They Call Me Naughty Lola Part 6

Whenever I try to cancel myLRBsubscription, I suffer stigmata and holy visions dance around my bedroom like so many drunken midgets. Man, 41, Leicester. Possibly the Messiah, or something. Box no. 6108.

1 Does not exist.

2 The advertiser is alluding to Battlestar Galactica, an American television series that began with a three-hour pilot aired in 1978 and starred Lorne Greene, Richard Hatch and Dirk Benedict as part of the crew of a battleship of near-extinct humans in search of a fabled planet called Earth.

3 Andromeda: American science-fiction television series.

4 Salman Rushdie: author. Gerald Kaufman: Labour Member of Parliament. Kurt Neumann: director of the 1958 horror cla.s.sic The Fly, in which a scientist experimenting with a teleportation device accidentally merges his molecular structure with that of a fly trapped in his machine. Gerald Kaufman was first mentioned in the LRB personals in 1999 after chairing that year's Booker Prize. His name was mentioned in many ads over the course of the next two years, earning a cult-like status among personal advertisers for no apparent reason whatsoever.

5 In Zoroastrianism, Angra Manyu is the ruler of the forces of evil.

6 The advertiser is thought to be referring to Dr John Irving Bentley, who died in mysterious circ.u.mstances aged ninety-two at his home in Coudersport, Pennsylvania, on 5 December 1966. Don Gosnell, a meter-reader from the North Penn Gas Co., had been doing his daily rounds and called at Bentley's home on North Main Street. While reading the meter in the bas.e.m.e.nt, Gosnell noticed a strange smell and a peculiar blue smoke. He went upstairs to investigate and found Bentley's cremated remains in the bathroom. The lower half of Bentley's right leg was all of his body that remained intact, yet the rubber tips on his walking frame hadn't been damaged and there was very little scorching on the nearby bathtub. Indeed, apart from a hole burned through the linoleum floor, there was very little fire damage to the bathroom at all. The coroner recorded a verdict of 'death by asphyxiation and 90 per cent burning of the body'. The story of Dr Bentley is one of the most doc.u.mented cases of spontaneous human combustion (SHC), which is a theory applied to instances of death where a person has seemingly caught fire without any obvious explanation.

7 Partwork magazine focusing on the paranormal and published by Orbis in 1982. Re-issued regularly since then.

8 Porton Down, in Wiltshire, is home to the Porton Down Defence Science and Technology Laboratory, a facility for military, chemical and biological weapons research.

9 Jor-El is the biological father of Superman. The Phantom Zone is a fictional dimension in the Superman comics that is used as a method of imprisonment. From here, prisoners can observe the normal dimension but cannot interact with it.

10 The advertiser is quoting an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, an American science-fiction television series continuing the Star Trek franchise.

11 Maria de Agreda, also known as Maria de Jesus or the Blue Nun. Born in 1602, she is believed to have endured ecstasies and divine visions from an early age. Four years after her death, Franciscans reported that, whilst alive, at twenty-two she had been mystically transported to Mexico to convert indigenous tribes and had subsequently made five hundred journeys through the air for the same purpose in just one year.

12 Googlewhack: internet search term consisting of two words (without quotation marks) that yields a single result. When this ad was originally published, it was indeed a Googlewhack. Now, however, the search term yields no results.

13 Commander of the Death Star, the Galactic Empire's ultimate terror weapon.

"Failure? Pah!

I invented the

word"

The most used b.u.t.ton on my keyboard is the underscore. I haven't used it once in the making of this ad. I don't know what that says about my personality, but I'm fairly confident it isn't good. Woman, 32. Box no. 8653.

I used to have the sharpest mind in the land; now I can't even find my pen. Waithere it is! Pens, and offers of s.e.x, please, to retired professor (M, 71). Box no. 8308.

I used to be exactly 29 days ahead of my time. I've just wasted all that writing this ad. Currently I stand at just 3 hours. I'll spend that regretting not having stamps. Box no. 6354.

