The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Part 4

said he, "are not his guts taken out? No, (so help me Hercules) they are not! Bring hither, bring hither this rogue of a cook." And when he stood hanging his head before us, and said, he was so much in haste he forgot it. "How, forgot it," cry'd out Trimalchio! "Do ye think he has given it no reasoning of pepper and c.u.mmin? Strip him:" When in a trice 'twas done, and himself set between two tormentors: However, we all interceded for him, as a fault that might now and then happen, and therefore beg'd his pardon; but if he ever did the like, there was no one would speak for him; tho' for my part, I think he deserved what he got: And so turning to Agamemnon's ear, "This fellow," said I, "must be a naughty knave; could any one forget to bowel a hog? I would not (so help me Hercules) have forgiven him if he had served me so with a single fish." But Trimalchio it seems, had somewhat else in his head; for falling a laughing, "You," said he, "that have so short a memory, let's see if you can do it now." On which, the cook having gotten his coat again, took up a knife, and with a feigned trembling, ripp'd up the hog's belly long and thwart, when immediately its own weight tumbled out a heap of hogs-puddings and sausages.

After this, as it had been done of it self, the family gave a shout, and cry'd out, "Health and prosperity to Caius!" The cook also was presented with wine, a silver coronet, and a drinking goblet, on a broad Corinthian plate: which Agamemnon more narrowly viewing; "I am,"

said Trimalchio, ''the only person that has the true Corinthian vessels."

I expected, that according to the rest of his haughtiness, he would have told us they had been brought him from Corinth: But he better: "And perhaps," said he, "you'll ask me why I am the only person that have them. And why, but the copper-smith from whom I buy them, is called Corinthus? And what is Corinthian but what is made by Corinthus? But that ye may not take me for a man of no sence, I understand well enough whence the word first came. When Troy was taken, Hannibal, a cunning fellow, but withal mischievous, made a pile of all the brazen, gold and silver statues, and burnt them together, and thence came this mixt metal; which workmen afterwards carried off; and of this ma.s.s made platters, dishes, and several other things; so that these vessels are neither this nor that metal, but made of all of them. Pardon me what I say; however others may be of another mind, I had rather have gla.s.s ware; and if it: were not so subject to breaking, I'd reckon it before gold; but now it is of no esteem.

"There was a copper-smith that made gla.s.s vessels of that pliant harness, that they were no more to be broken than gold and silver ones: It so happened, that having made a drinking-pot, with a wide mouth of that kind, but the finest gla.s.s, fit for no man, as he thought, less than Caesar himself; he went with his present to Caesar, and had admittance: The kind of the gift was praised, the hand of the workman commended, and the design of the giver accepted.

He again, that he might turn the admiration of the beholders into astonishment, and work himself the more into the Emperor's favour, pray'd the gla.s.s out of the Emperor's hand; and having received it, threw it with such a force against the paved floor, that the most solid and firmest metal could not but have received some hurt thereby.

Caesar also was no less amazed at it, than concerned for it; but the other took up the pot from the ground, not broken but bulg'd a little; as if the substance of metal had put on the likeness of a gla.s.s; and therewith taking a hammer out of his pocket, he hammer'd it as it had been a bra.s.s kettle, and beat out the bruise: And now the fellow thought himself in Heaven, in having, as he fansied, gotten the acquaintance of Caesar, and the admiration of all: But it fell out quite contrary: Caesar asking him if any one knew how to make this malleable gla.s.s but himself? And he answering, there was not, the Emperor commanded his head to be struck off: 'For,' said he, 'if this art were once known, gold and silver will be of no more esteem than dirt.'

"And for silver, I more than ordinarily affect it: I have several water-pots more or less, whereon is the story how Ca.s.sandra killed her son's, and the dead boys are so well embossed, you'd think them real.

I have also a drinking cup left me by an advocate of mine, where Daedalus puts Niobe into the Trojan horse, as also that other of Hermerotes; that they may stand as a testimony, there's truth in cups, and all this ma.s.sy; ror will I part with what I understand of them at any rate."

While he was thus talking, a cup dropt out of a boy's hand; on which, Trimalchio looking over his shoulder at him, bad him begone, and kill himself immediately; "for," said he, "thou art careless and mind'st not what thou art about." The boy hung his lip, and besought him; but he said, "What! dost thou beseech me, as if I required some difficult matter of thee? I only bid thee obtain this of thy self, that thou be not careless again." But at last he discharged him upon our entreaty.

