You Can Win Part 29

Encourage the speaker to talk.

Ask questions. It shows interest.

Don't interrupt.

Don't change the topic.

Show understanding and respect.

Pay attention, concentrate.

Avoid distractions.

Show empathy.

Be open-minded. Don't let preconceived ideas and prejudices prevent you from listening.

Concentrate on the message and not on the delivery. Recognize the nonverbal communication, such as facial expressions, eye contact, etc. They might be communicating a different message from the verbal.

Listen to feelings and not just words.

Step 9: Be Enthusiastic

Nothing great is ever achieved without enthusiasm.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Enthusiasm and success go hand in hand, but enthusiasm comes first. Enthusiasm inspires confidence, raises morale, builds loyalty! and is priceless. Enthusiasm is contagious. You can feel enthusiasm by the way a person talks, walks or shakes hands.

Enthusiasm is a habit that one can acquire and practice.

Many decades ago, Charles Schwab, who was earning a salary of a million dollars a year, was asked if he was being paid such a high salary because of his exceptional ability to produce steel. Charles Schwab replied, "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men the greatest a.s.set I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement."

Live while you are alive. Don't die before you are dead. Enthusiasm and desire are what change mediocrity to excellence. Water turns into steam with a difference of only one degree in temperature and steam can move some of the biggest engines in the world.

That is what enthusiasm helps us to do in our lives.

Step 10: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

The psychologist William James said, "One of the deepest desires of human beings is the desire to be appreciated. The feeling of being unwanted is hurtful."

113*Expensive jewels are not real gifts; they are apologies for shortcomings. Many times we buy gifts for people to compensate for not spending enough time with them. Real gifts are when you give a part of yourself.

Sincere appreciation is one of the greatest gifts one can give to another person. It makes a person feel important. The desire to feel important is one of the greatest cravings in most human beings. It can be a great motivator.

The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis but rather the feeling of being unwanted.

--Mother Teresa

Appreciation, in order to be effective, must meet certain criteria:

1. It must be specific. If I tell someone that he did a good job, and walk away, what will go through his mind? He will think, "What did I do good.?" He will be confused. But when I say, "The way you handled that difficult customer was great," then he knows what he is being appreciated for.

2. It must be immediate. The effectiveness is diluted if we show our appreciation for someone six months after he has done something commendable.

3. It must be sincere. It must come from the heart. You must mean every word. What is the difference between appreciation and flattery? The difference is sincerity. One comes from the heart, the other from the mouth. One has an ulterior motive and the other is sincere. Some people find it easier to flatter than to give sincere praise. Don't flatter or get taken in by flatterers.

It's an old maxim in the schools that flattery's the food of fools Yet now and then you men of wit will condescend to take a bit.

--Jonathan Swift

4. Don't qualify praise with a but. By using the but as a connector, we erase the appreciation. Use "and," "in addition to that" or some other appropriate connector.

Say something like "I appreciate your effort and would you please ..." rather than "I appreciate your effort but ..."

5. After giving appreciation, it is not important to wait for a receipt or acknowledgement.

Some people are looking for a compliment in return. That is not the purpose of appreciation.

If you are receiving appreciation, accept it graciously with a "thank-you."

It is easier to deal with honest rejection than insincere appreciation. At least the person knows where he stands. Insincere appreciation is like a mirage in the desert. The closer you get, the more disappointed you become because it is nothing more than an illusion.

People put up a front of sincerity as a cover up.

Step 11: When We Make a Mistake, We Should Accept It immediately and Willingly

When I am wrong, make me easy to change; and when I am right, make me easy to live with. This is a good philosophy to live by.

114*Some people live and learn while others live and never learn. Mistakes are to be learned from. The greatest mistake a person can make is to repeat it. Don't a.s.sign blame and make excuses. Don't dwell on it. When you realize your mistake, it is a good idea to accept it and apologize. Don't defend it. Why? Acceptance disarms the other person.

Step 12: When the Other Person Realizes and Admits That He Has Made a Mistake, Congratulate Him and Give Him a Way Out to Save Face

If we don't let him save face, we are hurting his self esteem.

Step 13: Discuss But Don't Argue

There are some personalities that can be labelled as argumentative and that shows in their behavior and relationships.

Arguments can be avoided and a lot of heartache prevented by being a little careful. The best way to win an argument is to avoid it. An argument is one thing you will never win. If you win, you lose; if you lose, you lose. If you win an argument but lose a good job, customer, friend or marriage, what kind of victory is it? Pretty empty. Arguments result from inflated ego.

Arguing is like fighting a losing battle. Even if one wins, the cost may be more than the victory is worth. Emotional battles leave a residual ill will even if you win.

In an argument, both people are trying to have the last word. Argument is nothing more than a battle of egos and results in a yelling contest. A bigger fool than the one who knows it all is the one who argues with him.

Is It worth It?

The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you have. Even if you are right, is it worth arguing? The answer is pretty obvious. A big no. Does that mean one should never bring up a point? One should, but gently and tactfully by saying something neutral such as "based on my information . . ." If the other person is argumentative, even if you can prove him wrong, is it worth it? I don't think so. Do you make your point a second time? I wouldn't. Why? Because the argument is coming from a closed mind trying to prove who is right rather than what is right.

For example, at a social get-together, especially after a few drinks, someone may say authoritatively, "The current year's export figures are $50 billion." You happen to know that his information is incorrect and the right figure is $45 billion. You read it in the paper that morning or you heard it on the radio on the way to the get-together and you have a bulletin in your car to substantiate it. Do you make your point? Yes, by saying, "My information is that the export figure is $45 billion." The other person reacts, "You don't know what you are talking about. I know exactly what it is and it is $50 billion."

At this point, you have several choices:

1. Make your point again and start an argument.

2. Run and bring the bulletin from your car and make sure you prove him wrong.

3. Avoid it.

4. Discuss but don't argue.

The right choice is number 3 only.

115*If one wants to accomplish great things in life one has to practice maturity. Maturity means not getting entangled in unimportant things and petty arguments.

What is the Difference Between an Argument and a Discussion?

116*?

An argument throws heat; a discussion throws light.

One stems from ego and a closed mind whereas the other comes from an open mind.

An argument is an exchange of ignorance whereas a discussion is an exchange of knowledge.

An argument is an expression of temper whereas a discussion is an expression of logic.

An argument tries to prove who is right whereas a discussion tries to prove what is right.