The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Part 3

I observed also in the same place a troop of light-hors.e.m.e.n, with their commander exercising them, as also a large armory, in one of the angles of which stood a shrine with the G.o.ds of the house in silver, a marble statue of Venus, and a large golden box, in which it was said he kept the first shavings of his beard. Then asking the servant that had the charge of these things, what pictures those were in the middle? The Iliads and the Odysses, said he, and on the left-hand two spectacles of sword-playing. We could not bestow much time on it, for by this time we were coming to the dining-room, in the entry of which sate his steward, taking every one's account: But what I most admir'd, were those bundles of rods, with their axes, that were fastned to the sides of the door, and stood, as it were, on the brazen prow of a ship, on which was written,

TO CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO OF PRaeTORIAN DIGNITY; CINNAMUS THE STEWARD.

Under the same t.i.tle also, hung a lamp of two lights from the roof of the room, and two tablets on either side of the door; of which one, if I well remember, had this inscription,

THE THIRD AND SECOND OF THE KALENDS OF JANUARY, OUR PATRON CAIUS EATS ABROAD.

On the other was represented the course of the moon, and the seven stars; and what days were lucky, what unlucky, with an emboss'd studd to distinguish the one from the other.

Full of this sensuality we were now entring the room, where one of his boys, set there for that purpose, call'd aloud to us, "ADVANCE ORDERLY." Nor is it to be doubted, but we were somewhat concern'd for fear of breaking the orders of the place. But while we were footing it accordingly, a servant stript off his livery, fell at our feet, and besought us to save him a whipping; for he said his fault was no great matter, but that some cloaths of the stewards had been stolen from him in the bath, and all of them not worth eighteen-pence.

We returned therefore in good order, and finding the steward in the counting-house telling some gold, besought him to remit the servant's punishment: When putting on an haughty face, "It is not," said he, "the loss of the thing troubles me, but the negligence of a careless rascal. He has lost me the garments I sate at table in, and which a client of mine presented me on my birth-day: no man can deny them to be right purple, tho' not double dye; yet whatever it be, I grant your request."

Having receiv'd so great a favour, as we were entring the dining-room, the servant for whom we had been suitors, met us, and kissing us, who stood wondring what the humour meant, over and over gave us thanks for our civility; and in short told us we should know by and by, whom it was we had oblig'd: The wine which our master keeps for his own drinking, is the waiters kindness.

At length we sate down, when a bigger and sprucer sort of boys coming about us, some of them poured snow-water on our heads, and others par'd the nails of our feet, with a mighty dexterity, and that not silently, but singing as it were by the bye: I resolved to try if the whole family sang; and therefore called for drink, which one of the boys a readily brought me with an odd kind of tune; and the same did every one as you asked for any thing: You'd have taken it for a Morris dancers hall, not the table of a person of quality.

Then came a sumptuous antepast; for we were all seated, but only Trimalchio, for whom, after a new fashion, the chief place was reserv'd. Besides that, as a part of the entertainment, there was set by us a large vessel of metheglin, with a pannier, in the one part of which were white olives, in the other black; two broad platters covered the vessel, on the brims of which were engraven Trimalchio's name, and the weight of the silver, with little bridges soldered together, and on them dormice strew'd over with honey and poppy: There were also piping-hot sausages on a silver gridiron, and under that large damsons, with the kernels of pomegranats.

In this condition were we when Trimalchio himself was waddled into the consort; and being close bolster'd with neck-cloaths and pillows to keep off the air, we could not forbear laughing unawares: For his bald pate peep'd out of a scarlet mantle, and over the load of cloaths he lay under, there hung an embroidered towel, with purple ta.s.sels and fringes dingle dangle about it: He had also on the little finger of his left hand, a large gilt ring, and on the outmost joint of the finger next it, one lesser, which I took for all gold; but at last it appeared to be jointed together with a kind of stars of steel. And that we might see these were not all his bravery, he stripp'd his right arm, on which he wore a golden bracelet, and an ivory circle, bound together with a glittering locket and a meddal at the end of it: Then picking his teeth with a silver pin, "I had not, my friends,"

said he, "any inclination to have come among you so soon, but fearing my absence might make you wait too long, I deny'd myself my own satisfaction; however suffer me to make an end of my game": There followed him a boy with an inlaid table and christal dice; and I took notice of one thing more pleasant than the rest; for instead of black and white counters, his were all silver and gold pieces of money.

