Unworthy Part 8

"Grace, wake up, baby."

"It's just a nightmare."

I don't know how long he's been talking to me, trying to get through, but I can hear the pain in his voice as he gently rubs my arm and when I slowly open my eyes his relief and happiness are apparent. This man cares for me and although I don't understand it, I know he may be able to help me and with that and the beautiful smile that now graces his face I realize that he's broken down another small layer of my broken heart.

CHAPTER SEVETEEN.

GRACE.

My breaths are coming in heavy and I want to reach into the depths of my hair and pull each strand until they fall from their roots or just attack my band until my wrist is red raw from the attack.

Do it.

Do it.

Do it, you know you want to. Why won't the voices go away? I haven't heard them in my head for such a long time and now it appears they are back with a vengeance, tempting me with their hypnotizing words. I'm drowning in them and they are suffocating me, taking away the air I breathe and my sense of worth.

You're worthless.

No-one wants you around.

Do it.

I want to do as they say, maybe then the voices will go away, but something seems to be holding me back, stopping me from harming myself any further than I ever have and I feel mad and relieved all at the same time.

"Are you OK, Grace?" I turn to look at the man who is slowly breaking down all the walls I have built up around my heart, so many walls that would never break and show what lies within. I had thought those walls would protect me, but I never a.s.sumed there would be a man like Samuel in my future. I can't allow myself to be consumed by him and think he could feel anything similar to how I'm beginning to feel for him. What am I feeling, though? I don't really think I can quite place a finger on it. It's so confusing that I can almost feel like I am losing my mind.

"Grace?" I shake my head to come back into the now at his quiet words.

"Sorry, what did you ask?" He places both hands on my cheeks so that we are facing each other, blue eyes looking deep into dark grey ones that hold so much concern. He gives me a gentle, almost timid smile.

"I asked if you were OK"

"I'm OK." I say, trying to sound as convincing as possible, there is no way I can tell him about my past, the way he will think of me after will be too awful to comprehend. There is no way I can go back to being that girl again "I don't believe you."

"That doesn't mean anything."

"I think it does. I saw the way you were having that nightmare."

"I...it wasn't a n...nightmare."

"I think we both know that it was. Tell me about it."

"Look, I don't normally talk about my past, OK." Oh G.o.d, please let him stop now. I really don't want to get into it, especially now, but the look he is giving me is telling me anything other than that it's over. I take in a deep breath.

"Fine." Another deep breath and I can feel my hands sweating while my body turns as cold as ice.

"I've always lived with my mother. I don't think she ever really liked me. I don't remember much of my father, except us living in a big house with three other girls that were my Father's other children. His wife was nice, but I'm sure no-one knew I was his daughter. My mum was their maid and then one day it was all different. Apparently my mother believes we were forced out of that house because of me. She never let me forget it and I've lived with it all my life. I don't remember where we all lived, what my father looks like; I could probably pa.s.s him in the street and not even know him."

"That's quite the story."

"I know, tell me about it."

"It doesn't explain the nightmares." Samuel raises his eyebrows in a questioning look.

"You're right. It doesn't, except that that is what I dream about."

"You spoke about a man called Daniel?"

"He's just my stepbrother. He used to pick on me, that's all. I dream of lots of different things about my father and mother, but sometimes there are other things as well." He seems to be happy with my answer, thank G.o.d. I can't help, but let out a yawn and as if my eyes have only just opened I realize that it is still dark outside.

"We have a long day tomorrow; I think I will go to bed." I slowly get up off the couch and begin to step away from Samuel and towards my comfortable bed until he speaks his next words and I am stopped dead by the fear they conjure up.

"This conversation isn't over. I know there's more to the story." I don't turn around to look at him because if I do I will fall down the hole of my horrors and tell him everything that has ever happened to me. That might not be so bad, it would mean he wouldn't keep asking me questions, but the thought of that actually makes me feel sad. What's that all about? It doesn't make sense. I have never been like this before with another human being, let alone a man of such beauty that bewitches my mind, entrapping me within his world without letting me go.