This personal ad is in excellent condition when packed. When used however, it may be found to contain some crystals. These crystals are common salt and are perfectly harmless. The condiment of love demands your Pot Noodle;1 the fork of reason your reconst.i.tuted soya. Loser (M, 33) fishing out all the dried peas before the kettle is boiled at box no. 3621.

But it was all over at the main course, when the lobster made his neck enlarge and the waiter had to perform a tracheotomy with the dessert spoon. After that, any sort of physical love was out of the question. Yet we remained good (if largely silent) friends. Sound familiar? Stop me if I'm wrong, but I think this girl (buxom, 51, all woman) is talking your language. Don't be afraidthis sort of intimacy is only natural. Box no. 4721.

Terrorist Amazon reviewer: '1 starthis book sucks big time/I've had more fun operating on my own cataracts/this book is the most entertainment you'll have providing you use it for smacking geese in your local park rather than actually reading it.' Sound familiar, publicity departments of the fourth estate? M, 43, holed up at home with chicken pox during the marches of '68, now reinventing anarchy in his own impotent way. Box no. 6273.

Married, divorced, married, divorced, but that doesn't mean there is a pattern developing. Optimistic lad, mid-fifties, seeks woman, for NE based relationship. Box no. 8765.

It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. Unless your house has very low ceilings. In which case, come and view our latest range of s.p.a.cious waterfront properties. Tasteful new developments, modern decor, off-road parking. Ex-revolutionary, now beaten but unbroken estate agent (41). I've made better pitches than this, you know. And had better-looking women than you. Box no. 5643.

Grave disappointment all round WLTM serious mistake in a nightie. Box no. 6453.

Failure? Pah! I invented the word. On the same day I also came up with the word 'hoosler' (noun: a person who makes a living s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g caps on to bicycle-wheel inner-tube valves) and followed that up later in the week with 'ledgtentrible' (to describe a downward sloping chin). Only the first really took off. You have to appreciate the irony. Man, 78, bis.e.xual. Box no. 3175.

Born under a bad sign: 'Skelmersdale next exit'. After that it was a life of emotional service stops and never-ending circuits on North West ring roads. Are you my final Little Chef or an emergency pull-up on the hard shoulder of despair? Man, 32. Cries like a girl and phones his mother a lot. Box no. 5285. Junction 13.

The uncomfortable mantle of guilt, the heavy cloak of ignominy, the coa.r.s.e socks of denial, the iridescent trousers of doubt, the belligerent underpants of self-loathing. All worn by the haberdasher of shame (M, 34, Pembs.). Seeks woman in possession of the Easy-Up iron-on hem of redemption and some knowledge of workaday delicates. No loons. Box no. 4635.

I once trained with the nation's best and most respected architectsnow I can't erect a garden shed. Did l.u.s.t destroy your creative energies too? Greatwrite immediately to suburban love wretch (M, 39), Tooting Broadway. Box no. 8525.

Make love to me. Or at the very least buy my car. 5-door Astra, J-reg. Good runner. 8 mnths tax, 10 mnths MOT. 60,000 miles. One careful owner. M, 38, alcoholic, bankrupt, divorced, sleeping in the ex-wife's Micra. 2,000 ono (s.e.x is extra). Box no. 5342.

She signed the letter 'All yours, Babooshka'.2 Little did I know that Babooshka wasn't, in fact, my wife trying to catch my infidelity (thanks for nothing, Kate Bush), but a gorgeous East European minx looking for no-strings love and a place to rest her tired head every now and again. If only I'd realised when I replied with a parcel of my smalls and a request to use non-bio (I have very sensitive skin). The bad-luck fairy sits permanently on the shoulders of male doofus (38) at box no. 3121.

s.e.xless, dour and uninterestingand that was just my driving-test report. Post-plucking woman (41) representing a real challenge to the sternest of male egos seeks cavalryman to 45 ready to throw off this knitted plaid mantle and cast it into the fires of l.u.s.ty abandon. Or else we could just play Jenga. Shropshire borders. Box no. 2542.