In the mean time while he was squandering his heap at play, and we were yet picking a relish here and there, a cupboard was brought in with a basket, in which was a hen carved in wood, her wings lying round and hollow, as sitting on brood; when presently the consort struck up, and two servants fell a searching the straw under her, and taking out some peahens eggs, distributed them among the company: At this Trimalchio changing countenance, "I commanded my friends," said he "the hen to be set with peahens eggs; and so help me Hercules, am afraid they may be half hatcht: however we'll try if they are yet suppable."

The thing we received was a kind of sh.e.l.l of at least six pounds weight, made of paste, and moulded into the figure of an egg, which we easily broke; and for my part, I was like to have thrown away my share; for it seemed to me to have a chick in it; till hearing an old guest of the tables saying, it was some good bit or other, I searched further into it, and found a delicate fat wheatear in the middle of a well-pepper'd yolk: On this Trimalchio stopped his play for a while, and requiring the like for himself, proclaim'd, if any of us would have any more metheglin, he was at liberty to take it; when of a sudden the musick gave the sign, and the first course was scrabled away by a company of singers and dancers; but in the rustle it happening that a dish fell on the door, a boy took it up, and Trimalchio taking notice of it, pluck'd him by the ears, and commanded him to throw it down again; on which the groom of the chamber came with a broom and swept away the silver dish, with whatsoever else had fallen from the table.

When presently came in two long-hair'd blacks, with small leather bottles, such as with which they strew sand on the stage, and gave us wine to wash our hands, but no one offered us water. We all admiring the finicalness of the entertainment, "Mars," said he, "is a lover of justice, and therefore let every one have a table to himself, for having more elbow-room, these nasty stinking boys will be less troublesome to us"; and thereupon large double-eared vessels of gla.s.s close plaistered over, were brought up with labels about their necks, upon which was this inscription:

OPIMIAN MUSCADINE OF AN HUNDRED YEARS OLD.

While we were reading the t.i.tles, Trimalchio clapped his hands, and "Alas, alas," said he, "that wine should live longer than man! Wine is life, and we'll try if it has held good ever since the consulship of Lucius Opimius, or not. 'Tis right Opimian, and therefore make ready; I brought not out so good yesterday, yet there were persons of better quality sup'd with me."

We drank and admired every thing, when in came a servant with a silver puppet, so jointed and put together that it turned every way; and being more than once thrown upon the table, cast it self into several figures; on which Trimalchio came out with his poetry:

Unhappy mortals, on how fine a thread Our lives depend! How like this puppet man, Shall we alas! be all when we are dead!

Therefore let's live merrily while we can.

The applause we gave him, was followed with a service, but respecting the place not so considerable as might have been expected: However, the novelty of the thing drew every man's eye upon it; it was a large charger, with the twelve signs round it; upon every one of which the master cook had laid somewhat or other suitable to the sign. Upon Aries, chick-pease, (a pulse not unlike a ram's head); upon Taurus a piece of beef; upon Gemini a pair of pendulums and kidneys; upon Cancer a coronet; upon Leo an African figg; upon Virgo a well-grown boy; upon Libra a pair of scales, in one of which was a tart, in the other a custard; upon Scorpio a pilchard; upon Sagittary a grey-hound; upon Capricorn a lobster; upon Aquarius a goose; upon Pisces two mullets; and in the middle a plat of herbs, cut out like a green turf, and over them a honey-comb. During this, a lesser black carry'd about bread in a silver oven, and with a hideous voice, forced a bawdy song from a buffoon that stunk like a.s.sa ftida.

When Trimalchio perceived we look'd somewhat awkwardly on such course fare, "Come, come," said he, "fall to and eat, this is the custom of the place."

Nor had he sooner said it, than the fourth consort struck up; at which the waiters fell a dancing, and took off the upper part of the charger, under which was a dish of cramm'd fowl, and the hinder paps of a sow that had farrowed but a day before, well powdered, and the middle a hare, stuck in with finns of fish in his side, that he look'd like a flying horse; and on the sides of the fish four little images, that spouted a relishing sauce on some fish that lay near them, all of them brought from the river Euripus.