"Good night, Samuel." And with those words I make my way to my bedroom and close my door so that I can get some s.p.a.ce from him. As soon as the door is closed I lean against it and slowly allow my legs to collapse from beneath me, allowing me to fall on the soft carpet while my mind is racing with thoughts of the b.l.o.o.d.y man. He's invading every thought, turning me into someone I never thought I would be. I slowly get up and my feet are still unsteady as I begin to undress and get into my comfy pajamas, the ritual I use trying to force the thoughts of Samuel from my mind. But as hard as I try it doesn't seem to work, nothing seems to work, and I have no idea why and that's more annoying than anything. When we are together he consumes my thoughts, when we are apart he consumes my thoughts like he's a d.a.m.n infestation of my entire mind and body. The whole thing is maddening and I really don't know what to make of it. The strangest thing of all is how I reacted once I woke from my nightmare. That wasn't normal, normally I would have woken up in such a state I wouldn't be able to sleep for a week, but right now, even though it's scared me and made me think of that horrible day all over again, I actually feel quite calm. The last time I dreamed of him was before I moved to London and it seems quite certain that the only reason I dreamed of it today is because I saw him. I can still feel the sickness and the p.r.i.c.kles all over my skin whenever he is near me, but Samuel is a calming influence. How can that be? I feel so confused and as I lie in the comfortable bed I just can't relax enough to manage sleep.

SAMUEL.

I watch her walk away from me with so many unanswered questions.

Why does she always walk away?

No-one ever walks away from me, but she is doing everything that no-one would ever consider and it makes me love her more.

I am in love with her. It sounds so nice in my head that I want to be able to f.u.c.king shout it from the roof tops, but I know that isn't possible. There is no way Grace is ready to hear me say the words I so desperately want to tell her, but I can wait. She is worth the wait and I will wait forever if it means I get to spend even a small amount of time with her the way I want. Now that I have found her I'm not going to lose her. After our little talk I need to speak to my uncle again, that is the first time she has ever delved into her past and I think in her own little way she just confirmed what I believe. Although I don't know how she will take the news once we tell her. We will have to be so careful when we tell her, this will change her life. Hopefully change her life for the better; she has obviously had a rough life I just only wish she would trust me enough to tell me what happened. I would bet a day's earnings that it all has something to do with the guy we met at the park earlier today and I am sure his name is Daniel.

But what did he do to her?

What are her secrets?

How can I get her to trust me enough to tell me and help her?

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.

GRACE.

The next day even though I haven't slept I get up early. The night before, even though I tried, I couldn't get the image of Daniel out of my head. The way he looked that night, the way he touched me relived in my head as if it were happening right there and then every time I closed my eyes and let the darkness in. I hadn't had a nightmare like that in such a long time and I had kind of forgotten how scary and powerful they are. When I eventually get the courage to get up and face Samuel I step out of my room and am face to face with Samuel with a towel wrapped around his waist and his chest glistening with beads of water. Beads that are very slowly working down his hard chest that is inviting me to lick with my tongue.

Where did that thought come from?

Why is he doing this to me?

I don't like the emotions that he is erupting like a volcano deep inside me. I don't know why, but I can't take my eyes away from him, I envisioned before what he would look like without a shirt on but looking at him now my past thoughts did not do him justice. The man is ripped like a G.o.d, just standing there with so many muscles sculpting his chest. As I look up and down his chest, taking him all in, memorizing him so I would always have this vision, I notice he has a nipple bar in his left nipple.

WOW.

I bet that would be fun to play with - and there goes another stupid thought. Maybe I should just leave now while I can still leave with my sanity in tact. Over that same nipple and going over his amazing pecs and to and around his shoulder is an arrangement of black lines in different patterns. Some are thick and as long as the whole tattoo, others just appear to be thin and small, but the whole thing as one is simply a work of art as it sits in contrast to his winter-pale skin. I find I am drawn to look at the tattoo, that I can't look away until I hear a cough and I remember where I am. I feel myself blush as I look up into Samuel's face and I can see his smirk.

