The Man of the World (1792) Part 7

_Sid_. Upon my word, my lord, the lady has made me see the whole a.s.sembly in distinct colours.

_Lady Rod_. O! Maister Sidney, your approbation makes me as vain as a reigning toast before her looking-gla.s.s.--"But, Lady Macsycophant, I cannot help observing, that you have one uncka, unsalutary fashion here in the South, at your routs, your a.s.semblies, and aw your dancing bouts;--the which I am astonished you do not relegate fra amongst ye.

"_Lady Mac_. Pray, madam, what may that be?

"_Lady Rod_. Why, your orgeats, capillaires, lemonades, and aw your slips and slops, with which you drench your weimbs, when you are dancing.--Upon honour, they always make a swish-swash in my bowels, and give me the wooly-wambles.

"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!

"_Lord Lum_. Ho, ho, ho!--you indelicate creature,--why, my dear Rodolpha--ha, ha, ha! what are you talking about?

"_Lady Rod_. Weel, weel, my lord,--guin ye laugh till ye brust;--the fact is still true.--Now in Edinburgh--in Edinburgh, my lady--we have nai sic pinch-gut doings--for there, guid traith, we always have a guid comfortable dish of cutlets or collops, or a nice, warm, savory haggiss, with a guid swig of whiskey punch to recruit our spirits--after our dancing and sweating.

"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!

"_Sir Per_. Ay, and that is much wholesomer, Lady Rodolpha, than aw their slips and their slops here in the south.

"_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! Well, my dear Rodolpha, you are a droll girl, upon honour,--and very entertaining, I vow; [_He whispers_.]--but, my dear child,--a little too much upon the dancing, and sweating, and the wolly-wambles.

"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!"

_Enter_ TOMLINS.

_Tom_. Colonel Toper and Captain Hardbottle are come, sir.

_Sir Per_. O! vary weel.--Dinner directly.

_Tom_. It is ready, sir. [_Exit._

_Sir Per_. My lord, we attend your lordship.

_Lord Lum_. Lady Mac, your ladyship's hand, if you please.

[_Exit with Lady_ Macsycophant.

_Sir Per_. And here, Lady Rodolpha, is an Arcadian swain that has a hand at your ladyship's devotion.

_Lady Rod_. [_Giving her hand to_ Egerton.] And I, sir, have one at his.-- There, sir:--as to hearts, ye ken, cousin, they are not brought into the account of human dealings now-a-days.

_Eger_. O! madam, they are mere temporary baubles, especially in courtship; and no more to be depended upon than the weather, or a lottery ticket.

_Lady Rod_, Ha, ha, ha! twa excellent similes, I vow, Mr. Egerton.-- Excellent! for they ill.u.s.trate the vagaries and inconstancy of my dissipated heart as exactly as if you had meant to describe it.

[_Exit with_ Eger.

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! what a vast fund of spirits and guid humour she has, Maister Sidney.

_Sid_. A great fund indeed, Sir Pertinax.

_Sir Per_. Come, let us till dinner.--Hah! by this time to-morrow, Maister Sidney, I hope we shall have every thing ready for you to put the last hand till the happiness of your friend and pupil;--and then, sir--my cares will be over for this life:--for as to my other son, I expect nai guid of him, nor shou'd I grieve, were I to see him in his coffin.--But this match,--O! it will make me the happiest of aw human beings. [_Exeunt._

END OF THE SECOND ACT.

_ACT III. SCENE I._

_Enter Sir_ PERTINAX _and_ EGERTON.

_Sir Per_. [_In warm resentment._] Zoons! sir, I wull not hear a word about it:--I insist upon it you are wrong:--you shou'd have paid your court till my lord, and not have scrupled swallowing a b.u.mper or twa, or twenty, till oblige him.

_Eger_. Sir, I did drink his toast in a b.u.mper.

_Sir Per_. Yes--you did;--but how? how?--just as a bairn takes physic-- with aversions and wry faces, which my lord observed: then, to mend the matter, the moment that he and the colonel got intill a drunken dispute about religion, you slily slunged away.

_Eger_. I thought, sir, it was time to go, when my lord insisted upon half pint b.u.mpers.

_Sir Per_. Sir, that was not levelled at you, but at the colonel, in order to try his bottom; but they aw agreed that you and I should drink out of smaw gla.s.ses.

_Eger_. But, sir, I beg pardon:--I did not choose to drink any more.

_Sir Per_. But zoons! sir, I tell you there was a necessity for your drinking more.

_Eger_. A necessity! in what respect, pray, sir?

_Sir Per_. Why, sir, I have a certain point to carry, independent of the lawyers, with my lord, in this agreement of your marriage--about which I am afraid we shall have a warm squabble--and therefore I wanted your a.s.sistance in it.

_Eger_. But how, sir, could my drinking contribute to a.s.sist you in your squabble?

_Sir Per_. Yes, sir, it would have contributed--and greatly have contributed to a.s.sist me.

_Eger_. How so, sir?

_Sir Per_. Nay, sir, it might have prevented the squabble entirely; for as my lord is proud of you for a son-in-law, and is fond of your little French songs, your stories, and your bon-mots, when you are in the humour,--and guin you had but staid--and been a little jolly--and drank half a score b.u.mpers with him, till he got a little tipsy--I am sure, when we had him in that mood, we might have settled the point as I could wish it, among ourselves, before the lawyers came: but now, sir, I do not ken what will be the consequence.

_Eger_. But when a man is intoxicated, would that have been a seasonable time to settle business, sir?

_Sir Per_. The most seasonable, sir:--for, sir, when my lord is in his cups--his suspicion is asleep--and his heart is aw jollity, fun, and guid fellowship; and sir, can there be a happier moment than that for a bargain, or to settle a dispute with a friend? What is it you shrug up your shoulders at, sir?

_Eger_. At my own ignorance, sir;--for I understand neither the philosophy nor the morality of your doctrine.

_Sir Per_. I know you do not, sir,--and, what is worse--you never wull, understand it, as you proceed: in one word, Charles, I have often told you, and now again I tell you, once for aw, that the manoeuvres of pliability are as necessary to rise in the world, as wrangling and logical subtlety are to rise at the bar: why you see, sir, I have acquired a n.o.ble fortune, a princely fortune--and how do you think I raised it?

_Eger_. Doubtless, sir, by your abilities.

_Sir Per_. Doubtless, sir, you are a blockhead:--nai, sir, I'll tell you how I raised it. Sir, I raised it--by bowing; [_Bows ridiculously low._]

by bowing: sir, I never could stand straight in the presence of a great man, but always bowed, and bowed, and bowed--as it were by instinct.