The Funny Philosophers Part 24

"Of M. T. Pate, the ill.u.s.trious founder of the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts," said Seddon. "Toney has written his biography."

"Only one chapter," said Toney. "I can clearly foresee that Pate is destined to become a very distinguished man. As he makes materials for his biography the work will progress. The first chapter has been written."

"Read it," said Tom.

"Read it! read it!" exclaimed the Professor.

CHAPTER XX.

In compliance with the wishes of his two friends, Toney drew from a trunk his ma.n.u.script, and laying it on a table before him, said, "You will perceive, gentlemen, that in my first chapter of this biography I speak of Pate as an eminent personage. This requires a word of explanation. Pate may not yet be considered as a very eminent man, but before the completion and publication of the work I am confident that he will rank among the most distinguished personages of the age; and that the adjective which I have used will then be recognized as strictly appropriate."

With these prefatory remarks, Toney proceeded to read as follows:

"We have been baffled in our efforts to obtain satisfactory information in relation to the birthplace of the eminent personage whose biography we have undertaken to write. It is known that he was born somewhere in the South; but whether among the cotton-plantations of the Carolinas or the tobacco-fields on the borders of the Chesapeake, we have never been able to ascertain. It is said that the honor of having been the natal place of the immortal Maeonides was claimed by seven famous cities of ancient Greece; and it may be that, in future ages, at least seven States of the South will contend for the great glory of having produced the ill.u.s.trious M. T. Pate. It is perhaps fortunate that at the period of his birth the number of those States did not exceed seven; otherwise a satisfactory adjustment of the apprehended difficulty would be even more hopeless than it is at present.

"It is equally out of our power to designate the particular period when this eminent man entered the world in which he was destined to make so remarkable a figure. There is a tradition that he was born in the year of the embargo; and the inability of the administration of that day to prohibit all kinds of importations, seems to have been a fortunate circ.u.mstance at the very commencement of his career. It is said that he was a very big baby at his advent, and grew prodigiously, but was remarkable for his gravity, to such a degree that the wise women who a.s.sembled in frequent consultations around the cradle used to a.s.severate, with much emphasis of expression, that he looked as grave as a judge. One of his parents was pious, and both were respectable; and at the proper period he was brought to the baptismal font and Christianized with the usual solemnities. Some difficulty was encountered in the selection of a name. An elderly maiden lady, a friend of the family, had predicted that he would be a bishop, and now insisted that he should have a scriptural name, as most appropriate for one who was destined to occupy the very highest position in the church. The male head of the family had been perusing an odd volume of the History of Greece, in which he was much interested, and was desirous of naming his heir after one of the heroes of that cla.s.sic land. These opposite views led to many warm discussions, which eventually resulted in a judicious compromise, it being agreed that the wonderful baby should have two names, and that each party should select one of them. So the good old lady seated herself, and putting on her spectacles, opened the Bible at the Book of Daniel where the King of Babylon was put into the pasture-fields. She was much struck with the pa.s.sage, and proposed the name of Nebuchadnezzar, as exceedingly sonorous and quite uncommon. To this a serious objection was urged by the old gentleman, who sagaciously remarked that the name was so long that n.o.body would ever give the boy the whole of it, and he would be nicknamed Nebby or Neb. This suggestion had its effect, and the pious old lady proceeded to search the Scriptures again, and finally selected the name of Matthew, saying that, in her opinion, he was about the best of all the apostles, although he had once been a publican, for he was the first one of them who had ever thought of writing a gospel. So the boy was named Matthew Themistocles, after an evangelist and a heathen; as if he were destined to combine in his character the opposite qualities of a saint and a sinner.

"It is believed that even in the cradle this robust and remarkable baby gave evidence of superior intelligence; and it is much to be regretted that he had no admiring Boswell at that early period of his existence to describe his extraordinary doings. But no historian ever makes a record of the wisdom which proceeds from the mouths of babes and sucklings; and when we behold the learned and ill.u.s.trious man swaying mighty ma.s.ses by his eloquence, or dignifying and adorning the bench, imagination finds it difficult to travel back and discover him in the cradle, so puny and insignificant that the portly old crier of the court could have enveloped him in his handkerchief, like a bit of bread or cheese, and stowed him in the capacious pocket of his overcoat.