"Would you like to take a picture? It might last longer." And the b.a.s.t.a.r.d laughs, he actually laughs as he awaits an answer from me, but I have nothing to say. I've been caught staring and he knows the effect he continues to have on me.

Why must he always have the upper hand?

It's as if he is always one step in front of me and reading my thoughts so he knows exactly what to do to unravel me. I can feel those eyes roaming my body and the smirk he gives me confirms that he is confident with me seeing him like this. It makes me sick at how over-confident he is.

"I....I wasn't." I take a breath as I try to look away from him, if I do that I might be able to regain some sort of control.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I attempt to move away from him, but he grabs my hand in a firm hold.

"Perhaps you would feel less uncomfortable if I saw you in a towel?" He raises an eyebrow and places his arms across his stomach to block my view, but all I can think of are his words. Why on earth would he say that to me, I'm too fat to be seen in just a towel? He's mocking me; he's trying to make me give in so he has the chance to laugh at me further. Oh my G.o.d, he makes me so mad. For the first time in my life I want to hit him and knock the smile right off his face. Well, I'm sorry, rich boy. I may be many things, but I am not stupid. I take a deep breath and remove his hold on my arm and with that I turn away from him and continue my journey to the sitting area to place my order for breakfast.

Well done, Grace that told him. Oh G.o.d, who am I trying to kid? Because it's definitely not telling me anything except that I am being too consumed and easily affected by him.

This whole situation is so maddening.

We eat breakfast in complete silence and although I am mad at myself for reacting the way I did to him and his beautiful naked chest, I am even more annoyed at him and his stupid words. But I can't help, but feel comfortable in his silent presence. That would never have really happened before, even with someone of the same s.e.x. It's crazy how Samuel is beginning to affect me so.

It's annoying and frustrating is what it is, but I am kind of enjoying it. I have to shake my head to get rid of those silly thoughts as Samuel dabs at his mouth with his napkin and I instantly feel envious of the stupid thing. So what if it is so close to his mouth, so close that if it were me I would have been able to feel his breath on my skin, feel my skin come alive in goose b.u.mps as his breath sets fire to my skin lighting it in a force so strong I wouldn't be able to resist? I could quit easily, reach over and feel those full lips against my own as I take control and kiss what I want.

What I want? Did I want him? Of course you do, you stupid cow, who wouldn't? You would have to be a complete fool not to realize what a catch you have in front of you, but the truth of the matter is that no matter how much I want him he wouldn't want me. The only reason he said what he said earlier was so that he had a reason to laugh at me, just like everyone else. My feelings like so many others are best kept under lock and key where no-one will ever find them. The repercussions of the world finding out would be so soul-destroying for me that I fear I would never recover. I know that I would never recover from it and it is best to keep every thing locked up where they can never hurt me again. I hear Samuel cough from his position at the other end of the table. I look up at him and for the first time that day I take a really good look at him and realize he is wearing a dark grey suit that matches his eyes perfectly and fits him just as much. His black tie in contrast to his white shirt makes me want to rip them from his body and have him use them on me. To have him tie me up with that black material making me completely vulnerable to his every whim, making my knickers feel damp as I can't help, but think of all the things he could do to me.

Why on earth am I having thoughts like that? After what happened all those years ago you would think to be controlled would be the last thing I would want. It should be the last thing I want and as much as I know that to be true I can't help, but know that I would be safe in Samuel's care. I can't take these thoughts any longer, they are so confusing, and I can't get my head around them. I can't help, but notice the strong reaction I have to him, pulling me towards him as if he has thrown a rope around me and is dragging me back towards him, making me completely unable to stop him. I don't like feeling like this, feeling powerless around him is something I never want to feel again, but every time I am in Samuel's presence the pull only seems to get stronger. I shake my head in any way to get all those thoughts that consume me out of my head but they merely laugh at my attempts and all I want to do is hide away, to cry and control the need to hurt myself.

