Unworthy Part 7

"Don't." I hear her say. I watch her more closely, as her breathing comes in quicker and her chest rises and falls at a faster speed than what is considered normal.

"Don't you dare presume to tell me what you think I'm thinking?" Another deep breath and the sound she makes almost breaks my heart, but I am stronger than that.

"You have no idea what I've been through."

"Then why don't you tell me?" I can see the fear in her eyes as she takes in my words and the little beads of sweat that move slowly down the side of her face. I know it sounds a little odd, but I get the sudden desire to lick them away and taste that delectable skin that's so fresh and clear. She begins to shake her head and I see she attempts to go for her wrist, but stops herself.

"You don't want to know, trust me."

"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know." I say in response as I get the feeling that not many people, if any, have ever said that to her. I can tell from the expression on her face that she wants to unload, but is too scared of the reaction, so just keeps it all locked up inside. Does she not know that, that is the worst thing to do? It won't help her, it will only make her feel worse, but I can tell that to say that to her would be the worst thing to do if I want to keep my manhood.

CHAPTER FIVTEEN.

GRACE.

We arrive in Taunton later on in the evening and as we drive through East Street I realize that not a lot has changed. Everything is just the same as when I left, the shops have now closed, but there are still a few people out and about. Couples, people on their own, and when I see the odd family I can't help, but feel anger towards my own parents for not giving me a normal upbringing as the children run around in circles laughing and giggling with each other while their parents look on with annoyance yet pride. That should have been me; I should have been able to do that. I should have been able to bring pride to my parents' faces while being carefree, but I wasn't allowed, I wasn't given that chance. I rarely let myself think of what I missed out on. My father left and my mother hated me that was what I was dealt, you just have to get on with it, but driving through the familiar town I can't help, but allow the anger to surface just for a little while. I really hope that no-one will recognize me, how will I explain that to Samuel? That thought alone sickens me and I have to try and fight the bile that threatens to work its way up my throat. I am surprised when we pull into The Castle Hotel. As I was growing up it was considered the best, you only stayed here if you had the money and obviously we didn't. As Samuel parks the car I notice the outside building still looks as grand as ever and I still can't quite get over the idea that we will be staying here.

"We're staying here?"

"Yes, is that a problem?"

"N...no no." I stammer before I make another attempt to get the words out as I struggle with the thoughts of disbelief that cloud me.

"No, it's OK. I...it's just in this town The Castle was the best hotel around. I guess I'm just shocked at the prospect of staying here." I look around and I can't help the smile and I can hear Samuel's chuckle.

"What?" I ask, as I look back at his handsome face. Wow, he really is a handsome man. More so than ever when he smiles, I could get lost in that smile and the b.u.t.terflies it leaves in my stomach, all day. If only. That could never happen, but I won't let that thought diminish the happy one I get at the idea of staying here, especially with him. I am a lucky girl.

"You look so childlike at the moment. It's rare, I like it." And as he looks me up and down his smile grows, increasing my feeling for him. Is that even normal? Should I feel this way about a man, a man I am supposed to be working for? If I remember history correctly, and I think the nightmares force me to remember it more often than I would care to, then I am a wh.o.r.e and a terrible person for even getting friendly with this man. I am too horrid to be granted happiness, it is my curse that I am sure I will never be freed from and as much as I try to fight it I allow the darkness to consume my every waking moment, forcing me into my own world of madness. I'm used to it though. I have always lived with these thoughts and to be honest I am used to them, but sometimes the voices speak so loud that they are too hard to ignore and that's when I seek out my help. That's when I might harm myself to relieve the voices that plague me all the b.l.o.o.d.y time, or that's how it always feels. I feel a light touch on my cheek and the happy feelings that have been drawn out by all the horrid ones are now rekindling under Samuel's touch. It surprising me how he manages to do it, but whenever I am in his presence all my thoughts are consumed by him that I want to welcome with opening arms.

"Where did you go?" I turn to look at Samuel at his gentle voice.