We also seconded the shout begun by the family, and fell merrily aboard this; and Trimalchio no less pleas'd than our selves, cryed "Cut"; at which the musick sounding again, the carver humour'd it, and cut up the meat with such antick postures, you'd have thought him a carman fighting to an organ.

Nevertheless Trimalchio in a lower note, cryed out again "Cut:" I hearing the word so often repeated, suspecting there might be some joke in it, was not ashamed to ask him that sate next above me, what it meant? And he that had been often present at the like, "You see,"

said he, "him that carves about, his name is cutter; and as often as he says 'Cut,' he both calls and commands."

The humour spoiled my stomach for eating; but turning to him that I might learn more, I made some pleasant discourse to him at a distance; and at last asked him what that woman was that so often scutled up and down the room.

"It is," said he, "Trimalchio's wife, her name Fortunata, she measures money by the bushel; but what was she not long since? Pardon me sir, you would not have touch'd her with a pair of tongs, but now, no one knows how, or wherefore she's got into heaven; and is Trimalchio's all in all: In short, if she says it is mid-night at mid-day, he'll believe her. He's so very wealthy, he knows not what he has; but she has an eye every where; and when you least think to meet her: She's void of all good counsel, and withal of all ill tongue; a very pye at his bolster; whom she loves she loves; and whom she does not love, she does not love.

"Then for Trimalchio, he has more lands than a crow can fly over; monies upon monies: There lies more silver in his porters lodge, than any one man's whole estate. And for his family, hey-day, hey-day, there is not (so help me Hercules) one tenth of them that know their master. In brief, there is not one of those fools about him, but he can turn him into a cabbage-stalk. Nor is there any occasion to buy any thing, he has all at his own door; wooll, marte, pepper, nay hens milk; do but beat about and you'll find it. In a word, time was, his wooll was none of the best, and therefore he bought rams at Tarentum to mend this breed; an in like manner he did by his honey, by bringing his bees from Athens. It is not long since but he sent to the Indies for mushroom-seed: Nor has he so much as a mule that did not come of a wild a.s.s. See you all these quilts? there is not one of them whose wadding is not the finest comb'd wooll of violet or scarlet colour, dy'd in grain. O happy man! but have a care how you put a slight on those freed men, they are rich rogues: See you him that sits at the lower-end of the table, he has now the Lord knows what; and 'tis not long since he was not worth a groat, and carried billets and f.a.ggots at his back; it is said, but I know nothing of it myself, but as I have heard, either he got in with an old hog-grubbler, or had to do with an incubus, and found a treasure: For my part, I envy no man, (if G.o.d gives anything it is a bit of a blow, and wills no evil to himself ) he lately set up this proclamation:

"C. POMPEIUS DIOGENES HAS SOME LODGINGS TO LET, FOR HE HATH BOUGHT A HOUSE."

"But what think you of him who sits in the place of a late slave? how well was he once? I do not upbraid him: He was once worth a hundred thousand sesterstias, but has not now a hair of his head that is not engaged; nor, so help me Hercules, is it his own fault: There is not a better humour'd man than himself; but those rascally freed-men have cheated him of all: For know, when the pot boyls, and a man's estate declines, farewell friends. And what trade do you think he drove? He had the setting forth of grave men's funerals; and with that eat like a prince: He had his wild boars served up covered; pastry-meats, fowl-cooks, bakers: More wine was thrown under his table than most men have in their cellars; a meer phantasm: And when his estate was going, and he feared his creditors might fall upon him, he made an auction under this t.i.tle:

"JULIUS PROCULUS WILL MAKE AN AUCTION OF SEVERAL GOODS HE HAS NO USE OF."

The dish was by this time taken away, and the guests grown merry with wine, began to talk of what was done abroad, when Trimalchio broke the discourse; and leaning on his elbow, "This wine," said he, "is worth drinking, and fish must swim; but do you think I am satisfied with that part of your supper you saw in the charger? Is Ulysses no better known? what then; we ought to exercise our brains as well as our chaps; and shew, that we are not only lovers of learning, but understand it: Peace rest my old tutor's bones who made me a man amongst men: No man can tell me any thing that is new to me; for, like him, I am master of the practicks.

