A Humorous History of England Part 5

And My Lord Chesterfield was quite The model of the most polite Wrote famous letters. It's a shame, A settee has usurped his name.

Dr. Johnson And Dr. Johnson at his ease 1709-1784 Sipped his tea at the 'Cheshire Cheese,'

Or at the 'Mitre' of renown, Spreading his wit throughout the Town.

Garrick When Garrick as the 'Moody Dane'

Drew the Town to Drury Lane, Mrs. Siddons Sarah Siddons was all the rage Tragedy Queen of every age.

Highwaymen armed to the teeth Waited for prey on Hounslow Heath; Per contra the Highwayman's pate Was oft strung up at Tyburn Gate.

Capt. Cook It's only right a History book 1728-1779 Should mark the feats of Captain Cook; So jot it down in these our Rhymes That round the World he sailed three times.

Inventions These are the days of much invention 1767 The 'Spinning Jenny' we will mention; The 'Cotton Mule' and 'Power Loom'; For Authors' names there's lack of room.

Adam Smith In his book 'The Wealth of Nations'

1766 Adam Smith shows the relations Governing the Art of Trading; With influences far pervading.

'Man buys as cheaply as he can And sells as dearly, that's his plan.'

'Supply Demand each other feed Dearer markets cheap ones bleed.'

Jenner Jenner brings in vaccination, 1796 Boon to every generation; By similar methods now devised Many an ill is exorcised.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_NELSON AND WELLINGTON._]

American War In seventeen-sixty and fifteen 1775 Our Taxes raise the Yankees' spleen.

'Unrepresented, you've no right To tax us, therefore we will fight.'

Washington, Franklin and the rest Formed a Republic quite the best; We've long been friends. Let us rejoice; But at the time we had no choice.

French In France in times of Louis Seize (says) Revolution Oppression dire through countless days Roused Revolution with its tears Mainly through books with wrong ideas.

Napoleon I. From Revolution's putrid mess 1793-1815 A Conqueror's born, quite conscienceless, Millions of men and women died Victims to Napoleon's pride.

He plunged all Europe into Wars His own ambition the sole cause.

England as usual did her 'bit'

And 'Boney' Europe had to quit.

During these years of storm and stress Two n.o.ble pilots we possess 'Chatham and Son' (Pitt is their name), Ill.u.s.trious on the scroll of fame.

Nelson 1805 Here we must our homage pay To Nelson of Trafalgar Day; Wellington To Wellington the same is due, Who crowned his fame at Waterloo.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

And 'Shiver my timbers,' 'Heave ahoy,'

The Tar, those times a breezy boy With shiny hat and pigtail long And love for la.s.s and gla.s.s and song.

Discovery of About this date Electric Force Electric Force Dawns on mankind. Before, of course, In Lightning it was all about, With noise enough to be found out.

Coelo eripuit fulmen, 'Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken.

Philosopher of bygone age Accept our homage on this page.

But who'd have thought it that Galvani When making soup, (this is no blarney) By his power of observation On a frog's legs' oscillation Should find how by chemic ways Electric currents we can raise?

To call him 'great' is no flattery; He set us on the wondrous battery.

This simple little frog, Heigh Ho!

The frog who would a-wooing go; Thy part in electricity Is unmatched eccentricity.

This new discovered fact, of course, Leads to the Telegraph of Morse, The Motor and Electric Light The Telephone and more in sight.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _IN QUEEN VICTORIA'S PALMY DAYS._]

Ireland Of Ireland but a word or two.

Celts were her people and they knew Not benefit of Roman Ruling; Young Europa's Infant Schooling.

In century five St. Patrick great Converts them to the Christian state; And from this Western Isle afar, English and Scotch converted are.

Danes and Two hundred years from nine-nought-nought Ireland Danes raiding Erin trouble brought; And left them in chaotic state No longer masters of their fate.

In those days 'twas 'Woe to the weak,'

Saxons and Danes had made us squeak, Then came the Normans in great force And civilised us in due course.

