You Can Win Part 19

They have a critical nature. They criticize as if there is a contest going on and they have to win a prize.

They have high egos they are arrogant and believe they know it all.

People with low self-esteem are generally difficult to work with and for. They tear down others to get a feeling of superiority.

They are closed minded and self-centered.

They constantly make excuses--always justifying failures.

They never accept responsibility--always blaming others.

They have a fatalistic att.i.tude no initiative and always waiting for things to happen.

They are jealous by nature.

They are unwilling to accept positive criticism. They become defensive.

They are bored and uncomfortable when alone.

Poor self-esteem leads to breakdown in decency. People with low self-esteem don't know where to draw the line--where decency stops and vulgarity starts. It is not unusual for people to tell jokes at social get-togethers but with every drink, the jokes get dirtier and dirtier.

They don't have genuine friends because they are not genuine themselves.

I.

They make promises they know they are not going to keep. A person with low self- esteem would promise the moon to make a sale. Unkept promises lead to loss of credibility. A person with high self esteem would prefer loss of business than loss of credibility because they realize that one cannot put a price on one's credibility.

Their behavior is senseless and erratic. They swing from one end of the pendulum to another. They may be all sugar and honey today but the same people may be out to cut your throat tomorrow. They lack balance.

They alienate people and tend to be lonely.

They are touchy in nature--this is called the fragile ego. Anytime something is said, a person with a fragile ego takes it personally and gets hurt. It leads to dejection.

77*What is the difference between being touchy and being sensitive? Touchiness is the cactus approach; you touch me and I will hurt you. Being sensitive is the positive approach, the caring approach. Many times the two are used interchangeably. People say be careful when talking 78*to so and so, he or she is very sensitive. What they are really saying is that the person is touchy, so be careful.

They have negative expectations of themselves and others and are seldom disappointed.

They lack confidence.

1. They constantly seek approval and validation from others. Seeking approval is different from seeking a second opinion, which really means consultation.

2. Bragging about themselves is also a sign of lack of confidence.

3. Submissive or timid behavior. These are people who constantly apologize for their existence. They are always putting themselves down, which is different from being humble. Humility comes from confidence whereas putting yourself down comes from lack of it.

A person who lacks confidence cannot be an effective leader. Others sense this lack of confidence, which results in a lack of respect.

4. Lack of a.s.sertiveness. People with low self esteem are not willing to stand up for their belief. On the other hand, being unduly aggressive is also a sign of poor self-esteem.

Being aggressive in situations that require compa.s.sion does not amount to a.s.sertiveness.

5. A lack of confidence results in conformist behavior. If everybody is doing it, then so should I. Every day we see people giving in to peer pressure, knowing full well what they are doing could be detrimental yet they do it to be accepted. People with low self- esteem go along to get along. They are looking for outside validation because they lack confidence in themselves.

6. Keeping up with the Joneses--pretense When people try to keep up with the Joneses, they spend money they haven't earned, they buy things they don't need, and they try to impress people they don't like.

7. Nonconformist or attention-seeking behavior.

In order to gain attention, people with poor self esteem might do senseless things just to stand out and be noticed. They get a kick and a sense of importance from perversion. Some people choose to do wrong and be wrong just to be deferent and gain attention. Examples are people who brag excessively, the cla.s.sroom clown, etc.

They are indecisive and do not accept responsibility. Lack of courage and fear of criticism lead to indecisive behavior.

They rebel against authority. I make a distinction between rebelling out of the courage of one's convictions and rebelling because of poor self esteem. All the great world leaders, such as Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln, were rebels. They rebel against authority out of the courage of their convictions; a person with low self-esteem rebels against authority just because it is authority, even when the authority is right.

They are anti-social and may be withdrawn.

They lack a sense of direction and have an "I don't care" att.i.tude which is reflected in their behavior. They have a hard time giving or receiving compliments. In giving, they feel they might be misconstrued and in receiving they feel they are undeserving.

Feeling unworthy is not humility.

Too much emphasis on material things 79*People with poor self-esteem judge a person's worth by his possessions, not by who he is. They constantly look at what kind of car you are driving, what kind of home you live in, what kind of clothes and jewelry you wear. They forget that people make things, and not vice versa. People with poor self esteem place more emphasis on net worth than self worth. Their lives revolve around ads and fads. Designer labels are their status symbols.

Take away their things and they will die of shame. They get into a rat race. "The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat."*

Lack of pride in themselves--they are shabbily dressed and uncouth.

They are takers, not givers.

Low self-esteem could lead to extremes of behavior. A person with high self-esteem could choose identical behavior for different reasons: He may be alone because he prefers solitude, whereas a person with low self-esteem prefers to be alone because he is uncomfortable in groups.

Some characteristics of people with:

High Self-Esteem Low Self-Esteem

Talk about ideas Talk about people Caring att.i.tude Critical att.i.tude Humility Arrogance Respects authority Rebels against authority Courage of conviction Goes along to get along Confidence Confusion Concerned about character Concerned about reputation a.s.sertive Aggressive Accepts responsibility Blames the whole world Self-interest Selfish Optimistic Fatalistic Understanding Greedy Willing to learn Know it all Sensitive Touchy Solitude Lonely Discuss Argue Believes in self-worth Believes in net worth only Guided Misguided Discipline Distorted sense of freedom Internally driven Externally driven Respects others Looks down on others Enjoys decency Enjoys vulgarity Knows limit Everything goes Giver Taker

The objective of this list is to provide a basis for self evaluation rather than produce guilt.

It is not necessary to have all the traits. Some characteristics may be present to a greater 80*or lesser degree. So long as we are able to recognize them, we can make an effort to correct ourselves.

THEY PUT ON A MASK.

A young executive with poor self-esteem was promoted but he couldn't reconcile himself to his new office and position. There was a knock at his door. To show how important and busy he was, he picked up the phone and then asked the visitor to come in. As the man waited for the executive, the executive kept talking on the phone, nodding and saying, "No problem, I can handle that." After a few minutes he hung up and asked the visitor what he could do for him. The man replied, "Sir, I'm here to connect your phone."

What is the Message?

Why pretend? What are we trying to prove? What do we want to accomplish? Why do we need to lie? Why look for feelings of false importance? All of this comes from insecurity and poor self-esteem.

Why Pretend?

Our character can be judged by everything we do or don't do, like or don't like, such as:

The kind of movies we enjoy.

The kind of music we listen to.

The kind of company we keep or avoid.

The kind of jokes we tell or laugh at.

The kind of books we read.

Every action of ours gives us away anyway, so why pretend? I believe that if a person lives with conviction, sensitivity and cooperation, he can move others with his effort. That person becomes worthy of self-respect.

Positive Self-Esteem Negative Self-Esteem

1. self-respect self-put down 2. self-confidence self-doubt 3. self-worth self-abuse 4. self-acceptance self-denial 5. self-love self-centered Ness 6. self-knowledge self-deceit 7. self-discipline self-indulgence

Self-esteem does not mean having a big ego. Unless a person is at peace with himself, he cannot be at peace with others. Just as we cannot give to others what we don't have.

Unless we possess the components of self esteem, we cannot share it with others. We need to first get in touch with ourselves and put ourselves in order.

Even in an aircraft, the safety instructions tell you to put on an oxygen mask on yourself first and then on your child. We are not talking about selfishness.

81*Self-esteem can be defined as the way we feel about ourselves. Self-image is the way we see ourselves. When we feel good, our productivity goes up.