"This heaven, that's inhabited by twelve G.o.ds, turns it self into as many figures; and now 'tis Aries: He that's born under that sign has much cattle, much wooll, and to that a jolt-head, a brazen-face, and will be certainly a cuckold: There are many scholars, advocates, and horned beasts, come into the world under this sign. We praised our nativity-caster's pleasantness, and he went on then again: The whole Heaven is Taurus, and wonder it e'er bore foot-ball-players, herds-men, and such as can shift for themselves. Under Gemini are foaled coach-horses, oxen calved, great baubles, and such as can claw both sides are born. I was born my self under Cancer, and therefore stand on many feet, as having large possessions both by sea and land.

For Cancer suits one as well as the other, and therefore I put nothing upon him, that I might not press my own geniture. Under Leo, spendthrifts and bullies: under Virgo, women, runagates, and such as wear iron garters: under Libra, butchers, slipslop-makers, and men of business: under Scorpio, empoisoners and cut-throats: under Sagittary, such as are goggle-ey'd, herb-women, and bacon-stealers: under Capricorn, poor helpless rascals, to whom yet Nature intended horns to defend themselves: under Aquarius, cooks and paunch-bellies: under Pisces, caterers and orators: And so the world goes round like a mill, and is never without its mischief; that men be either born or perish.

But for that tuft of herbs in the middle, and the honey-comb upon it, I do nothing without just reason for it: Our mother the earth is in the middle, made round like an egg, and has all good things in her self, like a honeycomb."

"Most learnedly," we all cry'd; and lifting our hands, swore, neither Hipparebus nor Aratus were to be compared to him, till at last other servants came in and spread coverlets on the beds, on which were painted nets, men in ambush with hunting-poles, and whatever appertained to hunting: Nor could we yet tell what to make of it: when we heard a great cry without, and a pack of beagles came and ran round the table, and after them a large trey, on which was a boar of the first magnitude, with a cap on his head, (such as slaves at their making free, had set on theirs in token of liberties) on his tusks hung two wicker baskets, the one full of dates, the other of almonds; and about him lay little pigs of marchpane, as if they were sucking: They signified a sow had farrowed, and hang there as presents for the guests to carry away with them.

To the cutting up this boar, here came not he that had carried about the fowl as before, but a swinging fellow with a two-handed beard, buskins on his leggs, and a short embroidered coat; who drawing his wood-knife, made a large hole in the boar's side, out of which flew a company of blackbirds: Then fowlers stood ready with their engines and caught them in a trice as they fluttered about the room: On which Trimalchio ordering to every man his bird, "See," said he, "what kind of acorns this wild boar fed on:" When presently the boys took off the baskets and distributed the dates and almonds among the guests.

In the mean time, I, who had private thoughts of my own, was much concerned, to know why the boar was brought in with a cap upon his head; and therefore having run out my t.i.ttle-tattle, I told my interpreter what troubled me: To which he answered, "Your boy can even tell ye what it means, for there's no riddle in it, but all as clear as day. This boar stood the last of yester-nights supper, and dismiss'd by the guests, returns now as a free-man among us." I curst my dulness, and asked him no more questions, that I might not be thought to have never eaten before with men of sense.

While we were yet talking, in came a handsome boy with a wreath of vine leaves and ivy about his head; declaring himself one while Bromius, another while Lyccus, and another Euphyus (several names of Bacchus) he carried about a server of grapes, and with a clear voice, repeated some of his master's poetry, at which Trimalchio turning to him, "Dionysius," said he, "be thou Liber," (i.e.) free, (two other names of Bacchus) whereupon the boy took the cap from off the boar's head, and putting it on his own, Trimalchio added, "You will not deny me but I have a father, Liber." We all praised the conceit, and soundly kissed the boy as he went round us.

From this up rose Trimalchio, and went to the close-stool; we also being at liberty, without a tyrant over us fell to some table-talk.

When presently one calling for a b.u.mper, "The day," said he, "is nothing, 'tis night e're the scene turn, and therefore nothing is better than to go straight from bed to board. We have had a great deal of frost, the bagnio has scarce heated me; but a warm drinking is my wardrobe-keeper: For my part, I have spun this days thread; the wine is got into my noddle, and I am down-right--"

Selucus went on with the rest, "And I," said he, "do not bathe every day, for he where I use to bathe is a fuller: Cold water has teeth in it, and my head grows every day more washy than others, but when I have got my dose in my guts, I bid defiance to cold: Nor could I well do it to day, for I was at a funeral, a jolly companion, and a good man was he, Crysanthus has breathed his last: 'Tis not long since we were together, and methinks I talk with him now. Alas, alas! we are but blown bladders, less than flies, yet they have somewhat in them: But we are meer bubbles. You'll say he would not be rul'd; not a drop of water, or crumb of bread went down his throat in five days: And yet he's gone, or that he died of the doctor. But I am of opinion his time was come; for a physician is a great comfort. However, he was well carried out of his house upon a rich bed, and mightily lamented, he made some of his servants free; but his wife seem'd not much concerned for him. You'll say again he was not kind to her; but women are a kind of kites; whatever good is done them, 'tis the same as if it were thrown in a well; and old love is as bad as a goal."

