The Funny Philosophers Part 25

"I most certainly will," said Seddon.

"Never turn your back on a bowl of strawberries and cream," said the Professor.

"Never!" exclaimed Seddon,--"never!"

"Be a.s.sured," said the Professor, with much solemnity, "that a sincere devotion to this delicious little berry will finally bring its reward.

It will enable you to wait with admirable patience for the big case which is to come and place you prominently before the public. Toney, excuse this interruption. Read on,--I am becoming deeply interested."

Toney proceeded with the reading as follows:

"We occasionally meet with an instance of the falsification of the old adage that fools are the recipients of fortune's favors; for this ill.u.s.trious man, at the very outset of his professional career, met with no ordinary good luck. A few days subsequent to his admission to the bar, the pious old maiden, whose deplorable ignorance of the Greek alphabet had deprived one profession of an ornament and added it to another, left these sublunary scenes for her supernal abode in Abraham's bosom. She had never forgotten nor forgiven the supposed ingrat.i.tude of her former protege. So far from this, she had, on every occasion, denounced him, with all the vehemence of virtuous indignation, as the black-hearted instigator of a meditated a.s.sault on her person. What, then, was his astonishment when he found that she had left a will in which she had bestowed on him all her worldly possessions. This testamentary doc.u.ment had been executed many years anterior to the melancholy event which had caused so wide a breach between them. She had put it carefully away and must have entirely forgotten it; for had her mind once reverted to the circ.u.mstance of its existence, nothing short of a supermundane interposition could have saved it from the devouring flames. She left him a beautiful farm, and personal property to a considerable amount, with the unusual proviso in the will that he should be a bishop. Some of her relatives seemed disposed, at first, to contend for the property, on the ground that as he was not a bishop he could not claim under the will. But this learned jurist cited the legal maxim _lex non cogit ad impossibilia_, and said that although he was not a bishop at that particular period, he would endeavor to carry out the intentions of the testatrix by becoming one as soon as a favorable opportunity should offer. To manifest his sincerity he immediately became a devout member of the church, and would sometimes read the service when the pastor was absent; and this he continued to do even after his secular duties had got to be exceedingly onerous; being apprehensive of trouble about his t.i.tle unless he observed this wise precaution. Thus was this threatened lawsuit nipped in the bud; and M. T. Pate took peaceable possession of his beautiful farm, which he soon found was mortgaged nearly to the extent of its actual value in the market.

"Pecuniary difficulties, like the rowels of a Spanish spur applied to the flanks of a donkey, impel a man onward in his career. Now, let no one imagine that we perceive any particular resemblance between this eminent jurist and an a.s.s; and we hope that none of his numerous and ardent admirers will be shocked by the simile which we have employed, for it is not only appropriate in its present connection but it is undoubtedly cla.s.sical. The mighty Ajax was compared by Homer to an a.s.s; but it was only to show what st.u.r.dy qualities he possessed, and what an immense amount of beating he could stubbornly endure. With intentions equally as innocent, we have likened the eminent M. T. Pate to an a.s.s, merely to show how stoutly he stood up under the burden he bore, and how he was impelled to vigorous efforts by the spur of necessity. Had his beautiful farm been uninc.u.mbered, he might have remained in obscurity, up to his knees in clover, and daily growing fatter and more lazy in the luxuriant pastures of prosperity. But with the burden of a heavy mortgage on his back, and the rowels of pecuniary difficulties goring his flanks, he got briskly into motion, and in his onward career, whether by accident or otherwise, took the right direction, and finally reached the glorious goal at which so many are aiming, but which so few will ever attain."

"What glorious goal has Pate reached?" asked the Professor.

"You forget the observations with which I prefaced the reading of the ma.n.u.script," said Toney. "This is only the first chapter of what is intended to be a very voluminous work. It is true that M. T. Pate has not yet reached the goal designated, but long before I have written the concluding portion of his biography I am confident that you will behold him on the very pinnacle of the temple of fame."

"Toney is a prophet," said Tom. "He truly predicted what has since happened to the two young ladies and their lovers who have gone to the Mexican war."

"Poor Claribel!" said Toney. "I sincerely wish that my vaticinations had not been verified."

"Pooh! pooh!" said the Professor. "Their lovers have taken wing and flown away, but they will come back little turtle-doves in the spring, and then, after a little billing and cooing, you will see two pretty pairs building their nests. And besides, although love is a disease which is supposed to attack the heart, it is seldom fatal in its results."

"Is it not?" said Tom.

"Why, no," said the Professor. "Dora jilted me, and am I dead? Ecce h.o.m.o! fat and flourishing, and the founder of the sect of Funny Philosophers."

"I would really like to know the condition of Claribel's health," said Toney.

"It had much improved when I called and made inquiry this morning," said Tom. "But I thought that I was about to witness war and bloodshed in the house."

"How so?" asked Toney.

"Hostilities have broken out between the two doctors," said Tom. "They were quarreling in the hall when I entered, and left the house shaking their fists in each other's faces."

"What about?" inquired Toney.

"I was unable to ascertain," said Tom.

"Well, never mind," said the Professor. "Who shall decide when doctors disagree? Toney, let us hear the concluding portion of your ma.n.u.script.

But, by Jove! what's that?"

A loud noise was heard in the street; men shouting and boys hurrahing.

Tom Seddon s.n.a.t.c.hed up his hat, and, followed by Toney and the Professor, ran from the room.

CHAPTER XXI.

"Hurrah for Bull!" shouted a boy, as Tom reached the pavement in front of the hotel.

"Bully for Bear! Pitch in! Hit him again! He called you another liar!"

yelled a ragged urchin on the opposite side of the street.

"Who are those belligerent gentlemen?" asked the Professor.

"The very two doctors I saw shaking their fists in each other's faces at Colonel Hazlewood's door," said Tom Seddon. "I thought there would soon be active hostilities between them."

"Good for Bull!" cried an urchin.

"Wade in, Bear!" shouted another.

"I bet on Bull!" said a third.

"Bear's the man for my money!" yelled a fourth.

"Which is Bull?" asked the Professor.

"The red-faced man with spectacles on his nose, who is standing up in the buggy without a top, and is menacing his antagonist with the b.u.t.t end of his whip," said Tom Seddon.

"And Bear is the short fat man on horseback, brandishing his cane?" said Toney.

"The same," said Seddon.

"Right cut against cavalry!" shouted a soldier on the pavement, as Bull aimed a blow at Bear with his whip.

"By jabers! that's the prod!" cried an Irishman, as Bear thrust the end of his cane in his adversary's face.

The horse attached to the buggy now moved on a few paces and halted.

Bear sat still on his horse, fiercely gazing at his antagonist.

"At him again!" cried a boy.

"Don't be afraid! Show the blood of your mother!" yelled a second urchin.

"Charge, Chester, charge!" shouted a third.

Bear furiously spurred his horse and rushed up to the buggy. A blow from Bull's whip knocked off his hat, and his bald head shone in the sun. At the same time a thrust from Bear's cane deprived Bull of his spectacles.

"Hurrah for Bear! He has knocked out Bull's eyes!" shouted a boy.

Bull seized Bear's cane and pulled it from his hands. Bear reached out and grasped Bull by the top of his head. Bull's wig came off.

"Hurrah! hurrah! he has scalped him!" shouted a boy.

Bull was infuriated. He grappled Bear by a tuft of hair that grew on the side of his head. Bear's horse started back and the rider fell over his neck into the buggy. Then both belligerents commenced furiously fighting with their fists.