First. Part 19

I stopped the rental car just in front of my parent's house, seeing Billy's truck in the drive. I tapped my fingers on the wheel, unsure what to do. I really did not yet want to go in. There was still so much more I needed to clarify within myself. So much more history I needed to dig through before I could face the next day. I needed to face Beth with understanding, and remembrance.

Making my decision, I headed for the park. I zipped my heavy winter jacket against the bitter cold that tried to get inside, blowing my hair around my face. I tucked my hands into my coat pockets, headed for the swings. I had to chuckle to myself at how small everything felt to me. The swings never seemed to sit that low to the ground, and surly those black, rubber seats were wider than that?

I pushed off with my booted feet, feeling the slight breeze blow against me as I gained alt.i.tude. I stared up into the gray sky, watching as it got closer, then farther away, only to get closer again. Maybe if I just reached out, I could touch it. I smiled as I did just that, my gloved hand reaching for the unattainable that was so deceptively close. Just like reaching for the stars. So close, yet so terribly far.

The morning sun rushed in at me, making me squeeze my tortured eyes shut, groaning into the new day. I had stayed at Monica's far too late the night before. I opened one eye, and looked at the clock, only to groan again. d.a.m.n. I had wanted to be on my way out by that time. Finally with a sigh, I rolled over and sat up, rubbing my eyes. As I opened them again and looked around my room, it suddenly occurred to me that that had been the last night I would spend there for quite a while. The realization hit me in the stomach. I glanced over to the corner of the room and saw my bags, packed the day before. Ready to go. Ready for me to go. I looked around the room again, seeing all my posters still hanging where they'd been for a few years, the same faces greeting me every single morning, the last faces I'd see every single night. I glanced over to my unicorn collection, realizing that I hadn't added to it for quite a few years. Just sort of forgot about it.

I stood from the bed, stretching my arms over my head with a strange half-yawn, half-groan. Finally getting myself together, I headed for the bathroom to shower.

Monica had told me to stop by her place on my way out of town to pick up the books. I hoped I would have room for them in my dorm room. My Jeep was loaded, all my worldly possessions crammed into every available s.p.a.ce. I stood in the living room, one parents both flanking me on either side.

"You sure you don't want us to go with you, honey?" my mom asked, her shaky voice just on this side of all out bawling. I shook my head.

"I'm sure. You guys have more important things to do then waste three hours driving to Boulder with me.

"Well, you know it's really no trouble." My father chimed in. I smiled and hugged him.

"Thanks, dad. I'll be fine." Even as I said that, I had to wonder if they would. I pulled away from him and kissed his cheek. He smiled down at me, saying with his expressive eyes all that he couldn't in words. I nodded, our silent communication complete. I turned to my mother, knowing I had to stay strong for her. She was already battling her emotions, and I knew if mine slipped even just a little, that would be it, and she'd be a puddle. "I love you, mom." I said, hugging her to me. I felt her body jerk as she swallowed in a sob. My own tears began to burn in my throat. I pulled away, a solid smile on my lips. "I'll be home before you know it for Christmas." I said with exaggerated enthusiasm. My parents nodded silently. With one more round of hugs, I climbed into my Jeep.

"Morning." Monica smiled, a cup of coffee in her hand as she answered the door.

"G.o.d, how can you drink that stuff." I muttered. She chuckled.

"Give it time. You'll be downing the stuff like it's water." She stepped away from the door, allowing me to enter. "Come on in, grumpy." I hissed at her, and she laughed. "Your books are in the spare bedroom." Together we managed to load the three boxes into my Jeep, and it was time for me to go. We stood by Monica's front door, neither of us wanting to say goodbye. Finally she smiled, and grabbed me for a hug. "Good luck, Emily. I know you'll do so well." She said into my hair. I nodded, holding her just as tight, my eyes closed. She gently pulled away from me, and looked at me. "I have one more gift for you." She said quietly. I stared at her, the b.u.t.terflies from the night before returning to my stomach. She smiled softly, seeming to sense my nervousness. She placed a hand on either side of my face, and took a step closer. "I don't think you give yourself enough credit, Emily." She said. I could only stare. "I think you are ready. Whenever you doubt yourself, think of this." She moved in, her eyes closing as she leaned in, my eyes closing instinctively as she touched my lips softly with her own, like the wings of those b.u.t.terflies. Simple, but entirely pleasant. She drew back from me, my eyes slowly opening to see her smiling at me. "Good luck Emily." She whispered. "I'll miss you."