At this Philaos grew troublesome, and cryed out, "Let us remember the living: He had what was due to him; as he liv'd so he dy'd; and what has he now that any man moans the want of it? He came from nothing, and to his dying-day would have taken a farthing from a dunghil with his teeth; therefore as he grew up, he grew like a honey-comb. He dy'd worth the Lord knows what, all ready money. But to the matter; I have eaten a dog's tongue and dare speak truth: He had a foul mouth, was all babble; a very make-bate, not a man. His brother was a brave fellow, a friend to his friends, of an open hand, and kept a full table: He did not order his affairs so well at first as he might have done; but the first vintage made him up again; for he sold what wine he would; and what kept up his chin was the expectation of a reversion; the credit of which brought him more than was left him; for his brother taking a pelt at him, devised the estate to I know not whose b.a.s.t.a.r.d: He flies far that flies his relations. Besides, this brother of his had whisperers about him, that were back-friends to the other: but he shall never do right that is quick of belief, especially in matter of business; and yet 'tis true, he'll be counted wise while he lives, to whom the thing whatever it be is given, nor he that ought to have had it. He was without doubt, one of fortune's sons; lead in his hand would turn to gold, and without trouble too, where there are not rubbs in the way. And how many years think ye he liv'd?

Seventy-odd: but he was as hard as horn, bore his age well, and as black as a crow.

"I knew him some years ago an oilman, and to his last a good womans man; but withal such a miser, that (so help me Hercules) I think he left not a dogg in his house. He was also a great wh.o.r.e-master, and a jack of all trades; nor do I condemn him for't, for this was the only secret he kept to himself and carry'd with him."

Thus Phileros and Gammedes, as followeth: "Ye talk of what concerns neither Heaven nor Earth, when in the mean time no man regards what makes all victuals so scarce: I could not (so help me Hercules) get a mouthful of bread to day: and how? The drought continues: For my part, I have not fill'd my belly this twelve-month: A plague on these clerks of the market, the baker and they juggle together; take no notice of me, I'll take no notice of thee; which make the poorer sort labour for nothing, while those greater jaw-bones make festival every day. Oh that we had those lyons I now find here, when I first came out of Asia, that had been to live: The inner part of Sicily had the like of them, but they so handled the goblins, even Jupiter bore them no good-will. I remember Safinius, when I was a boy, he liv'd by the old arch; you'd have taken him for pepper-corn rather than a man; where-ever he went the earth parched under him; yet he was honest at bottom; one might depend on him; a friend to his friend, and whom you might boldly trust in the dark. But how did he behave himself on the bench? He toss'd every one like a ball; made no starch'd speeches, but downright, as he were, doing himself what he would persuade others: But in the market his noise was like a trumpet, without sweating or spueing. I fancy he had somewhat, I know not what, of the Asian humour: then so ready to return a salute, and call every one by his name, as if he had been one of us. In his time corn was as common as loam; you might have bought more bread for half a farthing, than any two could eat; but now the eye of an ox will cost you twice as much: Alas! alas! we are every day worse and worse, and grow like a cows tail, downward: And why all this? We have a clerk of the market not worth three figgs, and values more the getting of a doit himself, than any of our lives: 'Tis this makes him laugh in his sleeve; for he gets more money in a day than many an honest man's whole estate: I know not how he got the estate he has; but if we had any thing of men about us, he would not hug himself as he does, but now the people are grown to this pa.s.s, that they are lyons at home, and foxes abroad: For my part, I have eaten up my cloaths already, and if corn holds at the rate it does, I shall be forc'd to sell house and all: For what will become of us, if neither G.o.ds nor men pity us? Let me never enjoy my friends more, than I believe all this comes from Heaven; for no one thinks there is any such thing; no one keeps a fast, or value Jupiter a hair, but shuts his eyes and reckons what he is worth. Time was, when matrons went bare-foot with dishevel'd hair, pure minds, and pray'd him to send rain, and forthwith it rained pitcher-fulls, or then or never, and every one was pleased: Now the G.o.ds are no better than mice; as they tread, their feet are wrapt in wooll; and because ye are not superst.i.tious your lands yield nothing."

