Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 18

When introduced to a gentleman by means of a letter of introduction from a mutual friend, it is essential that the recipient return the call within three days. This holds true also if it is a lady who presents the letter of introduction. Gentlemen who are invited to b.a.l.l.s, dinners, theater parties, garden parties, etc., are expected to make calls within ten days or two weeks, even though they do not accept the invitation.

THE INVALID'S CALL

An invalid may return calls by sending a daughter or a close friend in her stead. A sister may also make calls for an invalided woman. When a member of society is an invalid, with no daughters or sisters, and with no very intimate friends, she may issue cards or notes through the mails if she wishes to keep up her social activities.

A daughter of an invalid calls upon all her mother's friends, introduces herself, and explains why she is appearing in her mother's place. Or she may just leave her mother's card, with her own name and a word of explanation written above it. The latter method is undoubtedly the most satisfactory.

A person who is invalided temporarily may send cards in answer to the courtesies of friends or she may allow her daughter to a.s.sume her social responsibilities. Usually because of the heavy demands which society places upon one she goes back to her round of calls, teas, receptions, etc., gradually rather than all at once. Friends are always considerate under such circ.u.mstances and etiquette never exacts more than one can possibly do.

ASKING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE TO CALL

You cannot, except under special conditions, invite people to your home unless you have called on them in formal manner and they have returned the visit. A young woman, and an unmarried woman, wait for an invitation to call from an older woman and matron. It is not advisable for a young woman to ask a gentleman to call until she has met him several times and is quite sure that she wishes to develop his friendship. A woman never calls upon a gentleman except on a business mission, in which case she may not discuss social or domestic topics. A married woman does not leave a card for an unmarried man unless she has been to a reception at his house; then she leaves one of her own cards with one of her husband's.

It is expected of a young matron or of a _debutante_ that she request being permitted to call upon an elderly matron or old lady after the two have met at a watering-place or in the home of a mutual friend, and after having exchanged cards. A gentleman who wishes to call upon a young girl he admires, first asks permission of the lady's mother, being quite certain, of course, that his visit would be agreeable to the young lady herself. To ask permission of the mother is to convey a very distinct compliment to both women, and reflects culture and breeding upon the character of the young man himself.

When asking a gentleman to call it is sufficient to say, "Mother and I will be at home Wednesday at three o'clock, Mr. Blank. I hope you will come to see us," or, "I should be very glad to have you visit me, Mr.

Blank. Mother and I are usually at home in the evenings."

In some sections of the country it is customary for the gentleman to ask permission to call upon a young lady, rather than for the young lady to request him to call. He may say, "Miss Blank, I hope I may call on you sometime before very long," or "I would like to call upon you at your home, Miss Blank. May I call some evening when you and your mother are at home?"

THE WOMAN'S BUSINESS CALL

A woman may call on a man only for business purposes. In this case the man is usually her clergyman, editor, lawyer, physician or merchant, and the call is made during office hours.

The woman who is making a business call does not usually send in a visiting card, but merely gives her name to the attendant. She states her business briefly, remembering to avoid all personal, social or domestic topics not essential to the furtherance of the matter in hand.

If it is necessary for a woman to call upon a man at his home, she must be accompanied by a male relative, or by a woman older than herself.

This holds true only when she is entirely unacquainted with the members of the man's family, and is only acquainted with the man himself through business interests. She does not send up her cards, merely her name, and she makes her visit as short as possible. When a woman calls at a bachelor apartment or at a gentleman's studio it is an unimpeachable law of etiquette that she be correctly chaperoned.

Etiquette also bars a woman from visiting a gentleman's club, even for the purpose of seeing her husband.

The lady who has been entertained at the home of a gentleman may drive to his door and send up her card. But she never enters his home for a social visit.

RECEIVING CALLS

The day at home is devoted exclusively to the receiving and entertaining of callers. This day at home is decided by the hostess at the beginning of the season; one day each week, or one day in every two weeks, is set apart for receiving calls.

The hostess should be ready to receive her first call by a few minutes before three o'clock. She may, if she wishes, specify a certain hour for calling on her at-home card, but if she prefers to leave the hour open, she should be prepared to greet her guests from three o'clock in the afternoon until a little before half-past five.

There are three methods that may be employed in announcing a caller.

The method you choose should be governed by what you can afford and by what is most convenient for you. The most formal and effective plan is to have a full-liveried butler at the door to lead each guest to the drawing-room, and then announce his or her name to the hostess. Or a servant may be at the door to offer each visitor a small silver tray, on which to place his or her card. The most simple method is to place a large tray in the hall, preferably on a small table that is conspicuously situated, and into this the cards of the callers may be cast as they pa.s.s into the drawing-room. It should be remembered that a maid-servant never announces callers, but only offers them a card-tray and helps them with their wraps.

The caller at an apartment house should first have the hall boy telephone up to the hostess--unless the caller is expected--to know if she is at home. It is not permissible except among very intimate friends to go up unannounced.

The hostess should always prepare some sort of refreshment for her guests on the day at home. In winter, tea or hot chocolate may be served with wafers or cake. Sometimes light sandwiches and bonbons are served on the day at home. In the warm summer months, if calls are made, the visitors may be refreshed with iced tea, chocolate or punch.

DUTIES OF THE HOSTESS

On her day at home, the hostess makes every effort to make her callers feel that she is glad to have them. She rises as each new guest makes his or her appearance, steps forward and offers her hand in greeting.

