Washington Square Plays Part 17

HELENA. War, or--or----

TSUMU [hopefully]. Have I been so long your slave that I no longer know your wish?

HELENA [very simply]. Well, I should like to have a lover.

TSUMU [springs up and rushes over in horror to draw the curtains across the door to the library. All of a tremble]. G.o.ds grant they didn't hear you.

HELENA. Don't be alarmed, Tsumu. a.n.a.lytikos is over eighty. [She bursts into a loud peal of laughter and MENELAUS rushes into the room.]

MENELAUS [in high irritation]. I wish you wouldn't make so much noise in here. A King might at least expect quiet in his own palace.

HELENA. Tsumu, see if my bath is ready. [TSUMU exits.] You used not speak like that to me, Moo Moo.

MENELAUS [in a temper]. How many times must I tell you that my name is Menelaus and that it isn't "Moo Moo?"

HELENA [sweetly]. I'll never do it again, Moo Moo. [She giggles.]

MENELAUS. Your laugh gets on my nerves. It's louder than it used to be.

HELENA. If you wish it, I'll never, never laugh again.

MENELAUS. You've promised that too often.

HELENA [sadly]. Things are not as they used to be.

MENELAUS. Are you going to start that again?

HELENA [with a tinge of melancholy]. I suppose you'd like me to be still and sad.

MENELAUS [bitterly]. Is it too much to hope that you might be still and happy?

HELENA [speaking very quickly and tragically]. Don't treat me cruelly, Moo Moo. You don't understand me. No man ever really understands a woman. There are terrible depths to my nature. I had a long talk with Dr. Aesculapius only last week, and he told me I'm too introspective.

It's the curse of us emotional women. I'm really quite worried, but much you care, much you care. [A note of tears comes into her voice.] I'm sure you don't love me any more, Moo Moo. No! No! Don't answer me! If you did you couldn't speak to me the way you do. I've never wronged you in deed or in thought. No, never--never. I've given up my hopes and aspirations, because I knew you wanted me around you. And now, NOW---- [She can contain the tears no longer.] Because I have neglected my beauty and because I am old and ugly, you regret that Ulysses or Agamemnon didn't marry me when you all wanted me, and I know you curse the day you ever saw me. [She is breathless.]

MENELAUS [fuming]. Well! Have you done?

HELENA. No. I could say a great deal more, but I'm not a talkative woman.

[a.n.a.lYTIKOS comes in from the library.]

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Your Majesty, are we to read no longer to-day?

HELENA. I have something to say to the King. [a.n.a.lYTIKOS goes toward the library. MENELAUS anxiously stops him.]

MENELAUS. No. Stay here. You are a wise man and will understand the wisdom of the Queen.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS [bowing to HELENA]. Helena is wise as she is beautiful.

MENELAUS. She is attempting to prove to me in a thousand words that she's a silent woman.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Women are seldom silent. [HELENA resents this.] Their beauty is forever speaking for them.

HELENA. The years have, indeed, taught you wisdom. [TSUMU enters.]

TSUMU. The almond water awaits Your Majesty.

HELENA. I hope you haven't forgotten the chiropodist.

TSUMU. He has been commanded but he's always late. He's so busy.

HELENA [in a purring tone to MENELAUS]. Moo Moo.

[MENELAUS, bored, turns away.]

HELENA [to TSUMU]. I think after all I'll wear my Sicily blue.

[She and TSUMU go into the QUEEN'S apartment.]

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Shall we go back to the library?

MENELAUS. My mind is unhinged again--that woman with her endless protestations.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. I am sorry the poets no longer divert you.

MENELAUS. A little poetry is always too much.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. To-morrow we will try the historians.

MENELAUS. No! Not the historians. I want the truth for a change.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. The truth!

MENELAUS. Where in books can I find escape from the grim reality of being hitched for life to such a wife? Bah!

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Philosophy teaches----

MENELAUS. Why have the G.o.ds made woman necessary to man, and made them fools?

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. For seventy years I have been resolving the problem of woman and even at my age----

MENELAUS. Give it up, old man. The answer is--don't.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Such endless variety, and yet----

MENELAUS [with the conviction of finality]. There are only two sorts of women! Those who are failures and those who realize it.

a.n.a.lYTIKOS. Is not Penelope, the model wife of your cousin Ulysses, an exception?