The Handbook of Conundrums Part 29

What is the height of folly? Spending your last shilling on a purse.

In what sort of family does the seventh night of the week come on the sixth? In that sort of family where Sat.u.r.day is a bath night (is Sabbath night).

Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the reins (rains).

On what supposition could a pocket handkerchief be used to build a house? If it became-brick (be cambric).

Why did the young lady return the dumb waiter? Because it didn't answer.

Why is a schoolboy being flogged like your eye? Because he's a pupil under the lash.

Why does a blow leave a blue mark? Because blow, when perfect, makes blew.

When has a man brown hands? When he's tand-'em driving.

Why is the leading horse in a wagon-team like the acceptor of a bill?

Because he's the end horse, sir (endorser).

Why is a man marrying a second time like _sal volatile_? Because it's re-wiving.

When may a lady be absolutely p.r.o.nounced to be quite past recovery?

When she is speechless, and can only chatter with her teeth.

Why are ladies' eyes like persons separated by the Atlantic Ocean?

Because, although they may correspond, they never meet.

What two ages often prove illusory? Mir-age and marri-age.

State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar. One weighs a pound, the other pounds away.

Why is gritty coffee like the Subway? It may be considered underground.

When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When she is asked, "What's o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she replies, "Sure, it's ate."

Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you would be making game of him.

Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parraffins (pair o' fins).

When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is put out before it has had time to flare up and blaze away.

Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it becomes.

What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.

Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique (blows so bleak).

What is the difference between a _premiere danseuse_ and a duck? One goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes "quack" on her beautiful eggs.

What is the difference between a French pastry-cook and a billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.

Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it is so-lo.

When is a young lady like an acrobat? When she shows her sleight of hand by refusing you.

Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like a pretty girl? Because it is seldom let alone.

Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it is down in the mouth.

What part of one's head is fit to eat? An ear o' rye (awry).

Why cannot you make a venison pasty of buck venison? Because the pasty must be made of dough (doe).

Why ought venison to be only half-cooked? Because what is done, cannot be helped.

Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well.

Why are plagiarists like seash.o.r.e lodging-house keepers with newly married couples? Because they are accustomed to sea-side dears (seize ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible.

What is Majesty deprived of its externals? A jest (M-ajest-y).

Why is a cracker like death? Because it is a debt o' natur'

(detonator).

What is the greatest instance of cannibalism on record? When a rash man ate a rasher.

What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle-tree.

How is it that trees can put on new dresses without "opening their trunks"? Because they leave out their summer clothing.

What is the difference between a potato and a soldier? One shoots from the eye, the other from the shoulder.

What is the difference between a beehive and a diseased potato? None at all; one is a bee-holder (beholder), the other a speck'd tatur (spectator).

What is the difference between a piece of honeycomb and a black eye?

One is produced by a laboring bee, the other by a belaboring.

Why are country girls' cheeks like well-printed cottons? Because they are warranted to wash--and keep color.

Why are volunteers like old maids? Because they are always ready, but never wanted.

Why would young ladies make good volunteers? Because they are accustomed to bare arms.

What is the difference between love and war? One breaks hearts, the other heads.

What is the difference between a volunteer and an omelet? The difference is that one is equipped to go forth, the other is egg whipped to go froth.

Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he is a negro-man-sir (necromancer).