Attracting a mate with these ads is like shooting fish in a barrel. Blind marksman (M, 38), firing blanks the wrong way, seeks bigger target fitted with klaxon for narrowing of implausible odds. Dulwich. Box no. 5363.

If Mother could see me now. Fortunately her bad hip prevents her coming up the stairs too often. Man, 36, seeks woman to 40 before the stairlift engineers are called out and my love life has to run its course in shopping-centre food courts yet again. Box no. 6407.

'A game hardly worth the candle' (ex-second wife, Jan. 1997). Box no. 2549.

By the time they publish this personal ad you'll have found someone else. Two weeks too late woman (37), always at the mercy of LRB publishing cycles. Box no. 3542.

Ladies: naturally apologetic man, 42, predisposed to accepting the blame. Whatever it was, it was my fault. Sorry. Sound like heaven? Box no. 5233.

One day all these ads will be collected in a huge best-selling volume and a question on them will appear in Oxbridge undergraduate finals. Mine won't be there, of course. Entirely forgettable man (43) hoping to find humdrum woman for eventual long-term disappointment. Replies when you can be bothered to box no. 2787.

Das echte Dividuum ist auch das echte Individuum.3 At least that's what I tell my mother. And her cats. Please hold me (M, 68). Box no. 7664.

Don't reply to this adit's a fake. Just like the man who placed it. Deny nothing, regret all, but live to fight another day with phenomenologically ashamed, melanin-deprived, testosterone-poisoned scion of the patriarchal ruling cla.s.s system (32, Worcester). Box no. 7590.

How can I follow that? Man, 47. Gives up easily. Box no. 9547.

HOWZAT!4 Ex-Sherbet groupie (mulleted F, 46), currently lecturer in Fine Arts. The good days aren't coming back, are they? Please kiss me. Box no. 7958.

Don't reply to this adI'll only end up confessing that the thing about having a second book deal was a lie and there is no author tour in the pipeline. Man, 39, just secured second book deal and about to embark on author tour. Box no. 8676.

The room was silent and the tree in the corner still, its delicate baubles shimmering in the moonlight that crept through the frosted window. Outside and in the distance he fancied he could hear the jingle of bells, fading into the Northern Lights. The ground outside was blanketed thick with fresh, crisp snow. He would be out there at the rising of the sun, building snowmen and dressing them with his gloves and hat, but for the moment there were more important things to consider in the parlour. Slowly at first, so as to make the moment last that little bit longer, he teased the shiny wrapper from the corner of the box, then, with excited fingers and eyes wide, he stripped it bare, throwing the paper behind him and tearing the cardboard lid until he could see its contents peeping out. Suddenly a darkness fell upon his face. Oh no, Santa. This isn't right. Why have you let me down again? Why have you betrayed my trust? All I wanted was a woman to 40 (preferably within the M25). 'd.a.m.n you, Santa!' he cried, flinging open the window and letting the icy night fly in. 'd.a.m.n your very eyes!' 'Are you all right, son?' asked his 64-year-old mother, whom he had spent most of his adult life caring for, without any thanks, without any consolation, and without any willingness on her part even to look through the care-home brochures. 'Yes,' he sobbed softly into his sleeve, before looking up through tearful eyes; 'please hug me, Mummy.' The bells in the distance had vanished. The sun had started to rise. 'Is Santa coming back next year?' 'Yes, son, Santa always comes back for good boys.' Box no. 7966.

These ads are a sudden heady rush of pleasure in an otherwise sterile world (Runcorn). I have little to offer other than my willingness to embrace failure and a clear view of the ICI plant. Man, 45. Box no. 8653.