"More civilly, I beseech ye," said Echion the hundred-constable; "it is one while this way, and another while that, said the country-man when he lost his speckled hogg: What is not to day may be to morrow; and thus is life hurried about, so help me Hercules, a country is said not to be the better that it has many people in it, tho' ours at present labours under that difficulty, but it is no fault of hers: We must not be so nice, Heaven is equally distant every where; were you in another place you'd say hoggs walked here ready dress'd: And now I think on't, we shall have an excellent show these holy-days, a fencing-prize exhibited to the people; not of slaves bought for that purpose, but most of them freemen. Our patron t.i.tus has a large soul, but a very devil in his drink, and cares not a straw which side gets the better: I think I should know him, for I belong to him; he's of a right breed both by father and mother, no mongril. They are well provided with weapons, and will fight it out to the last: the theatre will look like a butchers shambles, and he has where-withal to do it; his father left him a vast sum, and let him make ducks and drakes with it never so much, the Estate will bear it, and he always carries the reputation of it. He has his waggon horses, a woman-carter, and Glyco's steward, who was taken a-bed with his mistress; what a busle's here between cuckolds and cuckold-makers! But this Glyco a money-broker, condemned his steward to fight with beasts; and what was that but to expose himself for another? where lay the servant's crime, who perhaps was oblig'd to do what he did: She rather deserv'd to be brain'd, than the bull that tossed her; but he that cannot come at the a.r.s.e, thrashes at the pack-saddle: yet how could Glyco expect Hermogine's daughter should make a good end? She'd have pared the claws of a flying kite; a snake does not bring forth a halter: Glyco might do what he would with his own; but it will be a brand on him as long as he lives; nor can any thing but h.e.l.l blot it out; however, every man's faults are his own. I perceive now what entertainment Mammea is like to give us; he'll be at twopence charges for me and my company; which if he does, he will pull Narba.n.u.s clean out of favour; for you must know, he'll live at the full height; yet in truth what good has he done us? He gave us a company of gittiful sword-players, but so old and decrepid, that had you blown on them, they'd have fallen of themselves: I have seen many a better at a funeral pile; he would not be at the charge of lamps for them; you'd have taken them for dunghil c.o.c.ks fighting in the dark; one was a downright fool, and withal gouty; another crump-footed, and a third half dead, and hamstrung: There was one of them a Thracian, that made a figure, and kept up to the rule of fighting; but upon the whole matter, all of them were parted, and nothing came of this great block-headed rabble, but a downright running away: And yet, said he, I made ye a show, and I clap my hands for company; but cast up the account, I gave more than I received; one hand rubs another. You Agamemnon seem to tell me what would that trouble some fellow be at; because you that can speak, and do not, you are not of our form, and therefore ridicule what poor men say; tho', saving the repute of a scholar, we know you are but a meer fool. Where lies the matter then? let me persuade you to take a walk in the country, and see our cottage, you'll find somewhat to eat; a chicken, some eggs, or the like: The tempestuous season had like to have broke us all, yet we'll get enough to fill the belly. Your scholar, my boy Cicero, is mightily improved, and if he lives, you'll have a servant of him; he is pretty forward already, and whatever spare time he has, never off a book: He's a witty lad, well-featur'd, takes a thing without much study, tho' yet he be sickly: I killed three of his linnets the other day, and told him the weasels had eaten them; yet he found other things to play with, and has a pretty knack at painting: He has a perfect aversion to Greek, but seems better inclined to Latin; tho' the master he has now humours him in the other; nor can he be kept to one thing, but is still craving more, and will not take pains with any. There is also another of this sort, not much troubled with learning, but very diligent, and teaches more than he knows himself: He comes to our house on holidays, and whatever you give him he's contented; I therefore bought the boy some ruled books, because I will have him get a smattering in accounts and the law; it will be his own another day: He has learning enough already, but if he takes back to it again, I design him for a trade, a barber, a parson, or a lawyer, which nothing but the devil can take from him: How oft have I told him, Thou art (Sirrah) my first begotten, and believe thy father, whatever thou learnest 'tis all thy own: See there Philero the lawyer, if he had not been a scholar he might have starved; but now see what trink.u.ms he has about his neck, and dares nose Narba.n.u.s.