SAMUEL.

I can't sleep.

Why am I always trying to get a reaction out of her?

I am being a b.a.s.t.a.r.d, but deep down I hope it will help her open up a bit more. She is a closed book and I just want to know more about her, but she just doesn't give anything away. I think it must be around four in the morning when I decide to phone my uncle. With the time difference it will only be around eleven so I know it is a safe time.

"h.e.l.lo"

"Uncle, its Samuel."

"Samuel, my boy, how's it going?" I can hear him sigh as he contemplates asking me his much-needed question.

"Have you anything? Have you found her?"

"I think I may have something. I've met a girl, she works for the company. The picture you sent me, she looks remarkably like that woman."

"Oh my G.o.d. Are you sure?"

"I don't know. I haven't been able to find out much about her, although she did tell me that she remembered a little about her father. Her mother told her they were kicked out because of her. Before that she briefly remembers living in a nice house with three other girls and another woman. Then it all went wrong and she just lived with her mother who didn't really like her new situation."

"Do you know her name?" I can hear my uncle's voice crack with emotion. Just like my father they are both men who seldom show emotion except around their family, and rarely at that.

"I could have someone look into her, find out more about her."

"I think that might be a good idea. There is only so much I can do from here and we will be going to Spain in a few hours." I can hear a sudden relaxed tone to his breathing.

"Your father and I are very proud." To hear him say those words is something I have always longed for and I can't help, but feel pride at the fact that I am hearing that word more and more from the two men I can only hope to be like.

"You are doing so well over there." I feel my eyes well up with unshed tears at his words. Why, I have no idea. I never allow myself to be affected by things, which is why I am so affected by my feelings for Grace. From day one I could feel a force drawing me to her like a moth to a flame and I am powerless to stop myself. To be honest, I don't really want to stop myself, but back then I just a.s.sumed that was because I wanted to get Grace in my bed. Not any more, I want more; I want a life with the woman I love. A woman who is nowhere near as ready to hear about my love for her and the future I see with her as I am to give up. Samuel Harding always gets what he wants and I will work every day to make sure she knows how much I love her and how I want to spend the rest of my life with her and only her.

"Samuel, are you still there?"

"Samuel?"

I can hear my uncle's voice getting closer and closer to bringing me back from my thoughts that are making me so happy. I have a long way to go till I can be as happy as that for real and I will work to get it. Something tells me that Grace deserves happiness more than any other person I know.

"Samuel."

"Sorry, uncle, I'm here."

"Are you OK? You seemed to have zoned out there for a while."

"Sorry, I'm fine; I was just distracted by something."

"Could that something be the same thing we have been talking about?" I can never keep anything from my uncle. Even as a boy my uncle was the one who knew when something bothered me and could be the only one to get me to talk about it, but not this time. I want my love for Grace to be just between us. I need to let her now my feelings for her gently so as not to scare her and the last thing she needs are for my family to tell her. That is what would happen if I told my uncle my feelings and to be honest I don't think I could handle my sister's constant nagging.

"Samuel." I can hear him laughing as he tries to get the words out.

"Whoever she is, she has got to you." His laughter gets louder and although it torments me I can't help the smile at what his laughter signifies.

"Goodbye, uncle. Sleep well." And with that I put my cell back on the coffee table.

How can I make Grace see how I feel about her without scaring her away? I can see it in her eyes as soon as something happens she isn't comfortable with she runs away from it. She will not be running away from me, I won't allow her to know that I have found her. I won't be giving her up for anything. She has run away from everything in her past and I'm sure that it has a lot to do with her mother or that d.i.c.k we met yesterday. If they have hurt my Grace I will hunt them down and make them pay. I can see all the emotions play on her beautiful features as she struggles with everything that is going on inside her head and all I want to do is make it better for her, but I have no idea how until she trusts me enough to tell me and I don't see that happening any time soon. It doesn't matter. I have all the time in the world and the best thing is Grace will be by my side.

CHAPTER NINETEEN.