Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 17

THE PROPER LENGTH OF A CALL

Never prolong a call until it becomes a relief to depart--both for you and your hostess. This is not irrelevant, nor is it too severe. There are many people who do not know when to depart, and simply because they are afraid of leaving too early and offending the hostess, they prolong the visit unduly and depend upon gossip and forced conversation to pa.s.s the time. It is not good taste to make a call that lasts ten minutes; but it is certainly no better to make one that lasts three hours.

When a first and formal call is paid, fifteen or twenty minutes is the usual time for exchanging civilities, and for making a graceful exit.

The ordinary formal call may be extended from a quarter to three-quarters of an hour. A friendly call may be continued an hour, and sometimes an hour and a half.

Calls of inquiry, condolence and information should never be prolonged longer than is required to obtain the information required. Calls of condolence should be made especially short, as it is a mark of inconsideration to force oneself on a hostess who is suffering a recent bereavement.

THE DAY AT HOME

Calls should always be paid on the hostess' day at home, if possible.

It is always more complimentary and considerate to observe a day at home than to call on an afternoon when the hostess does not expect you.

In large cities and fashionable circles, it is customary for every hostess to issue at-home cards, giving the day and hour, or just the day, when she will be at home to visitors. These are issued to all her friends and acquaintances and they are expected to make their social calls, calls of congratulation, calls of appreciation--all calls except those that have to do with business--on that afternoon.

Sunday calls are now considered informal. In small towns and country neighborhoods they may be made after church or in the evening, but in large cities formal visits are rarely made on Sunday. Here again men (and business women) enjoy a special privilege; they may make their formal calls any afternoon or evening of the week, Sunday not excepted.

Perhaps this is only fair, as the American man, and many of the American women, have their mornings and afternoons completely absorbed by the exactions of their business.

DRESS FOR CALLS

In making business calls a woman should wear street dress of the most simple and conservative type. For her social calls also she should wear street attire, but it need not be so severe as for business purposes.

Especially if she is to go by public conveyance she should be careful not to make herself conspicuous by her dress. The hostess is always more or less informally dressed unless her at home takes on the proportions of a reception, in which case she wears an elaborate reception gown.

Men seldom pay calls, and when they do, for the most part, they wear ordinary business suits unless the occasion is one of importance.

Formal evening calls require formal evening dress.

PAYING THE FIRST CALL

In the country, all newcomers wait until they are called upon before calling or leaving cards. Formerly, calls were paid only upon those newcomers who were in one's immediate neighborhood, but now motoring has greatly increased the area of visiting. Thus, when a newcomer builds or rents a home within easy motoring distance, one must feel obligated to call and leave cards.

Brides also wait to receive first calls. Neighbors and friends are expected to call and leave cards immediately upon the return from the honeymoon. It is the particular duty of all wedding guests to call promptly as soon as the bride announces her return.

When a lady comes to visit a friend in another town, it is the duty of all friends of the hostess to make the first call. It is also the rule for women who have been entertained in a friend's house in the country to be the first to call on that friend immediately upon her return to town. Where there is no indebtedness of this kind and when two women arrive home from their respective summer vacations at about the same time, it is customary for the younger to make the first call upon the older.

The matter of paying the first call is often a very delicate one.

Frequently sensitive people are offended by some unconscious slight on the part of a friend. The following rules will help those who are in doubt, and who are anxious to follow the correct usage, and thus avoid blunders that may result in broken friendships.

An unmarried woman always pays the first call of the season upon a matron. The elder of two women is ent.i.tled to the first visit. This same rule holds true among men, when the question of the formal call arises. In large cities, when the recognized winter period for exchanging formal calls opens, very little attention is paid to the matter of the first calls of the season. It is usually dependent upon convenience and inclination of individuals, and upon the settling of an at-home day. Sometimes women who are exceptionally punctilious make their first calls with reference to courtesies extended or received in the foregoing season. Thus, they refer to their calling lists of the preceding winter, in deciding on whom to make the first calls. However, this is entirely in the hands of the individual.

CALLS OF OBLIGATION

There are certain obligatory calls that must be made, if one wishes to be in accord with the laws of etiquette. These are sometimes referred to as "duty calls." For instance, it is essential for all wedding guests, bridesmaids, ushers, and for the best man, maid of honor and matron of honor to call on the bride's mother within three weeks after her daughter's wedding. They must also call upon the bride as soon as she returns from her honeymoon. If the wedding was held at the home of a sister or other relative, the call is made to the lady who acted in the capacity of hostess. The guests at a home wedding, wedding reception or breakfast, are also obligated to call on the bride's mother, and on the bride herself, in due course.

It is distinctly important for all guests, both men and women, at a formal dinner to call upon the hostess within two or, at the most, three weeks after the dinner. This holds true even if the invitation was not accepted. The dinner call should be paid promptly; if a man or woman who has not accepted an invitation to dinner does not call within three weeks, the hostess has every reason to believe that he, or she, does not desire her friendship and hospitality. This same holds true of b.a.l.l.s, suppers, parties and receptions. Not to accept an invitation, and not to call, is a gross incivility and reflects upon the good manners of the person who has neglected to make the obligatory call.

Duty calls are necessary after formal luncheons or breakfasts, and after musicales, theater parties, opera parties, garden parties, and after attending a christening. Such a call should be made within the two weeks following the event.