The expressions, "How do you do, Mrs. Brown," and "I am delighted to see you, Mr. Gray," are effective phrases of greeting. It is her important duty to make general introductions, and to give some special attention to each caller as he or she arrives, drawing him into conversation with the others before leaving him to greet another newcomer.

If the rooms are warm, the hostess may invite a feminine caller to remove her wraps, but she must not a.s.sume this privilege with the gentleman. She usually serves tea or chocolate herself, but if there are many guests, she may ask one or two friends to a.s.sist her. It is poor hospitality to insist upon replenishing a cup of tea after a guest has declined with thanks.

RECEIVING THE CHANCE CALLER

It is not always very convenient to entertain chance callers, especially if one has some important business or appointment to attend to. But when the servant at the door has admitted that her mistress is at home, the hostess should exert every effort to make good the servant's a.s.surance. She must not keep the caller waiting, nor must she ask to be excused after the caller has been admitted. If important business claims her time, she may come to the drawing-room and after welcoming the visitor, explain the situation and ask to be excused. By no means may she send a written or verbal excuse by messenger. Having been admitted, the presence of the hostess is demanded if it is for no other reason than to offer an excuse.

If the hostess has no pressing business duties or appointments to which to attend, it is her duty to afford every hospitality to the chance caller. If the call is made in the afternoon, and if the hostess ordinarily serves tea at that hour, she may serve tea, chocolate or punch with cake or wafers.

When the caller is a gentleman, and the hostess a young lady, it is proper to call one's mother or chaperon into the drawing-room to make the correct introduction, or if the visitor is already known, to welcome him. A young lady who is well-bred does not entertain gentlemen until they have been welcomed by her mother.

When two chance callers arrive at the same time, the hostess is, of course, under obligation to make the necessary introductions.

WHEN THE HOST IS AT HOME

It is not very often that the host is present at his wife's day at home, for the very good reason that business claims all his time during the day. But there is no reason why he should not be present if he desires to and if it is convenient for him.

The duty of any masculine member of a family appearing in the drawing-room on the day at home--whether it be husband, son or brother--is to share in the honors and obligations of the occasion. He will be introduced to those visitors with whom he is not already acquainted, by his wife or sister, as the case may be; and he is expected to a.s.sist in entertaining, pa.s.s the cups, make introductions, accompany departing guests to the door and join in the conversations.

When it can be arranged it is most delightful for the husband and wife to receive their friends together. For this reason even formal society is lenient with regard to time and Sundays may be utilized for "at homes," teas, or receptions.

TAKING LEAVE OF THE HOSTESS

The hostess is not expected to accompany her departing guests to the door when there are others still in the room to claim her attention.

However, it is only a matter of genuine friendliness and politeness to accompany each departing guest as far as the drawing-room door. This rule does not hold true when one of the guests is infirm, or when the hostess is entertaining a very distinguished visitor. But ordinarily, it is all-sufficient to rise when a guest moves to depart, offer one's hand in cordial farewell, and say, "Good afternoon, Miss Cary. So good of you to come," or, "Good-by, Mrs. Blank, I hope to hear some more about that wonderful trip to East India."

The hostess continues to stand until the guest turns to pa.s.s out of the room. If the guest is a woman, it is a mark of extreme politeness to remain standing until she has left the room entirely. When all the guests have departed, the hostess usually accompanies the last visitor to the hall door; and if it is a special friend, she is privileged to accompany her to the very street door. However, the hostess must be careful not to extend any special courtesies to an intimate friend while other guests are present, nor may she draw a visitor aside to converse in an undertone about some private or personal affair.

On rising to depart, a caller seeks out the hostess and bids her a formal adieu. Prolonged farewells are not the best taste, for they keep the hostess standing and distracted when there are others who are ent.i.tled to her time and attention. As soon as one intimates that he or she wishes to depart, a quick but cordial farewell should be taken and the departure made as soon as possible. To bow oneself out of the drawing-room is a foreign and wholly undemocratic custom which no well-bred man or woman recognizes. A slight inclination of the head, a cordial good-afternoon to the guests, and a formal farewell to the hostess should be followed by immediate leaving of the room.

In apartment houses it is a pretty little attention for the hostess to accompany her guest to the elevator and ring the bell for her. This she should, of course, not do in the event that there are others present to claim her attention.

A gentleman rises from his seat when a woman enters and when she rises to depart. When taking leave of the hostess he waits for her to offer her hand, otherwise he merely bows and offers some word of farewell.

THE EVENING CALL

A gentleman is privileged to make his call in return for a hospitality extended him in the evening. It is considerate of him, when he cannot call in the afternoon, to call on the evening of the hostess' day at home.

When a young man has been asked to call by a young lady, he does not ask to see her alone but requests of the servant at the door that he be announced to _the ladies_. This is especially important, for it infers that he expects to be presented to the young lady's mother or her chaperon. After he has met her mother, it is entirely proper for him, when calling, to request to see the particular lady for whom the visit is intended.

A gentleman is usually shown into the drawing-room by the servant. He retains his overcoat and gloves until the servant returns to let him know that the young lady will receive him presently; then he divests himself of these garments and either puts them himself in the hall, or entrusts them to the servant. When the lady enters, he rises, steps forward to meet her, and does not resume his seat until she has seated herself.