved her for it. Had always loved her.

Monica gave me the day off, and I stood in front of my full-length mirror, staring at my reflection as I stood in a towel, my hand clasping the ends together. I studied my face, my eyes picking up more blue in the green color with the blue of my room surrounding me. My hair was slicked back from my face, darkened into a brownish color from the shower I had just taken. My skin was clear, my summer tan still visible. My body, though short, was well-proportioned, and compact, with narrow hips, yet full b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Slowly I opened the towel some, staring at what lay beneath. Pleased with what I saw there, I dropped the towel all together, and began to get dressed.

I took special care in what I wore that day, wearing only colors that would bring out my eyes, and the golden tones of my hair. I pulled my tight cut-offs up my freshly shaved legs, careful to not wipe the lotion off too much. I struggled into my snug-fitting baby-doll tank, and pulled it down over my torso, just the barest bit of my stomach showing. I took a deep breath as I watched the outfit coming together, keeping a careful eye out for any imperfection. I ran my hands through my dried hair, letting it fall lose around my shoulders, wisps teasing my neck. I slid my bare feet into white Keds, and studied the finished product. I had to admit, I looked d.a.m.n good. I applied the tiniest amount of gloss, and grabbed my keys. I was ready. Ready to finally tell her how I felt, what I wanted.

The Rogers Theater was in the center of town, an old, two-story building that had once been a library. The sculpted molding around the edges, and the Roman columns gave it a historic feel. Truly a beautiful building. I walked up the long staircase, my stomach in my throat as I finally reached the large, heavy double doors. The theater was kept dark, the whir of fans filling the near silent s.p.a.ce. I looked around, trying to find anyone helpful. Or just anyone at all, for that matter. I found my way to the auditorium, the house lights completely off to keep the heat level down, the lights on the stage making the actor's feel like fast food as it was.

I stood in the back, and watched the rehearsal for a moment, chuckling at the antics of some of the characters. Seeing my fill, and wanting to get on with why I was there, I walked down the long, slanted aisle toward the stage, looking for someone who was not busy. I smiled when I saw a girl sitting in the front row, her legs stretched out in front of her, her eyes glued to the stage. I stopped a few feet from her, and cleared my throat. She glanced over at me with her eyes, raising impatient brows.

"Hi." I said, she continued to glare. "Um, have you seen Beth Sayers?"

"Yeah." She said, turning her eyes back to the stage.

"You have seen her?" I asked, trying to prompt her.

"Yeah, several times." I rolled my eyes.

"Where is she?" I tried to keep the impatience out of my voice. Without taking her eyes from the stage, she reached her arm back behind her, pointing in the general direction of the back of the auditorium. I hurried in that direction, not sure where to look, but figured it was a starting place.

I walked along the back wall, the window of the lighting booth above me, then spotted an EXIT sign just ahead. I pushed the door open, to find myself in a long, cinderblock hallway with harsh, fluorescent lights above. Quite a change from the darkness of the theater. I squinted for a moment until my eyes could adjust. When they did, I stopped dead in my tracks.

Down toward the end of the hall were two figures, two women. One was pushed against the lime-painted wall, the other pressed up against her. The one against the wall was a beautiful woman with short, fiery red hair, and the other one was Beth. I watched as they smiled at each other, rapt up in a conversation too low for me to hear, and then they kissed, long and deep. The red head had wondering hands, slipping underneath Beth's shirt, or in her hair. Beth pulled the woman to her, her hands finding the woman's rear-end.

I was left speechless, wanting to find a hole, and crawl in, never to come out again. I felt like such a fool. I quietly turned, wanting to slink away, Beth never knowing I had ever been there.

"Em?" I cringed, stopping just short of the door. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath before I turned around. Beth had disentangled herself from the redhead, and had taken a couple of steps toward where I stood. I looked at her, unable to say anything. She smiled in confusion, and took another step. "What are you doing here?" the redhead watched me with curious eyes, still leaning against the wall. I turned back to Beth, the question still heavy in the air.

"I, well, I um. I saw you were in the play, and so I wanted to come by and, well, I wanted to tell you, to," My mind was a mess, which was starting to flow out of my mouth. I stopped myself, took another deep breath, then looked into her eyes again. She was confused, and I couldn't tell if she was also amused or annoyed. "I wanted to tell you that I, well, that." I took yet another deep breath. "I wanted to come by and say goodbye." She blinked, taken aback.

"Goodbye?" she repeated the word, tasting it on her tongue.

"Yes." I said, my heart breaking. "I'm leaving for Boulder on Sat.u.r.day, and wanted to wish you luck on your play," I glanced at the redhead, "and everything." She smiled slightly, but I could not read her at all. She had totally blocked herself off. I had never hit a brick wall with Beth, and found it extremely disconcerting.

"Oh." She said quietly. "I'm glad you did. Good luck to you, too." I smiled weakly and nodded, turning away again, heading for the door. "Em?" I glanced at her over my shoulder. "Don't I even rate a hug?" she asked quietly. I felt my chest expand suddenly, my emotions wanting to explode out in relief and regret. I turned, and walked toward her as she walked to me. She reached for me, pulling me to her in a bone-crushing hug. I wrapped my arms around her neck, as hers wrapped around my waist. I could feel her breath against my neck, her body against mine, and closed my eyes as I felt a tremendous sense of loss already, and she was in my arms. I felt her hand move up to cup the back of my head, and the softest kiss against the side of my neck before she slowly released me. She smiled down at me, the old Beth, the Beth that I knew inside and out, then without a word she let me go, and turned to walk back to the redhead. I wanted to watch as long as I could, but my feet had other ideas. Before I knew what was happening, I was out on the sidewalk, headed for my Jeep.