On this the boy run round the table and cry'd, "Water without doors, and wine within." We all took the jest, but more especially Agamemnon, who knew on what account himself had been brought thither.

Trimalchio in the mean time hearing himself commended, drank all the merrier, and being within an ace of quite out, "Will none of you,"

said he, "invite my Fortunata to dance? Believe me, there's no one leads a country dance better:" And with that, tossing his hands round his head, fell to act a jack-pudding; the family all the while singing, 'youth it self, most exactly youth it self ;' and he had gotten into the middle of the room, but that Fortunata whispered him, and I believe told him, such gambols did not become his gravity. Nor was there any thing more uneven to it self; for one while he turned to his Fortunata, and another while to his natural inclination: But what disturbed the pleasure of her dancing, was his notaries coming in; who, as they had been the acts of a common council, read aloud:

'VII. of the Calends of August born in Trimalchio's manner of c.u.manum, thirty boys and forty girls, brought from the threshing-floor into the granary, five hundred thousand bushels of wheat. The same day broke out a fire in a pleasure-garden that was Pompey's, first began in one of his bayliffs houses.'

"How's this," said Trimalchio: "When were those gardens bought for me?" "The year before," answered his notary, "and therefore not yet brought to account."

At this Trimalchio fell into a fume; and "whatever lands," said he, "shall be bought me hereafter, if I hear nothing of it in six months, let them never, I charge ye, be brought to any account of mine." Then also were read the orders of the clerks of the markets, and the testaments of his woodwards, rangers, and park-keepers, by which they disinherited their relations, and with ample praise of him, declare Trimalchio their heir. Next that, the names of his bayliffs; and how one of them that made his circuits in the country, turned off his wife for having taken her in bed with a barber; the door-keeper of his baths turn'd out of his place; the auditor found short in his accounts, and the dispute between the grooms of his chamber ended.

At last came in the dancers on the rope, and a gorbelly'd blockhead standing out with a ladder, commanded his boy to hopp every round singing, and dance a jigg on the top of it, and then tumble through burning hoops of iron, with a gla.s.s in his mouth. Trimalchio was the only person that admir'd it, but withal said, he did not like it; but there were two things he could willingly behold, and they were the flyers on the high rope, and quails; and that all other creatures and shows were meer gewgaws: "For," said he, "I bought once a sett of stroulers, and chose rather to make them merry-andrews than comedians; and commanded my bag-piper to sing in Latin to them."

While he was chattering all at this rate, a boy chanced to stumble upon him, on which the family gave a shriek, the same also did the guests; not for such a beast of a man, whose neck they could willingly have seen broken, but for fear the supper should break up ill, and they be forc'd to wail the death of the boy.

Whatever it were, Trimalchio gave a deep groan; and leaning upon his arm as if it had been hurt, the physicians ran thick about him, and with the first, Fortunata, her hair about her ears, a bottle of wine in her hand, still howling, miserable unfortunate woman that she was!

Undone, undone. The boy on the other hand, ran under our feet, and beseeched us to procure him a discharge: But I was much concern'd, lest our interposition might make an ill end of the matter; for the cook that had forgotten to bowel the hog was still in my thoughts. I began therefore to look about the room, for fear somewhat or other might drop through the ceiling; while the servant that had bound up his arm in white, not scarlet-colour flannen, was soundly beaten: Now was I much out, for instead of another course, came in an order of Trimalchio's by which he gave the boy his freedom; that it might not be said, so honourable a person had been hurt by his slave. We all commended the action, but chatted among our selves with what little consideration the things of this world were done. "You're in the right," said Trimalchio; "nor ought this accident to pa.s.s without booking;" and so calling for the journal, commanded it to be entered; and with, as little thought, tumbled out these verses:

"What's least expected falls into our dish, And fortune's more indulgent than our wish: Therefore, boy, fill the generous wine about."

This epigram gave occasion to talk of the poets, and Marsus, the Trachian, carry'd the bays a long while: till Trimalchio (turning to some wit amongst them) "I beseech ye, master of mine," said he, "tell me what difference take ye between Cicero the orator, and Publius the poet? for my part I think one was more eloquent, the other the honester man; for what could be said better than this."