I pressed my fingers to my lips as I drove the long, straight highway that would take me to college. I could still feel Monica's kiss, the softness, the tenderness. Maybe she was right, and I was ready. My thoughts inevitably turned to Beth. I had replayed the scene at the theater in my mind so many times. Each time it turned out different. My favorite one was where she turned to me, her back to the redhead against the wall, and smiled that c.o.c.ky little smile of hers, and told me that she was glad I had finally come to my senses. She had taken me in her arms, just as she had the redhead, and it had been her lips against mine; not Monica's. She had kissed me the way she had at my aunt's funeral. Deep, filled with pa.s.sion and love. Then my thoughts stopped. Did Beth love me? The way I loved her? Or thought I did, anyway. I had been so confused at that time, I didn't know much of anything, and in all honesty had been glad to head off to Boulder, away from Pueblo. Too much drama, and too much to try and figure out at nineteen.

I sat with my head leaning against the cold chain, the swing just barely moving, my feet moving in the cold, hard dirt as I brought those days back. Getting to Boulder, and the CU campus. What an amazing time, and I had not even realized it. That whole hindsight thing. I sighed as I realized just how simple life had been then. Go to cla.s.s, do homework, attempt to get enough sleep and live off of Ramen noodles, and PBJ. How hard could it be?

I gripped the pen tighter between my teeth as I growled when the shade fell into my hands again.

"Od amit!" I exclaimed around my Bic, nearly falling backwards off my chair. I reclaimed my balance, and attempted to reach up again, my brows drawn in concentration. I glanced out the window of my third floor dorm, seeing all the people walking around down below. I wondered if any of them could see me standing practically kissing the gla.s.s. I managed to get one of the side pegs into the hole, then began to struggle with the other side. I held my breath as I got it close, standing on my tip toes. Being short sucked sometimes. With a victorious whoop, I stepped back, wiping the saliva off my chin that had squeezed out around the pen.

"Nice going."

"Ah!" I screamed, falling back against the window, and the shade, crying out again as it fell on top of my head. I spit out the Bic, and peeked out from under the shade. My roommate, Dana laid on her bed, her hands behind her head, legs bent and spread. She grinned at me. "d.a.m.nit, Dana!" I exclaimed, throwing the shade to the floor. "Don't do that!" I stood on the chair to my desk, my hands in fists, fists on my hips.

"Oh, you are just too cute when you're mad, Embo."

"Yeah, well you should know. Lord knows you p.i.s.s me off enough." I hopped down from the chair. "And don't call me Embo. How many times do I have to tell you?" I plopped down on my own bed, back against the wall, legs hanging off. I was thoroughly exhausted from the exertion of hanging the shade. Well, re-hanging it. Again. I got mad all over again when I realized that I would have to hang it yet again. "I should make you hang that thing back up, Dana."

"You can try and make me." She said, wiggling her eyebrows. I shook my head.

"Give it up. Not gonna sleep with you."

"Why not?" she sat up, her hands resting on her knees. She blew her long, blonde bangs out of her eyes and smiled. "You just might enjoy it." she said, her voice low and teasing. I glared.

"Right. That'll happen." She laid back down with a quick raise of her light brows.

"I know." I stared at her for a moment as she stared up at the ceiling that she had plastered posters of naked women on. I could almost see those wheels turning. I took her in, her long legs clad in torn blue jeans, her scuffed, worn sneakers. The sweater she wore that day was actually hole-free. I was impressed. Dana had been my roomy for the last three months, and had yet to cease amazing me. I often wondered just what exactly she was doing there at CU. She never went to cla.s.s, never ever opened a book. In fact, I was not even sure that she had ever even bought a book for a cla.s.s. I knew she was not a stupid person. Far from it. She just had a little too much partying to do.