I sat behind the steering wheel, my hand on my chest as it continued to expand until I thought I would burst. Without warning, I grabbed the wheel in a death-grip with shaking hands as my emotions did explode, and the overflow slipped from my eyes to soak through the thin material of my shirt, the spot getting bigger and bigger as the flood kept coming.

PART 8.

"I NEVER THOUGHT I knew what love could be, but now I find out." Blue eyes stared in wonder, eyes that were full of life and pa.s.sion. "I was such a fool, and I pray that you can forgive me. Someday."

My eyes were filled with tears as I shot to my feet, my hands stinging as I clapped, my heart in my throat. The curtains closed, and I felt the impact of Beth's last words. .h.i.t my heart yet again. She had touched me, and as I looked around, I could see that I had not been the only one. The curtains opened again as the large cast took their curtain calls. Beth finally came out, her smile wide and satisfied. It always had amazed me that no matter how many plays she did, Beth never lost that look of wonderment, and awe. As if realizing for the first time that she could evoke that strong of a reaction out of a group of total strangers.

Beth was looking around in the darkness at the faces that I knew were dark and foreign to her. Wanting to beat the crowd, I stepped out of my aisle seat, and headed out of the theater.

The warm summer night air hit my face with a soft, comforting touch, cooling the drying trails on my cheeks. I walked to my Jeep with a deep sense of gratification. I had wanted to see Beth on stage just once more. She was still as stunning as ever, and only just got better.

I felt very sad then, my heart heavy as I sat behind the wheel. Just two days ago I had been sitting in that very place, crying like I had never cried before. Crying for all the what-ifs, and the missed chances, lost forever. I knew that, and just had to learn to accept it. Beth had waited as long as she could, but could not put her life on hold forever. I didn't blame her. But still.....

I stuck the key into the ignition, and the Jeep roared to life.

I had sat in the living room talking with Monica and Connie for a couple of hours, catching up on their lives, and them catching up on mine and Rebecca's, when there was a lull in conversation. I sat in my chair sipping my coffee, thinking about the next day. I knew it was going to be extremely difficult, and part of me dreaded it deeply.

"Emily, walk with me." Monica said finally, dragging me from my thoughts. I looked up at her, and without a word I set my cup aside, and stood. "Hang on. Be right back." She disappeared up the stairs, and I pulled my coat on. Moments later, I heard the sound of feet coming down the long staircase, and followed my friend as she led the way to the front door after kissing Connie gently.

We stepped out into the late afternoon, the air crisp, and much colder than when I'd arrived earlier in the day.

"I sure hope it doesn't snow." Monica said as we headed toward the sidewalk, glancing up at the iron-gray sky. I nodded.

"Me, too."

"I'm so glad you came, Emily." She said, smiling at me as she shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket.

"I am, too. This has been a tough trip, though." I admitted. I knew that I could tell her what was on my mind, and how I really felt about things. She would not judge me. She never had. "I should have come back a long time ago, Monica." I said quietly. "It was very selfish and pretentious of me not to. I see that now."

"Don't be too hard on yourself." She said, just as quietly.

"No, Monica. I had no idea my brother had three kids!" I exclaimed, stopping her with a hand on her arm. She looked at me with sympathetic eyes. "What kind of a sister does that make me? What kind of an aunt?"

"A very busy one." I chuckled softly.

"That's a good excuse, though I'm afraid it has grown old and thin."

"Sometimes we can get our priorities all messed up and backwards. It happens to the best of us." We were both quiet as we continued to walk on. "Beth came to see me last year, Emily." I turned to glance at her. "She came home." I nodded.

"I know. She told me." I almost whispered.

"She gave me something for you."

"What?" I asked, my voice soft with surprise. Monica stopped us again, unzipped her jacket a bit, reaching inside to pull out an envelope. She handed it to me, and numbly I took it. I turned it over in my hands, seeing my name scrawled on the front in her usual large, bold writing. It simply read: To Em. I could only stare, not sure what to do. I knew that I didn't want to open it up then. I was not ready.

"Are you okay?" I heard whispered near my ear. I nodded, unable to speak for fear I might choke on whatever I might say.

We were closing up the office early in honor of my leaving the next day. Monica wanted to so something special for me, but I had to chose what it was.

"I told you, Emily, it's your choice." She said for the tenth time. I closed the blinds around the office, and turned back to her as she locked up her desk, and threw some papers into her briefcase. I drew my brows, frustrated. I didn't know what I wanted to do. There really weren't any good movies out that I hadn't already seen with her, and I wasn't hungry. I stopped in my tracks, an idea hitting me like the preverbal brick wall. I turned to her, my hand on my hip, my head c.o.c.ked to the side in curiosity.

"Would you take me to that place?" Monica looked up, one brow raised.

"Care to be a little more specific?" she drawled.

"That one place. That bar." She stood and stared at me for a moment "You mean Campy's?" I nodded. "Oh, Emily, I don't know." I walked over to her, leaning on the desk, giving her my most beseeching look. She looked up at me and grinned, rolling her eyes. "What's the puppy-dog eyes for?"

"I want to go." I said simply. She continued to stare at me.