"Now sinking Rome grows weak with luxury, To please her appet.i.te cram'd peac.o.c.ks die: Their gaudy plumes a modish dress supply.

For her the guinnea hen and capon's drest: The stork it self for Rome's luxurious taste, Must in a caldron build its humbl'd nest.

That foreign, friendly, pious, long-leg'd thing, Grateful, that with shrill sounding notes dost sing All winter's gone; yet ushers in the spring.

Why in one ring must three rich pearls be worn, But that your wives th' exhausted seas adorn, Abroad t' increase their l.u.s.t, at home their scorn?

Why is the costly emerald so desir'd, Or richer glittering carbuncle admir'd, Because they sparkle, is't with that you're fir'd?

Well, honesty's a jewel. Now none knows A modest bride from a kept wh.o.r.e by 'er cloaths; For cobweb lawns both spouse and wench expose."

"But, now we talk after the rate of the learned, which," said he, "are the most difficult trades? I think a physician and a banker: a physician, because he know's a man's very heart, and when the fits of an ague will return; tho' by the way, I hate them mortally; for by their good will I should have nothing but slubber-slops: And a banker, because he'll find out a piece of bra.s.s money, tho' plated with silver.

"There are also brute beasts, sheep and oxen, laborious in their kind: Oxen, to whom we are beholding for the bread we eat; and sheep, for the wooll, that makes us so fine. But O horrid! we both eat the mutton, and make us warm with the fleece. I take the bees for divine creatures; they give us honey, tho' 'tis said they stole it from Jupiter, and that's the reason why they sting: For where-ever ye meet any thing that's sweet you'll ever find a sting at the end of it."

He also excluded philosophers from business, while the memoirs of the family were carrying round the table, and a boy, set for that purpose, read aloud the names of the presents, appointed for the guests, to carry home with them. Wicked silver, what can it not? Then a gammon of bacon was set on the table, and above that several sharp sauces, a night-cap for himself, pudding-pies, and I know not what kind of birds: There was also brought in a rundlet of wine, boiled off a third part, and kept under ground to preserve its strength: There were also several other things I can give no account of; besides apples, scallions, peaches, a whip, a knife, and what had been sent him; as sparrows, a flye-flap, raisons, Attick honey, night-gowns, judges robes, dry'd paste, table-books, with a pipe and a foot-stool: After which came in an hare and a sole-fish: And there was further sent him a lamprey, a water-rat, with a frog at his tail, and a bundle of beets.

Long time we smiled at these, and five hundred the like, that have now slipt my memory: But now when Ascyltos, who could not moderate hirnself, held up his hands and laught at every thing; nay so downright, that he was ready to cry: A free-man of Trimalchio's that sate next above me, grew hot upon't; and "What," said he, "thou sheep, what dost thou laugh at? does not this sumptuousness of my master please you? you're richer (forsooth) and eat better every day; so may the guardian of this place favour me, as had I sate near him, I'd hit him a box on the ear ere this: A hopeful cullion, that mocks others; some pitiful night-walker, not worth the very urine he makes; and should I throw mine on him, knows not where to dry himself. I am not (so help me Hercules) quickly angry, yet worms are bred even in tender flesh. He laughs! what has he to laugh at? what wooll did his father give for the bantling? Is he a Roman knight? I am the son of a king.

How came I then, you'll say, to serve another? I did it of my self, and had rather be a citizen of Rome, than a tributary king, and now hope to live so, as to be no man's jeast. I walk like other men, with an open face, and can shew my head among the best, for I owe no man a groat; I never had an action brought against me, or said to me on the exchange, Pay me what thou owest me. I bought some acres in the country, and have everything suitable to it: I feed twenty mouths, besides dogs: I ransomed my bond-woman, lest another should wipe his hands on her smock; and between our selves, she cost me more than I'll tell ye at present. I was made a captain of horse gratis, and hope so to die, that I shall have no occasion to blush in my grave: But art thou so prying into others, that thou never considerest thy self?