They tried the same with Ireland green; But only sowed a feud between The land they'd conquered and Erin, Leading to endless quarrelling.

England accepts the Reformation, Catholic still the Irish nation Cromwell Sees Cromwell with them battle join Boyne And William beat them at the Boyne.

William Pitt in eighteen-nought-nought Ireland and England's welfare sought Act of Union By 'Act of Union' which he pa.s.sed; 1800 But still the wretched squabbles last.

George IV. Now come George Four and Will his brother; William IV. With these two kings we need not bother; The first a gourmand, bon viveur, The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur.

Trevithick, Newcomen, and Watt Are names will never be forgot; For their crude engines were the source Of man's control of Steam's wild force.

Steam By eighteen-thirty man has tamed 1830 Steam to his use; and widely famed Was puffing 'Rocket' with the power Of doing thirty miles an hour.

Steam prompts man to make machines And Factories rise with all that means; Divided more and more is labour Each man leans more on his neighbour.

For twenty million pounds the nation Buys our slaves' emanc.i.p.ation.

Reform Act In eighteen-three-two, happy year, The great Reform Act doth appear.

Steam vessels the Atlantic cross.

The penny post comes into force.

And double knocks bring joys and thrills Sometimes cheques, more often bills.

Corn Law The Corn Law duty's brushed away, Repeal 18 Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day.

We fain would linger, but alas, These are the periods we must pa.s.s.

So gentle reader do not grin At sight of c.u.mbrous crinoline.

Victoria Since Queen Victoria's palmy days 1837-1901 Woman has altered all her ways.

In those days she was meek and mild And treated almost like a child; Was brought up in a narrow zone; And couldn't call her soul her own.

She vegetated, 'tis well known Under the 'cloche' of Chaperone.

Woman's But now the 'Franchise' she obtains, Status And her own property retains.

What a difference from then, She 'carries on' just like the men.

And now at Westminster we see A lady sitting as M.P.

Darwin Charles Darwin offers us a Key 1809-1882 To help unlock the mystery Of Evolution's wondrous span From Protoplasm up to Man.

Livingstone The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone, 1813-1873 Wandered o'er Afric's trackless Zone; Where no white man had ever trod Teaching the blacks the Word of G.o.d.

Crimean War English, French and Turks unite 'Gainst Russia in Crimean fight.

Indian Mutiny The Indian Mutiny now arose, 'Fat' was the cause that led to blows.

Atlantic Cable With efforts many men most able Lay the great Atlantic Cable.

Suez Ca.n.a.l Lesseps unites for you and me The Medit'ranean and Red Sea.

Education Act The Education Act proposes To make us all as wise as Moses; In eighteen-seven-nought it pa.s.sed, But each is learning to the last.

Ballot Act A couple of years from this we note 1872 The Ballot Act gives secret vote; Before this Act, e'en since we fear, Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_WOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE._]

Edward VII. Edward Seven, 'Peacemaker' named, 1901-1910 His efforts to this end far famed.

We know it was no idle chance His 'Entente cordiale' with France.

True friendship and the peace we want The outcome of this grand Entente.

Though not accented in our rhyme We've been fighting all the time; And it's a fact which must be stated Our chief opponent (so 'twas fated) Wars with Our nearest neighbour o'er the Sea France Whose 'No' is 'Non'; whose 'Yes' is 'Oui'; Like two schoolboys always sparring Eight hundred years together warring; From Hastings unto Waterloo We'd battles with the brave 'Mossoo.'

Now Honi soit qui still y pense; Hurrah for England! Vive la France!

And here we come to end our rhymes We've reached the present stirring times, When one and all lent helping hand To keep secure the Motherland.

When men went forth to fight the foe And women took to spade and hoe, And donning smocks of nattiest styles, Worked on the land for Farmer Giles.

Now three cheers for the dainty maids, Government clerks of different grades;

[Ill.u.s.tration]