I shook my head sadly and stood. "I have a study group to go to. See you later." I grabbed my backpack from the floor by the closet, and slung it over a shoulder. I glanced at her at the door. She had not moved. With a shrug, I left. As I headed across campus for the library, I thought of my strange, obstinate roommate. The first day I had met her had certainly been an adventure. I had just gotten to campus, and after many tries, had found the building where my dorm was. She was already there, her things strewn all across the room. She had been sitting on her bed wearing just a pair of extremely brief underwear, and a tiny bra, her legs folded Indian-style, her hands on her knees, her eyes closed. I had stopped in the door, my arms loaded with my own stuff, and had stared. I was not sure if I was interrupting something, or, what.

"Enter, you s.e.xy thing." She had said, her eyes still closed. I stared at her, taken aback.

"Excuse me?" I had taken a step into the room.

"Why certainly." She said with a winning smile. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or run screaming. Though Dana was definitely a laugh a minute at times, I wondered if perhaps the latter would have been wiser.

"Emily? h.e.l.lo, earth to Emily?"

"Huh?" I snapped my head up, staring wide-eyed at my study partner, Katherine. She was grinning at me, a question in her eyes.

"Where'd you go?" she asked, turning the page of her bio-chem book.

"Sorry." I shook my head to clear it. "What were you saying?" I also turned the page in my own text, trying to figure out where we were.

"I said that you took really great notes. The ones I copied?" I nodded, finally with it. "You ready for this test? I've heard it's a real b.i.t.c.h."

I listened on as Katherine prattled on about the cla.s.s, and the professor, and the test. Well, I listened sort of. My mind flew back to Dana. Should I just give in to her? She was certainly persistent. One night when I had found her in a semi-serious mood, I began to ask her questions. Questions, which to my detriment, got her asking me to sleep with her on a daily basis. I wanted to know what it was like, the life of a lesbian. If that was what I was, I wanted to know before hand. What was I in for? I still could not say clearly in my own mind if that were the case with me or not. I thought it was, but just could not get myself to tell me if it was so. Dana saw different people constantly. Never staying with the same girl. I never understood this. She said it was simply trying all the different flavors. Certainly more information than I had needed, but I guess I understood.

I walked down the hall of the dorm, stopping to get a Dr. Pepper out of the machine first. When I opened the door, I froze. Dana laid on her bed in much the same position she'd been in when I'd left; legs bent and spread, one hand behind her head. But this time, she didn't have a st.i.tch of clothing on. I watched in part horror, and part wonder as her other hand moved between her legs, dipping and moving. I could not stop my eyes from trailing up from her hand to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s that moved up and down with her slow, easy breathing. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s were small, but firm, the light brown nipples erect. I was utterly transfixed, and had no idea what to do. Part of me wanted to leave, yet I couldn't move. My eyes were ripped from her body when I heard her speak.

"Hey. Was just thinking about you." I stared at her smile, suddenly seeing that mouth in an entirely different way. "You look like a deer caught in the headlights, there, Embo." She husked.

"Don't call me Embo." I muttered, my voice soft and deep, sounding like some dream. I barely recognized it. I suddenly became flooded with heat as embarra.s.sment set in. "I'm sorry. I'll go-"

"No," Dana pulled her hand away from herself, and sat up. "Don't. Come here." She whispered. Utterly void of thought, I dropped my backpack, and walked over to her bed, sitting down next to her, my hands in my lap, not daring to look at her. The mere heat that radiated off her was almost scorching me. "Don't be nervous, Emily." She said into my ear, her fingers pushing my hair back off my shoulder before it strayed to my chin. She tipped my face toward her, and I finally met her eyes. They were heavy from arousal, and I had to gasp at that look. She grinned. "I have you know? Been thinking about you."

"Why?" I asked, my voice a bit stronger, but still a bit breathy.

"Because you, dear Emily, are scrumptious. I want you. I want this." She ran her fingers down my neck, and dipped them just below the collar of my sweatshirt. "May I?" she asked, a small smile playing across her lips. Dumbly I nodded. Her smile got wider, and she leaned in, kissed me.

I laid there, the room dark and cool in the early November night. Thanksgiving break would start I just over two weeks. I could feel Dana sleeping next to me, me on my back, her on her side. One arm was draped over my stomach as she slept. I thought about what we had just done. I didn't regret it. I was glad it had happened. It had certainly helped me to figure out more about myself, to be sure about myself. So much made sense to me at that moment. A sense of clarity I had never experienced.