Canst thou spy a louse on another man's coat, and not see the tyck on thy own? Your master then is ancienter than your self, and 't please him; but yet thou, whose milk is not yet out of thy nose; that can'st not say boh to a goose; must you be making observations? Are you the wealthier man? If you are, dine twice, and sup twice; for my part, I value my credit more than treasures: Upon the whole matter, where's the man that ever dunn'd me twice? Thou pipkin of a man, more limber, but nothing better than a strap of wet leather, I have served forty years in this house, came into it with my hair full grown; this palace was not then built, yet I made it my business to please my master, a person of honour, the parings of whose nails are more worth than thy whole body. I met several rubs in my way, but by the help of my good angel, I broke through them all: This is truth; it is as easie to make a hunting-horn of a sow's tail, as to get into this company. What make ye in a dump now, like a goat at a heap of stones?"

On this Gito, who stood behind him, burst out a laughing; which the other taking notice of, fell upon the boy; and, "Do you," said he, "laugh too, you curl-pated chattering magpye? O the Saturnals! Why how now, sirrah! is it the month of December? When were you twenty, I pray? What would this collop dropt from the gibbet, this crows-meat, be at? I'll find some or other way for Jupiter to plague thee, and him that bred thee no better, or never let me eat a good meals-meat again: I could, sirrah, but for the companies sake, I spare thee; tho'

either we understand not aright, or they are sots themselves that carry no better a hand over thee; for without doubt it is true, like master like man. I am hot by nature, and can scarce contain my self; give me but a mess of peaseporridge, and I care not two-pence for my mother. Very well, I shall meet thee abroad, thou mouse; nay, rather mole-hill. May I never thrive more, but I'll drive that master of thine into a blade of rue; nor shalt thou (so help me Hercules) 'scape me, tho' thou couldst call in Jupiter to thy aid: I shall off with those locks, and take thee when that trifling master of thine shall be out of the way; thou wilt certainly fall into my hands, and either I know not my self, or I'll make thee leave that buffoonry: Tho' thy beard were of gold, I'll have thee bruised in a mortar, and him that first taught thee: I never studied geometry, criticism, and meer words without sence, but I understand the fitting of stones for buildings; can run you over a hundred things, as to metal, weight, coin, and that to a t.i.ttle; if you have a mind you and I will try it between us: I'll lay thee a wager, thou wizard, and tho' I am wholly ignorant of rhetorick, thou'lt presently see thou hast lost: Let no one run about the bush to me; I come up to him: Resolve me, I say, 'which of us runs, yet stirs not out of his place: which of us grows bigger, and yet is less.' Do you scamper? Can't you tell what to make of it, that you look so like a mouse in a trap? Therefore either hold thy tongue, or don't provoke a better man than thy self, who does not think thee fram'd of nature, unless thou fansiest me taken with those yellow curl'd locks, which thou hast already vowed to some wh.o.r.e or other. O lucky opportunity! Come, let's walk the exchange, and see which of us can take up money: You'll be satisfied then, this iron has credit upon't; a pretty thing, is it not! a drunken fox. So may I gain while I live, and die well; but the people will brain me if I follow not that coat on thy back, which is not for thy wearing, where-ever thou goest: He's a precious tool too, whoever he were, that taught thee; a piece of green cheese, no master. I have learn'd as well as another man, and my master said it would be my own another day. Save your worship! get home as fast as you can, but look well about you, and have a care how you speak irreverently of your betters, or vie estates with them; he that does it, his purse shall feel it: For my self, that you see me as I am, I thank my stars for the art I have."

Ascyltos was making answer to his railing; when Trimalchio, pleased with that good grace of speaking, "Go to," said he, "no more of this wild talk, let us rather be pleasant: And you Hermeros, bear with the young-man, his blood boils; be thou the soberer man; he that is overcome in this matter, goes off conqueror: Even thy self, when thou wert such another capon, hadst nothing but coco, coco, and no heart at all. Let us therefore, which is the better of the two, be heartily merry, and expect some admirers of Homer, that will be here presently."

Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when in came a band of men, and made a rustling with their spears and targets. Trimalchio leaned on his pillow, the Homerists ratled out Greek verses, as, arrogantly enough, they were wont to do, and he read a Latin book with a loud voice: whereupon silence being made, "Know ye," said he, "what fable they were upon?

"Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister; Agamemnon stole him away, and shamm'd Diana with a hind in his room, as says Homer in this place; and how the Trojans and the Parentines fought among themselves; but at last he got the better of it, and married his daughter Iphigenia to Achilles; on which Ajax run mad.

And there's an end of the tale."

On this the Homerists set up a shout, and a young boiled heifer with an helmet on her head, was handed in upon a mighty charger: Ajax followed, and with a drawn sword, as if he were mad, made at it, now in one place, then in another, still acting a Morris-dancer; till having cut it into joints, he took them upon the point of his sword, and distributed them. Nor had we much time to admire the conceit; for of a sudden the roof gave a crack, and the whole room shook: For my part, I got on my feet, but all in confusion, for fear some tumbler might drop on my head; the same also were the rest of the guests; still gaping and expecting what new thing should come from the clouds: when straight the main beams opened, and a vast circle was let down, all round which hung golden garlands, and alabaster pots of sweet ointments.

While we were required to take up these presents, I chanced to cast an eye upon the table, where there lay a fresh service of cheese-cakes and tarts, and in the midst of them a l.u.s.ty rundlet, stuck round with all sorts of apples and grapes, as they commonly draw that figure.

We greedily reached our hands towards it, when of a sudden, a new diversion gave us fresh mirth; for all the cheese-cakes, apples and tarts, upon the least touch, threw out a delicious liquid perfurne, which fell upon us.

We judging the mess to be sacred, that was so gorgeously set out, stood up and began a health to the august founder, the father of his country: After which reverence, failing to catch that catch could, we filled our napkins and I chiefly, who thought nothing too good for my boy Gito.

During this, in came three boys in white, their coats tuck'd about them; of whom, two set on the table three household G.o.ds with broaches about their necks, and the other bearing round us a goblet of wine, cry'd aloud, "Be the G.o.ds favourable!" "The name of this," said he, "is cobler, that other's good-luck, and the third's spend-all:" And as the image of Trimalchio was carryed round, and every one kiss'd it, we thought it a shame not to do as the rest of the company.

After this, when all of us had wished him health and happiness, Trimalchio, turning to Niceros, "You were wont," said he, "to be a good companion, but what's the matter we get not a word from ye now?

Let me entreat ye, as you would see me happy, do not break an old custom."

Niceros, pleased with the frankness of his friend: "Let me never thrive," said he, "if I am not ready to caper out of my skin, to see you in so good a humours; therefore what I say shall be all mirth; tho' I am afraid those grave fopps may laugh: but let them look to 't, I'll go on nevertheless; for what am I the worse for any one swearing?

I had rather they laugh at what I say, than at my self."

Thus when he spake---- ----he began this tale:--

"While I was yet a servant we liv'd in a narrow lane, now the house of Gavilla: There, as the G.o.ds would have it, I fell in love with Tarentius's wife; he kept an eating-house. Ye all knew Melissa Tarentina, a pretty little punching-block, and withal beautiful; but (so help me Hercules) I minded her not so much for the matter of the point of that, as that she was good-humour'd; if I asked her any thing, she never deny'd me; and what money I had, I trusted her with it; nor did she ever fail me when I'd occasion. It so happened, that a she-companion of hers had dy'd in the country, and she was gone thither; how to come at her I could not tell; but a friend is seen at a dead lift; it also happened my master was gone to Capua to dispatch somewhat or other: I laid hold of the opportunity, and persuaded mine host to take an evenings walk of four or five miles out of town, for he was a stout fellow, and as bold as a devil: The moon shone as bright as day, and about c.o.c.k-crowing we fell in with a burying-place, and certain monument of the dead: my man loitered behind me a-star-gazing, and I sitting expecting him, fell a singing and numbering them; when looking round me, what should I see but mine host stript stark-naked, and his cloaths lying by the high-wayside. The sight struck me every where, and I stood as if I had been dead; but he p.i.s.s'd round his cloaths, and of a sudden was turned to a wolf: Don't think I jest; I value no man's estate at that rate, as to tell a lye.