Other obligatory calls are made both before and after a funeral. The first call is merely a matter of card-leaving, unless one is an intimate friend of the bereaved family. After the funeral a call of condolence should be made.

A hostess who follows the laws of good society to the letter, invariably calls on a new acquaintance before offering her any hospitality, or before issuing any invitations to her. Other calls that are a matter of obligation are those of inquiry regarding a friend's health, of congratulation to parents on the birth of a child, and of congratulation to the young lady who has announced her engagement. All these calls are social necessities, and the man or woman who is well-bred never neglects them.

ABOUT RETURNING CALLS

It is of the utmost importance that calls be promptly returned. But perhaps the most exacting of all is the first call. To neglect to return it within two weeks, or three at the most, or to explain by letter why it cannot be returned, is to indicate tacitly that the caller's friendship is not desired. This, of course, is an extremely rude and inconsiderate method to choose, if one really does not desire to cultivate a certain friendship, for there are many gracious and less unkind means to employ.

A bride, or a visitor in a neighborhood, or a newcomer to a town, should not let more than ten days, or at the most two weeks, elapse before returning the civilities of their new neighbors. The first call of a new acquaintance should be just as promptly returned. After the first call is returned, it depends upon the individuals concerned whether a friendship shall be developed, or whether a "calling acquaintance" shall be kept up. (The expression "calling acquaintance"

is used to indicate the custom of ladies calling upon each other once or twice during the year as a social duty, rather than as a means of developing friendship.)

When calls are exchanged only once in twelve months it is an indication that only a purely formal acquaintance exists between two people. But when two women are friends, they may exchange calls at intervals of three weeks or a month, and sometimes very dear friends exchange calls every week. However, in this latter case the calls are more or less informal.

Calls of condolence, sympathy, inquiry and congratulation are usually answered by sending cards or brief notes to the callers. Later, on issuing from mourning, or on recovery of health, the calls of condolence and inquiry may be returned, but it is not entirely necessary, and depends largely upon the convenience and individual desire of the person on whom the call was made.

When a hostess is asked to invite the friends of her friends to a reception at her home, she is not obligated to return their "calls of duty." Nor does a woman return any of the calls, formal or informal, of her gentlemen acquaintances. When one woman receives a call from another woman who bears a letter of introduction, a return call must be made promptly, or a letter of explanation written within two weeks after the day of the first call. The same rule is observed between men.

THE CALL OF CONDOLENCE

It should be remembered that no hasty intrusions should ever be made upon grief. It shows lack of good taste and extreme inconsideration.

Only intimate friends of a bereaved family, or of one member of that family, call for any length of time. Others merely leave their cards with cordial inquiries regarding the health and spirits of the members of the family.

They may forward a box of flowers, including their personal card in the box, instead of calling to leave a card in person. But when the formal call of condolence is made, ten days or two weeks after the funeral, the intimate friends of the family should be careful to avoid all subjects that would cause pain to the bereaved ones. They should not, unless gifted with rare tact, make any reference to the death but should rather speak of cheerful things. However, it may be necessary to give some word of sympathy either upon greeting or departure. A tactful way to greet a sorrowing person is to say simply, "I have called to a.s.sure you of my sympathy." The subject should then be dropped and other matters discussed.

On departure a word of cheer and sympathy, and a hearty warm hand-clasp go a long way towards helping matters.

Calls of condolence should be brief. It is poor form to remain longer than fifteen minutes, unless one is a particularly intimate friend and able to relieve the intensity of grief by his or her presence. If the person called upon feels the loss so poignantly that he or she cannot be composed, it is far better to leave a cordial note at the door asking to be excused from all callers, than to greet them and cause embarra.s.sment by a display of emotion. Persons in affliction often prefer to be alone, and the intrusion of anyone except their very dearest friends causes fresh grief.

THE CALL OF CONGRATULATION AND INQUIRY

Calls of congratulation are warranted only by intimacy or by friendship of long standing. After the birth of a child, feminine friends of the mother incur the duty of calling upon her and leaving inquiries about her own and her child's health, along with the customary congratulations. Friends of the young lady who announces her engagement are expected to call and offer congratulations. This call is usually made between ten days and two weeks after the announcement is received.

Married women who are friends of the young woman's mother also call to make their congratulations.

Calls of inquiry are made during the illness or convalescence of a friend or acquaintance. Sometimes these calls are made after a fire or accident, or after some several financial loss or other disaster.

Extreme tact is needed in paying such calls. The call itself a.s.sumes no greater proportions than that merely of doorstep card-leaving, yet it is an expression of genuine sympathy and a desire to show that friendship will be continued no matter what happens. The chapter devoted to visiting cards contains several model cards of inquiry that can be used on the various occasions mentioned.

THE SOCIAL CALLS OF MEN

Gentlemen of good society usually devote Sunday afternoons and evenings to their formal visits. Weekday evenings are also often given over to the same purpose. The gentleman who calls upon a lady shows good taste and consideration by selecting her day at home.

A man is expected to make calls of condolence, inquiry and congratulation upon all his intimate friends, men and women. He is also expected to pay a call promptly upon a hostess who has entertained him either at dinner or a dance. However, he may not call again unless he is invited to do so by the hostess. A bachelor residing in a new neighborhood is expected to return all first calls made upon him, but he has the privilege of requesting a sister or woman relative living with him to make the return call in his name.