Letters are a treasure, and a trade never dies."

Thus, or the like, we were bandying it about when Trimalchio return'd, and having wip'd the slops from his face, wash'd his hands, and in a very little time, "Pardon me, my friends," said he, "I have been costive for several days, and my physicians were to seek about it, when a suppository of pomegranate wine, with the liquor of a pine-tree and vinegar relieved me; and now I hope my belly may be ashamed if it keep no better order; for otherwise I have such a rumbling in my guts, you'd think an ox bellowed; and therefore if any of you has a mind, he need not blush for the matter; there's not one of us born without some defect or other, and I think no torment greater than wanting the benefit of going to stool, which is the only thing even Jupiter himself cannot prevent: And do you laugh, Fortunata, you that break me so often of my sleep by nights; I never denyed any man do that in my room might pleasure himself, and physicians will not allow us to keep any thing in our bodies longer than we needs must; or if ye have any farther occasion, every thing is ready in the next room: Water, chamber-pots, close-stools, or whatever else ye may need; believe me, this being hard-bound, if it get into the head, disturbs the whole body; I have known many a man lost by it, when they have been so modest to themselves as not to tell what they ailed."

We thank'd him for his freeness, and the liberty he gave us, when yet to suppress our laughter, we set the gla.s.ses about again; nor did we yet know that in the midst of such dainties we were, as they say, to clamber another hill; for the cloth being again taken away, upon the next musick were brought in three fat hogs with collars and bells about their necks; and he that had the charge of them told us, the one was two years old, the other three, and the third full grown. I took it at first to have been a company of tumblers, and that the hogs, as the manner is, were to have shewn us some tricks in a ring, till Trimalchio breaking my expectation, "Which of them," said he, "will ye have for supper? for c.o.c.ks, pheasants, and the like trifles are but country fare, but my cooks have coppers will boil a calf whole;" and therewith commanding a cook to be called for, he prevented our choice by ordering him to kill the largest, and with a loud voice, asked him, Of what rank of servants in that house he was? to which he answering, of the fortieth: "Were you bought," said the other, "or born in my house?" "Neither," said the cook, "but left you by Pansa's testament." "See then," said Trimalchio, "that you dress it as it should be, or I'll send you to the galleys." On which the cook, advertised of his power, went into the kitchin to mind his charge.

But Trimalchio turning to us with a pleasanter look, asked if the wine pleased us, "If not," said he, "I'll have it changed, and if it does, let me see it by your drinking: I thank the G.o.ds I do not buy it, but have everything that may get an appet.i.te growing on my own grounds without the city, which no man that I know but my self has; and yet it has been taken for Tarracino and Taranto. I have a project to joyn Sicily to my lands on the continent, that when I have a mind to go into Africa, I may sail by my own coasts. But prithee Agamemnon tell me what moot-point was it you argued to day; for tho' I plead no causes my self, yet I have had a share of letters in my time; and that you may not think me sick of them now, have three libraries, the one Greek, the other two Latin; therefore as you love me tell me what was the state of the question:" "The poor and the rich are enemies," said Agamemnon: "And what is poor," answered Trimalchio? "Spoke like a gentleman," replyed Agamemnon. But making nothing of the matter, "If it be so," said Trimalchio, "where lies the dispute? And if it be not so, 'tis nothing."

While we all humm'd this and the like stuff, "I beseech ye," said he, "my dear Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labours of Hercules, or the story of Ulysses, how a Cyclop put his thumb out of joint with a mawkin? I read such things in Homer when I was a boy; nay, saw my self the Sybil of Curna hanging in a gla.s.s bottle: And when the boys asked her, 'Sybil, what wouldst thou?' She answered, 'I would die.'"

He had not yet run to the end of the rope, when an over-grown hog was brought to the table. We all wondered at the quickness of the thing, and swore a capon could not be dress'd in the time; and that the more, because the hog seemed larger than was the boar, we had a little before: When Trimalchio looking more intent upon him, "What, what,"