But as I was saying, after he was turned to a wolf, he set up a howl, and fled to the woods. At first I knew not where I was, till going to take up his cloaths, I found them also turn'd to stone. Another man would have dy'd for fear, but I drew my sword, and slaying all the ghosts that came in my way, lighted at last on the place where my mistress was: I entered the first door; my eyes were sunk in my head, the sweat ran off me by more streams than one, and I was just breathing my last, without thought of recovery; when my Melissa coming up to me, began to wonder why I'd be walking so late; and 'if,' said she, 'you had come a little sooner, you might have done us a kindness; for a wolf came into the farm, and has made butchers work enough among the cattle; but tho' he got off, he has no reason to laugh, for a servant of ours ran him through the neck with a pitchfork.' As soon as I heard her, I could not hold open my eyes any longer, and ran home by daylight, like a vintner whose house had been robb'd: But coming by the place where the cloaths were turned to stone, I saw nothing but a puddle of blood; and when I got home, found mine host lying a-bed like an oxe in his stall, and a chirurgeon dressing his neck. I understood afterwards he was a fellow that could change his skin; but from that day forward, could never eat a bit of bread with him, no, if you'd have kill'd me. Let them that don't believe me, examine the truth of it; may your good angels plague me as I tell ye a lye."

The company were all wondring, when, "Saving what you have said,"

quoth Trimalchio, "if there be faith in man, my hair stands on end, because I know Niceros is no trifler; he's sure of what he says, and not given to talking: Nay, I'll tell ye as horrible a thing my self; but see there, what's that behind the hangings?

"When I was yet a long-hair'd boy, for even then I liv'd a pleasant life, I had a minion, and he dy'd: He was (so help me Hercules) a pearl, a paragon, nay perfection it self: But when the poor mother lamented him, and we also were doing the same, some witches got round the house on a sudden, you'd have taken them for hounds hunting a hare. We had then in the house a Cappadocian, a tall fellow, stout and hardy, that would not have stept an inch out of his way for Jupiter. He boldly drew his sword, and wrapping his coat about his left arm, leaped out of the house, and as it might be here, (no hurt to the thing I touch) ran a woman clean through. We heard a pitiful groan, but not to lye, saw none of them. Our champion came in and threw himself on a bed, but all black and blue, so he had been trosh'd with flails; for it seems some ill hand had touched him. We shut the door, and went on with our mourning; but the mother taking her son in her arms, and stroaking him, found nothing but a bolster of straw; it had neither heart, entrals, nor any thing, for the fairies belike had stollen him out of his cradle, and left that of straw instead of him.

Give me credit, I beseech ye, women are craftier than we are, play their tricks by night, and turn every thing topsy-turvy. After this our tall fellow never came to his colour again, but in a few days died raving-mad."

We all wondred, as not doubting what he said, and kissing the table in reverence to him, pray'd the privilege of the night, and that our places might be kept till we returned.

And now we thought the lamps look'd double, and the whole room seem'd quite another thing, when Trimalchio again, "I speak to you Plorimus, won't you come in for a share? Will ye entertain us with nothing, thou usedst to be a pleasant companion, couldst sing a song and tell a tale with the best; but alas! alas! the sweetmeats are gone." "My horses," said the other, "ran away with my coach, I have been troubled with the gout ever since. When I was a young fellow, I sung so long I had well nigh brought my self into a consumption. What do ye tell me of songs, tales, or barber shops? Who ever came near me but one, only Apelles;" and with setting his hand to his mouth, whistled out somewhat, I know not what, which afterwards he swore was Greek.

Trimalchio also when he mimicked the trumpets, looked on his minion and called him Crsus: Yet the boy was blear-eye'd, and swathing up a little black b.i.t.c.h with nasty teeth, and over-grown with fat, in green swadlingclouts, he set half a loaf on the table, which she refusing, he cram'd her with it: on which Trimalchio commanded the guardian of his house and family, Scylax, to be brought; when presently was led in a beautiful mastiff in a chain, who having a hint given him by a knock of the porter's foot, lay down before the table: whereupon Trimalchio throwing him a manchet; "There's no one," said he, "in this house of mine, loves me better than this dog." The boy taking it in dudgeon that Scylax should be so commended, laid the b.i.t.c.h on the floor, and challenged the dog to have a rubber with him.

On this Scylax, after the manner of dogs, set up such a hideous barking, that it fill'd the room; and snapping at him, almost rent off a brooch that hung on Crsus's breast; nor did the scuffle end here, for the great candle being overturn'd on the table, broke all the chrystal gla.s.ses, and threw the scalding oil on the guests.