"What do you mean?" I try to answer with a hint of amus.e.m.e.nt, but I can tell from Samuel's look that it hasn't worked. No matter how hard I try he seems to be able to read me, he knows that I am trying to hide something. He continues to keep his hand on my cheek and his other places mine in his and I watch how his large hand smothers mine as if trying to protect me from harm. I can't help but wonder if he can protect me from myself, but I have a horrible feeling that it is an impossible role to put him in. I can hear that oh-so-familiar voice reminding me that I am unworthy of that kind of help and that I should just go back to my meaningless life where I can no longer hurt anyone, but I like where I am. I like the feeling Samuel erupts from deep within my soul and I want it to last and heal me as only he can.

"Don't be so stupid." That little voice says inside my head.

"Do you honestly expect a man like him to want to help someone like you? You're worthless, remember." The truth of those words. .h.i.t me like an earthquake, shattering my world into a mountain of bricks and rubble, unable to be sorted into any sort of normalcy.

"We'd best go and get checked in."

"I think I asked you a question?" I raise my eyebrows at him as Samuel removes his arms from my proximity and crosses them in front of his chest.

"Pardon me?"

"You heard me. Now, answer my question" I try to look at anything but the c.o.c.ky b.a.s.t.a.r.d sat next to me, but we are still sat in the car and as the minutes go by it becomes harder to do. I shake my head as my breathing comes in quicker and I find it harder to keep myself clam as panic begins to take over my body at our confinement.

"I....I...I can't, please just leave it." I whisper as a lone tear falls down my cheek. I try the handle of the door only to find it locked. I can't believe it's locked, but I don't get a sense of danger so I know that I am not in any immediate danger. I look desperately into his eyes, imploring him to just leave my past alone, but the look he gives back confirms my fears that this is far from over.

"I will for now, but I will find out in the end." He gets out of the car and comes round to open my door and takes my hand and leads me to the entrance to the hotel.

We hardly talk that night in our lavish suite on the top floor.

There is one ma.s.sive bed that dominates the room and when I first saw it Samuel must have seen the fear that resided on my face because that night he takes the large settee. I have a restful night's sleep and when I awaken Samuel is already awake with a beautiful breakfast laid out on the table. Again we hardly speak as we both sit at that table, but I can feel Samuel's eyes boring into me, trying to read my thoughts. I try not to let it bother me, it is of no consequence anyway, I'm not going to give anything away, I am too good at keeping everything in my locked brain.

Although I am tensed up at Samuel's constant mind-reading game we have a lovely day. After our breakfast we get into the car and I show him where I went to Primary and Secondary Schools and even though we see them from a distance I can still hear all the taunts from all the other children that I had tried to be friends with. As soon as we leave my schools the taunts are gone as well and I am left feeling that I am able to breathe again. My lungs are no longer constricted by the pains of my past, but the tight feeling in my chest comes back later on in the afternoon while we are sat in Vivary park enjoying the early summer sunshine as I had done so many times before as a child. We are sat down under a tree watching the many families enjoying the sunshine, there are children running around the green playing with b.a.l.l.s and kites when Samuel finally speaks to me.

"It's not Central Park, but it's nice." I can't help, but laugh at his statement.

"Well I've never been so I can't say anything to that I'm afraid."

"You've never been to New York?"

"You already know the answer to that, rich boy." He raises his eyebrows at my pet name.

"Well not for too much longer." I don't get much chance to think on what he has just said as he quickly asks another question.

"Tell me about your parents." I can't, help but go stiff at his words and I know instantly that Samuel feels my reaction. How can I answer that? Well, Samuel, I was such a devil that I drove my father away, leaving my mother all alone to raise me and hate me. I could just see his face of disgust in front of me and I find it harder to breathe at the possibility, but I try as hard as I can to get my words out in the hope of changing the subject.

"There's nothing really to say." I try to turn so I am looking at him with the biggest smile I can muster, but I can see in his eyes that it hasn't worked.

"I think there is." I look away from him only briefly, but that's all it takes as it happens like my nightmares have predicted so many times before. My skin p.r.i.c.kles to attention as my senses become aware of his presence, I look up to the park entrance and I see him walking forward with a girl wrapped in his arms, the same girl that he was with while they both taunted and abused me all those times in the past. I am aware of nothing else as I watch the couple step closer and closer to where Samuel and I are sat. I can feel a lone finger trace a pattern on my arm, but I am not aware of anything else around me, nothing exists except the cold air that is engulfing me within its clutches. I watch their every move and when he sees me my blood turns cold and I can do nothing, but shiver as I hear him speak.