Once again my thoughts turned to Beth. Why couldn't it have been her who had kissed me like that? Touched me like that? Made me feel like that? I sighed. It had been her at one time. I had not been ready. Why had we come to terms with who and what we were at such drastically different times? I sighed again as I turned to my side, Dana scooting up behind me, her body pressed against mine. I closed my eyes as I imagined in my mind that it was Beth who lay with me. It was her body that spooned my own. I was too young for regrets, but I sure had them. As I felt warm breath against the back of my shoulder, I thought that perhaps it was just time to let Beth go. There was nothing I could do about the past, and she had her own life back in Pueblo, filled with new people. She didn't need a bleeding heart around. I loved Beth, and I knew she loved me, always would. But all the same, things had changed, and sometimes you just can't change them back, no matter how badly you want to. It was time to let Beth go. Begin new in Boulder, discovering more of the woman that had been revealed that day with Dana. See what she had to offer.

The day was getting colder, the iron heavens beginning to spit snow. I glanced up, catching a spiraling flake on my tongue. The park was completely deserted, and suddenly I felt so alone. I stood from the swing, my hips hurting from being shoved against the confines of the rubber seat so long. How on earth did children pull off half the things they did?

I walked through the gra.s.s that crunched under my boots, headed for my car when I thought back once again. I had never imagined that a single event could change a person. After that night with Dana, I had come into my own, wanting to see just exactly what kind of stuff I was made of. What I wanted in the new-found woman. In short, I went nuts.

Dana had made very clear to me that she was not even remotely interested in a relationship with me. If we happen to do the occasional tumble, that was fine, but nothing else. I was hurt at first, but then once I realized the possibilities, I was fine with that, too. And the occasional tumble we did. If neither of us had a date on a Friday night, we'd make our date. We actually became very good friends, sharing very intimate conversations. I guess having s.e.x on a semi-regular basis with someone will do that. Don't get me wrong, I was not a player by any means. I stayed completely faithful to whomever I was dating. It's just that on a college campus as liberal as CU, Boulder, it was tough finding women who lived by the same principle.

My first year in college flew by, dedicating myself wholly to academic excellence, and the pursuit of women. I wanted to try and understand this attraction I had to its fullest extent. I had made some wonderful friends, and was having a ball as the middle of my second year rolled around.

I had promised my friend, Patty, that I would help her at the career fair we had every spring. High school seniors, or just curious students could go to the different career booths we had set up. I hated doing those, as I had been bribed into it both springs so far. I did not like it either time, and hated being such a sap I could not say no.

"This sucks." I muttered as we sat at our booth. How many people are there out in the world who really feel the need to find out about, and pick up brochures on accounting? I knew there were some, but not that day, obviously. "We have not had one bite yet." I glared at her.

"Oh, come on. You're doing your duty to the school." She replied, re-straightening the straightened pile of brochures.

"I pay them a lot of money every semester. Now that is doing my duty to the school." I pouted. "G.o.d, wasting an entire Sat.u.r.day for this. I could be studying right now." I sat back in my chair, my arms crossed over my chest.

"That doesn't sound like too much fun." My head slowly rose from its position against my chest, and my mouth fell open. Wearing an old pair of black jeans, a tank with a flannel, and a backpack slung over a shoulder, stood Beth.

PART 9.

"I PAY THEM a lot of money every semester. Now that is doing my duty to the school." I pouted. "G.o.d, wasting an entire Sat.u.r.day for this. I could be studying right now." I sat back in my chair, my arms crossed over my chest.

"That doesn't sound like too much fun." My head slowly rose from its position against my chest, and my mouth fell open. Wearing an old pair of black jeans, a tank with a flannel, and a backpack slung over a shoulder, stood Beth.

I could only stare. Who would have thought. Beth. She grinned at me, that familiar twinkle in her blue eyes.

"Careful. You'll catch flies that way." My mouth closed with an audible snap.

"What are you doing here?" I finally managed. Patty looked on, from me to Beth and back.