"When the moon stood still in the valley of Ajalon, the people on the other side of the hills knew not that a great luminary was in their immediate neighborhood. But when she got in motion and slowly arose, until her silvery edges were seen above the surfaces of the surrounding eminences, the crowds began to collect and watch with absorbing interest the increasing proportions of the magnificent phenomenon. And when, in full effulgence, she was over the tops of the trees, all admired her splendor, and many began to dispute about her apparent size: some saying that she seemed to them as big as an ordinary platter; others, that she was equal in dimensions to a fine large cheese; while a few affirmed that her circ.u.mference was as great as that of the wheel of the war-chariot of Joshua, the son of Nun. Thus has it been with each intellectual light which has shone on the world; at one time hid in the vale of obscurity,--in the valley of Ajalon,--then surmounting the intervening obstacles, the first rays of the rising luminary are seen, and people begin to talk and admire, until finally it becomes visible in full-orbed splendor, when a variety of opinions are heard in reference to its actual magnitude. We once heard an old lawyer, who was _laudator temporis acti_, a.s.sert with savage emphasis that a certain occupant of the bench was 'a picayune judge,' thus intimating that this splendid luminary of the law did not seem to him bigger than an insignificant five-penny bit. But the eyes of old men are weak and watery, and not to be trusted. Some of the junior members of the legal fraternity said that he was as large as a dinner plate; others were of opinion that he had attained the size of an ordinary cheese; while many of the non-professional mult.i.tude loudly a.s.serted that he was fully equal in magnitude to the hindmost wheel of an omnibus.

"During several years after he had emerged from babyhood, M. T. Pate was hidden from public observation, and hoed corn in the valley of Ajalon.

Here he laid a permanent foundation for that powerful const.i.tution which has enabled him to perform the Herculean labors of his later years. His constant exercise in the open air gave him the extraordinary appet.i.te which clung to him so faithfully amidst all the misfortunes of life. It also strengthened his digestion, and enabled him to consume enormous quant.i.ties of food without the slightest inconvenience. It is said that he was extremely fond of b.u.t.termilk, and would loiter around the dairy on churning days to obtain a supply. When he could not get b.u.t.termilk, he was contented with bonny-clabber and cottage-cheese. Many a sickly youth in our large cities would be benefited by such a system of diet, and might become a stout, athletic man, instead of looking like a puny exotic, soon to wither and fade away. Vigorous const.i.tutions are necessary to enable men to conquer in the great battle of life; and nearly every distinguished personage in this country, from George Washington to Daniel Webster, was born and reared amidst rural scenery.

"Nourished on b.u.t.termilk and bonny-clabber, M. T. Pate grew rapidly, and becoming quite a big boy, began to exercise the privilege of thinking for himself. His sagacious intuition, even at that early age, enabled him to perceive that although the cultivation of the soil was an honorable, useful, and healthful occupation, its tendency to increase his pecuniary resources was exceedingly doubtful, as there was no probability that he would ever become the owner of a farm, either by descent or purchase. So he determined to engage in mercantile pursuits, as offering greater facilities for the speedy acquisition of wealth.

With this end in view, he went into a store in which crockery was sold; and here he remained during three entire years, first in the capacity of shop-boy and afterwards as salesman.

"While thus actively engaged in commerce, his industry was untiring and his economy almost without a precedent. In those early days of his eventful career this eminent man was frequently seen on the street following a customer and carrying articles of crockery-ware which had been purchased. On one occasion he met with a serious misfortune; for while walking in the wake of an old gentlewoman, and carrying in his hand a vessel intended for her sleeping apartment, he inadvertently trod on an orange-peeling, and was precipitated forward on the pavement with such force as to break the brittle piece of pottery into atoms and cause the blood to stream from his nostrils. This was the only occasion on which he ever received a reprimand from his employer; and he bore the severe trial with fort.i.tude and resignation.

"For services rendered on various occasions, he frequently received gratuities from the purchasers at the store; and having resolved to become rich as rapidly as possible, he procured a little brown jug with an opening in its side, just wide enough to admit a quarter of a dollar edgewise. In this treasury he carefully deposited his earnings; and had it not been for this commendable economy, the world might never have seen him in the exalted positions which he afterwards occupied; for a commercial crisis occurring, the store was closed, and, like a ship struck by a sudden squall, he was thrown on his beam-end. But the solid contents of the little brown jug afforded him sufficient ballast, and he thus succeeded in gallantly weathering the storm.

"A great man, struggling with adversity, is a spectacle upon which the good-natured old G.o.ds of Greece and Rome are said to have gazed with more than ordinary interest. It is impossible to imagine a more sublime example of patience and perseverance than that exhibited by M. T. Pate in his early days, when he first broke open his little brown jug and counted his coppers and quarters. His rigid economy had resulted in a considerable acc.u.mulation of coin, and an accurate enumeration of the contents of his treasury exhibited the sum of two hundred and sixty-four dollars and thirty-seven and a half cents, all in specie. With these resources he determined to begin the battle of life in earnest, and to become a great man as speedily and as cheaply as possible. The pious old lady, who had furnished him with one of his names, now urged him to enter upon a course of theological studies, so that she might soon have the satisfaction of seeing him in holy orders and on the high road to a bishopric. But upon inquiry, he ascertained that to become a bishop it would be necessary for him to understand Hebrew as well as Greek; and he was apprehensive that before he could master even the rudiments of those difficult languages the acc.u.mulations of his industry and economy would be entirely exhausted. The good old lady promised him pecuniary a.s.sistance, and thus encouraged he began with the Greek; but his hopes were soon blasted by a singular misfortune, which deprived the church of one of its brightest ornaments, and mult.i.tudes of sinners of the counsel and consoling advice of a learned, pious, and venerated pastor. Upon a bright morning in May, as he sat at an open window, repeating the letters of Cadmus aloud, his benefactress, who was in the garden below with a negro servant named Alfred, engaged in horticultural pursuits, was shocked by hearing certain sounds, which in her ignorance and simplicity she supposed to be of terrible significance. She rushed into the house and began to upbraid the astonished student with his base ingrat.i.tude and treachery. In vain did the unfortunate victim of her lamentable ignorance protest his entire innocence. She had the highest kind of evidence--that of her own senses--against the plea of not guilty. Had she not heard him say, and reiterate it again and again, 'Alfred, beat her! d--d her! pelt her?' She would listen to no explanation, but indignantly ordered him to get out of her house. Her anger burned perpetually, like the lamp of a vestal virgin, and from that time forth she would have nothing to say to him. Thus was the unlucky youth thrown once more upon his beam-end, and was compelled to abandon all hope of ever becoming a bishop."