"Well well well." I beg with my eyes for him not to say anything but the wicked grin he gives me makes me feel so helpless that I can do nothing, but let him say what he does.

"If it's not the town wh.o.r.e and liar." I close my eyes at his words and I can feel both theirs as well as Samuel's eyes watching me for a reaction. I can sense Samuel rise to attention and then he uses a depth to his voice I have never heard before.

"Excuse me." Both men, my past and my present, look towards me, waiting for me to talk, but there is nothing there, only fear and hatred. I watch as the cold eyes that I have been forced to look into too many times make contact with Samuel. My heart breaks at the thought of him telling Samuel all his lies that everyone else has believed and although I know Samuel will be just the same as all the others there is a little hope in the depths of my broken heart that hopes and prays that he won't. That I will be wrong about him and that Samuel will give me my hope back, that there is such a thing as trust and compa.s.sion.

"Just a warning. You don't want to stay with the likes of her." He then looks back towards me.

"Do us all a favor and go back to where you went to hide." He looks at his girlfriend and just as when we were younger they both give away a cold laugh that still makes me shiver from my head to my toes.

"What was all that about, Grace?" I hear Samuel say, but my body is still so shocked at seeing that couple that I can't answer and only watch them walk away.

"Grace."

"Grace." I can hear his voice, but my ears don't take the noise in so his words are just an unrelated noise that I can just ignore until he takes a hold of my hand and comes to sit in front of me.

"What the f.u.c.k was that about?" He asks me in a quiet yet firm voice so as not to bring more attention to our little solitude. I run my fingers through my hair and begin to pull at the strands as if by pulling them out from their roots I can relieve some of the tension that is welling up inside me. It won't work; it didn't work last time only leaving my hair in shreds and half of it missing.

"Grace, please." I look up into his eyes and I am sure that he can see the tears that are building up in my eyes, making everything unclear just as I feel the first tears fall down my cheeks. All of a sudden I am engulfed by Samuel's broad body, I can feel every muscle of his upper body flex as he moves his arms around me, smothering me almost with his care, protecting me.

If only.

In what feels like my own bubble I am led through the park and through the town back to the hotel. When we get back Samuel sits me down on the settee and then sits down in front of me like it is where he belongs. I want someone to belong there; I want him to belong there. He grazes his fingers through my hair and I can't help, but moan at the sensations that erupt before moving to my face and settling both hands on either side. With his eyes boring into my own I can hear the unpledged words that are spoken through those grey orbs.

"Please don't make me tell you." I whisper as I continue to stare into his eyes, watching his face go from angry to concern all in the blink of an eye.

"What's going on, Grace? You can tell me. You can trust me."

"I can't trust anyone."

"What would make you think that?" He asks me, still looking into my eyes as I look into his.

"Everyone" And I can't help the ongoing river that continues to fall down my face, going onto his hands, by which he seems unaffected. I want to answer him, I want to finally trust someone and tell them all there is to know about my past, but I know deep down he will only be like all the others. Just like them he will only believe what he is made to believe and it won't be my version.

"What do you mean everyone?" Tears still fall as I shake my head, fighting with myself to not go with my gut instincts and tell him what I need to. My body is so tired it seems too much to even keep my head up to look at him and before I know it, with Samuel's concerned face still watching me, I crash on the settee and close my eyes.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN.

SAMUEL.

What the f.u.c.k?

I'm pacing up and down the floor of our suite.

Did I just say our suite?

