Waste Part 24

_From the piano-stool comes_ CANTELUPE'S _quiet voice._

CANTELUPE. Yes, Trebell ... I do.

TREBELL _wheels round at this and ceases all bl.u.s.ter._

TREBELL. On what grounds?

CANTELUPE. Unarguable ones.

HORSHAM. [_Finding refuge again in his mantelpiece._] You know, he has gone off without giving me his promise.

FARRANT. That's your own fault, Trebell.

HORSHAM. The fool says I didn't give him explicit instructions.

FARRANT. What fool?

HORSHAM. That man ... [_The name fails him._] ... my new man. One of those touches of Fate's little finger, really.

_He begins to consult the ceiling and the carpet once more._ TREBELL _tackles_ CANTELUPE _with gravity._

TREBELL. I have only a logical mind, Cantelupe. I know that to make myself a capable man I've purged myself of all the sins ... I never was idle enough to commit. I know that if your G.o.d didn't make use of men, sins and all ...

what would ever be done in the world? That one natural action, which the slight shifting of a social law could have made as negligible as eating a meal, can make me incapable ... takes the linch-pin out of one's brain, doesn't it?

HORSHAM. Trebell, we've been doing our best to get you out of this mess.

Your remarks to O'Connell weren't of any a.s.sistance, and....

CANTELUPE _stands up, so momentously that_ HORSHAM'S _gentle flow of speech dries up._

CANTELUPE. Perhaps I had better say at once that, whatever hushing up you may succeed in, it will be impossible for me to sit in a cabinet with Mr.

Trebell.

_It takes even_ FARRANT _a good half minute to recover his power of speech on this new issue._

FARRANT. What perfect nonsense, Cantelupe! I hope you don't mean that.

BLACKBOROUGH. Complication number one, Horsham.

FARRANT. [_Working up his protest._] Why on earth not? You really mustn't drag your personal feelings and prejudices into important matters like this ... matters of state.

CANTELUPE. I think I have no choice, when Trebell stands convicted of a mortal sin, of which he has not even repented.

TREBELL. [_With bitterest cynicism._] Dictate any form of repentance you like ... my signature is yours.

CANTELUPE. Is this a matter for intellectual jugglery?

TREBELL. [_His defence failing at last._] I offered to face the scandal from my place in the House. That was mad, wasn't it....

BLACKBOROUGH--_his course mapped out--changes the tone of the discussion._

BLACKBOROUGH. Horsham, I hope Trebell will believe I have no personal feelings in this matter, but we may as well face the fact even now that O'Connell holding his tongue to-morrow won't stop gossip in the House, club gossip, gossip in drawing rooms. What do the Radicals really care so long as a scandal doesn't get into the papers! There's an inner circle with its eye on us.

FARRANT. Well, what does that care as long as scandal's its own copyright?

Do you know, my dear father refused a peerage because he felt it meant putting blinkers on his best newspaper.

BLACKBOROUGH. [_A little subtly._] Still ... now you and Horsham are cousins, aren't you?

FARRANT. [_Off the track and explanatory._] No, no ... my wife's mother....

BLACKBOROUGH. I'm inaccurate, for I'm not one of the family circle myself.

My money gets me here and any skill I've used in making it. It wouldn't keep me at a pinch. And Trebell ... [_He speaks through his teeth._] ... do you think your accession to power in the party is popular at the best? Who is going to put out a finger to make it less awkward for Horsham to stick to you if there's a chance of your going under?

TREBELL _smiles at some mental picture he is making._

TREBELL. Can your cousins and aunts make it so awkward for you, Horsham?

HORSHAM. [_Repaying humour with humour._] I bear up against their affectionate attentions.

TREBELL. But I quite understand how uncongenial I may be. What made you take up with me at all?

FARRANT. Your brains, Trebell.

TREBELL. He should have enquired into my character first, shouldn't he, Cantelupe?

CANTELUPE. [_With crushing sincerity._] Yes.

TREBELL. Oh, the old unnecessary choice ... Wisdom or Virtue. We all think we must make it ... and we all discover we can't. But if you've to choose between Cantelupe and me, Horsham, I quite see you've no choice.

HORSHAM _now takes the field, using his own weapons._

HORSHAM. Charles, it seems to me that we are somewhat in the position of men who have overheard a private conversation. Do you feel justified in making public use of it?

CANTELUPE. It is not I who am judge. G.o.d knows I would not sit in judgment upon anyone.

TREBELL. Cantelupe, I'll take your personal judgment if you can give it me.

FARRANT. Good Lord, Cantelupe, didn't you sit in a cabinet with ... Well, we're not here to rake up old scandals.

BLACKBOROUGH. I am concerned with the practical issue.

HORSHAM. We know, Blackborough. [_Having quelled the interruption he proceeds._] Charles, you spoke, I think, of a mortal sin.

CANTELUPE. In spite of your lifted eyebrows at the childishness of the word.

HORSHAM. Theoretically, we must all wish to guide ourselves by eternal truths. But you would admit, wouldn't you, that we can only deal with temporal things?

CANTELUPE. [_Writhing slightly under the sceptical cross-examination._]

There are divine laws laid down for our guidance ... I admit no disbelief in them.