Here the reading was interrupted by Tom Seddon, who exclaimed,--

"Toney, you had better leave that out. n.o.body will believe that Pate, who was about to commence his theological studies, would sit on the sill of the window and swear so profanely at the pious old lady in the garden----"

Tom was here interrupted by a loud laugh from the Professor.

"You do not see the point," said Toney.

"What is it?" asked Tom.

"Why," said the Professor, "Pate was repeating the first four Greek letters, Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, and the old woman supposed that he was swearing."

"Oh, that's it!" said Tom. "I was dull, indeed!"

"But," said the Professor, "I think that I have heard this anecdote before."

"Undoubtedly you have," said Toney. "Pate is a much older man than you.

He was the unlucky student who met with this sad misfortune. It happened when you were in your nurse's arms. You heard the anecdote after you grew up, but never learned until now that the student was M. T. Pate.

But shall I resume my reading?"

"Do so," said the Professor. "I am much interested."

Toney took up the ma.n.u.script, and read:

"Having been constrained to give up the gospel, he determined to betake himself to the study of law, in which a knowledge neither of Hebrew nor of Greek was necessary. Having labored at Latin for a few weeks, he entered a law-school, where he continued for some time; the contents of the little brown jug miraculously holding out like the oil in the widow's cruse, owing to his great economy. It is not to be supposed that even this able jurist could without an earnest effort overcome every obstacle which lies in the path of the student of law. On the contrary, when he first encountered c.o.ke, he was much discouraged and sometimes afflicted with fits of despondency. But plucking up courage, he went vigorously to work, and in six weeks had mastered all the learning of that great and voluminous author which he believed it possible for any human intellect ever to comprehend. In performing this Herculean labor he scratched a considerable quant.i.ty of hair from his head; and continuing this singular practice during the whole course of his studies, before he had finished the fourth book of Blackstone,

his scalp's Bald, barren surface shone like the bare Alps."

"In other words, he became a bald Pate," said Tom.

"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "you are strangely forgetful of the admonition to speak reverently when you refer to a depilous cranium.

Now, here you are punning with the most unbecoming levity on a nude noddle. You had better beware! Although there are no she-bears in this vicinity to perform their painful duty, you may not escape with impunity."

"Peccavi," said Tom.

"Absolution is granted;" said the Professor. "Toney, proceed with the reading."

Toney resumed:

"A celebrated Irish barrister attributed his success in the profession to the fact that he started without property of any sort save only a pair of hair-trigger pistols. M. T. Pate carried no carnal weapons. He had neither hair-trigger pistols nor much hair on his head; but he had a little learning, which is said to be a dangerous thing. When he was admitted to practice, the contents of the little brown jug had been expended; and he started in his profession with a vigorous const.i.tution and a small volume of legal lore, ent.i.tled 'Every Man his own Lawyer.'

"The members of the legal fraternity are indebted to M. T. Pate for an important discovery immediately subsequent to his admission to the bar.

We are told--

There is a language in each flower That opens to the eye; A voiceless but a magic power Doth in earth's blossoms lie,

and we find that the poet selects as an appropriate symbol of his delightful occupation 'the dew-sweet eglantine.' The soldier chooses

The deathless laurel as the victor's due.

The young maiden selects the rosebud, and the weeping widow the cypress.

The lover's flower is the myrtle; the player's, the hyacinth; the pugilist's, the fennel. But there never was a symbol for the legal profession until the sagacity of M. T. Pate discovered it in the _arbutus unedo_, or strawberry, which, upon a careful perusal of Flora's lexicon, he found to be emblematic of perseverance. And as the gladiators of ancient Rome were accustomed to mingle large quant.i.ties of fennel with their food, because it tended to give them strength and courage, so did this industrious lawyer never fail, when an opportunity offered, to devour a great abundance of strawberries; being fully persuaded that the fruit imparted a wonderful degree of patience and perseverance. In the spring strawberries and cream were consumed by him in immense quant.i.ties; and at other seasons of the year the preserved fruit was never absent from his table."

"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "pay attention to that. You are a young lawyer, and I would advise you to have the example of M. T. Pate ever in contemplation."