Two Burlesques of Lord Chesterfield's Letters Part 4

"Since wrote in a hand, both the worst, and the least, "In my life I beheld, it must needs be confess'd: "And rather, by far, I'd have lost the whole sum, "Than such a vile scrawl from your hand should have come.

[y] Page 113. third volume.

[z] In spelling, my son, I shall give you your due, For so great a proficient on _yearth_ I ne'er knew; "_Enduce_, for induce, you now actually spell, "For grandeur, _grandure_, which to you sounds as well; "Two capital blunders, I beg you will note, "Since few of my house-maids such stuff wou'd have wrote:"

To give my ideas at once their full scope, Your progress in nonsense, inclines me to hope, That soon an epistle, from you I shall see, Wherein will be spelt the word joy with a g.

[z] Page 81. third volume.

[a] I well am inform'd, there is still in your speech, "A most disagreeable hobble, or hitch;"

Not yet to have conquer'd bad habits, dear Phil, With me, needs must wear the appearance of ill; Still falsely attach'd to the errors of youth, Still aukward in manners, in speech still uncouth: I dare not the flattering hope entertain, That you, as an orator, credit will gain; If so, to my pride 'twill an overthrow be, And certain disgrace must accrue unto thee: "[b] At Athens, to orat'ry, such the respect, "That of it, herb women, were judges correct:"

But lest my a.s.sertion with you shou'd want weight, I'll venture a story in point to relate: [a] Page 42. ditto.

[b] Page 43. third volume.

_Theophrastus_, at _Athens_, one day in the street, By chance, with an herb-woman, happen'd to meet; A question he ask'd: he not speaking Greek pure, A _stranger_ she call'd him,--of this I am sure, Thou art not of _Athens_, a city renown'd, For oratory, elegance, learning profound: Her judgment I praise, not mistaken was she, It prov'd, that of _Athens_, no native was he: Apply to yourself, what above I have wrote, That you, thro' neglect, may no stranger be thought: I ne'er can the study enough recommend, Your fortune, and character, on it depend; My protection you'll forfeit, the truth I must speak, [c] Unless you a figure in Parliament make.

[c] Page 283. second volume.

"[d] On carving, a hint I shall venture to give, "Attention it claims, ev'ry day that you live: "Do you carve with _adroitness_, the truth prithee own, "Without hacking, at least half an hour cross a bone: "Or spatt'ring the sauce in your company's faces, "And into their pockets o'erturning the gla.s.ses;"

While labouring you seem, and at no common rate, With your sleeve, all the time, in your next neighbour's plate?

Such aukward behaviour admits no excuse, 'Tis avoided with ease, by attention and use; I therefore shall hope, that e'er this you are able, To acquit yourself well at the head of a table: The reverse shou'd it prove (which good heav'n avert) Believe me, the shock, I but ill could support; To find you _distrait_, aukward, clumsy, ill-bred, And only in books, not in manners well read; I frankly confess, I shall wish from my soul, We two may be distant, as South from North pole.

[d] Page 68. ditto.

With regard to your gallantry, much has been said, 'Tho silence profound, you observe on that head, "[e] Your converse with women, respectful must be, "But likewise observe _au meme temps enjoue_: "[f] On score of their beauty, good sense, or their graces, "The s.e.x you may flatter, all times, in all cases; "They love admiration, and think it can ne'er, "On any conditions be purchas'd too dear: "These hints from the s.e.x, must with care be conceal'd, "No mercy expect if they once are reveal'd;"

Revenge is their pa.s.sion, and well I discern, "[g] Like Orpheus, in pieces, by them you'd be torn:"

"[h] One maxim pray treasure as long as you live, "No mark of contempt either s.e.x will forgive; "The vanity flatter'd of women, or men, "Ensures you success with just nine out of ten:"

[e] Page 332. second volume.

[f] Page 57. ditto.

[g] Page 57. second volume.

[h] Page 178. third volume.

Resolve me a question I wish much to know, "[i] Your pa.s.sion, how stands it, for _Madame de Blot_?

"Does she list to your tale, are there hopes of success?

"To me, you the secret, may safely confess: "On giving the _mohair_, occasion will serve, "_Pour faire le galant_, which you'll doubtless observe;"

Te Deum I'll sing when the vict'ry is sure,-- 'Tho much I suspect you'll not prove her _meilcour_; "She, constant has been to her husband, they say, "And married, poor soul! 'bove a year and a day;"

Small chance do you stand with a woman so chaste,-- Exclude her, at once, from the region of taste A beauty obdurate, to lovers a score!

At Paris, the thing was ne'er heard of before; By you, if the willow, for her must be worn, No French woman she, in her heart, I'll be sworn.

[i] Page 351. second volume.

"In all that you do, and whatever you say, "I hope, to the Graces, you sacrifice pay, "a.s.siduously courted, their favour you'll gain,"

So shall not, my labour of love, "be in vain."

FOOTNOTES:

[1] Mr. _Harte_, Mr. _Stanhope_'s tutor.

[2] Slovenly air.

[3] Those little nothings that give the ton.

[4] High Court, or Jubilee Days.

[5] A famous dancing master at that time in Paris.

[6] Mr. Stanhope's gentleman.

[7] No distortion of countenance, or aukward behaviour; no absence of mind; but to keep the Graces always in remembrance.

[8] Mr. Stanhope dined one day with some company at his father's, when the following circ.u.mstance happen'd, which so much enrag'd him, that he called for his servant to take him from table and wash him clean.

[9] A female polisher of manners.

[10] Have your stiffness remov'd.

[11] You should dress like a man of the great world.

[12] Always in the fashion, and your cloaths well put on.

[13] What success with the Graces.

[14] The great art of pleasing.

[15] The amiable, the every thing.

FINISH.