The Internet Is A Playground Part 11

From: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9:17 a.m. Friday 10 April 2009 9:17 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

h.e.l.lo David

Not sure how to take your e-mail, n.o.body here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers, and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job, then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10:02 a.m. Friday 10 April 2009 10:02 a.m.

To: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff,

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I a.s.sume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an oversupply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks; he used to call the teacher "mum," and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor, so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with Down's syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex, obviously.

Regards, David

From: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10:32 a.m. Friday 10 April 2009 10:32 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f.u.c.k yourself.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11:38 a.m. Friday 10 April 2009 11:38 a.m.

To: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff,

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response. One minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, and the next, insulting me. After doing a little research, however, I have learned that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p.e.n.i.s, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learned that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties, so this does not bode well for you and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p.e.n.i.s was a quarter of the size AND I had testicular cancer, I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture-based books available on the subject. When I am angry I like to listen to music by Linkin Park.

The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and finding myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood, but this may be worth a try.

Regards, David From: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1:04 p.m. Friday 10 April 2009 1:04 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT E-MAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1:15 p.m. Friday 10 April 2009 1:15 p.m.

To: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

OK.

From: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1:25 p.m. Friday 10 April 2009 1:25 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smarta.r.s.e or agreeing not to e-mail me again?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1:32 p.m. Friday 10 April 2009 1:32 p.m.

To: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

Interview with Flight Commander Thorne Flight Commander Thorne has been part of three successful s.p.a.ce missions, including the recent delivery of new flannels to the International s.p.a.ce Station.

Thank you for joining us today and congratulations on your recent successful mission aboard Discovery. Discovery. Could you explain to us what it was like to be in s.p.a.ce? Could you explain to us what it was like to be in s.p.a.ce?

Yes, I can. It was a lot smaller than I expected. I used to try to take in the fact that earth is spinning around a tiny sun, which is just one of billions in a tiny cl.u.s.ter that makes up just a bit of our Milky Way, which is one of billions of galaxies with billions of billions of kilometers between them, and I would get ma.s.sive headaches and overwhelming feelings of insignificance with bouts of depression that ultimately led to the breakdown of my third marriage, but when you get up there you realize that there is not that much to it.

How long does it take to reach your mission destination?

Good question. Contrary to popular belief, distances in s.p.a.ce are pretty close-rockets are seriously fast, so it takes only about 12 minutes to get to the moon and an hour or so to Mars, etc. It was a.s.sumed the distances were greater because of our mistaken calculations in regard to the size of objects in s.p.a.ce. The moon for example was thought to be 384,633 kilometers away due to the calculation of it having a radius of 3,476 kilometers, but in fact, it is only 16 kilometers up with a radius of 2.3 kilometers. I myself walked the complete circ.u.mference of the moon in under an hour, and that included stopping often to look at interesting rocks. If I throw one of the rocks out into s.p.a.ce it will travel through the void for eternity. I usually do this three or four hundred times each visit. Sometimes I spit on the rocks first, knowing my DNA may travel to another world countless light years away and fertilize a new beginning for mankind.

Could you explain the functions of your suit?

Yes, the suits are pretty cool, aren't they? They may look uncomfortable but are actually like wearing a large fluffy quilt and can be put on or taken off in under thirty seconds. I quite often wear mine around the house when I am ironing, mowing the lawn, or popping down to the shops to get some milk. The controls on the front may seem complicated but simply control the ba.s.s, treble, and volume of the built-in MP3 player.

How do you prepare for each mission takeoff?

We try to get a good night's sleep beforehand, making sure everything is packed and we haven't forgotten anything. Once the ignition spark hits twenty tons of solid rocket fuel, we can't turn around and go to the shop. On one mission, no one remembered to bring cigarettes, so the whole trip everyone was b.i.t.c.hing and grumpy-I had a packet in my suit, but I had to hide them and only smoke in the toilet or everyone would have wanted them. Music is also very important, we strap in, run a prelaunch flight check, then press the ignition switch, which hits us with 9,000 G of thrust at exactly twelve seconds into the Linkin Park track "With You," which is fed at full volume through our helmet speakers.

Timeline for Ignition of Booster Rockets Graph a.s.sumes correct volume and ba.s.s levels have been set

As commander, you must rely on a dedicated and highly skilled crew to ensure each successful mission.

You would a.s.sume that wouldn't you? You would think that a team would support their commander and encourage his leadership and support his decisions, wouldn't you? You would expect there to be no bickering about little things or saying stuff behind people's backs, wouldn't you? Good teamwork comes from listening to your commander; that's why there are ranks. Some people just do not understand that there is no "i" in team. I tell them that the word "team" stands for "terrifically exciting aims met" and had T-shirts made, but they didn't wear them.

Thank you, Commander, for taking the time out of your busy schedule to come and talk to us today. Is there any last message you would like to give to our students?

No problem, I wasn't doing much today. Well, if there were one message I would like to give to the kids of today, it would be not to do drugs. They may seem fun at the time and yes they may enhance s.e.x and make music sound better, but they can be expensive unless you know the right people, so you would be better off buying books and pens and stuff. s.p.a.ce may be big, but it's nowhere near as big as your potential if you have pens and other writing implements that you may need.

NASA s.p.a.ce FactsThe sun is twenty times brighter than a sixty-watt light bulb and generates twice the heat of a potter's kiln.

Russian astronaut Mikael Novas has been living on the ISS for eight years and collects erotica.