I did, I said our suite and I actually like the sound of it. I am more confused than I have ever been in my entire life and it's all to do with the woman sleeping on the settee. I thought coming to her home town was such a good idea, I stupidly thought that coming here would make her open up more on her past. She has been getting better; she is so much more confident and sure of herself that she just glows in life. I couldn't have been more wrong, as soon as I told her where we were going I saw her whole body go so stiff before me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. She was a completely different person, she was that scared girl again that I had first met and there was nothing I could do to ease her discomfort. I was determined to find out more about her, I was sure that she was the one my uncle was looking for. When I spoke to him the other day he told me more about his great love, the woman he allowed out of his life and he promised to send me a photo. When I saw that photo it was like staring at the woman who was quickly taking my mind over and I was so sure that I had found the right woman. I needed more information, though, and I was so sure that this was the right way to go about it, but I was so wrong. But I wasn't going to give up. As much as I don't want her to be upset I carried on anyway with my plan. When she saw where we were staying her face was beautiful, she looked so happy that all I wanted to do was try to keep that smile there all day, but it didn't last. She was so quiet last night and today that I thought it couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. She was in stiff mode all day, as if she was expecting something to happen and then that d.i.c.khead turned up and the only way I can explain it is that she was in complete fear and shock. Her body was as cold and stiff as ice, even though there was warmth around us. I wanted to punch the b.a.s.t.a.r.d for upsetting my girl. My girl, she's my girl, and mine to protect from d.i.c.ks like him. As I think back through what the b.a.s.t.a.r.d said and her reaction after I can't help, but think her secrets are to do with him. If he hurt her I will hunt him down and he'll f.u.c.king wish he were never born. I can't stand bullies; there is no room in my life or hers for s.h.i.theads like him. I look down at her and she looks beautiful as she lies there, so peaceful in her sleep. All I want to do is protect her and love her till the end of time. I stop dead in my tracks as I continue to look at her and I realize that this messed-up woman who holds so many secrets has been able to do something that so many women before her have only dreamed of with me.

I'm in love.

I'm in love with this amazing and brave woman.

I'm in love with her. I can't help, but keep repeating the words in my head and with each word that falls from my lips I can feel my heart come alive. It's as if my whole body has come alive since I first met her, my body's sensitivity has increased to optimum levels and each breath I take or each touch when I'm with her leaves me weak yet strong all at once. I never thought this was even possible, my father, uncle and all my sister's and cousin's husbands have all told me how you know when you have met the one. The one woman you are meant to be with. Your very existence is to make her happy and love her and as I think of Grace I can finally say I know it to be true. Spending time with Grace is so easy, she may be a closed book and I may have my work to do, but she will be worth it. It won't matter what her secrets are, I want to be there with her, to help her through them. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, making her happy and having my own family with her. I can't help, but think of a beautiful little girl with blue eyes and pigtails having me wrapped around her little finger. I can't help the smile and the giggle as I picture her in my mind. I am drawn back to the now when I hear a sudden cry. When I turn around I see that Grace is tossing and turning on the settee with sweat covering her entire body. She is muttering away to herself and as I get closer I can hear her moans.

"No"

"No.....No....No."

"Daniel, please, no." And then the moans are replaced by a sudden shout and all I want to do is wake her from her nightmares.

"N.........no."

GRACE.

My mum and stepfather are entertaining their guests again. I can hear the boom boom boom of the music as the vibrations make their way through the house and to my small room on the second floor. I lie on my small bed on my stomach trying to do my math's homework, but as always it's difficult with the noise coming from downstairs. But I try my hardest, as always. My stepfather's son has come to visit again this weekend. His name is Daniel and he goes to the same school as me, he's one of the many bullies that pick on me on a daily basis, but I have gotten so used to it that I just try to ignore them. It's been going on for as long as I can remember. I'm the daughter of the town wh.o.r.e, who always smells and wears dirty clothing so all the other kids just call me names. I have no friends, I'm not wanted at home and my mere existence annoys the woman who gave birth to me so much that she hardly talks to me. It's alright, though, it's been going on for so long that I have just gotten used to it and it means that I can concentrate on my schoolwork. I live in the rougher part of town, where the other children seem to run wild but me, I am just content to stay in my room and try to better myself. As soon as I can I'm leaving the town that hates me and I'm going to make something of myself. I'm going to prove everyone wrong who has ever said that I am worthless and won't amount to anything. I don't know if it's true, but I sometimes have dreams of a better life, a life where I am loved by both my mother and father and I will get it back. I will make my mother proud, and if he's out there someone, my father too. Of course, my mother always reminds me how I ruined everything; how my father couldn't stand to look at me and forced us out to live here. I don't know how much of it's true and as much as my mother continues with her taunts on a daily basis she's mostly high as a kite when she does, so I try not to listen, just like everyone else. The thoughts of getting away from here and doing something important with my life keep me going. I hear the shouts of the people downstairs, who undoubtedly are doing some sort of drugs, so I don't hear my bedroom door open. I am trying to concentrate on a particular sum when all of a sudden I feel a hand around my mouth and nose and all the air is sucked away from me as I go into panic mode.

