The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness Part 26

A well-bred woman will not demand as a right what she may have a claim to expect from the politeness of the other s.e.x, nor show dissatisfaction and resentment if she fancies herself neglected. For want of good breeding some females are exorbitant in their expectations, and appear unthankful even when everything is done which true politeness demands.

Young women should guard against this unamiable defect.

A well-bred person will take care not to use slang words and expressions. There never has been a time, at least in late years, when there have not been some two or three cant vulgarisms in vogue among all the blackguards of the country. Sometimes these phrases have been caught up from some popular song or farce; sometimes, we believe, they have had their origin "where a.s.sembles the collective wisdom of the country." A dozen of these terse but meaningless sayings now dance before our recollection, for who has not heard them, even to loathing? But from whatever source they may have been drawn, or whatever wit there might be in their original position, the obtrusion of them into decent society is an unwarrantable piece of impertinence.

A habit of inserting into familiar conversation such phrases as "You know," "You perceive," "You understand," "Says he," "Says she," is, so far as those matters extend, a sign of a want of good breeding.

With regard to any specific rules for dressing, we do not pretend to arbitrate in such matters. Let a true sense of propriety, of the fitness of things, regulate all your habits of living and dressing, and it will produce such a beautiful harmony and consistency of character as will throw a charm around you that all will feel, though few may comprehend.

Always consider well whether the articles of dress, which you wish to purchase, are suited to your age, your condition, your means; to the climate, to the particular use to which you mean to put them; and let the principles of good taste keep you from the extremes of the fashion, and regulate the form, so as to combine utility and beauty, whilst the known rules of harmony in colors save you from shocking the eye of the artist by incongruous mixtures.

"Manners," says the eloquent Edmund Burke, "are of more importance than laws. Upon them, in a great measure, the laws depend. The law can touch us here and there, now and then. Manners are what vex or sooth, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarise or refine, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe in. They give their whole form and colors to our lives. According to their quality they aid morals, they supply them, or they totally destroy them."

FOUR IMPORTANT RULES.

"Order is heaven's first law."

1. A suitable place for everything, and everything in its place.

2. A proper time for everything, and everything done in its time.

3. A distinct name for everything, and everything called by its name.

4. A certain use for everything, and everything put to its use.

Much time would be saved; many disputes avoided; numerous articles kept from being lost or injured, and constant confusion and disorder prevented, by the strict observance of these four important rules.

Dispense with ornaments altogether rather than wear mock jewelry.

Depend upon it, silvery hair is better adapted to the faded cheeks of middle age, than are tresses of nut-brown or coal-black, or any of the mysterious shades produced by a dirty decoction called Hair-dye.

The habitual use of very thin shoes invariably makes the feet tender, and a host of other inconveniences arise therefrom. If you are tempted to purchase tight shoes, don't, for several reasons; but one may suffice--you will not wear them more than twice.

If you are not quite certain of the line between neatness and the reverse, be over-scrupulous about your under garments. The edge of a soiled petticoat, or the glimpse of a rent stocking is singularly disenchanting.

Men of sense--I speak not of boys of eighteen to five and twenty, during their age of detestability--men who are worth the trouble of falling in love with, and the fuss and inconvenience, of being married to, and to whom one might, after some inward conflicts, and a course perhaps of fasting and self-humiliation, submit to fulfil those ill-contrived vows of obedience which are exacted at the altar, such men want, for their wives, companions, not dolls; and women who would suit such men are just as capable of loving fervently, deeply, as the Ringlettina, full of song and sentiment, who cannot walk, cannot rise in the morning, cannot tie her bonnet-strings, faints if she has to lace her boots, never in her life brushed out her beautiful hair, would not for the world p.r.i.c.k her delicate finger with plain sewing; but who can work harder than a factory girl upon a lamb's-wool shepherdess, dance like a dervise at b.a.l.l.s, ride like a fox-hunter, and, whilst every breath of air gives her cold in her father's house, and she cannot think how people can endure this climate, she can go out to parties in February and March, with an inch of sleeve and half-a-quarter of boddice.