"What does it look like?" she said, running her hand up the strap of her backpack. "I happened to see you in here from the door there." I had not yet regained my thoughts enough to do more than nod. She chuckled. "Listen, I can see you're busy here. When do you get done? Maybe we can go get some coffee?" she asked, the tiniest bit of hope in her voice. Again I nodded.

"Well, I'm stuck here until five, but-"

"Hey, I can wait." she said, shrugging the pack down her arm, and setting it on the table with a loud thud.

"Just go, Emily. I really don't think I'm going to get bombarded, or anything." I turned to my friend, and stared. I really didn't know how to react to this. I felt silly, and like a child. I looked back up at Beth, almost as if to see with my own eyes that she had not disappeared, and was indeed still standing there. Then I felt a tiny spurt of anger surge through me, taking me by surprise.

The last time I had seen her had been at the theater with that red head. Well, at least the last time she'd seen me. It all came back to me, the hope and fear that had mixed in my chest, spurring me on to do what at the time had seemed the right thing; tell her that I loved her, and wanted to be with her. The way she had wanted to be with me. But, I had been too late. Too late.

As I stared up at her at that moment, I realized just how much I had missed just her presence in my life. Though I had vowed two years ago to forget about her, and just tie up all loose ends. It had been a time in my life, a time that she had been a very big part of, but that had been over, and was time to move on. Then, as my past stood there, staring me in the face, I knew that would never be possible to forget about Beth, and I had been a fool to think otherwise.

I sat on the closed lid of the toilet, a towel wrapped around my body, the ends held together in my fist. I stared out the frosted-gla.s.s window in the shower, not able to see anything clearly, just the light from the morning. I knew that the sky was gray, like iron. A storm was due later in the evening. That was fine by me. Perhaps a little snow would do me good. Coincide with my heart that felt like a lump of ice in my chest.

I took a deep breath, crossing my legs at the ankles, feeling the cool porcelain of the toilet against my shower-heated skin. A small shiver pa.s.sed down my spine. Tearing my eyes away from the window, I squeezed them shut, trying to shut out what they so badly wanted to do. I could feel the stinging behind my lids, the tightness in my throat. Never in my life did I think I'd have to face such a day, nor had I any clue how difficult it really would be. At that moment I wanted to just find some deep, dark cave, curl up, and cry. I felt my lips part as I whispered one word.

"Beth."

The cafe was nearly empty. That time of day was good to go, I knew this from many, many months of experience. I often went to The C Ground, just to get away from the school, study, or whatever. Beth followed behind me as I led us to my usual table way in the back of the place, in the corner. I took my regular seat, tipping my chair back against the corner where the two walls met. She sat across from me, grinning at my childish antics.

"What?" I asked, my whole body jolted as the front two legs of the chair landed solidly onto the tile. "Ow."

"Nothing. I've missed you, Em." She said, her voice low. I stared at her, my mouth open. "There you go again. You majoring in fly-catching?" I chuckled lightly, and shook my head.

"No. I guess I'm just a bit shocked to see you here, is all. Who would have guessed?" I waved to Barney, my usual waiter, and he walked over to us.

"Hey, ladies." He said, smiling and lifting his brows at Beth. I had to stop myself from grinning. Barney flirted with anything in a skirt, but was he ever barking up the wrong tree. Beth glanced up at him with vacant eyes, and raised a brow. I put my hand in front of my mouth, chewing on my lower lip as I watched.

"Yes?" Beth drawled at Barney's continuous stare. He seemed to get the drift as he cleared his throat, and looked over at me.

"The usual, squirt?" he asked. I glared. I then turned the glare on Beth when I heard her laugh. She sobered, giving me that innocent look that I realized just how much I had missed. I had missed everything about her.

"Call me that again, Barney, and you'll be missing a very integral part of your ident.i.ty." I smiled sweetly up at him. He rolled his eyes, and walked off before turning around only to stand back next to our table.

"I, um, forgot to get your orders."

I felt Beth's eyes on me as I looked at her, that familiar gleam in those baby blues, telling me I had done well. I smiled. I had missed that silent communication, too. Never needing to say a word.

I finally stood from the toilet lid, unwrapping the towel, and drying my skin that was still dotted with drops of water. I stared at my reflection in the mirror after swiping a hand across its smooth surface. I stared at myself, my hair turned dark from the water, my eyes very green from the emotion that lay just behind. I had to be strong, I knew that. I just wished I knew how.