"Don't make a sound, you little b.i.t.c.h." My blood turns cold as I hear my stepbrother's voice in my ear and I can feel his breath on my neck. My whole body turns cold as I feel him move on top of me, trapping me in my own bed just as I break out in a hot sweat.

Oh my G.o.d, what's he going to do to me?

s.h.i.t, I'm so scared that I can't make my body try and fight him as he moves around on top of me, pushing harder against my mouth and nose.

"I've been looking forward to this." He suddenly moves an arm around my neck and I'm sure he's going to kill me with the amount of pressure he uses. Just then his hand that is covering my mouth and nose is removed, but before I can make a sound he is forcing some fabric into my mouth. He quickly turns me around so I am on my back, my homework on the floor in a mess and he forcibly moves my arms to above my head and begins to tie them to the metal headboard. Once my hands are tied so tight that there is no hope of me escaping, he gets up off me and just stands by the foot of my bed, watching me. All I can do is watch him, begging him with my eyes to just untie me and let me go. I don't know what he's going to do to me and I'm so scared I just want to melt away. Vanish and become unseen like all the other times I am around people.

"Look at you. You look so pathetic just lying there, scared." He steps towards me and gives me a slap across my face, the sting takes my breath away and tears start to well up in my eyes.

"That's for being the daughter of the town wh.o.r.e who ruined my parents' marriage." His face holds so much anger that I hardly recognize the teenager that stands above me and all I can do is shake my head as he just laughs at me while I try to speak through the fabric in my mouth.

"Let's see if you're just like mummy."

"N.......no."

I sit straight up, my breathing coming in so fast that I find it difficult to take in any air and when I do it feels like it's burning all the way to my lungs.

I'm in h.e.l.l, that's the only way to describe the way I feel. I'm hot and sweaty and yet cold all at the same time. Oxygen burns as I breathe it in and it hurts so much with each deep breath I take, my skin feels sensitive and I can still feel his fingers on me. The way his fingers scratched down my back and I can feel the blood and open skin he left behind. My scalp feels like my hairs have been ripped out of their follicles and my core remembers the beating it went through as he ripped through my virginity like it was trash, like I was trash. The tears are freefalling down my cheeks and I can't control them as I hear his voice in my head, tormenting me with every word he said.

"I'm going to make you scream."

"You're a wh.o.r.e, just like your mother."

"You walk around school like you're better than everyone else."

"Wh.o.r.e wh.o.r.e wh.o.r.e wh.o.r.e." I keep deep-breathing, just hoping the burning will go away and with it take his horrible voice. But it's not just his voice, I can hear another one, one I have fought so long to try and disappear, but she's come back and she reminds me how sweet a knife can be.

"It will make it all go away. You know it will."

"You know where they're kept, just get one and make it all better."

"Go on, do it."

"Do it."

I am completely unaware of what's going on around me. I am in a darkness that is so intense there is no way to escape. I don't even remember where I am, the darkness consumes everything around me and all I can concentrate on are the voices and the need to make everything disappear. I need it, I know I do, the thought of slicing through my skin, making my self feel the hurt of everyone I have ever been around, is consuming me, eating away at my brain like a locust attacking its prey. I need to make the voices disappear, if they go I can control my thoughts better, but they continue to torment me, making it more and more difficult to think of anything else, but the silver gleam of a kitchen knife.

"Go get one, go on, do it."

"The release and pain will be so good. You know it will."

"DO IT." I want to, I so desperately want to slice at my own skin and take away the pain with the flow of my own blood, but something is holding me back, something that still gives me the release I need. If I can just make do with my band, my faithful band that is always there for me whenever I need it. Just sitting there on my wrist, reminding me that no use will come of listening to the voices that try to control me. Just like that, I place the band between my fingers and feel the snap as it attacks my skin; the release is instant as I repeat my mantra.

"I don't need it, go away."

"I'm stronger than that. I'm stronger."

"Go away." I keep repeating the words that have been so useful in the past and slowly I begin to remember it was only a dream, Daniel can no longer hurt me, it was only a dream and I become more aware of my surroundings and with that a new voice and gentle touch replace the bad.