All circ.u.mstances well examined, there can be no doubt Providence has willed that man should be the head of the human race, even as woman is its heart; that he should be its strength, as she is its solace; that he should be its wisdom, as she is its grace; that he should be its mind, its impetus, and its courage, as she is its sentiment, its charm, and its consolation. Too great an amelioration could not be effected, in our opinion, in the system generally adopted, which, far from correcting or even compensating the presumed intellectual inequality of the two s.e.xes, generally serves only to increase it. By placing, for example, dancing and needle-work at the extreme poles of female study, the one for its attraction and the other for its utility, and by not filling the immense interval with anything more valuable than mere monotonous, imperfect, superficial, and totally unphilosophical notions, this system has made of the greater number of female seminaries, establishments which may be compared alike to nursery-grounds for coquettes and sempstresses. It is never remembered that in domestic life conversation is of more importance than the needle or ch.o.r.egraphy; that a husband is neither a pacha nor a lazzarone, who must be perpetually intoxicated or unceasingly patched; that there are upon the conjugal dial many long hours of calm intimacy, of cool contemplation, of cold tenderness; and that the husband makes another home elsewhere if his own hearth offers him only silence; or what is a hundred times worse, merely frivolous and monotonous discourse. Let the woman play the gossip at a given moment, that is all very well; let her superintend the laundry or the kitchen at another, that is also very well; but these duties only comprise two-thirds of her mission. Ought care not to be taken that during the rest of her time she could also be capable of becoming to her husband a rational friend, a cheerful partner, an interesting companion, or, at least, an efficient listener, whose natural intelligence, even if originally inferior to his own, shall, by the help of education, have been raised to the same level!

Pascal says: "Kind words do not cost much. They never blister the tongue or lips. And we have never heard of any mental trouble arising from this quarter. Though they do not cost much. 1. They help one's own good nature. Soft words soften our own soul. Angry words are fuel to the flame of wrath, and make it blaze more fiercely. 2. Kind words make other people good natured. Cold words freeze people, and hot words scorch them, and bitter words make them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. There is such a rush of all other kinds of words in our days, that it seems desirable to give kind words a change among them.

There are vain words, and idle words, and hasty words, and spiteful words, and silly words, and empty words, and profane words, and boisterous words, and warlike words. Kind words also produce their own image on men's souls. And a beautiful image it is. They smooth, and quiet, and comfort the hearer. They shame him out of his sour, morose, unkind feelings. We have not yet begun to use kind words in such abundance as they ought to be used."

A writer in the New York Observer, speaking of the necessity of guarding the tongue, says:--

"It is always well to avoid saying everything that is improper; but it is especially so before children. And here parents, as well as others, are often in fault. Children have as many ears as grown persons, and they are generally more attentive to what is said before them. What they hear, they are very apt to repeat; and, as they have no discretion, and not sufficient knowledge of the world to disguise anything, it is generally found that 'children and fools speak the truth.' See that boy's eyes glisten while you are speaking of a neighbor in a language you would not wish to have repeated. He does not fully understand what you mean, but he will remember every word; and it will be strange if he does not cause you to blush by the repet.i.tion.

"A gentleman was in the habit of calling at a neighbor's house, and the lady had always expressed to him great pleasure from his calls. One day, just after she had remarked to him, as usual, her happiness from his visit, her little boy entered the room. The gentleman took him on his knee, and asked, 'Are you not glad to see me, George?' 'No, sir,'

replied the boy. 'Why not, my little man?' he continued. 'Because mother don't want you to come,' said George. 'Indeed! how do you know that, George?' Here the mother became crimson, and looked daggers at her little son. But he saw nothing, and therefore replied, 'Because, she said yesterday, she wished that old bore would not call here again.'

That was enough. The gentleman's hat was soon in requisition, and he left with the impression that 'great is the truth, and it will prevail.'

"Another little child looked sharply in the face of a visitor, and being asked what she meant by it, replied, 'I wanted to see if you had a drop in your eye; I heard mother say you had frequently.'

"A boy once asked one of his father's guests who it was that lived next door to him, and when he heard his name, inquired if he was not a fool.