Lacks imagination, talks too much, frequently absent. Look at me now, Miss Webster of Year 4. History professor, 56. Lacks imagination, talks too much and is frequently absent. Seeks woman. Box no. 8025.

With Oxford bi-plane modeller (M, 51), patience and innovation are a daily experience. So too, however, is gluing my head to my shoulder. Cyanoacrylate,5 and a whole lot of lovin', please, to box no. 7990.

Shake hands with Dalkeith,6Midlothian! Official greeter and face of Dalkeith Cheese Festival, 1974, seeks woman to 50 who is no stranger to failure, debt-consolidating mortgages, and wool. Must enjoy beards and harbour contempt for any music that isn't Belgian jazz. Box no. 8970.

1 Reconst.i.tuted noodle and vegetable ramen-style snack available in the UK. Popular with students and people whose only cooking facility is a kettle.

2 Taken from 'Babooshka', single released by Kate Bush in July 1980. The song relates the story of a man who is sent a sequence of love-letters. He falls in love with the writer, reminded by their contents of his wife in the early days of their relationship 'when she was beautiful'. The author of the letters is, in fact, his wife who is writing under the a.s.sumed ident.i.ty of Babooshka in an attempt to prove her husband's adultery. Reached number five in the UK charts.

3 'The genuine dividual is also the genuine in-dividual.' From Das Allgemeine Brouillon by German author Novalis (17721801). Novalis, together with Friedrich Schlegel, developed a theory of the fragment as a literary form of art.

4 'Howzat': single released by pop group Sherbet on 25 September 1976. Reached number four in the UK, staying in the charts for ten weeks.

5 Major component of substances such as methyl-2-cyanoacrylate, also known as superglue, and the surgical glue 2-octyl cyanoacrylate. Can be softened by liberal applications of acetone, which is found in nail-polish remover.

6 'A town and a parish in the East of Edinburghshire. The town stands 182 feet above sea level on a peninsula from 3 to 5 furlongs wide, between the North and South Esk's [sic] and by roads 4 miles South by West of Musselburgh, and 6 miles South East of Edinburgh. The High Street widens Eastwards from 30 to 85 feet, and terminates at a gateway leading up to Dalkeith Palace, the princ.i.p.al seat of the Duke of Buccleuch, which palace, has centring round it all the chief episodes in Dalkeith's history, must here be treated of before Dalkeith itself.' From Ordnance Gazeteer of Scotland 1885.

Evel Knievel

chronology of jumps and injuries

1965.

Moses Lake, Washington. In a stunt to win publicity for his motorcycle dealership, Knievel leaps off a ramp to clear two mountain lions, but lands in a box of rattlesnakes.

1966.

23 JanuaryIndio, California: National Date Festival Grounds

10 FebruaryBarstow, California. Attempts to jump, spread-eagle, over a speeding motorcycle. Jumps too late and is. .h.i.t in the groin by the motorcycle and tossed fifteen feet into the air. Hospitalised.

1 JunePost Falls, Idaho: State Line Gardens

19 JuneMissoula, Montana: Missoula Auto Track. Attempts to jump twelve cars and a cargo van. Fails to reach speed required for take-off. Back wheel hits the top of the van and front wheel hits the top of the landing ramp. Suffers severely broken arm and several broken ribs.

19 AugustGreat Falls, Montana: Great Falls Speedway

30 Octoberb.u.t.te, Montana: Naranche Memorial Drag Strip

1967.

5 MarchGardena, California: Ascot Park Speedway

30 MayGardena, California: Ascot Park Speedway

28 JulyGraham, Washington: Graham Speedway. Tries to clear sixteen cars in a jump. Lands on the last vehicle, a panel truck, and is thrown from the bike. Suffers serious concussion.

18 AugustGraham, Washington: Graham Speedway. Attempts the same jump as 28 July. Hits the last vehicle again and crashes, breaking left wrist, right knee and two ribs.