The Politician Out-Witted Part 10

HUMPHRY. Mounsieur, the outlandish barber, give me a small cut across the whiskers; but the best of all you ha'n't seen yet;--see here.

[_Pulls off his hat._

LOVEYET. Aye, now you look something like--quite fierce--entirely the fine gentleman, upon my falsehood. A genteel dress is the very soul of a man, Mr. Cubb.

HUMPHRY. Like enough, for I've got more soul to shew myself, now I cut such a dash; I've got a soul to see the shews at the play-house; and, I think, I've got a great deal more soul to spend a few shillings at the ale-house.

LOVEYET. That's true; I'm glad you remind me of my promise.

HUMPHRY. Not I, I didn't remind you,--I scorn it.

LOVEYET. I dare say you do. [_Gives him money._] There, drink my health with that.

HUMPHRY. With all my heart--soul, I mean;--aye, here's soul enough--[_Jingling the money._]--to buy the matter o' twenty mugs;--come, let's go at once.

LOVEYET. I?--excuse me, sir; I have particular business elsewhere.--Sir, your most humble servant.

HUMPHRY. Sir, I am your most humble sarvint too. [_Bows awkwardly._]

[_Exeunt, severally._

SCENE III. _MR. FRIENDLY'S House._

_Enter HARRIET._

[_Knocking at the door._] What an incessant knocking! Mr. Friendly's family are out, and between their company and my own, I expect to be engaged all day: I am fairly tired of these morning visits;--they are fashionable, and, therefore, agreeable, to those who can make propriety and happiness subservient to custom and false politeness; but, for my part--

_Enter SERVANT._

SERVANT. Miss Airy is waiting in her carriage, madam.

HARRIET. Admit her. [_Exit SERVANT._] She is the only one I wish to see this morning.

_Enter MARIA._

MARIA. My dear Harriet, I am rejoic'd to find you at home;--I this minute heard something, which I knew would make you happy; and that, I trust, is a good excuse for troubling you twice a day with my company.

HARRIET. You wrong my friendship, Maria, if you think you can oblige me too often with your desirable company; 'tis true I was wishing for a little cessation of that torrent of formal visitors which is pouring in from morning till night; but far be it from Harriet to reckon her Maria among that number.

MARIA. You are very good, my dear; but you must give me leave to be a little jealous that I am not the only one who is favoured with such a preference.

HARRIET. Indeed, I do not know any one I have a particular desire to see this morning, except yourself.

MARIA. You forget Mr. Loveyet, when you say so.

HARRIET. Poh! I am not talking of men.

MARIA. No; but it is very probable you are _thinking_ of _a man_.

HARRIET. And pray what reason have you to think, that my thoughts run upon such an improper subject?

MARIA. _Improper subject_,--ha, ha, ha. So my very discreet, prudish little Harriet never lets man enter into her head; tho' it is pretty notorious somebody has enter'd into her heart long ago.

HARRIET. Your discernment must be very subtle, if you know all that is in my heart.

MARIA. I only judge of your heart, by your tongue; and the abundance of the former is generally inferred from the speech of the latter.--Yes, yes--that constant, hypocritical heart of yours is now throbbing with love, hope, curiosity, and--a thousand speechless sensations, the improper subject of which, I do not hesitate to declare, is odious man; and that man, the accomplished Mr. Loveyet.

HARRIET. Pshaw,--how can you tantalize one so?

MARIA. Well, well, it shall not be serv'd like Tantalus any more: _he_ was doom'd to behold; and, beholding, to wish and languish for the tempting draught, in vain: but a better doom awaits the happy Harriet;--what she desires is not thus interdicted, but will soon be obtain'd, and--

HARRIET. How strangely you talk, Maria.

MARIA. Well, I will not keep you in suspense any longer. Old Mr. Loveyet has received a letter from his son, signifying his intention to leave the West-Indies shortly after its date, so you may expect to see him very soon.

Then hey for a wedding, &c.

HARRIET. Ha, ha; you are a droll girl.

MARIA. But my time is precious; I am just going to the widow Affable's:--about twelve months ago she paid me a visit, when, agreeably to the form in such cases made and provided, she beg'd I would be more sociable, and she would take it so kindly of me:--accordingly I shall step in _en pa.s.sant_, to shew her my sociability and kindness, which I shall, perhaps, repeat at the end of another year.

HARRIET. How can you be so cruel? The pleasure I experience in your society, makes me regret that any one should be deprived of it.

MARIA. That is very strange:--I should imagine, if you priz'd my company so much, you would wish me to withhold it from others; because, the more I bless them with my presence, the less will come to your share, you know, my dear;--nor is it easy to conceive how you could be so fond of my sweet person, without being jealous at the partiality of others;--but, after all, good people, they say, are scarce; and my humble admirers shall find the saying verified in me; because they are not fully sensible of my superior value; but, since you prove the contrary, by extolling my conversation and friendship so much, I likewise shall observe a contrary conduct, and indulge you with a _tete-a-tete_ frequently, my dear.--But I have fifty places to call at yet:--I am to wait on Miss Nancy Startup, Miss Biddy Dresswise, Miss Gaudy, Miss t.i.tterwell, Mrs. Furbelow, Mrs. Neverhome, Mrs--_et caetera, et caetera_; which visits I mean to pay with all the formality and fashionable shortness in my power: from thence I shall proceed to Mademoiselle Mincit, the milliner; from thence to two or three score of shops in William-Street, to buy a prodigious number of important--

HARRIET. Trifles.

MARIA. You are right, my dear;--as I live, I would not be one of those officious "Nothing else, Ma'ms?" for all the goods from the North Church to Maiden-Lane.--Adieu,--I leave you to meditate on what I have told you.

HARRIET. Farewell. [_Exit MARIA._] Now Maria is gone, I will see no more company.--If anything can be an excuse for a falsehood, the present occasion offers a very good one:--I feel my mind pretty much at ease, and I do not choose to have it disturbed by the impertinence of pretended friends.--Who is there?

_Enter SERVANT._

SERVANT. Madam.

HARRIET. Whoever calls to see me to-day, remember I am not at home.

SERVANT. Mr. Worthnought is here now, Madam; must I deny you to him?

HARRIET. Undoubtedly. [_Exit SERVANT._] I am disgusted with the repet.i.tion of that c.o.xcomb's nonsense.--[_Sighs._]--I wish Charles was here:--In spite of the false delicacy of that tyrant, Custom, which forbids us to speak the exquisite effusions of a susceptible heart, I can now speak boldly, while that heart dictates to the willing tongue what complacence it feels at the prospect of its Charles's return.

[_Exit._

SCENE IV. _Another part of MR. FRIENDLY'S House._

_WORTHNOUGHT, discovered solus._