'No, my little friend,' replied the guest, 'he is not a fool, but a very sensible man. But why did you ask that question?' 'Because,' replied the boy, 'mother said the other day, that you were next door to a fool; and I wanted to know who lived next door to you.'"

The best way to overcome the selfishness and rudeness you sometimes meet with on public occasions, is, by great politeness and disinterestedness on your part; overcome evil with good, and you will satisfy your own conscience, and, perhaps, touch theirs. Contending for your rights stirs up the selfish feelings in others; but a readiness to yield them awakens generous sentiments, and leads to mutual accommodation. The more refined you are, and the greater have been your advantages, the more polite and considerate you should be toward others, the more ready to give place to some poor, uneducated girl, who knows no better than to push herself directly in your way.

Politeness is as necessary to a happy intercourse with the inhabitants of the kitchen, as with those of the parlor; it lessens the pains of service, promotes kind feelings on both sides, and checks unbecoming familiarity; always thank them for what they do for you, and always ask rather than command their services.

Of late years, the wearing of jewelry, in season and out of season, both by matrons and unmarried females, has increased vastly. It is an indication that the growing wealth of the people is not accompanied by a corresponding refinement; but that the love of vulgar show, the low pride of ostentation, takes the place of a pure and elevated taste. The emulation with fashionable dames, now-a-days, so far from being, as with the Spartan women, to excel each other in household virtues, is to wear the largest diamonds. And, in this ambition, they forget fitness, beauty, taste, everything but the mere vulgar desire to shine. To be gracefully and elegantly attired, in short, is secondary to the desire to be a sort of jeweler's walking show-card. We do not oppose the use of diamonds and pearls altogether, as some persons might imagine from these remarks. A few diamonds, judiciously worn, look well, on proper occasions, on married women. But young girls rarely, or never, improve their appearance by the use of these dazzling jewels; and, as a general rule, the simpler the costume of a woman in her teens, the better. Women are usually pretty, up to the age of twenty, at least. Consequently, at this period of life, there are few whom an elaborate attire does not injure; a simple dress, or a rose-bud in the hair, is frequently all that is required; and more only spoils that combination of youthfulness, grace, and modesty, which it should be the highest ambition of the girl to attain; because, if she did but know it, it is her highest charm.

Instead of this, however, we see gay females, scarcely freed from the nursery, wearing enormous jeweled ear-drops, or sporting on the finger, a diamond ring as large as a sixpence. Sometimes, too, ladies pretending to be well-bred, descend to receive a morning visitor of their own s.e.x, glittering like a jeweler's case, with costly gems. In all this, we repeat, there is neither refinement nor elegance, but simply vulgar ostentation. Female dress has ceased to be a means of beautifying the person or displaying the wearer's taste, and has become instead, a mere brag of the husband's or father's wealth.

A knowledge of domestic duties is beyond all price to a woman. Every one of the s.e.x ought to know how to sew, and knit, and mend, and cook, and superintend a household. In every situation of life, high or low, this sort of knowledge is of great advantage. There is no necessity that the gaining of such information should interfere with intellectual acquirement or even elegant accomplishment. A well-regulated mind can find time to attend to all. When a girl is nine or ten years old, she should be accustomed to take some regular share in household duties, and to feel responsible for the manner in which her part is performed--such as her own mending, washing the cups and putting them in place, cleaning silver, or dusting and arranging the parlor. This should not be done occasionally, and neglected whenever she finds it convenient--she should consider it her department. When older than twelve, girls should begin to take turns in superintending the household--making puddings, pies, cakes, &c. To learn effectually, they should actually do these themselves, and not stand by and see others do them. Many a husband has been ruined for want of these domestic qualities in a wife--and many a husband has been saved from ruin by his wife being able to manage well the household concerns.

It is a mark, not only of ill-breeding, but of positive want of feeling and judgment, to speak disparagingly of a physician to one of his patients. Many persons, visiting an invalid friend, will exclaim loudly against the treatment pursued, recommend a different doctor, and add to the sufferings of the patient by their injudicious remarks upon the medicines or practice used.

