The Handbook of Conundrums Part 30

What is that which every one frequently holds yet rarely touches? His tongue.

What is a good way to make money fast? Put it in a safety deposit box.

Why is one who uses hair dye like a suicide? Because he dies by his own hand.

Why are frames put about tomato plants? To make the tomato ketchup (catch up).

Why should wire be used to train string beans? So that they may not be too stringy.

Why is a proposal like the first conviction for drunkenness? Because it is a short sentence which generally leads to a long one.

What kind of a pen does the plagiarist use? Steel.

If an uncle's sister is not your aunt, what relation does she bear to you? Your mother.

Of what profession is every child? A player.

Why is Troy weight like an unconscientious person? Because it has no scruples.

Which is heavier, the half or the full moon? The half, because the full moon is as light again.

Why must a fisherman be very wealthy? Because his is all net profit.

When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is a-drift.

What 'bus has found room for the greatest number of people?

Colum-bus.

Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he shows an open countenance in the act of taking you in.

When may a man be said to be really over head and ears in debt? When he hasn't paid for his wig.

What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, an orphan, a bald-headed man, and a gorilla? The first is an heir apparent, the second has ne'er a parent, the third has no hair apparent, and the fourth has a hairy parent.

When does a son not take after his father? When his father leaves him nothing to take.

Why are poor relations like fits of the gout? Because the oftener they come the longer they stay.

Why is the game of Blindman's Buff like sympathy? Because it is a fellow feeling for another.

When could you eat a lady's hand? When it is a warm m.u.f.f in.

Just state the difference between an auction and sea-sickness. One is a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail.

Why does a man who has been all his life a woodcutter, never come home to dinner? Because he's not only bred (bread) there, but he's always a chop in (a-choppin') the wood.

What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One bayonets, the other nets a bay.

What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-net (castanet).

What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook, the other hates his book.

What words may be p.r.o.nounced quicker and shorter by adding syllables to them? Quick and short.

What is the worth of a woman? Double you, O man (w-o-man).

Why is a kiss like a rumor? Because it goes from mouth to mouth.

What shape is a kiss? A-lip-tickle (elliptical).

What becomes every woman? A blush.

Why are three couples going to be married like penny trumpets?

Because they go two-two-two.

What is that which fastens two people together, yet touches only one?

The wedding-ring.

What is a ring? A hole with a rim around it.

What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt.

Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters behind to settle.

Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills are all over dew (overdue).

What is the difference between a last will and testament and a man who has eaten as much as he can? One is signed and dated, and the other is dined and sated.

What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story.

How should love come to the door? With a ring.

If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to marry, what flower would he name? Any money (anemone).

When may two people be said to be half-witted? When there is an understanding between them.

Why is the science of self-defense like low tide? It develops the muscles.

Why should a teetotaler never take a wife? He will not sup-porter (support her).

Why should free seats at church be abolished? They make people good for nothing.

What relation is the door-mat to the threshold? A step-father (farther).

When is love deformed? When it is all on one side.

Where have you the most extended view? In a hop-garden, for then you see from pole to pole.

What burns to keep a secret? Sealing wax.