People were beginning to flow into the cafe in earnest. The sun was going down on that Sat.u.r.day, Beth and I still sitting across from each other. I sipped from my coffee cup, the hot fluid sliding down my throat, engulfing my stomach with heat. Beth narrowed her eyes, staring at my hands. I raised my brows in question.

"You hate that stuff." She said, nodding at the cup. I glanced down, confused, then it came to me what she was saying.

"Never." I smiled. "Are you kidding me? I owe my sanity and my grades to this stuff." I sipped to prove my point all the more, smacking my lips together. She shook her head, one of her trademark smiles firmly in place. "So," I said, taking a bite of my cheeseburger. "After you spent that summer in Wyoming, what did you do? Where did you go? And why did you leave in the first place?"

"Well, after I left Cheyenne, I drove that old rickety pick-up back into Colorado. I went to Denver, and I left because I was sick of the place. I was tired of roaming from one place to the other. When I got back to Denver it occurred to me to," she sighed as she stared out toward the door to the place, her eyes a million miles away. "I wanted to get my life going, settle in somewhere." Her eyes then turned to me, "You know I didn't graduate?" she asked, her voice quiet, almost ashamed. I nodded.

"Yeah. I know." I said just as quietly. Her eyes left mine, staring down at the remains of her pancakes.

"I'm tired of running from things, Em. I'm tired of running from me."

I b.u.t.toned the last b.u.t.ton on my silk blouse, running my hands down the front, feeling the smooth silk under my fingertips. I stared at my reflection in the mirror over the dresser in my old bedroom. I flipped my hair back over my shoulder, wanting to wear it down. Beth always liked it down. I ran my hands down over my hips that were covered by the black material of my black slacks. The final touch would be the jacket that went with the suit. I wore black heels. My face was somewhat pale, so I applied just the barest touch of make-up, a light lipstick. I was ready to go. Well, that is to say I was dressed. I would never be ready to go.

I slipped my arms through the sleeves of the jacket, and picked up my purse, headed for the closed door to the bedroom.

"Can I ask you a question?"

I looked at Beth for a moment, almost afraid of what it would be.

"Sure." I said, holding my breath. I wasn't sure why I was nervous, but just was.

"You came out, didn't you?" I stared at her, seeing those half-hooded eyes, she knew the answer to her own question, but wanted to hear what I would say. I decided not to be coy.

"How did you know?" she shrugged.

"There's a confidence about you, a sense of self that you didn't have before. It's like you are who you are, and don't give a s.h.i.t what anyone else says or thinks. It looks good on you." She smiled. I stared, then smiled, too.

Rebecca met me in the hall just before the stairs. She looked beautiful in a black skirt suit, green silk blouse, her long red hair bound on top of her head, small ringlets falling around her face and neck. I smiled when I saw her.

"You ready?" she asked. I stifled a small chuckle. Had been asking myself that question all day. I nodded. Ready as I'd ever be.

The drive back to campus was a quiet one. I drove Beth to her dorm building, which was next to mine, and we sat in the Jeep, neither of us speaking. We had sat at the cafe for nearly four hours, and had covered so much ground. I felt at peace with her, as if were we to never see each other again after that night, I would not have felt any regrets or hurt any longer. Beth had explained to me that the girl at the theater had meant nothing, just a fling. She had not had any real steady relationships in the last two years, was just trying to keep moving. Trying to figure out who she was, and where she was headed.

"I decided school was it. I want to make something out of myself." She had said. I felt so much pride at that moment. As we sat in the dark Jeep, she stared out the windshield when she said, "You know why I chose CU?" she turned to me then. I shook my head. "I saw you that night in the theater. You got up before everyone else, and I saw you. You walked out through the rear exit door, and out of my life." I stared in awe.

"You saw me?" I asked, shocked. She nodded. "But it was so dark. How could you," she shrugged.

"I don't know. I think it was mainly I recognized the way you move, the way you walk. It was just a gut feeling, I guess."

"Yeah, I was there. Had to see the show. I've never missed a production of yours, Beth. Wasn't going to start then. Or now. You are in the drama department, right?" she nodded with a small smile and a nod.