It is too much the fashion, in conversation, to use exaggerated expressions which are opposed to _truth_, without the person employing them being aware of it, from the mere force of habit. Why need we say splendid for pretty, magnificent for handsome, horrid for unpleasant, immense for large, thousands, or myriads, for any number more than two?

This practice is pernicious, for the effect is to deprive the person who is guilty of it, from being believed, when she is in earnest. No one can trust the testimony of an individual who, in common conversation, is indifferent to the import, and regardless of the value of words.

Politeness is very essential to the right transaction of that great business of woman's life, _shopping_. The variety afforded by the shops of a city renders people difficult to please; and the lat.i.tude they take in examining and asking the price of goods, which they have no thought of buying, is so trying to the patience of those who attend upon them, that nothing but the most perfect courtesy of demeanor can reconcile them to it. Some persons behave, in shopping, as if no one had any rights, or any feelings, but the purchasers; as if the sellers of goods were mere automatons, put behind the counter to do their bidding; they keep them waiting, whilst they talk of other things, with a friend; they call for various goods, ask the price, and try to cheapen them, without any real intention of buying. A lady who wants decision of character, after hesitating and debating, till the poor trader's patience is almost exhausted, will beg him to send the article to her house, for her to examine it there; and, after giving him all this trouble, she will refuse to purchase it, without any scruple or apology. Some think they have a right to exchange articles at the place where they were bought; whereas that privilege should be asked as a favor, only by a good customer,--and then but rarely.

RECEIPTS.

FOR THE COMPLEXION.

COLD CREAM, 1.--Take 2 ounces of sweet oil of almonds, 3 drachms of white wax, and the same of spermaceti, 2 ounces of rose-water, 1 drachm of oil of bergamot, and 15 drops each of oil of lavender, and otto of roses. Melt the wax and spermaceti in the oil of almonds, by placing them together in a jar, which should be plunged into boiling water. Heat a mortar (which should, if possible, be _marble_) by pouring boiling water into it, and letting it remain there until the mortar is uniformly heated; the water is to be poured away, and the mortar dried well. Pour the melted wax and spermaceti into the warm mortar, and add rose-water gradually, while the mixture is constantly stirred or whisked with an egg-whisp, until the whole is cold, and, when nearly finished, add the oils and otto of roses.

In the absence of a mortar, a basin plunged into another containing boiling water will answer the purpose.

COLD CREAM, 2.--Take 10 drachms of spermaceti, 4 drachms of white wax, half a pound of prepared lard, 15 grains of subcarbonate of potash, 4 ounces of rose-water, 2 ounces of spirits of wine, and ten drops of otto of roses.

Proceed as above. Some persons prefer orange-flower-water instead of rose-water, in which case use the same proportions.

Cold cream is a useful local application to hard and dry parts of the skin, to abrasions and cracks. When spread thickly upon rag, it is an excellent application to blistered surfaces or burns, or may be used to protect exposed parts from the influence of the sun.

GRANULATED COLD CREAM.--Take white wax and spermaceti, of each one ounce; almond oil 3 ounces, otto of rose, as much as you please.

Dissolve the wax and spermaceti in the almond oil, by means of heat, and when a little cool, pour the mixture into a large wedgwood mortar previously warmed, and containing about a pint of warm water. Stir briskly until the cream is well divided, add the otto, and _suddenly_ pour the whole into a clean vessel containing 8 or 12 pints of _cold water_. Separate the cream by straining through muslin, and shake out as much water as possible.

WHITE CAMPHORATED OINTMENT, 1.--Take 3 ounces 2 drachms of powdered carbonate of lead (cerussa), 45 grains of powdered camphor. Mix, and then stir into 5 ounces of melted lard.

This is applied to burns and contusions with very good effect, and is much used in Austria. The surface must not be abraded when it is applied.

WHITE CAMPHORATED OINTMENT, 2.--Take 4 ounces of olive oil, 1 ounce of white wax, 22 grains of camphor, and 6 drachms of spermaceti. Melt the wax and spermaceti with the oil, and when they have cooled rub the ointment with the camphor, dissolved in a little oil. Sometimes the white wax is omitted, and lard subst.i.tuted for it.

It is useful in chaps, fissures, abrasions, and roughness of the skin.